Elizabeth
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Post by Elizabeth on Feb 1, 2011 20:00:04 GMT -5
Well, this is my first thread and I hope someone can relate to my situation and let me know how to handle it. How do you handle a co-worker who you absolutely must work with everyday, who knows you are happily married with kids and still professes his love for you? I have politely declined, directly declined, and even rudely declined and he still won’t leave the issue alone. I know the answer is duh, report him to HR, but I feel bad because at one point we were on friendly terms. It seems my kindness was mistaken for interest. The decisions he makes at work directly affect my bonus. He is good at his job and his manager sides with his decisions 99% of the time, so she doesn’t audit him that closely. So, if I report him to HR and he doesn’t get fired, I’ll have that to deal with the probability that he will know it was me who reported him and have to face his anger, which will affect my bottom line. It’s getting to the point where I am really uncomfortable. Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it?
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ihearyou2
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Post by ihearyou2 on Feb 1, 2011 20:04:21 GMT -5
Tell him you're going to HR if he doesn't knock it off. If he doesn't quit, go to HR and bust his sorry loser ass.
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dianartemis
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Post by dianartemis on Feb 1, 2011 20:08:49 GMT -5
Have you flat out told him that his behavior is unproffessional and not suited to the work environment? Then I'd report him to HR anyway. Or ask HR's opinion on how one can best handle a situation like this. You're asking for advice then, it sends up antennae (sometimes) and there's probably a work policy associated with this that you can get more detailed info on.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Feb 1, 2011 20:14:01 GMT -5
You've "declined", but have you said plainly, "Joe, your interest makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want to report you to HR, but I will if it is necessary. Your advances are unwanted and you need to stop."? If not, try it. If he still keeps it up, he is unstable and you definately should report him.
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Post by debtheaven on Feb 1, 2011 20:17:36 GMT -5
You're between a rock and a hard place. If you report him to HR, YOU could end up losing YOUR job.
At this point, you must be pretty miserable at work.
I would do two things. One, start looking for another job to get out of that toxic environment. Two, reiterate what you have told us to him ONE MORE TIME. Tell him point-blank you are happily married, with kids, and although you value his friendship, you are not interested in taking it any further, and if he persists, you will have no choice but to bring it to HR's attention. You may think you are being clear, but if he is "off", maybe he isn't hearing it? And in that case, you SHOULD report him to HR. Pretend you are talking to a two-year old ...
Could it be that hearing you value him as a friend would make him stop? But I do think you need to be proactive about this. If management sides with him 99% of the time as you say, it would be pretty easy for him to take revenge on you, you need to either make him stop or tell management (discretely) ASAP.
Best of luck.
ETA: This is NOT normal behavior, and if you ever decide to file a suit for s.exual harrassment down the line, I'm sure your co would rather hear about this sooner rather than later. The other thing I would advise you is, document EVERYTHING. It's not good enough to remember it, write it down. It could be valuable ammunition for you.
I am bothered by the fact that they listen to him 99% of the time ... it seems highly unlikely to me that he is totally normal with management and doing his job properly, yet totally out of line with you. They have to be missing some vital clues.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 1, 2011 20:26:18 GMT -5
You are not going to like my response, but here goes:
You made a choice - you are more concern with your bottom line than your piece of mind. I am not saying it's a wrong choice, but it was your choice. So, just deal with it. Or.... document and record everything you can and report it and deal with consequences of that.
I didn't have anyone profess their love to me, but I did have a guy trying to touch me and flirt and come-on to me. I told him to stop. I didn't threaten to report him, just told him to stop. He was much higher up than me, but not my boss or my bosse's boss, etc. I also told my boss that if he does it again, I WILL report him. He stopped.
I personally think that "talking" to him will do no good, bc unless he is a complete moron, he knows what he is doing is not appropriate. You will not be friends, you will not even be cordial co-workers. Decide what you want to do and do it.
Good luck, bc it seems that either paths are not easy ones.
Lena
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Post by debtheaven on Feb 1, 2011 20:33:54 GMT -5
I also told my boss that if he does it again, I WILL report him. He stopped.
Lena, I don't know if you were married then or not, or with or without kids. You threatened him / asked him to stop, and he did. Most people WILL stop if you tell them to firmly.
But assuming the OP has been clear with him (and I'm not sure she has been clear enough), this guy still isn't stopping. Hence my conclusion. Either she hasn't been clear enough with him, and she needs to say it one more time, or she has been, and he is "off" and won't hear it, in which case she needs to report him.
While looking for another job.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Feb 1, 2011 20:37:22 GMT -5
The only reason I asked about what you told him, is that sometimes we are not clear. We say no, but we qualify.
Example:
LoveStruck CoWorker: "Elizabeth, would you like to have dinner with me tonight? We can get to know each other better."
You: "No, my kid has karate practice tonight."
LoveStruck CoWorker may be focusing on your qualification that you are busy tonight, instead of focusing on the "No". Have you been extremely clear? If not, I think it is worth a try before taking the problem any further. If he is simply dense and you can solve the problem by being extremely clear, then that seems like the least painful solution.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 1, 2011 20:39:23 GMT -5
No, I wasn't married, but I was dating my now-DH, but I don't know how that enters into equation. If I don't want someone to pursue me, what difference does it make whether I am married, dating, single, alien or whatever else.
She wanted to know how "we" handle it, so I told my story. Her situation is not an easy one, but she has to decide what she wants to do and be prepared to deal with consequences. Let it go and get $$$, not let it go and possibly loose $$$. No?
Lena
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 1, 2011 20:41:34 GMT -5
May be that's my gift or my curse. I am usually blunt to a fault. So, when I tell someone to "stop", there are no questions left.
Sometimes it really doesn't pay to be nice or polite.
Lena
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Post by debtheaven on Feb 1, 2011 20:42:31 GMT -5
No, I wasn't married, but I was dating my now-DH, but I don't know how that enters into equation. If I don't want someone to pursue me, what difference does it make whether I am married, dating, single, alien or whatever else.
Good point Lena. But she HAS told him she's happily married, with kids, and is not interested. And yet he's STILL actively pursuing her.
So I repeat my previous stance: either she's not being clear enough, or this guy is just not willing to hear it.
ETA: Lena I am blunt to a fault too. So if I KNOW I was clear, and the person didn't get it, it then becomes THEIR problem, not mine, and at that point I would be more than happy to report them to HR.
I would also be looking for another job though, because it's always easier to find a new job when you have one.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 1, 2011 20:49:17 GMT -5
It's sorry that the OP has to leave her job because some dickhead can't keep his thoughts to himself. He knows very well what he is doing and what the consequences are for her if she doesn't either go along. She loses her job because he is buddy buddy with the honchos. Going to HR won't do anything but make her persona non grata.
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Post by debtheaven on Feb 1, 2011 20:53:03 GMT -5
Yes Zib that would be my fear. But, you gotta do what you gotta do, whether it be looking for another job or turning him in. They may not listen to her the first time, but by the second or third time, they probably will. I agree, sad for the OP.
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Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Feb 1, 2011 21:06:30 GMT -5
I'd report the guy to HR ASAP, but first you need to have some hard evidence of the behavior. Depending on the size of your firm they may or may not have a written harassment policy. You did say this guy has some supervisory responsibilities over you via your bonus.
This is a straight harassment issue, there is no tippy toeing or soft shoeing around the issue. Don't sugar coat it.
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verrip1
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Post by verrip1 on Feb 1, 2011 21:28:20 GMT -5
I'd report the guy to HR ASAP, but first you need to have some hard evidence of the behavior. Depending on the size of your firm they may or may not have a written harassment policy. You did say this guy has some supervisory responsibilities over you via your bonus. This is a straight harassment issue, there is no tippy toeing or soft shoeing around the issue. Don't sugar coat it. Tape him when you are with him away from others. Set up a script for yourself and let him fall into it. He'll hang himself. Gotta have evidence, not 'he said, she said".
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 1, 2011 21:45:31 GMT -5
You can tape it but the end result will still be the same. You MIGHT end up with some cash but you can kiss your career goodbye. I had WRITTEN letters and it meant NOTHING. I had to stick it out (I tried to transfer but my boss wasn't having any of it because I was the only damn one in the dept that worked but she couldn't/wouldn't stick her neck out in the good ol boys club) for years until the jerk finally married someone and even then, he never totally let up. Thank GOD I finally was able to retire.
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Feb 1, 2011 21:53:33 GMT -5
In some states, it's against the law to record people without their permission. Just an FYI.
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Elizabeth
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"The inner mechanations of my mind are an enigma."
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Post by Elizabeth on Feb 1, 2011 21:54:21 GMT -5
Thank you all for the responses! This really is a tough situation to be in. I would really hate to have to leave the company because I really love my job otherwise and all of the other people that I work with. I also don't know that I could find another job with equal pay. Plus there are a lot of great opportunities coming up for me. I have directly told him that I am happily married and have no plans to have an affair or get a divorce. At first I did try to be gentle and told him that I do value him as a friend, but I am not interested in him romantically, and it's inappropriate to say these things to me as a co-worker, as a friend, and knowing I am married. Then I just flat out said it without any sugar coating. Today I was rude about it and told him to stop and that he has no chance. It didn't seem to deter him. I think it's definitely a possibility that he is unstable or "off." He tries to play mind games with me and is very immature. He's 25 and I just turned 30, so I don't know if he is immature for his age, or it's just his personality, but I had a bf in the past who used to play mind games with me so I see through it. He gets jealous of my husband and says creepy things like "One day you will be mine, I just know it." I am considering a restraining order, but again, that wouldn't work too well considering we have to communicate every day. He always takes my deals out of other coworkers queues so he can work them and have a reason to IM or call me. I will start saving the IM conversations in case I do decide to go to HR. This just really sucks because I have worked really hard in my company to get to the position I am in. Again I appreciate the feedback and will have to think carefully about what to do. And thanks for the karma- I need it!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 1, 2011 21:56:19 GMT -5
You won't be using it legally just to CYA if you decide to go that route. I think you might be too nice because you are afraid for your job. I DO understand that but this is a no-win situation.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 1, 2011 21:56:49 GMT -5
He "gets off" on tormenting you because he knows you are helpless as he holds the cards.
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Post by ummboutthat on Feb 1, 2011 22:19:24 GMT -5
Well, this is my first thread and I hope someone can relate to my situation and let me know how to handle it. How do you handle a co-worker who you absolutely must work with everyday, who knows you are happily married with kids and still professes his love for you? I have politely declined, directly declined, and even rudely declined and he still won’t leave the issue alone. I know the answer is duh, report him to HR, but I feel bad because at one point we were on friendly terms. It seems my kindness was mistaken for interest. The decisions he makes at work directly affect my bonus. He is good at his job and his manager sides with his decisions 99% of the time, so she doesn’t audit him that closely. So, if I report him to HR and he doesn’t get fired, I’ll have that to deal with the probability that he will know it was me who reported him and have to face his anger, which will affect my bottom line. It’s getting to the point where I am really uncomfortable. Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it? my corporate work environment is like a playground! our HR guy IN EMAIL has said "that's not my job" and "I don't have access" to HR questions!! soo what's my point again?? OH - going to HR is pointless HR entertains you and adds to his file then turns around tells him to stop. He's already being a jerk and not listening to you. I suggest though you have said "directly declined" lets try the 100% be a bitch route and smack him! make a scene in the office. make sure it's followed with a loud enough "don't talk to me like that!" SO PEOPLE AROUND CAN HEAR.
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Post by cavia on Feb 1, 2011 22:20:56 GMT -5
This guy has an obsession with you. I'd consider him dangerous. I'd be scared of the guy going postal, imho. Your choices are to report him and start building a file against him or look for another job. I don't envy the predicament your in.
Pick up The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Read it and see if this guy's behaviour poses a threat of violence to you down the road.
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Feb 2, 2011 8:47:38 GMT -5
Is there someone in the company higher than him that he respects and who you could confide in without it being an official report to HR? Maybe he would listen to that other someone. I had that work for me once.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 2, 2011 9:55:00 GMT -5
What a nightmare. I feel for you OP. A fair amount of us have been there.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 2, 2011 10:12:13 GMT -5
Make sure you are documenting specific dates and conversations, exactly what was said. Keep a log so if he starts retaliating against you for turning him down you will have something substantial to back you up. I second the recommendation to read the book "The Gift of Fear."
If you work for a large enough company you may be able to go to HR for a transfer to a different department. We have done that at my employer. The problem with it is that the women were pretty much labeled complainers. The men were shipped off to Sexual Harassment training and the reputations of both harasser and harassee were impacted. In one case I had to order a psych eval for the harasser to determine if he was a danger to the office. But in that case he was acting pretty scary and was scaring a lot more coworkers than just the woman that broke up with him.
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Feb 2, 2011 10:14:48 GMT -5
Have you considered discussing this with his manager or yours?
Also, your approach needs to be more direct. A simply declarative statement such as "I do not appreciate your comments and find them highly inappropriate and unprofessional. I am not interested in pursuing a relationship beyond work and expect you stop making them immediately." Then document the date and time and anything else he's done and take it up the line.
As others have stated, your job is the last thing you need to be worried about. You need to protect yourself and your family. What happens if you are expected to work late with him one night and he pushes the issue?
I am not one to cry harrassment over every little thing a man at work says to me but I also make it very clear that what I will and will not tolerate from my male co-workers. Some will say something and then apologize. I let them know I appreciate that and if its something that doesn't really bother me, that its ok but in the future I will definately tell them if what I think they say is inappropriate. I feel this approach has garnered me a level of respect from them.
Bottom line (and some will flame me for my opinion): if you're uncomfortable with this man, grow some ovaries and do what is necessary to stop it. If you're not willing to do that, then as far as I'm concerned, if something more serious should happen.............well, I won't say you deserve it or were asking for it, but I'm not going to be inclined to give you any sympathy because you had the opportunity to prevent it.
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schildi
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Post by schildi on Feb 2, 2011 10:19:46 GMT -5
You've "declined", but have you said plainly, "Joe, your interest makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want to report you to HR, but I will if it is necessary. Your advances are unwanted and you need to stop."? If not, try it. If he still keeps it up, he is unstable and you definately should report him. I agree. Give him a warning that you'll report this, his last chance. Sounds like he is in denial. If after that last warning he does not stop, do report him to HR.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 2, 2011 10:31:27 GMT -5
We don't know what she has told him. She said he knows she is married with kids. He may or may not KNOW she is happy. I think she needs to reiterate the "No" part, and tell him to knock it off. If that doesn't work - Lena is right, take a chance and report him, or put up with it and make money. Her choice.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 2, 2011 11:13:53 GMT -5
One day you'll be mine? Are you kidding me? OP, I adore my job and my company and I would be heartsick if I had to leave for a BS reason like this-- but no job is worth your life! This guy is worse than a creep. He could really be dangerous. One of you needs to get the F out of there YESTERDAY, and given what you've told us, it sounds like it will be you.
That is rough and I feel for you. Like I said, I'd be extremely upset if I were forced out of a job because of a jerk like this. But it's better than being stalked, raped, or killed.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Feb 2, 2011 11:27:05 GMT -5
"One day you will be mine, I just know it."
Maybe he is liking the challenge and your resonses are just encouraging him. (I didn't say it was rational, just a possibility)
Me- I'd come up with some sarcastic response like "gees, are you trying to get yourself fired for sexual harrassment" or simply "That was inappropriate."
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