Taking your husband's last name

[quotequeen]

May 11, 2012 13:04:29 GMT -5 Opti said:

I guess more proof the honeymoon is way over.

Maybe the honeymoon is one of the things he's planning to drop the hammer about.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 12:24:24 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

Well - I'm not a guy but it was pretty important to DH. Not a dealbreaker but a big deal. I know some professional women who seem to use a "working" last name and then use their husband's last name in their private life. Not quite sure how you do that.

I have a friend who kept her ex's last name because she wanted to have the same last name as her son.

I did too, for the exact same reason. Now the children are adults and I want to go back to my maiden name. But since I've been using this name since I was 19, it seems like it would be a huge headache to change it back because this name is on everything.

I can see why an established professional would be hesitant to change her last name when she marries.

Now I have to finish reading the thread. lol

[lynnerself]

I took DH last name 37 years ago. I would not do it if I was young and getting married today. I kind of wish I had hyphenated it. It sounds very British.

[Opti]

May 11, 2012 13:16:07 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"we all wish that too...":::...

Yeah well, let it not be said I can't learn from my past. I'm done being weak.

Being weak isn't the issue. Being wise in your thoughts and choices ... a little closer to the mark.

I feel you are in the camp that would rather be right than happy. Add in lots of beliefs and requirements you aren't willing to budge on its a great way to be less happy than average for your entire life.

[daisylu]

May 11, 2012 13:20:08 GMT -5 daisylu said:

May 11, 2012 12:36:55 GMT -5 swamp said:

My kids know I'm their mommy whether or not we share a last name.

I was unmarried when I had my kids, and they have my maiden name. I have since married and taken my husband's last name.

Does that mean I am not the mom anymore?


ETA: Oh, I see that it makes their dad not their dad.

[Sam_2.0]

My friends chose a new last name when they got married. He didn't think it was fair for her to have to change, and they wanted something that identified them as a new family unit. I guess it works for them.

I took DH's name. Never really a question of whether I would or not. Does not really bother me one way or the other.

[swamp]

May 11, 2012 13:07:37 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Ok, I just went through my emails to see the signature line of all the attorneys I deal with. Teh Brazilian attorneys are very informal...no signature, just their name.

My US attorney is general counsel for our holding company and his signature is

John Smith
General Counsel-North America


hmmm...I guess no one uses esquire...I never paid much attention.

Crap, I just checked my email, and it says"
swamp, esq.
law firm
address

I guess I'm pretentious.

[movingforward]

May 11, 2012 13:16:58 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

May 11, 2012 13:12:41 GMT -5 movingforward said:

Seriously? She had "very expensive requirements." I know there are women like that out there but I honestly can't imagine requiring a certain type of ring. I just don't feel like you should do that to someone you love. Of course, I am also different in that I don't feel the need to be legally bound to another person and I am just fine with living together.

I told DH I didn't want a diamond e-ring. He got me a sapphire with channel set diamonds. I'm the one wearing it. But I grew up with a Mom who loathes her wedding set (but wears it) and refuses to have it remade unless Dad comes along to pick out the new set. He figures he picked out one set and he's done, so he won't. They'll be married 50 years in Oct and this is the longest running argument I'm aware of.

Yeah, but it doesn't sound like you "required" that he spend a certain amount on your ring, etc. I don't see anything wrong with saying I don't want a specific type of ring but to dictate that a man buy an extremely expensive ring IMO is not a good way to start out a marriage.

[daisylu]

DH did not care either way, but if he had called it a dealbreaker then that would have been the dealbreaker for me. I do not take well to being told what to do.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"Whoa! so what I'm hearing is that now that the marriage is signed sealed and legal, down comes the hammer?":::...

I can be strong without being a dick. Notice, I'm not engaging in gender bashing here. I simply said that I wish I had been firmer about something that was really important to me. In the weeks leading up to the wedding (including a wonderful set of comments from the best in the wedding party), its just been apparent that I didn't stand up for things I should have. Going forward, its a mistake I can't make anymore. FWIW, married life is great so far. I've noticed we've both been doing more things for the other, and fights are down.

If I had a "title", I am not sure whether I would correct someone who omitted it. Though I'd suspect that part of the fun of doing so is watching the irritation on others' faces when you correct them.

[Taxman10]

May 11, 2012 13:16:37 GMT -5 @tbird said:

May 11, 2012 13:11:40 GMT -5 Taxman10 said:

it's nice to see there are still some decent women out there who'll submit to their husbands.

gee - does it give you a cheap little thrill every time you make sure everyone knows women are second class citizens to you?

honestly - it's a huge yawnfest It's like talking on and on about how you still believe the earth is flat and the sun revolves around the earth.....and your proud of it.......wow - good for you! here's your brownie button.

Yes, it does actually. I would tell you what happens every time I do it, but J gave me a very stern warning about that yesterday, so I dare not...

[swamp]

If I had a "title", I am not sure whether I would correct someone who omitted it. Though I'd suspect that part of the fun of doing so is watching the irritation on others' faces when you correct them.

There is a school administrator in my area who has doctorate in education. She insists on being called "Dr. Smith" and will emphatically correct anyone who dare call her "Mrs. Smith." People think she's an ass.

[lynnerself]

Maybe a dumb question.
When you didn't take your husbands name, how did they announce you at the end of the ceremony?
You know the "I now present Mr. and Mrs So and So".

[wvugurl26]

I'd want my degrees to match too Alicia. I think that would make that part easier. It'd annoy me to look at them framed, lined up and have them not match.

If the guy really wanted it, I'd think about it. Maybe if he'd do all the paperwork lol. I have cpa licenses in 2 states, am getting another certification this summer, going on business paperwork when its filed with the state and so on.

As brutal as my last background investigation was with one name, I can just imagine the joy of two names.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Ok. I am not sure what that means, your honor.

Dude... really? It's not that hard. The only reason I have the last name I do is because a line of guys going back over a thousand years has had to trust their wife that the kids they had were actually theirs. If even one of those women lied, then I'm not actually related to any of the people that I share a last name with. Get it? At one point in history, we'll say 1474 (just making up a number here), an dude named William Honor, and some chick named Catherine Fletcher might have gotten married. She took his last name, since she was his property now. Later she has a son who they name William Honor II, only the biological father is really some kitchen boy. That kid doesn't have a single shred of DNA in common with his "father" William Honor the first, right? Now here I am several hundred years later being a douche about insisting my wife and kids keep my last name, even though I'm not actually biologically descended from anyone who bore that name.

The whole thing seems more than a touch ridiculous right? If we're going to use last names to track blood descent through the ages, it's only logical to use the mother's name, since she's the only parent that we can be sure was actually one of the biological parents of the kid. That would mean that husbands should take their wife's last name, or keep theirs, but all kids should definitely get the wife's last name.

[swamp]

May 11, 2012 13:35:14 GMT -5 lynnerself said:

Maybe a dumb question.
When you didn't take your husbands name, how did they announce you at the end of the ceremony?
You know the "I now present Mr. and Mrs So and So".

Swamp and Joe.

[andi9899]

May 11, 2012 12:34:59 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

I am too old to change names, not worth the trouble.

I think a young woman who plans to have children should to unite the family under one name.

A woman with professional licenses could keep her career name and use her husband's name for things like joint bank accounts but I can see that being messy so if she is older I would keep the old name and if young go to the trouble of changing it.


My brother married a Mexican last month she told me they don't change their names and have a huge naming convention for marriages and children. She owns a business and has a son so changing her name would be just wrong for her. My brother doesn't seem to mind all his other wives changed names when he married them so all his children have his name.

They don't. And eveyone has 2 last names. So say dad's last name is Smith and Mom's last name is Jones. The kids' last name is then Smith Jones. And they usually don't have middle names.

Sorry, I fixed it. I somehow managed to throw my response in with what I was quoting.

[Deleted]

Genetics do not make a father a father.

[muttleynfelix]

DH asked that I took his last name. Since I was young and only had my degree in my name, I agreed without a fuss. Afterwards, I was glad I had. If someone had mistakenly used my maiden name with DH's first name, well that is the name my dad goes by (he goes by a shortened version of his middle name and his middle name and my DH's first name are the same). So, that would have been kind of weird. I have 2 friends who got married last year and one took her DH's and one didn't. They both get crap from different people.

My SIL was married for almost 25 years and had her DH's name. She kept it for a couple years after the divorce, but she finally got sick of his BS and decided she needed a more defined break between them (they live on the same street and he is remarried) and changed it back to her maiden name despite the fact that all of her degrees (including her newly minted PhD was in her married name). Her daughter wants to change it to her mom's maiden name and may once she turns 18 or go hyphenated or something. She wants a break from her dad too.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 13:36:43 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Ok. I am not sure what that means, your honor.

Dude... really? It's not that hard. The only reason I have the last name I do is because a line of guys going back over a thousand years has had to trust their wife that the kids they had were actually theirs. If even one of those women lied, then I'm not actually related to any of the people that I share a last name with. Get it? At one point in history, we'll say 1474 (just making up a number here), an dude named William Honor, and some chick named Catherine Fletcher might have gotten married. She took his last name, since she was his property now. Later she has a son who they name William Honor II, only the biological father is really some kitchen boy. That kid doesn't have a single shred of DNA in common with his "father" William Honor the first, right? Now here I am several hundred years later being a douche about insisting my wife and kids keep my last name, even though I'm not actually biologically descended from anyone who bore that name.

The whole thing seems more than a touch ridiculous right? If we're going to use last names to track blood descent through the ages, it's only logical to use the mother's name, since she's the only parent that we can be sure was actually one of the biological parents of the kid. That would mean that husbands should take their wife's last name, or keep theirs, but all kids should definitely get the wife's last name.

It is 2012. If you know the grave site of this 1400's relative, dig them up and DNA test.

[Cookies Galore]

When and if decided to get married, Bf already knows Im not changing my last name. There's no compelling reason to do it, so why mess with 30 years of perfection?

When friends of ours got married, the dj introduced them as Mr. and Mrs. her maiden name. It's funny 'cause she's the boss.

[movingforward]

May 11, 2012 13:32:34 GMT -5 swamp said:

If I had a "title", I am not sure whether I would correct someone who omitted it. Though I'd suspect that part of the fun of doing so is watching the irritation on others' faces when you correct them.

There is a school administrator in my area who has doctorate in education. She insists on being called "Dr. Smith" and will emphatically correct anyone who dare call her "Mrs. Smith." People think she's an ass.

I work around a lot of people who have titles and most of them could care less if you refer to them by their title or not and typically if you do use their title they will say call me "first name." The ones who get upset if you don't refer to them by their title typically ARE complete asses. They usually complain about the stupidest shit. We had one complain at our annual conference once that the salt shaker on the table during the luncheon was too full. You have got to be freaking kidding me! That is what you found to complain about!

[Sum Dum Gai]

Genetics do not make a father a father.

They did back in the day. A bastard couldn't inherit property.

[Cookies Galore]

Thinking about it, among my group of friends it's actually rare for the woman to change last names.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 13:40:37 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Genetics do not make a father a father.

They did back in the day. A bastard couldn't inherit property.

Which proves genetics didn't matter.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 11, 2012 13:27:42 GMT -5 movingforward said:

May 11, 2012 13:16:58 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

I told DH I didn't want a diamond e-ring. He got me a sapphire with channel set diamonds. I'm the one wearing it. But I grew up with a Mom who loathes her wedding set (but wears it) and refuses to have it remade unless Dad comes along to pick out the new set. He figures he picked out one set and he's done, so he won't. They'll be married 50 years in Oct and this is the longest running argument I'm aware of.

Yeah, but it doesn't sound like you "required" that he spend a certain amount on your ring, etc. I don't see anything wrong with saying I don't want a specific type of ring but to dictate that a man buy an extremely expensive ring IMO is not a good way to start out a marriage.

I did pick out and demand my wedding band. But it was a whopping $70 for a plain gold band.

No but wasn't going to be stuck wearing a big diamond either. So yes, I have ring requirements. DH had no issues with either request, if that matters.

[daisylu]

I heve several cousins who have 2 middle names, so it occurred to me when I was filling out the name change for SS that I could keep me maiden name as a second middle name - it is still part of my name, but no hyphen. That saved me the hassle of changing EVERYTHING at once. After 3 years, I am still using CCs with my maiden name.

[midjd]

I guess I'm pretentious.

Nah. It's mostly when the straight-out-of-law-school kids use Esq. that it's pretentious.

[Taxman10]

May 11, 2012 13:37:05 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 11, 2012 13:35:14 GMT -5 lynnerself said:

Maybe a dumb question.
When you didn't take your husbands name, how did they announce you at the end of the ceremony?
You know the "I now present Mr. and Mrs So and So".

Swamp and Joe.

Does this mean we're getting married???

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 13:41:31 GMT -5 midjd said:

I guess I'm pretentious.

Nah. It's mostly when the straight-out-of-law-school kids use Esq. that it's pretentious.

No, It is pretentious. Swamp wants to make sure all the people she emails about wiring money to her because she is lost in London, know that she is better than them.