Taking your husband's last name

[swamp]

I really regret not making that big expensive ring entirely conditional on her taking my last name

That's kinda douchey.

[raeoflyte]

I did run into a tiny issue last night. I dropped ds off at the gym nursery. Didn't write down his last name, only mine and the gal couldn't find his form to check allergies.

No big--I'll remember to add his going forward, and soon he'll be able to say his last name anyway.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Damn, I had c-sections. I'm not their mommy, afterall.

Why because when they cut you open to pull your kids out it left some doubt in your mind about who the mother was?

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 12:41:12 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

The whole idea of having the woman take the male's last name is ridiculous anyway. A man can never be completely sure that he's the father of the children, so it would make more sense for the husband to take the wife's name and pass that on to the kids. She may not even know who the father is, but when a baby comes out of your own vagina you can be pretty damn sure you're the mother.

ETA - I realize that now we have paternity testing and whatnot. However, my last name is over a thousand years old. If even one woman cheated on her husband during that time to give birth to one of my ancestors then I don't have any "Honor" blood in me anyway. The odds of that are probably fairly decent. So, I'd be quibbling about a last name that I technically have no claim to whatsoever. People be crazy.

And this post proves that you are one of the crazies.

[aliciar6]

May 11, 2012 12:44:58 GMT -5 greenstone said:

May 11, 2012 12:37:36 GMT -5 The J said:

Also, I think being announced as "Mr. and Dr." (or "Dr. and Mrs.") at the wedding is pretentious.

I am glad I'm not the only one. It's her wedding but flaunting her professional credentials is tacky.

Dr is a professional title not a social one. I think it is pretentious even for MDs and dentists to use it socially although it is the norm.

And to answer the question, changing my name at this point would be a major PITA. I would probably use his name socially for convenience.

i feel and agree with her that she earned it and if she wants to be refered to that in situations of her choosing, then that's fine. when addressing envelopes my uncle is a Dr as well and i follow ettiquete when doing the formal thing. like also when you invite military members, the address is their rank and Mrs or Mr and "rank"

[Wisconsin Beth]

This has come up at work a couple of times. My boss stated that when he got married about 25 years ago, he requested that his wife NOT hyphenate. He didn't care whose name she had but he thought hyphenating was a bad idea that would lead to lots of incorrect paperwork. Keep in mind this the late 80s in the Midwest. Yep, she hyphenated and had nothing but paperwork issues (apparently still does.)

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

but if it's important to one not to change their name, and important for the other for them to change it - then what?

Flip a coin?

[pinkbow832]

I'm getting married this fall and won't be changing my name. DF is totally cool with it and said he wouldn't want anyone asking him to change his name, so he understands why I wouldn't want to. I actually had a coworker ask me a few weeks ago why I was even bothering to get married if I wasn't going to change my name and didn't think I wanted to have kids. That was an interesting conversation.

If someone gave me a ring on the condition that I change my name to get engaged, I would probably tell them that I hoped the jewelry store has a good return policy, after they fished the damn thing out of their colon.

[The J]

May 11, 2012 12:49:54 GMT -5 aliciar6 said:

i feel and agree with her that she earned it and if she wants to be refered to that in situations of her choosing, then that's fine.

That doesn't make it less pretentious. I earned my title too. I would be pretentious if I made everyone address me as Mr. The J, Esq.

[swamp]

May 11, 2012 12:48:32 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Damn, I had c-sections. I'm not their mommy, afterall.

Why because when they cut you open to pull your kids out it left some doubt in your mind about who the mother was?

No, because you said that the baby had to come out of my vagina for me to be sure i'm the mom.

[Miss Tequila]

I can't say it was a deal breaker but my husband and I fought over me taking his last name. We then agreed on me hyphenating my name so his was included....let me tell you, after a few months of signing eveyrthing Tina Drunken-Tequila I got annoyed and just took his name. now that I have kids I am happy that I took his name. For me, I just like having the same last name as my children.

[Sum Dum Gai]

like also when you invite military members, the address is their rank and Mrs or Mr and "rank"

Really? Weird. I served for a few years, I wasn't like knighted or something. Mr. Honor would have been fine.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I've never had any problems with a hypenated name. Only time we had an issue is when DH forgot to tell the tax accountant I had hypenated. I got booted out of the system because my SSN didn't match up. A phone call from the tax preparer cleared it up and I've never had a problem since.

[The Captain]

When the DH and I were getting married I made some noise about keeping my maiden name (I was established professionally and so on, plus my name is easier to pronounce)...

My grandfather, a staunch old German conservative cabinet maker, made me a bridal shower present for my desk...it was a business card holder with my first name and my husband's last name...

I was so beautiful I didn't have the heart to not use it, so (with some additional negotiation) I took my husband's last name. It did take me over 10 years to switch out the last credit card to his name though...

[Deleted]

Unless my brother has a kid, my family's name will die with our generation. Considering it is a butchered version given to an ancestor when he got off the boat, we aren't all that broken up about it.

[swamp]

May 11, 2012 12:50:52 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

This has come up at work a couple of times. My boss stated that when he got married about 25 years ago, he requested that his wife NOT hyphenate. He didn't care whose name she had but he thought hyphenating was a bad idea that would lead to lots of incorrect paperwork. Keep in mind this the late 80s in the Midwest. Yep, she hyphenated and had nothing but paperwork issues (apparently still does.)

I didn't change my name and still have paperwork issues because there are some people who cannot wrap their heads around the fact I didnt' change my name and call me Mrs. "Black" anyway. I don't care if you call me by DH's last name, but it's not my name and the pharmacy/doctor/accountant/whatever isn't going to find my records under B.

[kindthatjingles]

Took it..Gladly went back 10 years later.

I don't plan on getting married again but if hell froze over and I did I would keep my name.

My kids have their Dad's name, when they asked me why I no longer do, to explain it in young kid terms I said if a girl is not married she has the same last name as her Dad.

When they talk or we are asked we say we are the blank - blank family or the names work smooshed together

They haven't missed a beat. Schools are so used to the different name thing it doesn't faze them.

[Sum Dum Gai]

No, because you said that the baby had to come out of my vagina for me to be sure i'm the mom.

I didn't say it had to, I said if it did you can be pretty sure you're the mom. Same for having the little parasite growing in your belly for nine months, or having somebody cut the thing out of you. The only way your husband knows that it's actually his is DNA testing, and prior to that the "father" could never really be sure.

[midjd]

I really regret not making that big expensive ring entirely conditional on her taking my last name. Its not looking likely that DW will take my name, and though I do love her and can "deal" with it (the same way I deal with paying taxes and doing chores), I will never pretend to be satisfied with her decision.

Mind sharing why? I'm genuinely curious. I'm on the "don't understand why it's a big deal" boat, but then, I'm not a guy...

It wasn't a dealbreaker for DH, but he did want me to take his last name. He never could explain why, other than that "his family would think it was weird if I didn't take it." I didn't care either way (and I have no warm feelings toward my father, so I didn't mind getting rid of "his" name) so I took it. Not worth a fight, but I never did understand the big deal

It helped that our wedding was the day after I was admitted to the bar, so I was never an attorney as MidJD Maiden-name, just MidJD Married-name... if I had an extensive career as MidJD Maiden-name, I would have probably hyphenated.

[swamp]

May 11, 2012 12:52:08 GMT -5 The J said:

May 11, 2012 12:49:54 GMT -5 aliciar6 said:

i feel and agree with her that she earned it and if she wants to be refered to that in situations of her choosing, then that's fine.

That doesn't make it less pretentious. I earned my title too. I would be pretentious if I made everyone address me as Mr. The J, Esq.

Can we call you Dr. J, then, since you have a doctorate?

[Deleted]

Since branding these days is considered abuse, how else would I show ownership?

[movingforward]

May 11, 2012 12:41:31 GMT -5 @tbird said:

May 11, 2012 12:39:23 GMT -5 movingforward said:

This is one of the reasons I prefer to stay single.... just don't want to deal with this type of nonsense.

wow - that's unreal. and sad.

What you talkin' bout Willis? Why is it sad that I don't feel like I need to be married?

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 12:55:50 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

No, because you said that the baby had to come out of my vagina for me to be sure i'm the mom.

I didn't say it had to, I said if it did you can be pretty sure you're the mom. Same for having the little parasite growing in your belly for nine months, or having somebody cut the thing out of you. The only way your husband knows that it's actually his is DNA testing, and prior to that the "father" could never really be sure.

Genetics don't make a father a father.

[swamp]

He never could explain why, other than that "his family would think it was weird if I didn't take it."

DH's family thinks it's weird, but I don't really care what they think. I married DH, not them.

[alabamagal]

I didn't change my name when I got married 25 years ago. Never been a problem. My name is actually somewhat hard to pronounce and spell and DH is more common. But I had (and still have) issues with his family.

Also my first name + DH last name always reminds me of a 1970s porn star

My middle name + DH last name is a famous advice columnist

The only time it is a minor issue is the my MIL believes that my last name is actually DH last name and I am just pretending. So when she used to send me a $20 check for my birthday, she would make it out to my first name + DH last name. I would just take it to the bank and put it in our joint account and tell them it was my MIL and they would understand.

Kids have DH last name.

[midjd]

That doesn't make it less pretentious. I earned my title too. I would be pretentious if I made everyone address me as Mr. The J, Esq.

Ugh, I roll my eyes every time I get an email with "Attorney Name, Esq." in the signature line...

[aliciar6]

May 11, 2012 12:52:57 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

like also when you invite military members, the address is their rank and Mrs or Mr and "rank"

Really? Weird. I served for a few years, I wasn't like knighted or something. Mr. Honor would have been fine.

i googled how to properly address formal invitations (for our wedding) and that is what came up

[Miss Tequila]

Georgia!lol

[Sum Dum Gai]

Genetics don't make a father a father.

But genetics do make me an Honor. If my father was really the pool boy, then I'm not an Honor, even though I was raised by one.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"That's kinda douchey.":::...

Call it what you want. The women I've watched or heard second hand argue typically employed a combination of "modern women keep their names", "its slavery/ownership to take your name", "its a pain in the ass to change", and "why don't YOU take MY name".

The best response a guy can give: "well, then marry someone who agrees with you". I wish I'd done that.