Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 25, 2012 18:36:56 GMT -5
Oh, and to answer the question - no, I don't think a spouse can "drive" a person to cheat. But it's a complicated question. I know people who have cheated in unhappy marriages. It *was* their chosen way out of the situation. And I guess I can't understand being that unhappy and also that passive-aggressive.
People cheat for all kinds of reasons. And frankly, if DH ever DID cheat on me I would be much more worried about the fact that our communication had obviously failed in a major way than I would be about the specific cheating act. BUT, that wouldn't mean (to me) that I forced or drove him to cheat. A failure of that scale would be his fault as much as mine, and I would hate that instead of trying to address it, he went behind my back to find comfort with someone else.
And THAT kind of scenario would be way different from my reaction to a drunken one-night stand, to a long-term "emotional but not physical" affair, etc. It would just depend entirely on the situation. Most likely, yes, I'd look to discover my own responsibility in the state of our marriage but I would NOT equate that to taking responsibility for my partner cheating. In my mind, the fact that he picked that particular "solution" would be totally on him, and we'd definitely need to work through it AS WELL AS whatever other issues that were going on at the time.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 25, 2012 19:31:20 GMT -5
Most of the hyper-jealous people I know (men and women) and the ones who ALWAYS suspect their partner of cheating on them are the ones who cheat. I don't know if it's projection, or assuming that because they cheat, everyone cheats, but almost inevitably if someone has a really jealous SO it's because the SO is cheating. This makes sense. People do attract certain types - codependents/addicts especially. I can be the jealous type, but the thought of DH cheating has never crossed my mind. He is a painstakingly honest person. I don't think he could if he wanted to. Ironically, cheating is not necessarily a dealbreaker for me (but it is for him).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 19:36:19 GMT -5
That said, I do believe deeply held beliefs end can bite us in the ass because when deeply held - they must be manifested in the universe.
I haven't addressed this, but I strongly believe this too.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jun 25, 2012 19:55:18 GMT -5
:You did if "forsaking all others" was in your vows... : It wasn't. I had 3 choices of vows, I waited to point out that I picked the one without that verbage till after the wedding. So did you have to sleep on the floor during your honeymoon? Honeymoons cost money, I can be alone with my wife and miserable at home for free. ETA: Hell I didn't even buy her an engagement or wedding ring.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 20:12:21 GMT -5
ETA: Hell I didn't even buy her an engagement or wedding ring. And given how frugal many of us are, this is something to brag about?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 20:13:29 GMT -5
Honeymoons cost money, I can be alone with my wife and miserable at home for free.
Too bad you and Gowron don't live closer LOL.
OK, I'll bite, Hoops ... does she even have an engagement and / or wedding ring?
I'm guessing that she does, and that's it's a family heirloom.
And, I'm guessing it's from your family. But, I wouldn't put money on that.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 25, 2012 21:29:59 GMT -5
Not married, but if you can't trust your partner, then you've already lost in my opinion. Hell, I can't even get ONE girlfriend, let alone more than one .
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jun 25, 2012 21:32:56 GMT -5
Not married, but if you can't trust your partner, then you've already lost in my opinion. Hell, I can't even get ONE girlfriend, let alone more than one . I thought the other one was just a piece on the side. Girlfriends are expensive Not to mention multiple girlfriends are hassles multiplied. After all you'd be screwed if they were PMSing at the same time.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 25, 2012 21:36:25 GMT -5
What always baffled me about cheaters is not the cheater, but the person who cheats with a married person.
Shouldn't people have more respect for themselves than to be the mistress of a married man? I would NEVER in a million years have relations with a married woman. My companionship is worth more than, I'm worth more than that.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jun 25, 2012 21:53:49 GMT -5
I suspect many have low self esteem. And then there are some for whatever reason who seek out unavailable people.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jun 25, 2012 21:54:16 GMT -5
What always baffled me about cheaters is not the cheater, but the person who cheats with a married person. Shouldn't people have more respect for themselves than to be the mistress of a married man? I would NEVER in a million years have relations with a married woman. My companionship is worth more than, I'm worth more than that. So no being a boy toy for you?
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Jun 25, 2012 21:54:58 GMT -5
Those that say cheating isn't a deal breaker for you, I have a question.
If your SO does cheat and you stay. Work on the issues. Gain the trust back. Everyone is happy again, then they cheat again. Would it be a deal breaker at that point? You know, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I don't think I could get past the cheating. I am pretty sure it would be a deal breaker for me.
Now, do I think someone can make someone cheat? No. No one can make anyone do anything they didn't want to do to begin with. But if someone is nagging someone all the time, I could see people just cheating to say Yeah I did, now what. LOL But I know a lot shallow people like that.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jun 25, 2012 21:58:50 GMT -5
Assuming I worked past it once and I have yet to successfully in the long run, I think I'd have some serious soul searching to do. Once could be a damn I screwed up thing, how did we end up in this position? Assuming those issues were fixed and we'd moved on, cheating again would be a problem. I'd have to think long and hard about whether I'd forgive a second time.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Jun 25, 2012 23:39:02 GMT -5
I was cheated on, and I "forgave" it. Then it happened again. I learned there is no way in hell I'll ever give a guy a second chance when it comes to cheating again. I can't live with the lack of trust ever again.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2012 3:23:36 GMT -5
Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I honestly do not believe I could get past it even once. I trust my husband completely and am not a jealous person at all. But, if he did ever cheat, it would be over. I do not believe I could ever trust him again and to me, when trust is gone, the marriage is done.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2012 6:24:07 GMT -5
Yes, i think that is such a huge betrayal on so many levels. It would be very difficult to get past that and i am not sure i could either. But, there are some couples who do , but even for those who do the spouse who betrayed has inflicted a huge wound upon the other spouse's soul and heart and rung a bell they can't unring.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 26, 2012 6:53:08 GMT -5
Yup, if you forgive a cheater, they will just do it again. I have always felt that if someone who hits a woman got the crap beat out of him besides getting the fun experience of jail and being someone's girlfriend, that they'd never do it again. When a person accepts abuse it makes the abuse continue.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2012 6:56:23 GMT -5
I think there are thresholds of behavior that once crossed, the bad behavior simply becomes easier and easier to commit like adultery and abuse. And, once the person crosses into that territory it becomes all that much more difficult to not become a repeat offender. Doesn't mean people cannot change or that they do indeed make mistakes. But, i think you know what i mean. Morning zibby!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 26, 2012 7:05:32 GMT -5
Morning. I always wondered if the first time it happened if I had taken the kids and left would it have made a difference? Would he have been so shook up that he would sin no more? But then I realize, he was a sick person from a sick family and it would have made no difference in the end. That's why I tell my kids to not get involved in dysfunctional families and so far, they have listened. ;D
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2012 7:08:03 GMT -5
Perhaps your life experiences will save your kids from a world of pain.
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Labcat
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Post by Labcat on Jun 26, 2012 7:22:48 GMT -5
I'm married to a serial cheater and the lack of trust does suck. At first I thought it was something I did, or did not do, that caused him to cheat. Unfortunately (fortunately?) it's not anything I did/do- in his case it's a form of addiction and the actual physical cheating is similar to the drunken blackout or junkie OD. (You'll just have to trust me on this.) So why am I still here? In the vows there was a 'sickness or health' clause and I believe this qualifies as a sickness. He has agreed to get treatment but if that doesn't happen or he can't make progress then I'll have to make preparations to leave. There aren't and won't be any kids involved (he's fixed) so the only people this really affects are us.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 26, 2012 7:34:04 GMT -5
I'd be afraid of the diseases he could pass on as well. I got tested every six months for two years and thankfully, I was clean. He, on the other hand, got herpes and was dumb enough to tell me about it after we were divorced, like I was going to feel sorry for him. What an idiot.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jun 26, 2012 7:44:50 GMT -5
I don't know how I think about this. I worked with a guy whose wife was obsessive about keeping tabs on him. She would call work after 5 PM, and if I happened to answer the phone, I had to walk over to the front of the building to look out and see if his car was still there. Then I had to search the building for him so he could come talk to his wife on the phone and reassure her he was still at work, not off somewhere fooling around with some tramp. (This was before the era of cell phones). He was always so angry at her for wasting my time, and angry that she was so paranoid she had to keep tabs on him at all times. As far as I know he never cheated on her, but I always wondered, with her constant checking up on him, if he might have said "screw it, I might as well go ahead and do it, if she thinks I'm doing it."
I just don't get the whole obsessive checking thing - DH and I trust each other; it won't occur to me to cheat on him, and it won't occur to me that he might be cheating on me.
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Labcat
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Post by Labcat on Jun 26, 2012 7:46:05 GMT -5
I'd be afraid of the diseases he could pass on as well. I got tested every six months for two years and thankfully, I was clean. He, on the other hand, got herpes and was dumb enough to tell me about it after we were divorced, like I was going to feel sorry for him. What an idiot. That's my biggest fear as well. The last time he cheated he had immediate remorse and called me as he was coming home. There was no sex until after all test results came back clean. I don't get overly emotional (I come fully loaded with my own problems but I completely acknowledge them) and I think I've finally convinced him that his world won't implode as long as he's honest about what happened. However, if I find out on my own, then we're done.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 7:57:35 GMT -5
My best friend and her fiance are extremely jealous people and it drives me nuts. If someone even LOOKS at either of them (and they are both very attractive people) and argument starts....it's to the point that I rarely go out with them because of the fights caused by their jealousy. On the rare occasion she and I go out to eat alone, he calls 15 times....but on the flip side, if he and my husband go out to do something, she is doing the same thing to him.
I honestly couldn't live like that. You either trust a person or you don't. Without trust there is no relationship. Those two have made it impossible for the other to cheat because they are either always together or always in phone contact...but that is a sad way to live.
I am not typically a jealous person and my husband has never given me a reason to be jealous. FFS, years ago my best friend at the time (a very gorgeous blonde) wanted to go to a bar to watch a football game. My husband also wanted to go but I had no interest. I sent the two of them together. It never crossed my mind that he would cheat on me or that she would betray me. Other friends (more jealous type) thought I was nuts. I would let my husband now go with my current best friend (another gorgeous blonde...I need to find uglier friends!lol) because in my heart, I do not believe he would betray me. Of course, bff's fiance wouldn't allow it so I will never have to worry about it
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2012 8:19:07 GMT -5
I don't ever really worry about DH cheating on me. He is a TERRIBLE liar, he is pretty anti-social, and he primarily works with older men and women (and they're not very attractive. ). He once said something to the effect of "I can barely please one woman, so how would I be able to please two?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2012 8:46:15 GMT -5
Yes. It is something i have never worried about. We just trust each other. I have gone to weekend conferences out of town with my male married partner. There is no question or issue that either of us would ever cheat. Or, maybe it is simply understood that is an absolute deal breaker. I just can't see the point of worrying about it. If i have to worry about it, then that is not the right man for me. You cannot corral or keep anyone or force them to love you. They either do or they don't.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 26, 2012 8:46:39 GMT -5
What always baffled me about cheaters is not the cheater, but the person who cheats with a married person. Shouldn't people have more respect for themselves than to be the mistress of a married man? I would NEVER in a million years have relations with a married woman. My companionship is worth more than, I'm worth more than that. But it is the married person that made the commitment, not the person they are cheating with. I place 100% of the blame on the person who broke their vows.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2012 8:47:22 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2012 8:47:42 GMT -5
Miss tequila!
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