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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2012 14:58:20 GMT -5
I have zero patience for jealousy. Goose was very jealous when we first started dating and I put my foot down about it really soon into our relationship. I understand why he was. His ex-wife cheated on him multiple times and that is why they eventually divorced. He saw that I had a lot of male friends (always had more male friends than female). He hated it. It made him see red. But, thankfully I was able to get him to see that there was nothing to be jealous of and that I didn't find jealousy an attractive trait at all.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Jun 26, 2012 15:00:19 GMT -5
I couldn't forgive a cheater - it's a deal breaker for me. My ex cheated on me and left me for her. It took me a long time to really trust men after that.
That said, I believe that DH would never cheat and I never give it a thought. He's painfully honest and it would show if he did cheat.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 26, 2012 15:18:18 GMT -5
I honestly think my DH is too lazy to cheat. But I don't worry about it because if that's his plan there is nothing I can do about it. DH has gotten jealous about certain male friends I've had only because he didn't trust THEM! He said it was the way they looked at me that made him nervous. But I assured him they weren't my type and I'd never go there. But if they were my type... I'm kidding! Well, there was this one time...
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 15:46:33 GMT -5
I honestly think my DH is too lazy to cheat. LOL...mine too...he has told me on many occassions that having one female in his life is MOOORE than enough....I don't think that was a compliment!
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 26, 2012 16:08:42 GMT -5
...:::"...only because he didn't trust THEM!":::...
I completely understand that logic. I knew someone who cheated on her fiance with a friend (from out of town who was visiting) because he managed to push all the right buttons. They were having problems. He was the sympathetic ear, and she was vulnerable and he played it exactly right and "it just happened".
The REALLY sad and ironic thing is that her fiance had a problem with her going alone to his hotel room to visit, because he "trusted her, but NOT him". She of course assured him that there was nothing to worry about and fed him that same crap about "I wouldn't let that happen" and so forth. They got past it, but I'm sure it wasn't easy.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 26, 2012 16:13:04 GMT -5
I freaking HATE that logic. DH tried that crap with me, and absolutely not. Either you trust me or you don't. It's still the friends fault who cheated, not the friend she cheated with.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 26, 2012 16:17:06 GMT -5
Thinking about this further, I recall reading an interview recently with a guy who routinely bags married women by "fulfilling needs their husbands aren't". Most of the time it was just about listening, showing interest, not being judgmental... It was kind of sad how easy it sounded.
He seemed to be pretty OK with it. I'm not sure how he covered himself ethically. There is nothing wrong with sitting and talking to someone. I guess one could dissect who made what moves. Or one could assume that since his intent is impure, he is guilty from the get go. Or one could blame the women for taking it too far. Who knows.
If just half the energy that was spent dissecting blame, had been diverted towards fixing the underlying problem, maybe things wouldn't have to go so far.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 16:17:15 GMT -5
...:::"...only because he didn't trust THEM!":::... I completely understand that logic. I knew someone who cheated on her fiance with a friend (from out of town who was visiting) because he managed to push all the right buttons. They were having problems. He was the sympathetic ear, and she was vulnerable and he played it exactly right and "it just happened". The REALLY sad and ironic thing is that her fiance had a problem with her going alone to his hotel room to visit, because he "trusted her, but NOT him". She of course assured him that there was nothing to worry about and fed him that same crap about "I wouldn't let that happen" and so forth. They got past it, but I'm sure it wasn't easy. See...I don't buy that logic..."he pushed all the right buttons"...why is he made into the villain and she is the victim? She went to his hotel room...I'm sorry, I'm pretty liberal and even I think that isn't kosher....the only buttons he pushed are the ones he allowed her to push. I get so annoyed when people try to blame someone else for their own mistakes....she fucked up...she went to a guys hotel room and wound up sleeping with him...what's wrong with just saying that as opposed to blaming the guy who didn't have a commitment to anyone (or at least not to the fiance)? I'm an adult, unless I was drugged, anything I would do would be my responsibility to own. As for the fiance, I can't say I blame him for having an issue with his fiiance going to a hotel room to meet a guy...that just sounds like trouble waiting to happen.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 26, 2012 16:25:39 GMT -5
...:::"DH tried that crap with me, and absolutely not. Either you trust me or you don't. It's still the friends fault who cheated, not the friend she cheated with.":::...
Well in this case, the fiance was totally right not to trust the other guy. The other guy, at some point (pre-meditated, or when he saw the chance), decided to seize the opportunity. He totally could have exercised some morality and discipline. He could have not made a move. If she made the move, he could have said "I'm flattered, but you are ENGAGED."
His fiancee had no "intention" to go cheat, but "it just happened". He trusted her, and she let him down. I don't know who "started" it, but the woman and the other guy sure "finished" it. Maybe neither party ever intended for that to happen, but both saw an opportunity and seized the moment.
I guess if it turns out the guy was totally the instigator, then "its him I don't trust" has some merit. I'm told some guys are just very very good at getting women into bed, whether they want to or not. The truth will likely never be known.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 16:27:48 GMT -5
...:::"DH tried that crap with me, and absolutely not. Either you trust me or you don't. It's still the friends fault who cheated, not the friend she cheated with.":::... Well in this case, the fiance was totally right not to trust the other guy. The other guy, at some point (pre-meditated, or when he saw the chance), decided to seize the opportunity. He totally could have exercised some morality and discipline. He could have not made a move. If she made the move, he could have said "I'm flattered, but you are ENGAGED." . Really? Because in this case I'm reading that the fiance was totally wrong for trusting the fiance...she was the one that cheated...she was the one that had the commitment...yes, the other guy could have said no, but he wasn't the one that was committed.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 16:29:12 GMT -5
...:::" I'm told some guys are just very very good at getting women into bed, . So SF claiming all women are frigid isn't true?
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jun 26, 2012 16:29:34 GMT -5
Deleted.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 26, 2012 16:30:20 GMT -5
I honestly think my DH is too lazy to cheat. LOL...mine too...he has told me on many occasions that having one female in his life is MOOORE than enough....I don't think that was a compliment! LMAO!! Sure it was. That's what I tell myself - especially when DH says he'd not marry again if something happens to me. I'm irreplaceable. At least that's what I heard. Dark, LMAO!!! Being a rapist isn't funny, but what you said was.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 16:34:28 GMT -5
I'm told some guys are just very very good at getting women into bed, whether they want to or not. Yeah, they're called rapists. Otherwise the woman wanted too, she just doesn't want to tell her fiancee that. LMAO!!! Errr...I mean that is wrong....shame on you!
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 26, 2012 16:37:05 GMT -5
All I'll ever know is that the fiance did not approve of the situation, and the exact outcome he feared is the one that came to pass. I don't believe there is solely one correct interpretation. We're smart people, we can spin any angle we want.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 26, 2012 16:38:18 GMT -5
Dark, remove post 114. I've already stopped that angle once, and I don't want to have to lock this thread.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 16:41:35 GMT -5
All I'll ever know is that the fiance did not approve of the situation, and the exact outcome he feared is the one that came to pass. I don't believe there is solely one correct interpretation. We're smart people, we can spin any angle we want. He didnt' approve of the situation because it wasn't a situation his fiance should have put herself in....it sounds like he needs to believe she was the victim in all of this....I guess whatever works for him
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jun 26, 2012 16:43:20 GMT -5
Dark, remove post 114. I've already stopped that angle once, and I don't want to have to lock this thread. Done. Sorry.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 26, 2012 16:46:07 GMT -5
...:::"...only because he didn't trust THEM!":::... I completely understand that logic. I knew someone who cheated on her fiance with a friend (from out of town who was visiting) because he managed to push all the right buttons. They were having problems. He was the sympathetic ear, and she was vulnerable and he played it exactly right and "it just happened". The REALLY sad and ironic thing is that her fiance had a problem with her going alone to his hotel room to visit, because he "trusted her, but NOT him". She of course assured him that there was nothing to worry about and fed him that same crap about "I wouldn't let that happen" and so forth. They got past it, but I'm sure it wasn't easy. That's not what I meant at all. I meant he could tell one had a crush on me (he would look at me like MM does a bottle of wine) and the other was an ex who still cared for me and was a gorgeous attorney. He was concerned the first one would make a move and I'd have to punch him and the other may tempt me to go back with him. Other male friends he wasn't worried about because they didn't set off any "concerns" in DH. If I acted like the fiance you mentioned did that would be on me only. I was talking about dinner out in public not going to a hotel room with them.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 26, 2012 16:51:31 GMT -5
I think that when you've had an affair, any attempt to put the blame on someone else (whether that be your partner or the person you cheated with) that actually succeeds in taking the onus off yourself is a SPECTACULARLY successful diversionary tactic.
In other words: if you can get your partner (or whomever you're talking to) focus on how much your partner froze you out prior to the affair, or how the person you cheated with was just "pushing the right buttons," or ANY of that, then it stops being about you and starts being something that you just couldn't control.
And boy, if you can make someone believe that about a CONSENSUAL affair you've had... you win, forever.
The problem with winning is that it doesn't actually absolve you of responsibility. It just means you are really good at manipulating people. The issues that caused you to cheat? They're still there. And as long as your focus is on making people think that it wasn't your fault, they're going to stay there.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 16:51:40 GMT -5
All I'll ever know is that the fiance did not approve of the situation, and the exact outcome he feared is the one that came to pass. I don't believe there is solely one correct interpretation. We're smart people, we can spin any angle we want. But the fiance didn't trust the other guy.. when clearly he couldn't trust his fiancee. And, to be honest, out of RESPECT for her fiance.. this woman should not have met this person, alone in his hotel room once her fiance said he was not comfortable with it. Meet somewhere public for drinks or whatever.. the minute you take it somewhere private, you are just inviting trouble. Stop blaming the poor woman...she was just an innocent victim in all of this...it's not her fall his penis fell into her
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 26, 2012 16:53:51 GMT -5
...:::"He didnt' approve of the situation because it wasn't a situation his fiance should have put herself in...":::...
My point is that she probably read him the riot act about how dare he not trust her when he expressed his disapproval. She had no intention of cheating at the time they had the argument.
She failed to uphold her end of the bargain, and she was wrong for that. It just sucks for the guy that he got in trouble for not trusting her, and then she betrayed his trust.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jun 26, 2012 16:55:58 GMT -5
Stop blaming the poor woman...she was just an innocent victim in all of this Exactly! There she was, in a hotel room alone with another guy, just minding her own business, then BLAM! He ambushes her with some pretty words, and the next thing she knows she's doing the walk of shame back to her place... all despoiled and stuff. Poor woman. They should have a charity that helps people in her situation out...
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 26, 2012 16:57:39 GMT -5
...:::"And, to be honest, out of RESPECT for her fiance.. this woman should not have met this person, alone in his hotel room once her fiance said he was not comfortable with it. Meet somewhere public for drinks or whatever.. the minute you take it somewhere private, you are just inviting trouble.":::...
And this is where that "either you trust me or you don't" fight comes into play. She'll sit there and say "you have no reason to worry because you can trust me". He'll say "but I don't like it, this is how bad stuff happens". She'll repeat "either you trust me or you don't".
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 16:58:50 GMT -5
...:::"He didnt' approve of the situation because it wasn't a situation his fiance should have put herself in...":::... My point is that she probably read him the riot act about how dare he not trust her when he expressed his disapproval. She had no intention of cheating at the time they had the argument. . Honestly, if she loved and respected her fiance, she wouldn't have went...according to you she wasn't planning on letting that penis slip into her, so if that's the case she should have cared that it made her fiance umcomfortable....
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 17:00:05 GMT -5
...:::"And, to be honest, out of RESPECT for her fiance.. this woman should not have met this person, alone in his hotel room once her fiance said he was not comfortable with it. Meet somewhere public for drinks or whatever.. the minute you take it somewhere private, you are just inviting trouble.":::... And this is where that "either you trust me or you don't" fight comes into play. She'll sit there and say "you have no reason to worry because you can trust me". He'll say "but I don't like it, this is how bad stuff happens". She'll repeat "either you trust me or you don't". I'm big on trust...and I've let (that sounds bad...I dont control him) my husband go out to a bar with my gorgeous, blonde best friend because Ididn't want to go...I trust him...but there is no way in hell I would be comfortable with him going to a hotel room with someone...trust or not, it just doesn't pass the sniff test with me.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 17:00:50 GMT -5
Stop blaming the poor woman...she was just an innocent victim in all of this Exactly! There she was, in a hotel room alone with another guy, just minding her own business, then BLAM! He ambushes her with some pretty words, and the next thing she knows she's doing the walk of shame back to her place... all despoiled and stuff. Poor woman. They should have a charity that helps people in her situation out... Dark, lol!!!
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 26, 2012 17:06:55 GMT -5
...:::"trust or not, it just doesn't pass the sniff test with me":::...
Such is the root of the conflict. Assuming there was no pre-meditation, then at the time of objection, the woman saw nothing to object to. Her fiance was "overreacting" and "being controlling and mistrustful".
Perhaps one's feeling on the validity of these arguments depends entirely on whether you are the one with the objection or the one being objected to.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 26, 2012 17:07:57 GMT -5
What was his answer after the happy hookered hotel visit?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 17:11:23 GMT -5
...:::"And, to be honest, out of RESPECT for her fiance.. this woman should not have met this person, alone in his hotel room once her fiance said he was not comfortable with it. Meet somewhere public for drinks or whatever.. the minute you take it somewhere private, you are just inviting trouble.":::... And this is where that "either you trust me or you don't" fight comes into play. She'll sit there and say "you have no reason to worry because you can trust me". He'll say "but I don't like it, this is how bad stuff happens". She'll repeat "either you trust me or you don't". Well then she sounds like a manipulative bitch to be honest! ETA: It also sounds to me like she wanted to be alone with this person and was using her fiance's trust as a weapon against him which is wrong on many different levels. I agree...It sounds like she knew exactly what she was doing...
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