Do you WANT to be a SAHS/P?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It wasn't this weekend, fortunately. However it sucked so bad it's permenately imprinted on my brain. Can't wait till she is potty trained!

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 14, 2012 11:11:20 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

It sucks when you are up to your eyeballs in baby poo and your DH is out of commission because he has his head buried in the toilet.

I was so happy to go back to work on Monday. I needed to get away from both of them before I lost what was left of my sanity.

That sucks Drama. I had a weekend like that a few months back, except I was sick too. Thank God that was a snot filled weekend but not an icky diapers/toilet clutching one.

[happyhoix]

In my fantasy life, DS would have played sweetly, went down for naps nicely, and I would have been a super organized Betty Crocker who would have kept the house spotless, the yard weed-free, the meals expertly cooked, and in my spare time I would have written the great American novel.

However, I know my fantasy life tends to be very unreliable. I am no Martha Stewart. Dealing with kids tends to make me cranky. I would have had to at least part time work, if not on a paying job then as a volunteer with a charity.

Now SAHP for my cats - that I could do, as long as I also had a housekeeper to keep up with the boring bits.

[telephus44]

Haven't read all the posts yet (pulling a FB) but I don't think so. I stayed home for 6 months when DS was born because I got laid off, and I was bored silly. He has autism, which is also hard for me to deal with 24 hours.

I wonder if #2 is easier, if I would mind so much, though. Maybe part-time would be ok. I enjoy being with DS much more now that he's older. Of course, he's also in school not it's not 24/7.

[Firebird]

Haven't read all the posts yet (pulling a FB) but I don't think so.

Hey now

Just kidding.

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

I think I would like being a SAHMS/P BUT.....

it would not be healthy for me or any children I had running around. I am somewhat introverted so work provides a good amount of social interaction without requiring extra commitment. If i was a SAHS, I could certainly see myself getting to the point of not seieng other people OR, even worse, going shopping/out to eat to kill some time and see people. This would get very expensive, very quickly.

Also, I am very big nightowl. I woul end up being up all night, every night and sleeping all day. While this would be perfect for me, any kids I had around would be out of sync with society and I probably wouldn't get much done (It's hard to run errands at 1 AM).

I could see these things leading to depression in a rapid time frame, which would not be good for me or my family. Would it be nice to stay at home all day and hang out? Hell yeah. Unfortunately, I need the structure/socialization that work/school brings to maintain a healthy mental state..

[Works4me]

May 15, 2012 23:39:29 GMT -5 Mardi Gras Audrey said:

Unfortunately, I need the structure/socialization that work/school brings to maintain a healthy mental state..

Thank youfor sharing this as it really helped clarify some things in my mind.

Kudos to you!

[Firebird]

Unfortunately, I need the structure/socialization that work/school brings to maintain a healthy mental state..

Ditto. This is why I can't really see myself working from home efficiently. Although it would be nice if my office were slightly closer. DH is trading his 3+ hour roundtrip commute for a 30 minute roundtrip commute starting next week. I can't tell you how jealous I am.

[sheilaincali]

Unfortunately, I need the structure/socialization that work/school brings to maintain a healthy mental state..

Yup- Count me in with this statement as well. I would have done my son a great disservice had I stayed home with him. I am very much an introvert as is my husband so I know we wouldn't have been as outgoing as daycare was. DS was in an awesome home daycare with 2 other kids his age and two younger kids. They went to story time twice a week and to the local nature center for a program every Friday. He was always on the go with her. He would have missed out on all of that with us. I know it.

[giramomma]

Well, I did want to be the SAHP. DH and I agreed to deciding we wanted to live the SAHP/single income lifestyle before we were engaged.

As it turned out, though DH ended up being the primary caregiver. It's worked out pretty well.

I guess the way I look at it is this: my kids will live to be 80 years old. They will be all mine, for 18 of those, if I'm lucky. Once they are in a serious relationship, I'm extended family. So, for 75% of my kid's life, I'm going to be #3 to last on the priority list. I wanted to make the most of the time I have with my kids while I'm #1.

My kids have an awesome relationship with their dad. MUCH better than what I had with my dad. But, part of that is also due to personalities.

I think we have a nice balance for our family. DH works part time, though his job does not offer the "perks" cited here (mental stimulation, socialization, etc). My oldest child is very family centered, but it's not forced, actually. #1 gets really bent out of shape if he doesn't have peer interactions with friends on the weekends. He also does sleepovers, etc.

I think people become SAHP's because they feel it's best for their families either emotionally or financially. Logically no one ever says "OMG! I can't wait to change the blow out poopy diapers that make me vomit!" or "Yes! I can't wait to deal with the constant tattle-taling when we have more than one. That's what I really prefer to listen to!"

[Firebird]

I could MAYBE see myself doing the SAHM thing if there were a very rigid structure, from which we deviated only with specific reason. If I just woke up with "Okay, what shall we do this morning?" day after day, I imagine neither me nor my kid would have a very stimulating life. But if I knew we had to be at the library by 9:30, the play group by 11:00, the grandparents' house by 3:00, etc., I could MAYBE see it working out.

[Firebird]

I guess the way I look at it is this: my kids will live to be 80 years old. They will be all mine, for 18 of those, if I'm lucky. Once they are in a serious relationship, I'm extended family. So, for 75% of my kid's life, I'm going to be #3 to last on the priority list. I wanted to make the most of the time I have with my kids while I'm #1.

Yeah, that completely makes sense. I'm not saying it's not a trade-off. I'm starting to sense when the pregnancy hormones are screwing with me, because sometimes I get a little upset when I have to leave the cat behind in the morning I know it's going to be at least 100 times harder to leave my son or daughter for 12+ hours a day while I work. And it's true that I won't get those baby years back ever.

Who knows - maybe I'll feel totally different when my sprog arrives on the scene. Maybe I won't want to work anymore. And if that's so, then that's so. It still wouldn't be practical for me to quit immediately, but it's something we could start to work toward if it truly mattered to me. Same with DH.

[raeoflyte]

DH is primary caretaker during the week while I'm at work, and they stick to a routine, even if it's not set in stone.

[Formerly SK]

I guess the way I look at it is this: my kids will live to be 80 years old. They will be all mine, for 18 of those, if I'm lucky. Once they are in a serious relationship, I'm extended family. So, for 75% of my kid's life, I'm going to be #3 to last on the priority list. I wanted to make the most of the time I have with my kids while I'm #1.

Crap you are totally right. I need to appreciate this time more. Thanks for posting.

[CarolinaKat]

I think if I was a SAH anything one day my DBF/DH would come home and find me crying in a closet and refusing to leave, or something else equally as disturbing....

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If I really wanted to I think I would be happy being a SAHM, but I don't want to be one. I think that is where the problem comes in. Look at Kinetic Kid as a prime example of what can happen when you make yourself do something you don't want to do.

That's the awesome thing about living when we do. We have choices and they are "easy" for us compared to our mothers and grandmothers. It would have been the scandal of the century if my grandmother had not married straight out of HS and started having kids.

She told me once if she had the options I do she would have gone on to earn her PhD in archeology and traveled the world instead of settling down and having a family.

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

May 15, 2012 23:57:52 GMT -5 Works4me said:

May 15, 2012 23:39:29 GMT -5 Mardi Gras Audrey said:

Unfortunately, I need the structure/socialization that work/school brings to maintain a healthy mental state..

Thank youfor sharing this as it really helped clarify some things in my mind.

Kudos to you!

Thanks for the kudos, Sarah! It took a lot for me to get to the point where I recognize my own weaknesses (everyone likes to think they are perfect, right? ).

I think that a big part of the problem when having these debates (SAHP vs Daycare) is that people look at it from purely the perspective of the "child". I understand that the child's needs should be first but to truly put their needs first, you have to be realistic about what your family is dealing with. If SAHP is going to be depressed staying home, is introverted (so the child won't get much socialization), or needs constant structure, it isn't going to be in the child's best interest no matter how much you love your children (And yes, those people love their children just as much as people who SAH. They are just wired differently and have different ways of showing that love).

I was fortunate to have a SAHM for my early years who then went back to work. She was very creative, adventurous, and the perfect person to be a child's caregiver. Unfortunately, we don't have the same personality. I am hoping to recruit her for my children (looks like she will be losing her job in the next few years and is in an area with high UE and fierce job competition). I love my future children enough to work and pay to support grandma so that grandma can come and play with them all day. I know that she will do a great job at that (She loves arts/crafts, animals, getting dirty, etc) and doesn't enjoy working as much. For our family, it will be maximizing our collective strengths (Hers as a caregiver, mine as an analytical worker) to ensure that the children have the best foundation they can.

[Deleted]

I think if you are going to be unhappy staying at home then you shouldn't but I don't understand the arguments about structure, interaction or intellectual exercise (unless you are in some highly technical/scientific field). I believe we can create our own structure and opportunities. I'm introverted and not particularly creative so I've had to stretch myself beyond my comfortable boundaries. It's been good for me.

[Firebird]

That's the awesome thing about living when we do. We have choices and they are "easy" for us compared to our mothers and grandmothers. It would have been the scandal of the century if my grandmother had not married straight out of HS and started having kids.

AMEN.

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

Anne, I would compare it to any other job choice. Some people need a job where they follow a checklist and know exactly what they need to do and when. Other people would hate that kind of job and just want to be told what is expected and when it is due (not told how to do it). We need all types of people in this world to be successful but putting a round peg in a square hole is not going to get the job done.

Any good manager knows that you have to get the right people for the right job OR tailor the job to the person. Most people won't push themselves into something they are not comfortable with even if it would be good for their growth. The "manager" (in this case, the family) needs to figure out what roles they have and what are the skills that their "employees" have. If those skills aren't present, sometimes contracting that service out is best for the unit. (Can you tell I'm really analytical?).

It would be like if you are homeschooling and you know that you aren't good at math. Would you try to learn it enough to teach your child or would you go find a math tutor to help them? You want the best for the child so acknowledging that you aren't going to provide the best math teaching and finding a more specialized tutor is probably in everyone's best interest.

[Firebird]

I think that a big part of the problem when having these debates (SAHP vs Daycare) is that people look at it from purely the perspective of the "child". I understand that the child's needs should be first but to truly put their needs first, you have to be realistic about what your family is dealing with.

You deserve more than one karma for this. SO true. I've long believed that having a SAHP is the ideal situation for the child, all other things being equal, but the problem is that they're NOT all equal, and sometimes other factors have to outweigh that. A good example of one of those outweighing factors would be neither parent wanting to stay home.

Forcing yourself to do something "for the good of your child" shouldn't be done more often than absolutely necessary IMO. It tends to lead to resentment, especially if it's a judgment call.

My mom was a fantastic SAHM. It was her true calling in life. I'm thrilled that she's agreed to stay home with Babybird - I can't think of anyone better.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I read a column by a local child expert and he said it si only very very recently that parents, particularly mothers are expected to do EVERYTHING for their child rather than being a separate adult authority figure.

Even in the 1950's it wasn't like women were taking kids to Kindermusic and Mommy & Me classes.

Many women did side jobs at home to make ends meet, lots of low income familes still had two parents working. Stay home parenting when my grandmothers did it is not what stay at home parenting is expected to be today.

I've figured out that what is best for Gwen is what is best for me and for DH( within reason of course) . Happy parents = happy kid. Happy marriage = happy kid.

People can kiss my ass if they think I am a horrid mother because I do not "think of the children!" I AM thinking of Gwen. I am not doing her any favors by centering my life and every single decision I make on her.

She is a factor in every single decision I make and she should be, but she is not the sole deciding factor and her vote does not outweigh mine or DH's.

[swasat]

Just curious: How many posters here who have a SAHP lifestyle now or desire to have once they have kids, also had a SAHP when they were growing up?


I think what we see as a child growing up plays a big impact on how we think.

For e.g. I grew up with two working parents. So did DH. Both our mothers worked full-time, heck DH's mother is a doctor and they successfully raised two boys. We saw successful homes, financially savvy and financially responsible parents. Since neither of us have a desire to be a SAHP the thought of having a SAHP wasn't a question for us.

However a friend of mine grew up with a SAHM. Friend works but is torn by terrible guilt. She feels guilty 24/7 that she is not able to give her kids a SAHP lifestyle. At the same time she doesn't want to give up her job because she is PHD and feels guilty that all her hard work in her career will go waste.

[whoisjohngalt]

Any good manager knows that you have to get the right people for the right job OR tailor the job to the person. Most people won't push themselves into something they are not comfortable with even if it would be good for their growth. The "manager" (in this case, the family) needs to figure out what roles they have and what are the skills that their "employees" have. If those skills aren't present, sometimes contracting that service out is best for the unit. (Can you tell I'm really analytical?).

The difference is that if manager doesn't have the right person for the job, well there are numerous other candidates he can choose from. Do you suggest that a child start shopping around for new parents if the ones that he has are not giving him what HE needs or should a parent find a way to complete the job?

Lena

[whoisjohngalt]

Just curious: How many posters here who have a SAHP lifestyle now or desire to have once they have kids, also had a SAHP when they were growing up?

Both of my parents worked and still do. We lived with my grandmother, who was more than happy to raise me, but my mom thought that I needed to learn to socialize (evidently having a few friends around wasn't enough) and put my in day care type of thing from the time I was 4. Well, I HATED IT.

But that's not the reason AT ALL why I didn't want my kids in daycare.

Lena

[Firebird]

People can kiss my ass if they think I am a horrid mother because I do not "think of the children!"

Firebird DramaQ

[Firebird]

Do you suggest that a child start shopping around for new parents if the ones that he has are not giving him what HE needs or should a parent find a way to complete the job?

I think you missed the point a little bit. The point is that babies need day-to-day care from 9-5. If you don't think that you're the right person for that job, then the best option is to outsource it, because a baby is ultimately going to get the most benefit from being with whomever will take the best care of it. It's too young to have any idea whether that person is Mommy or Daddy or Grandma or Auntie or Joe Schmoe from daycare.

Naturally, they'll notice when they're older - but I think even then, they still benefit from being with the person who is best suited to the job and that might not necessarily be one of their parents.

I'm not saying parents should NEVER take care of their own children, obviously, just suggesting that you don't need to be perfectly cut out for day-to-day care of small kids to be a good parent, and if you think you'd actually be pretty bad at it then it's definitely in your kid's best interest to find someone who wouldn't be.

[Deleted]

both of my parents worked out of necessity. I did harbor some resentment toward my mom for not being there more to see my track meets and such. But then I realized that she did a LOT - she was a band mom (for those that don't know, that is a big time commitment) a Girl Scout troop leader, and made the effort to meet all my friends and get to know their parents. She did all that while working 40+ hours a week.

When DH and I started talking about kids, we both wanted me to be able to SAH or work part-time. The 3 months I was home with DS was enough to convince me that being a SAHM was something I wanted. I would love to be able to work part-time though.

If I had no kids, I'd LOVE to be a SAHW!

[Peace Of Mind]

If I had no kids, I'd LOVE to be a SAHW!

Jen, LOL!! Yeah, If I had kids here I'd still be working.

[telephus44]

I grew up with 2 working parents. My parents didn't use daycare in the sense that we did, but paid my aunt, my grandmother, and a family friend to watch us. I was vaguely aware that my mom missed some things because she worked, but overall it never bothered me. If it was truly important, she was there. DH grew up with 2 working parents who believed that daycare was evil so they worked opposite shifts for years - I can't believe my MIL would work 11pm to 7am and then come home and watch 3 boys, but she did. I'm pretty sure she wasn't taking them on trips to the zoo or spending hours working on handwriting skills, but it was important to her that they were "raised" by their parents.

So yes, I'm sure that this strongly influences my desire not to want to be a SAHP. I'd rather give my family the financial strength of my paycheck, plus I am a lot better off working - I'm introverted, so this gets me out of the house and seeing people, and I'm good at my job so I get a lot of personal satisfaction from doing it.