thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 25, 2012 16:56:22 GMT -5
I have a friend who appears to be quite insecure in her marriage. She is always talking about how her husband could never do better than her (and he is a good one - he would do just fine) and stuff like that. Then, when she went to hire a nanny, she would only hire an ugly nanny. She didn't think he needed the temptation.
I'm not exactly sure what is going on in their marriage - but I know that her Dad stepped out on her Mom, so I'm thinking this is just an left-over fear from her childhood.
I don't really give in to any fears about my husband cheating - I'll cross that bridge when/if I get there. Not thinking about it makes it so I treat him trust and respect, which I think makes him less likely to want to go elsewhere. My friend, on the other hand, structures her life around it and she hen-pecks her husband. I'm wondering if one day he'll just get sick of it and throw in the towel.
Can a woman drive a man to cheat?
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jun 25, 2012 16:59:05 GMT -5
::Can a woman drive a man to cheat? ::
Yes, by marrying him.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 25, 2012 17:09:44 GMT -5
It is possible. I don't see it - but that doesn't mean it isn't true. There are many things I don't know.
But, if he has cheated on her, and she treats him like a second class citizen - DOOM!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 17:11:28 GMT -5
I don't worry about cheating. My point to my spouse is that if i can and want to cheat, i will and he can't stop me. And, if he can and wants to cheat, he will and i can't stop it. So, what is the point of either partner obsessing about it? You either trust one another or not. If not, what is the point?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 17:12:51 GMT -5
People cheat because they choose too. Nobody can "drive" another person to cheat. That is just the pathetic excuse of a person not taking personal responsibility. Everyone has a choice. If the marriage isn't working, that person can choose to get out or not.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jun 25, 2012 17:14:25 GMT -5
People cheat because they choose too. Nobody can "drive" another person to cheat. That is just the pathetic excuse of a person not taking personal responsibility. Everyone has a choice. If the marriage isn't working, that person can choose to get out or not. Or that person can choose to stay married and sleep around if they like. I didn't agree not to sleep around in my marriage vows.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 25, 2012 17:17:42 GMT -5
Maybe she's the cheater and is projecting her faults in her husband.
I think you can "push" someone to cheat, but the cheater isn't right. If you spouse is that bad, get out.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 25, 2012 17:18:13 GMT -5
A few years into our marriage I did the math. I asked myself this question "If I'm a bitch to my husband, will he be happy coming home to me?" And I opted to work on being less naggy and less bitchy about stupid shit. My big one was the dishes. "If I nag my husband to do the dishes and he leaves, I'll still have to do the dishes every night, but I will be alone doing them." Granted, he still does the dishes every once in a while, and he does a shit-ton of other chores. So, it isn't like I'm waiting on him hand and foot. But, the way we work on the responsibilities of those chores is more pleasant.
I told him I thought about it that way, and he said "You mean, if I don't do the dishes, you might leave, and then I'll be alone and I will have to start doing the dishes??!!" LOL - well, no, that wasn't what I was implying - but hey, grab a towel and get to work!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 25, 2012 17:18:42 GMT -5
I've known lots of people like this and I just don't get it. One girl told me that she'd be pissed if her man wasn't the jealous type (and she kept him on a tight leash too because of her insane jealousy). My assumption is that people like this just attract others like them. I mean what person with any amount of self respect would stay in a relationship like that?
My DH works in a field dominated by women in their young 20's. If he wanted to cheat it would be pretty easy to find someone, and I could drive myself crazy if I worried about it. Thankfully that has never been an issue for me.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Jun 25, 2012 17:19:07 GMT -5
DH works too much to cheat. He just doesn't have the energy after working 70+ hour a week to woo a lady, so I don't worry about it that much.
I remember hearing a book review/study about men and cheating. The author reported that most men cheated because they found someone who admired them again after their spouse had ceased to hold them in regard. That makes sense to me. I think DH would be a lot more likely to cheat to get the emotional high of being admired than the sexual high of a new partner.
Also, I think some people cheat as a cowardly way to end a relationship.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 25, 2012 17:21:25 GMT -5
Never thought of that! I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't cheating, but has the desire to. They met when she was very young. Maybe she is feeling that she didn't get to sow her own oats, and is regretting it a little. She might be meeting people that she is wondering "If I was single, would that guy be after me?" And, after all, if she is thinking it, he must be too. At least in her mind.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 25, 2012 17:25:49 GMT -5
I've known lots of people like this and I just don't get it. One girl told me that she'd be pissed if her man wasn't the jealous type (and she kept him on a tight leash too because of her insane jealousy). My assumption is that people like this just attract others like them. I mean what person with any amount of self respect would stay in a relationship like that? My DH works in a field dominated by women in their young 20's. If he wanted to cheat it would be pretty easy to find someone, and I could drive myself crazy if I worried about it. Thankfully that has never been an issue for me. I know people like that too and I don't get it either. Jealously is a really not an attractive trait.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 17:26:46 GMT -5
People cheat because they choose too. Nobody can "drive" another person to cheat. That is just the pathetic excuse of a person not taking personal responsibility. Everyone has a choice. If the marriage isn't working, that person can choose to get out or not. Or that person can choose to stay married and sleep around if they like. I didn't agree not to sleep around in my marriage vows. Well, that is my point. Anyone can do whatever they want and they will if they choose too. I cannot stop my spouse from cheating if he chooses. But, if he does and i find out, there will certainly be Hell to pay but that is his choice.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jun 25, 2012 17:29:22 GMT -5
:You did if "forsaking all others" was in your vows... :
It wasn't. I had 3 choices of vows, I waited to point out that I picked the one without that verbage till after the wedding.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 25, 2012 17:32:57 GMT -5
I have a friend who appears to be quite insecure in her marriage. She is always talking about how her husband could never do better than her (and he is a good one - he would do just fine) and stuff like that. Then, when she went to hire a nanny, she would only hire an ugly nanny. She didn't think he needed the temptation. I'm not exactly sure what is going on in their marriage - but I know that her Dad stepped out on her Mom, so I'm thinking this is just an left-over fear from her childhood. I don't really give in to any fears about my husband cheating - I'll cross that bridge when/if I get there. Not thinking about it makes it so I treat him trust and respect, which I think makes him less likely to want to go elsewhere. My friend, on the other hand, structures her life around it and she hen-pecks her husband. I'm wondering if one day he'll just get sick of it and throw in the towel. Can a woman drive a man to cheat? Can a woman influence a man to make him want to cheat? Probably. In the end it would be the cheater's choice more than the other partner's behavior IMO unless of course the other partner has decided to become celibate or something. That said, I do believe deeply held beliefs end can bite us in the ass because when deeply held - they must be manifested in the universe. So in this case, because she believes he will cheat, she will eventually attract into their lives a situation that he will choose to cheat. Its not a chicken and egg situation. If she believes that strongly enough she would attract into her life and marry someone who will eventually cheat on her. Law of attraction and all that. That's the biggest reason people often don't get what they want in relationships because they simply believe they can not. If you believe the only reason someone will come in to your life is to use you for your money then you will repel all other kinds of people out of your life even if your desire is for a marriage of financial equals or even one where the financial load moves among partners. A person who matches your other desires can only come and stay in your life when those desires are stronger than your belief only a user would be your SO or marry you.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 25, 2012 17:33:30 GMT -5
I know people like that too and I don't get it either. Jealously is a really not an attractive trait. DH was the jealous type in the beginning and thank god that was one thing I put my foot down on. I don't give a flying f*ck what you think of that other person, all that matters is what actions you think I'm capable of. If he still is he knows to keep his trap shut, but I do think that was one thing that I was able to change his mind about.
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dancinmama
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Post by dancinmama on Jun 25, 2012 17:33:45 GMT -5
Geez, if I couldn't trust my DH I'd be miserable. He travels all the time. Many times female colleagues travel with him and/or he flies to a destination where he has business with women who then "play hostess" and "entertain" him (i.e. they have taken him to sporting events, bars that have great jazz music as entertainment, etc.). He even did a 5-month assignment up in Alaska that broke up more than one marriage. I did not spend a single nanosecond wondering whether or not he was being faithful.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 25, 2012 17:40:20 GMT -5
I think you can drive a man to leave you, of course. But to cheat? I think he does that all on his own. If a person is nagged/bitched/treated badly to the point they can't stand it anymore, leaving is understandable. Being nagged/bitched/treated badly so you cheat and stay in the marriage is not. At least not to me.
Of course the same applies to women.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 25, 2012 17:48:25 GMT -5
I get jealous, but I don't let it affect anything. DH knows when I'm jealous, but also knows that I trust him. As far as I'm concerned, my jealousy is my issue, not his. He hasn't done anything that would make me not trust him. So when he asks- do you want me to not spend time with this person (I'm usually jealous of specific people), I say- No, that would be stupid, and if I started trying to control who your friends were, how much more likely would you be to cheat?
He is not above using my jealousy to try and get some extra nookie.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 25, 2012 17:53:40 GMT -5
I think you are exactly right, MM. I bet you could ask 100 people why they cheat and each would have a different reason, but all would be somehow related to a need not being met.
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les63
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Post by les63 on Jun 25, 2012 18:02:19 GMT -5
I found out last month my husband had been cheating on me. Seems about the whole town plus my fifteen year old sons friends knew. It took the husband tracking me down and ringing our doorbell. Plus a DWI in March. And spending recklessly the last six months buying drinks, ringing the bar bell and playing pulltabs. About $10,000 worth.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 18:03:18 GMT -5
People cheat because they choose too. Nobody can "drive" another person to cheat. That is just the pathetic excuse of a person not taking personal responsibility. Everyone has a choice. If the marriage isn't working, that person can choose to get out or not. Actually, at least for abuse victims, one of the most likely and effective ways for them to get out and stay of the relationship is to cheat. Often they have had their self-esteem beaten down so badly, they can't imagine someone else liking them. By cheating, they see that the abuser is wrong which gives them the strength to get out. Not all, even most victims, stay with the person they cheated on, though. In that way, I would say the abuser drove the victim to cheat and I would not judge the victim.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 18:10:12 GMT -5
Message deleted by debthaven2.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 18:11:28 GMT -5
Oh Les, I'm so sorry. It happened to me too, many years ago. (By the way my ex cheated at lunchtime!)
You will get through this!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 18:11:39 GMT -5
That sounds like a very convoluted approach to me. One doesn't garner self esteem from cheating. And, it is possible an abuse victim will pick another abuser. I certainly would not recommend that. In addition, if one is married to an abuser, fanning the flames of abuse may worsen potential violence as the abuser now feel even more 'justified' in his/ her abuse. If one is abused, one needs to seek help and resouces and get out ASAP and not further compound the difficulties.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 18:15:52 GMT -5
That sounds like a very convoluted approach to me. One doesn't garner self esteem from cheating. And, it is possible an abuse victim will pick another abuser. I certainly would not recommend that. In addition, if one is married to an abuser, fanning the flames of abuse may worsen potential violence as the abuser now feel even more 'justified' in his/ her abuse. If one is abused, one needs to seek help and resouces and get out ASAP and not further compound the difficulties. I can find the psychological articles discussing this, if you would like. Yes, to someone not abused, they think, "just get out" but it does always work that way. And yes, if you have been told "you are ugly, no one but me would love you etc" having someone prove the abuser wrong does help. I am not saying this a personal anecdotal belief but something backed up with research.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2012 18:19:56 GMT -5
I am not saying that hasn't happened. I am saying that it would seem more likely to make a difficult situation worse. And, that often the abused is looking for self esteem from someone else (another man or woman) and that seems to me it would exacerbate and not help self esteem issues.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Jun 25, 2012 18:28:33 GMT -5
I don't think you can drive someone to cheat but constant nagging, doubting, nitpicking, berating, etc regardless of who is doing it can obviously make the other person unhappy and ruin a marriage. Even the nicest person will sooner or later say enough is enough and I've seen people who were married for decades go throught his when one spouse was as nice as could be and the other was basically worthless. One of my good friends cheats on his wife. I don't condone it or egg him on, I told his wife that when she found out and she's ether naive or just ignores it now but regardless if she's going to put up with it by staying married that's her deal.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 25, 2012 18:28:51 GMT -5
He is not above using my jealousy to try and get some extra nookie. I've never been the jealous type. Possibly because cheating is not necessarily a dealbreaker for me. DH told me that his best friend hired strippers/hookers for his bachelor party and I just laughed. I know I'm in the minority on that one. I'm not saying I want DH to do it or anything, but if he did do it, was sorry and wanted to salvage our relationship I think I could get past it. There are kinds of fidelity that matter much more to me. You never really know, though - until you've been in that situation. Which I haven't.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jun 25, 2012 18:31:41 GMT -5
People cheat because they choose too. Nobody can "drive" another person to cheat. That is just the pathetic excuse of a person not taking personal responsibility. Everyone has a choice. If the marriage isn't working, that person can choose to get out or not. Actually, at least for abuse victims, one of the most likely and effective ways for them to get out and stay of the relationship is to cheat. Often they have had their self-esteem beaten down so badly, they can't imagine someone else liking them. By cheating, they see that the abuser is wrong which gives them the strength to get out. Not all, even most victims, stay with the person they cheated on, though. In that way, I would say the abuser drove the victim to cheat and I would not judge the victim. While I can see that might work if someone needed that kind of proof to believe someone else could want them it doesn't seem like the best way to fix the situation. IMO the abused attracts the abuser into their life because they expect the abuse. Sometimes it isn't as clear cut as that, but if someone stays there is a belief their worthiness is so low that they better stay. What you posted is the typical example of seeing is believing, i.e. not changing your beliefs until you can prove the new belief works or makes sense. Harder but better IMO is believing before seeing, i.e. changing your point of view before reality catches up with you. By cheating to become worthy I think you end up exchanging one set of dis-empowering beliefs for another set that is only slightly better.
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