Do you WANT to be a SAHS/P?

[happyhoix]

May 16, 2012 13:15:06 GMT -5 swasat said:

Just curious: How many posters here who have a SAHP lifestyle now or desire to have once they have kids, also had a SAHP when they were growing up?

I had a SAHM when growing up (I'm an old fart, at the time I was a kid, most middle class moms were SAHMs).

The thing was, my mom was so unhappy being a SAHM, all but one of her four daughters decided either not to have kids at all, or to be working mom's.

I often wonder what our lives would have been like if Mom had a job. Money was always tight and that made Mom miserable. She hated housework and complained bitterly that she was always having to take one of her four kids someplace. She turned all that anger onto her kids in negative ways. I wonder if she'd had a job and there was enough money in the household for her to hire a cleaning lady if life would have been better for all of us.

[Peace Of Mind]

My mom was a SAHM when we were kids. When my step dad retired from the military (he was much older) she couldn't take it so when I was old enough to keep an eye on the younger brothers she started working nights. I would get home from school (I was 13 or 14 at the time) and start laundry, make sure they did their homework and cook dinner and do the dishes, etc.. Now I know why I never had kids! LOL!!

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

May 16, 2012 13:22:25 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

The difference is that if manager doesn't have the right person for the job, well there are numerous other candidates he can choose from. Do you suggest that a child start shopping around for new parents if the ones that he has are not giving him what HE needs or should a parent find a way to complete the job?

Lena

Lena, Firebird pretty much answered it for me but I wanted to respond as well. The truth is that our society is becoming a lot more specialized so you can definitely find other candidates, like the manager can. I'm not saying a better candidate to be a parent (Although, there are people that do that. If they know that they won't be good parents, they can give their child to another family to adopt). But the child watching/teaching can most definitely be given to a more qualified person. If I'm someone who would go insane teaching ABCs to my child, I can hire a teacher who loves doing it and is passionate about it. I think a child will get more out of an experience if it is with a person who enjoys being there and is passionate about it (vs someone who is going through the motions just because society says that "a good mom does this").

Just because I outsource the ABCs doesn't mean that I outsource the parenting. I will play catch, teach my kids my ethics and love them. I'm just going to recognize my own weaknesses and not shortchange my kids because I "want to be the one who does it all for them".

[midjd]

My dad was unemployed from the time I was born until I was 7 or so. He was not interested in (or good at) being a SAHD so my mom usually took me to work with her (she worked for my grandpa so it was OK). When my brother and sister came along, they went to a home daycare.

There were good and bad points to both situations. If it hadn't been for my two cousins, I would have had zero interaction with other kids until I started school. I spent a LOT of time reading/writing/drawing on my own. So as you can imagine, I was good in school but basically mute around other kids until 2nd or 3rd grade. My brother and sister are both much more outgoing than I am but not as academic, and not very good at entertaining themselves.

There's probably a happy medium in which you expose your kids to other kids and teach them social interaction but also get in reading/writing/creative time. I don't think this is specific to SAHPing or daycare.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My mom was a working mom, my MIL was a SAHM.

Honestly what they did doesn't really play into my decisions.

Both my grandmothers and MIL have all told me at one point in time that if they were my age today, they would have done things totally differently. It wasn't really a choice to be a SAHM back then.

My dad didn't make enough for my mom to stay home. They made it to pretty much every school recital (I apologize! lol), spent lots of time with us on weekends and were always available.

I've never really had a grass is greener on the other side moment. I think my parents did a good job.

My brother often blames my parents working for how he is today but I've told him you are 22 years old, stop blaming your parents for being a douchcanoe at this point.

I made the decision that was best for me and our circumstances.

I carry our benefits and I work in a field that if I leave it for even so much as a year I am obsolete and would at the very least have to go back to school for another 4 years and since I am not employed, it would be out of my own pocket.

The only time we've butted heads over the issue is when I had to occassionally remind DH that there is a trade off. My house is not going to be as sparkling as his mom's was unless he gets off his hiney and helps me out.

In a perfect world he said yeah he'd like a stay at home wife because that is what he grew up with. However he is happy with what he has, he doesn't want me to change who I am to fit his fantasy life.

[Firebird]

Just because I outsource the ABCs doesn't mean that I outsource the parenting. I will play catch, teach my kids my ethics and love them. I'm just going to recognize my own weaknesses and not shortchange my kids because I "want to be the one who does it all for them".

Again, very well said.

[whoisjohngalt]

Just so there is no confusion - I am not suggesting that SAHPing is the one and only way. My question was - what if your child wants YOU home, are you still going to refuse and say that it's not what best for you or are you going to push yourself to do what's best for the child (General "you").

Lena

[Formerly SK]

My mom was a SAHM and sucked at it. I became a SAHM in part because I wanted to do the opposite of her.

I actually have a problem with some SAHMs whose whole lives revolve around the kids. IMVHO, kids need to learn that life is not all fun and that there are periods of boredom and you have to work. I have friends IRL who are constantly doing things like activities/baking/crafts and it makes me wonder what will happen when the kids are older. Too many activities = kids who don't know how to entertain themselves. Forced creativity through scheduled crafts doesn't necessarily breed the same creativity as spending an hour randomly building a fairy fort in the yard. How can you have quiet contemplation about something if you are always on the go? I see a lot of elementary kids who are seriously high maintenance with their expectations for daily life. I agree with a pp who said the SAHP phenomenon is somewhat recent. Yes, people have been home with their kids for eons, but they were farmers etc and had work to do. They didn't spend every waking minute stimulating their kids. Even women in the 50s had a lot to do housework-wise because there weren't the technological conveniences we have today. I wonder about the kids who are 5-10yo now and used to being entertained 24/7 in some way. What will they be like as adults?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

what if your child wants YOU home, are you still going to refuse and say that it's not what best for you or are you going to push yourself to do what's best for the child

It really depends. It isn't all about me me me, but there are long term factors that come with me or DH giving up our jobs that a child is just not going to be able to understand.

I carry our benefits, a kid isn't even going to understand what benefits are. We can do a cost analysis of it and try to make it all work but in the end it might just be best for me to stay and keep our benefits.

I wouldn't expect Gwen to understand that. It's up to DH and I to decide if giving up my benefits are worth it or not.

Same with loss of income, loss of retirement savings etc. These are decisions that are going to impact us for a lot longer than it will Gwen.

Doesn't mean she wouldn't get a vote, but I don't believe that hers should be the final one since she isn't capable of grasping all the consequences of the decision.

[Sum Dum Gai]

My question was - what if your child wants YOU home, are you still going to refuse and say that it's not what best for you or are you going to push yourself to do what's best for the child

Since when do kids actually know what's best for them? I'm sure mine would rather eat candy than vegetables, that doesn't mean it would be good for them.

[Firebird]

Just so there is no confusion - I am not suggesting that SAHPing is the one and only way. My question was - what if your child wants YOU home, are you still going to refuse and say that it's not what best for you or are you going to push yourself to do what's best for the child (General "you").

Are you talking about older kids? Because that's sort of a different story (to me). When my kids are older, of course their opinions will carry more weight. A baby can't tell the difference, which is one reason I'm not really fussed about giving my kids a SAHP right from the get-go. I think it's actually more valuable later on down the line, since older kids can actually tell the difference between Mommy/Daddy and a nice caregiver.

But even then - like Drama said, of course my kids will have a vote, but they won't have the final say over family decisions. Even if my kid really wanted a SAHP and was able to vocalize that desire, if it wasn't also right for both me AND DH, no, it wouldn't be happening.

If they don't understand why and are unhappy, I'll do my best to explain in their terms but kids also need to learn that life isn't always about getting what you want.

[whoisjohngalt]

Since when do kids actually know what's best for them? I'm sure mine would rather eat candy than vegetables, that doesn't mean it would be good for them.

Some things are not so black and white. If your child is crying every day bc he doesn't want to go to day care or babysitter and just wants to be with you - are you doing to say to them "well, you just don't get it, it really is OK and will be good for you"??

Lena

[Firebird]

Also, I don't think most kids grasp the subtleties of the SAHM versus working parent dilemma. So if my kid is unhappy because we're both working, I think that says more about the quality of attention DH and I are (or aren't) giving them when we're at home than their specific need for a SAHP.

I loved having a SAHM when I was a kid, but I liked my daycare fine and I never had a problem with it. I was generally a happy and well taken care of kid, so I had no real beef even if I missed Mommy sometimes. My MOM was the one who didn't want to leave me there. According to her, I loved it and always came home with a smile on my face.

If my kid is crying when I leave every day and doesn't want to go to daycare, I don't think that automatically means the answer is "Okay baby, I'm quitting my job tomorrow" - but I do think it calls for a reevaluation of our situation to see what is lacking in the kid's life that s/he is not okay with daycare. It could easily be the daycare situation that needs to change.

[swasat]

May 16, 2012 14:18:00 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Since when do kids actually know what's best for them? I'm sure mine would rather eat candy than vegetables, that doesn't mean it would be good for them.

Some things are not so black and white. If your child is crying every day bc he doesn't want to go to day care or babysitter and just wants to be with you - are you doing to say to them "well, you just don't get it, it's really is OK and will be good for you"??

Lena

But Lena its not straightforward even then. Just because the child is crying doesn't mean he is will be happy if mom is home. It could be because the daycare is not good or the babysitter is not nice or just because the child is going through separation anxiety. I would research first and see what could be the issue causing such misery. If it all boils down to the mom needing to stay home, then sure that possibility would be considered. Not just because Jack and Suzy started going to daycare, cried themselves hoarse for the first week and mom left the job to stay home with them.

[Deleted]

Even in the 1950's it wasn't like women were taking kids to Kindermusic and Mommy & Me classes.

I read recently that working moms today do more childcare than the women of yesteryore - something like 16 hours vs. 10. DH and I both had SAHM's and were kicked out of the house in the afternoons so it makes total sense to me.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If your child is crying every day bc he doesn't want to go to day care or babysitter and just wants to be with you - are you doing to say to them "well, you just don't get it, it really is OK and will be good for you"??

No but I am also not going to up and quit my job tomorrow. First thing I'd be doing is sittting down with her teachers to find out what is going on. If I can't get anything from them I'd go to t he director and continue to go up the chain till I get answers.

Depending on what is going on it might require switching caretakers. We'd work something out with MIL until I could find a better one.

Quitting one of our jobs wouldn't be off the table but it isn't the first one I am going to leap to either.


Gwen gets fussy on occassion when I drop her off. I come back to get her she cries because we have to leave!

So should I keep my job or quit it? Which reaction should I pick?

Like you said it isn't a black and white decision.

[Firebird]

to swasat's post.

[whoisjohngalt]

Sometimes it's just that simple - a kid wants to stay home with his parent and there are no deep issues associated with it.

May be I am reading posts all wrong, but this sentiment that "I will do what is best for me and my family" and kid should learn it's not all about him - sound a bit cruel to me. We bring them into the world, but somehow want to them to adopt to our world without blinking an eye.

I don't know..... I don't think I am explaining this well.......so, I'll just stop now......

Lena

[Sum Dum Gai]

If your child is crying every day bc he doesn't want to go to day care or babysitter and just wants to be with you - are you doing to say to them "well, you just don't get it, it really is OK and will be good for you"??

No, I'd probably wonder what the hell is going on at the day care after I leave. That's an abnormal reaction for an emotionally healthy kid. My guess is either the parents have a crap ton of anxiety and baggage about needing daycare, which the kid is picking up on, or the day care is a pit and they need to find a better one. Normal kids don't freak out when they're left in a place full of kids their own age, toys, and nice people.

[whoisjohngalt]

But Lena its not straightforward even then. Just because the child is crying doesn't mean he is will be happy if mom is home. It could be because the daycare is not good or the babysitter is not nice or just because the child is going through separation anxiety. I would research first and see what could be the issue causing such misery. If it all boils down to the mom needing to stay home, then sure that possibility would be considered. Not just because Jack and Suzy started going to daycare, cried themselves hoarse for the first week and mom left the job to stay home with them.

Well, of course I am not suggesting emailing your resignation right than and there. But if a person says "well, I am not good at staying home with you, so let's just find you another DC, etc" - I don't get that. "I" would think that as a parent you should try to get good at it, bc it's YOUR kid and at some point it's OK to put his interest first

Lena

[swasat]

May 16, 2012 14:26:37 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Sometimes it's just that simple - a kid wants to stay home with his parent and there are no deep issues associated with it.

Lena

IMO its also how one perceives it. Similar to when some parents pick up the kid and smother them with kisses the moment the kid bumps into something. Other parents say "Suck it up, buttercup".

[whoisjohngalt]

Normal kids don't freak out when they're left in a place full of kids their own age, toys, and nice people.

Good to know that I am not normal.

BTW, that's EXACTLY what my mother thought, so either you and her are both know everything about everything, or....... there IS a possibility that some kids don't like spending 8 hrs a day in a place full of other kids their own age, with toys that have no interest in playing, with nice people who just want them to play with those kids and toys.

Lena

[Sum Dum Gai]

Well, of course I am not suggesting emailing your resignation right than and there. But if a person says "well, I am not good at staying home with you, so let's just find you another DC, etc" - I don't get that. "I" would think that as a parent you should try to get good at it, bc it's YOUR kid and at some point it's OK to put his interest first

Which interests though? There aren't many families that can afford to have a spouse stay home, and still save much for juniors future college costs. Which is the bigger disservice to the kid; daycare or the parents not helping with college? If the working spouse has to get a second job to let the non working spouse stay home, are they still doing what's in the best interest of the kid? Junior will have mommy around 24/7, but will hardly ever see daddy. Is that doing him a favor, or not?

[Firebird]

May be I am reading posts all wrong, but this sentiment that "I will do what is best for me and my family" and kid should learn it's not all about him - sound a bit cruel to me. We bring them into the world, but somehow want to them to adopt to our world without blinking an eye.

Generally, I fall much more on the side of "your kid is an independent person with thoughts and feelings that should be respected, no matter how young s/he is" than the side of "suck it up buttercup" when it comes to parenting, so I get where you're coming from here. All the same, there ARE things that kids need to learn to deal with at a young age. Disappointment and less than ideal situations would fall into this category.

Assuming they're in a good daycare and being treated well, it's not going to kill them to miss Mommy and Daddy a little during the day. A kid is too young to understand what other considerations might play into the fact that Mommy and Daddy both work, like Drama's benefits dilemma. So yes, sometimes you have to override their preferences.

It might suck a little but the alternative is completely catering to your child's desires (even when they conflict with yours), and I don't want to do that. That's not what life OR family is about, IMO.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Good to know that I am not normal.

Please, you must have known before today.

[whoisjohngalt]

I was talking specifically about a situation where a parent doesn't WANT to stay home, not bc he can't for financial reasons.

[swasat]

May 16, 2012 14:29:58 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

But Lena its not straightforward even then. Just because the child is crying doesn't mean he is will be happy if mom is home. It could be because the daycare is not good or the babysitter is not nice or just because the child is going through separation anxiety. I would research first and see what could be the issue causing such misery. If it all boils down to the mom needing to stay home, then sure that possibility would be considered. Not just because Jack and Suzy started going to daycare, cried themselves hoarse for the first week and mom left the job to stay home with them.

Well, of course I am not suggesting emailing your resignation right than and there. But if a person says "well, I am not good at staying home with you, so let's just find you another DC, etc" - I don't get that. "I" would think that as a parent you should try to get good at it, bc it's YOUR kid and at some point it's OK to put his interest first

Lena

But I DO get that. A child's emotions are not governed solely by one thing. There are lots of factors influencing.

How many times are we unhappy at a certain job? But we find another one and find it wonderful? So if one daycare does not suit them you would leave your job without even trying to find one that might suit the kid, make him happy and lets you keep your job? If you secretly harbor a desire to stay home then of course. But if you don't then why not explore other options?

[Firebird]

I was talking specifically about a situation where a parent doesn't WANT to stay home, not bc he can't for financial reasons.

But adults are under pressures that children can't imagine. Why should their simpler desires override the desires of their parents who (hopefully) have thought through what will work for them and make them the best possible parent?

A kid can't grasp that if Mommy stays at home when she doesn't want to, Mommy won't be as happy. But if that's the case, then it really wouldn't be in the kid's best interest to have Mommy home.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

there IS a possibility that some kids don't like spending 8 hrs a day in a place full of other kids their own age, with toys that have no interest in playing, with nice people who just want them to play with those kids and toys.

Sure there is and I never once said I would not consider it, but I feel it is my duty as the adult to consider ALL sides of the equation.

Like Dark said there are going to be a lot of trade offs if one of us quits our job. DH and I are the only ones capable of deciding which things we are capable/willing to give up.

I don't think it is cruel to make sure we have eliminated everything else before one of us hands in our resignation letter.

[Firebird]

IMO its also how one perceives it. Similar to when some parents pick up the kid and smother them with kisses the moment the kid bumps into something. Other parents say "Suck it up, buttercup".

Haha... I wrote my response before reading this one. Get out of my head, swasat!!