Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 10:47:15 GMT -5
Ok I pissed my wife off and she is done with the conversation so I thought I would bring it here and see how different folks would react to it.
My MIL called my wife this morning somewhat annoyed because her sister just dropped off her grandson for her to babysit. She is not annoyed with having to watch the baby but the whole situation leading to it.
My wife cousin husband birthday was yesterday (he is unemployed and a stay at home dad) and went out to party with his friends. He did not come home or call to say he wasn't coming home since both my wife cousin and her mother had to go to work they called my MIL.
My wife thought he was a jerk and everything that comes with it. I started playing devil's advocate: - maybe he was being responsible not coming home drunk - he is stuck at home all day with the maybe, maybe he deserve a night out - turning 30 is a big thing (wife cousin is 26) he might have want to celebrate - I really don't see the big deal.
Anyway my wife is now pissed at me because I became a douche bag by association and said: if you ever pull that trick, might as well stay where you slept at.
To which I said: is that a promise? And all hell broke loose.
Back to the subject: yes maybe he should have called to let them know he wasn't coming home.
But I have been in those situations: you don't plan on getting drunk or passing out; it just happens. Having fun with your friends, catching up, not monitoring your alcohol intake and boom you are out.
I don't even like the guy but don't feel he needs to be crucified. My wife is also mad because he chose to celebrate his birthday with his friends instead of his wife and child; is there a rule about that? My wife said e could have gone to an after party but he should have had a celebration with his wife and son first. Ok I missed that memo because I don't see that as a big deal also
Discuss!!!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 26, 2012 10:50:42 GMT -5
When you have kids, you have responsibilities. If you feel you deserve a 24 hour blackout drunk day, then make the appropriate arrangements before hand. If you mess up and get too drunk to come home, at least call so people can cover for you. I don't expect perfection - but just appear like you have a basic level of responsiblity and concern for your family.
By the way - we have "call" rule. Disappearing for a night is never acceptable to my marriage. If you care about me, just let me know where you are.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 26, 2012 10:51:28 GMT -5
I don't understand why anyone is surprised about his behavior. I know I'm not. When you've been taught that any man is better than no man at all, that's exactly what you get.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 10:52:04 GMT -5
Woman are nuts. My wife used to get so, so, so pissed at me because I would joke about going to strip clubs. I finally decided that the jokes weren't worth it.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 26, 2012 10:54:31 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure my husband would blow a fuse if I didn't come home one night and didn't call him to tell him where I was.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 26, 2012 10:54:32 GMT -5
Maybe?
I usually go out once a week with my friends. It's the same day every week. DH knows this, but he still gets worried if he hasn't heard from me by 10 or so.
If I didn't call him or come home, he'd be hitting up the hospitals/police stations within a few hours. As would I if the situation were reversed.
Drunk or not, you don't just leave your family to worry about you.
By age 30, unless you started drinking in your late twenties, you should really know your limits well enough that you're not getting blackout drunk. JMO.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 26, 2012 10:54:51 GMT -5
If you feel you deserve a 24 hour blackout drunk day, then make the appropriate arrangements before hand. If you mess up and get too drunk to come home, at least call so people can cover for you. I don't expect perfection - but just appear like you have a basic level of responsiblity and concern for your family
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 10:55:14 GMT -5
Woman are nuts. My wife used to get so, so, so pissed at me because I would joke about going to strip clubs. I finally decided that the jokes weren't worth it. I'd go with you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 10:55:34 GMT -5
If you feel you deserve a 24 hour blackout drunk day, then make the appropriate arrangements before hand. If you mess up and get too drunk to come home, at least call so people can cover for you. I don't expect perfection - but just appear like you have a basic level of responsiblity and concern for your family Hell
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 26, 2012 10:55:48 GMT -5
Now that part doesn't seem like a big deal to me... but I don't have kids, and I don't really care about birthdays, so take it for what it's worth
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Oct 26, 2012 10:56:03 GMT -5
Dude is an asshole. That is so irresponsible and not to mention disrespectful.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 10:56:33 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure my husband would blow a fuse if I didn't come home one night and didn't call him to tell him where I was. but Cawaii didn't do that. He is just have a discussion with his wife and she went off the deep end. that is why women are nuts.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 26, 2012 10:58:03 GMT -5
Ah - okay, I'll give you that. Although, I could see in my younger days if my husband indicated that he would do something that stupid and not feel bad about it, I would question him as "husband material." And then I would get upset.
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Oct 26, 2012 10:58:23 GMT -5
It's fine if he did not come home, but a call would have helped them make plans for the baby beforehand. Just because you turn thirty does not mean you have to have a party - especially if you had to watch the kid the next day.
I would have been pissed off too and had the same reaction as your wife, since I would have been scared if he did not come home (wondering if he was in an accident or if something bad had happened to him) .
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Colleenz
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Post by Colleenz on Oct 26, 2012 10:59:31 GMT -5
Not a hill you want to die on Carl. Tell the wife you promise to tell her first if you ever want to have a guys night. It would have been OK if the guy had been thoughtful about it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 11:00:07 GMT -5
this is a losing proposition
the guy was irresponsible with his actions.....period
enjoying yourself is allowable, but the issue is not informing wife where he was, and if he was safe
and one golden rule i follow in my marriage
even if i win an argument, i still lose in the end
discussions are needed and are fine....but letting them get to "argumental" levels is not conducive to staying in a happy union
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 11:00:18 GMT -5
Ah - okay, I'll give you that. Although, I could see in my younger days if my husband indicated that he would do something that stupid and not feel bad about it, I would question him as "husband material." And then I would get upset. I sort of agree. I would say to my wife, if you think I would do that, then you don't know me. that would usually get her more pissed.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 26, 2012 11:00:20 GMT -5
I wouldn't be pissed at DH but I would certainly be disappointed that he thinks it would be okay to not bother to come home or call when he is expected to watch the kid the next day, causing me to have to make alternative arrangements at the last notice.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 26, 2012 11:05:27 GMT -5
Ok, I expect my husband to want to celebrate his b-day with family first. I expect my husband to let me know where he's going and when he expects to be back when he goes out with buddies. I also expect my husband to be in a condition that can deal with kids first thing in the morning, unless we've got a plan set up. And vice versa.
So yeah, I'd be pissed. You want to act like a 21 year old when you're 30, married and have kids? Nope, sorry, that boat's sailed. You've got a wife and a child. You have responsibilities to them that come first. If you want that life style, better find a time machine or get out of this marriage.
*-*-*-* I'm assuming this is the cousin with the large debts who had the breakdown.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 26, 2012 11:05:37 GMT -5
He - or one of his friends if he 'unintentionally' passed out - should have called, no doubt.
As for the out partying for his birthday - if he was the epitome of a good husband & father and responsible it probably wouldn't be that big of a deal. If they thought he worked hard every day for the last few years then maybe they would be thinking he deserved it. But if he's basically been doing whatever the hell he's wanted for the last few years, yeah I could see being pissed him doing it yet again. Though I also wouldn't stick with a selfish asshole, which from previous discussions (though all the cousins sometimes blend together) this guy seems like one.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 26, 2012 11:05:48 GMT -5
My DH is a part time SAHD. I would be less than pleased if he would leave me in a lurch for childcare and then I had to start calling hospitals to see if he was dead. I don't see how not coming home is responsible..My husband is more than welcome to blow off steam when he needs to. He isn't welcome to push his responsibilities onto someone else.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 11:05:55 GMT -5
Ah - okay, I'll give you that. Although, I could see in my younger days if my husband indicated that he would do something that stupid and not feel bad about it, I would question him as "husband material." And then I would get upset. I sort of agree. I would say to my wife, if you think I would do that, then you don't know me. that would usually get her more pissed. it probably went something like this: Cawaii - what he did wasn't that bad, maybe he was just being responsible to not drive and he forgot to call Wife - oh, so is that what you think is responsible, if you ever do that stay right where you are, we are through. Cawaii - Why do you think I would do that? Do you even know me? Wife - you think what he did was fine. Why wouldn't I think you would do it? cawaii - I didn't say what he did was fine, I just said I understood and I don't really think it is that big of a deal. wife - not a big deal? You are a friggen a-hole. I hate you cawaii - I didn't even do anything.. how the hell did I get here?
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Oct 26, 2012 11:09:16 GMT -5
I would kill my husband if he did that. I don't care about the last minute daycare arrangements, but to not call and have me worry all night? OMG I would go off the deep end.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 26, 2012 11:09:28 GMT -5
That's why you don't play Devil's advocate. DH likes to mess with me sometimes and has an excellent poker face. He likes to jer my chain from time to time. I've told him don't jerk my chain if you aren't going to like the results.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2012 11:10:14 GMT -5
That's why you don't play Devil's advocate. DH likes to mess with me sometimes and has an excellent poker face. He likes to jer my chain from time to time. I've told him don't jerk my chain if you aren't going to like the results. Exactly. You learn to just say "yes, hon" Cawaii will learn.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 26, 2012 11:13:27 GMT -5
This is an agreement that each marriage needs to work out. Each marriage has different rules and each couple have to work that out themselves. For example, my husband has a group of friends, all male, that took 10 days and went to Germany together, the trip cost about $5,000 each. All of these men are married, most of them have kids, and this was, I guess, okay with all the wives. That was not the choice my husband and I made. He doesn't get to take half of his vacation time, and half our vacation budget and go on an international trip to drink beer with a bunch of guys while I stay home. No effin way. But I know a lot of couples who vacation separately - so I guess we are the weird ones. We are comfortable with it.
So, Carl, the rules of your marriage are whatever you work out. There are some rules that should be "a given" - like "Call, so I know that you aren't dead." But, other rules are open for negotiation. The key is to talk about them first, and figure out what is and is not okay.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Oct 26, 2012 11:13:36 GMT -5
He sounds like an immature asshole. I'd be pissed too.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 26, 2012 11:14:31 GMT -5
If you feel you deserve a 24 hour blackout drunk day, then make the appropriate arrangements before hand. If you mess up and get too drunk to come home, at least call so people can cover for you. I don't expect perfection - but just appear like you have a basic level of responsiblity and concern for your family Hell Also as a working mom with a SAHD husband this is my response to your responses: Then CALL me. Yes he deserves a night out, but it needs to be planned. His job is to take care of his child. If my DH spent the night at his brother's and didn't get home in time to watch DS the next day, I would be LIVID. I don't think turning 30 is a big deal at all. I did it last year. I already had the husband, a child, a mortgage. Turning 30 did nothing for me. If it is prearranged, or even a weekend night when the wife didn't have to get to work the next day, maybe it isn't a huge deal. But if you as a SAHP are jeapordizing your spouses job by your actions, you need a reality check. Your job as a SAHP is to make their life easier as the working spouse (that comes from my husband BTW) so they can continue to do their job to the best of their abilities. Personally, if my husband was not a SAHD, I really don't think I would be making as much money as I am now. Since I'm able to focus on work and am less stressed out by the multitude of things going on at home. But the same token, I thank him like crazy for everything he does and I try to let him know that I'm not taking him and all of his hard work for granted.
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quince
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Post by quince on Oct 26, 2012 11:15:37 GMT -5
Hm. I don't think not showing up without calling is ever OK. I do think it's perfectly fine to have a life outside of your spouse and child.
I don't think getting drunk and passing out "just happens", and I think when you're an adult you should drink responsibly.
I don't think you're a DBA because you think it wasn't a horrible thing that the guy did, but you know now that it would really bother your wife, so ever exhibiting the same behavior wouldn't be a very nice thing to do.
Then again, If my husband was bothered by me being friends with a guy, going on vacation without him, porn, having non-shared friends, I probably wouldn't be humoring him. So it comes down to-if you can understand why just not showing up when you're supposed to isn't nice, don't do it. And if you really, truly think it's perfectly OK to do so, then go ahead, with the understanding of how your spouse will feel. It doesn't have to be a gigantic asshole move for you to decide that it's something you shouldn't do- you don't have to agree with her.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 26, 2012 11:18:08 GMT -5
I don't think getting drunk and passing out "just happens", and I think when you're an adult you should drink responsibly.
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