Taking your husband's last name

[Opti]

FB, I think everyone has to go with what works for them for their own reasons.

It is always an interesting subject, in part due to what one poster brought up. What if you change your last name to a new cool last name and circumstances change? It becomes very clear that as a woman who changed her last name, its rented, not owned. People in your life will probably want you to change it even if you don't remarry possibly because he did. I think a few empathetic men might get why the name change thing could be a big deal but many have never questioned their right to keep their given name their entire life nor the desire that their wife and children would share his last name.

[Firebird]

So I have a friend who married young, divorced, and remarried a few years ago. So she's gone through three name changes - original name to Mrs. #1, Mrs. #1 back to original name, and original name to Mrs. #2.

She just saw it as a matter of maintaining her current identity.

I agree that everyone has to do what works for them, but I disagree with not changing your name on the possibility that you'll get divorced one day. If that was your only reason for not wanting to change it (and I haven't read the thread yet so I'm not talking to anyone in particular), I'd say that was a bad sign.

[Firebird]

People in your life will probably want you to change it even if you don't remarry possibly because he did.

I have no intention of returning to my maiden name, even if something ever happened to DH or we got divorced. But I'm probably a bit unusual in this respect. I've known DH's family all my life and I feel a connection to them which is as strong as the one I have to my own extended family. Taking his name felt natural - I was already part of his family, and still would be if we split up someday.

But I do realize that's not the case for everyone.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 14, 2012 11:23:48 GMT -5 Firebird said:

People in your life will probably want you to change it even if you don't remarry possibly because he did.

I have no intention of returning to my maiden name, even if something ever happened to DH or we got divorced. But I'm probably a bit unusual in this respect. I've known DH's family all my life and I feel a connection to them which is as strong as the one I have to my own extended family. Taking his name felt natural - I was already part of his family, and still would be if we split up someday.

But I do realize that's not the case for everyone.

If DH and I divorced, I don't know what I do about a last name. It would probably depend on how pissed I was at the time of the finalization and why we're divorcing.

[Opti]

FB Agreed. Like I said everyone has to decide for them. I just get annoyed at those who think there is one right way to do something. While it isn't a great sign, the fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce not death is an OK argument against changing one's last name for me. Maybe I've talked to the wrong people but I haven't seen a case yet were the guy decides not to run off with the new woman because his current wife changed her last name to his. I'm not traditional so to me its not much of a warning sign and not the warning sign it might be if only 10% of marriages or less ended in divorce.

[wvugurl26]

If I wanted kids I might do it. Honestly at this point its just the fact that it is a huge hassle for me. Besides drivers license, social security, bank accounts, debit cards, credit cards, and work stuff I'd have to change 3 professional licenses and the corresponding associations and business paperwork. I know work stuff would be a huge hassle. And I'd have another credit card to change.

If I'd gotten married before I was into my career it would have been much easier and I wouldn't have had many objections. I had an accounting professor tell the girls to keep their names that it made life easier. Guy was in his 60s too so sort of odd for someone older.

[aliciar6]

May 14, 2012 11:21:29 GMT -5 Firebird said:

So I have a friend who married young, divorced, and remarried a few years ago. So she's gone through three name changes - original name to Mrs. #1, Mrs. #1 back to original name, and original name to Mrs. #2.

i have had to do that, did the marriage thing, did the name change (minus work email and DL) got divorced, changed everything back (including passport), now in AUG getting married and will have to change EVERYTHING this time...including work email and DL.

i had just over a year to enjoy having my maiden name back but i like how my name sounds with his.

i just think most of the reasons I hear are stupid, like perception "what will ___ think" well I don't care what they think, if I'm your wife, it should matter more what I think than what other people think, it's our relationship, not theirs. I think that reason (perception) annoys me the most.

[Cookies Galore]

May 14, 2012 5:54:39 GMT -5 aliciar6 said:

May 13, 2012 7:59:20 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Bravo to all of you who don't make excuses, and take an "if you are in the mood, I can get there" approach. I'm wrong to say almost all women hate sex, but can't we at least agree that there are some who overuse "not tonight dear" a bit too much?

i have yet to say "not tonight" once to FI, the one and only time i turned him down i had a migraine that made me throw up out the truck door...it was after work and we couldn't wait until we got home, and i gave it a try but the migraine got the best of me.

it's usually him that will overeat at dinner and be too full, so I'll get the "My stomach is not cooperating excuese" but in a year I'd say 340 out of 365 days we have had sex. so we are not all fridgid.

I HATED sex with XH, he was selfish in bed, had few attractive qualities, it was painful, he didn't care what i liked, and i really didn't like him (wonder why we divorced) so I avoided him as much as possible. i still wanted sex, just not with him

Totally agree. I've turned Bf down because of intestinal rot gut (why do you want sex after i come out of the bathroom holding my stomach with a pained expression on my face?!), but I will always makeout with him and promise to do it soon. And i do. The only time I've avoided sex was when i knew the relationship was dead. A friend of mine broke up with her Bf of three years last year and she did she should have known it was over when she started avoiding sex. Unless there is a physiological issue, most women, not all, avoid sex toward the end of a relationship.

[Deleted]

ruh-roh

[greenstone]

May 14, 2012 11:38:37 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

If I wanted kids I might do it. Honestly at this point its just the fact that it is a huge hassle for me. Besides drivers license, social security, bank accounts, debit cards, credit cards, and work stuff I'd have to change 3 professional licenses and the corresponding associations and business paperwork. I know work stuff would be a huge hassle. And I'd have another credit card to change.

If I'd gotten married before I was into my career it would have been much easier and I wouldn't have had many objections. I had an accounting professor tell the girls to keep their names that it made life easier. Guy was in his 60s too so sort of odd for someone older.

I have a friend at work who is still struggling to change to her married name with our different benefit providers over a year and a half later. There is always some small hiccup causing them to want another piece of documentation. I don't have that kind of patience.

[wvugurl26]

My work people suck at everything related to HR. Suck so bad we fired them for everything but payroll. They process it and then they send it to the entity who actually pays me. All other HR functions go through an internal group. Besides all the insurance, 401k, pension and so on at work I'd need a new credit card, new id badge and new credentials. And I'd have to change it in the travel system so my plane tickets have correct name.

A coworker is still having trouble with her name change on the cpa license and one of my licenses is in her state.

All in all a huge pain in the ass. It'd have to be really, really important to the guy for me to consider it.

[greenstone]

May 14, 2012 12:19:14 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

All in all a huge pain in the ass. It'd have to be really, really important to the guy for me to consider it.

Exactly. If I were to get married I would want to use my husband's name but I don't want to go through the hassle of a legal name change. I hope he would be cool with that and not feel rejected because it was 'official'.

If you are already established in your adult life under one name, there will be confusion of one kind or another when you change it. I would rather the confusion be with people I seldom see or deal with, than with nameless entities because one legal document has one name and another document has another name and f-ing up my financial life. Even if I used his name at work informally but published under my name, it won't be too big of a deal, other women do it to some extent and we all get by. I don't use my given first name at work but all my HR paperwork is under that name and I don't have issues.

I like to keep my options open with as little personal hassle.

[Firebird]

May 11, 2012 12:43:46 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I'm not sure why there's such rabid feelings on either side of the debate. It's just a name. If it's not important to one person and important to the other, IMO you should follow the person who thinks it's important.

Agreed. I thought it would be nice for both me and DH to change our names to his mom's family name (which is currently his middle name - so instead of being Joe Jackson James, he'd be Joe James Jackson). He didn't want to; he preferred me to take his last name instead. So I did.

But who wins if it's really important to both parties? That's the tricky bit.

[Firebird]

I really regret not making that big expensive ring entirely conditional on her taking my last name. Its not looking likely that DW will take my name, and though I do love her and can "deal" with it (the same way I deal with paying taxes and doing chores), I will never pretend to be satisfied with her decision.

Why was it such a big deal to you, though? What about her taking your name was more satisfactory than her not taking your name? As Dark said, she belongs to you either way.

I guess I just don't understand why having someone else change their name is of hill-dying importance to some men. I can understand why it would be convenient/easy but why is it such a personal issue?

It helped that our wedding was the day after I was admitted to the bar, so I was never an attorney as MidJD Maiden-name, just MidJD Married-name... if I had an extensive career as MidJD Maiden-name, I would have probably hyphenated.

That's an interesting issue - now you have an entire legal career behind you as MidJD Married-name. If you and DH ever split (or he died and you got remarried), would you stick with your married name since professionally it's how everyone knows you?

[Deleted]

My wife kept her last name and I kept mine with the understanding that our kids will have my last name.

We've never had an issue with it besides people asking: are you guys married? After we told them we were and the obvious wedding bands but it's like all that goes thru the window once they see we have different last names.

When we applied for a mortgage and the loan officer wanted us to fax over a copy of our marriage certificate when he already had 2 years of income tax filling which state that we were married filling jointly.

The people that know me professionally address her as Mrs. X (my last name) people that know her professionally address me as Mr. Y (her last name). Doesn't bother us.

All invitations we get (weddings, baby showers etc) are addressed to Mr. and Mrs X or Y not Mr. X and Mrs. Y.

[Sum Dum Gai]

I'm kind of curios about the hyphenated name thing for professional women. It seems like a good compromise for now, but what named do you give your daughters? The same hyphenated name? When they grow up and get married do they replace one side of the hyphenated name with their husband's last name, or add another hyphen and go to three last names? That second option will obviously get cumbersome as hell within a few generations.

[Firebird]

But I know thats how it goes. When are you going to get engaged -> When are you going to get married -> Are you taking his name -> When are you having a baby -> When are you having another baby -> When are you going to get grandchildren -> ...

I must be weird, because I don't mind being asked any of these questions

If I don't want to answer something, I don't. But it's okay with me if people ask. Mind you, knowing that some people find it annoying, I never ask anyone else these questions anymore unless the conversation seems to suggest one of them.

[Firebird]

That second option will obviously get cumbersome as hell within a few generations.



That's why I'm a fan of a single last name - whichever one it is.

If this is a huge issue between couples, I think both parties should change their name. And not necessarily to either party's current last name. You can pick an older family name you both like, or a new name entirely. Hell, you're starting a new family anyway.

[Sum Dum Gai]

When we apples for a mortgage and the loan officer wanting us to fax over a copy of our marriage certificate when he already had 2 years of income tax filling which state that Webster married filling jointly.

We had to provide that too and we'd been married for almost 10 years at that point. It might not have had anything to do with your differing last names, mortgage underwriters just like having a bazillion documents.

[Firebird]

FWIW, married life is great so far. I've noticed we've both been doing more things for the other, and fights are down.



Karma. I'm glad things have been good for you guys.

[Firebird]

If we're going to use last names to track blood descent through the ages, it's only logical to use the mother's name, since she's the only parent that we can be sure was actually one of the biological parents of the kid. That would mean that husbands should take their wife's last name, or keep theirs, but all kids should definitely get the wife's last name.

Well, actually, that kind of solves the mystery don't you think?

If you couldn't know for sure that you were the father back in the day, then making sure the kid at least had your name was the only way to completely ensure that s/he was connected to you as the father.

So if the kitchen boy in your example really WAS the father and the kid was named for the mother, after the kitchen affair came to light, the kid would have neither legal nor biological ties to the father. Giving the kid the name ensured at least a legal tie to the proper father no matter what.

[Firebird]

May 11, 2012 14:51:33 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

...:::"so you'd think that the men REQUIRING their wives to jump through these hoops would at least have one plausible reason, other than "My family will think you're weird" or "because it's traditional"... ":::...

As I said, "its important to me" wasn't apparently good enough, because there needed to be a reason WHY it was important enough.

Please list for me, the reasons which you would accept in order to change your name.

"Because it's important to me" was, in fact, a good enough reason for me to change my name. But remember, I didn't have strong feelings about it either way. I feel just as connected to DH's family as my own, so taking his name felt natural and I definitely wanted all of us to have the same name.

If I'd had a compelling reason to want to keep my own name, that would have been just as valid as DH wanting me to take his. So who wins the "it's important to me because it's important to me" contest in that case?

[Sum Dum Gai]

So if the kitchen boy in your example really WAS the father and the kid was named for the mother, after the kitchen affair came to light, the kid would have neither legal nor biological ties to the father. Giving the kid the name ensured at least a legal tie to the proper father no matter what.

Uh.... proper father? The proper father is some kitchen boy. I ain't raising some other guys bastard children. After the affair came to light I'd divorce her lying ass and throw the lot of them out on the street.

[Firebird]

Does that mean your DH doesn't have to earn a salary you can't earn? Doesn't have to do chores you won't do (seriously, why won't SOME [not all] wives not take out the garbage)?

;D WIN!!!!

More karma for you as soon as I regenerate.

[Firebird]

Uh.... proper father? The proper father is some kitchen boy. I ain't raising some other guys bastard children. After the affair came to light I'd divorce her lying ass and throw the lot of them out on the street.

Oh sure. That totally fits with everything else I know about you. Screw the kids.

Divorce her lying ass, sure, but I have a feeling you'd still want the kids. You'd still be their father - biology wouldn't change that.

[Firebird]

May 11, 2012 15:45:50 GMT -5 midjd said:

I'm starting to think I missed a good opportunity... I changed my name AND bought my own engagement ring. I just don't have much of an extortionist in me. At least DH cooks, I guess...

Me too! I think we married the same man, I'm going to have to start asking some tough questions about DH's frequent trips to the Midwest.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Divorce her lying ass, sure, but I have a feeling you'd still want the kids. You'd still be their father - biology wouldn't change that.

I don't know, that'd be a hell of a pill to swallow.

[Firebird]

But there ARE YM approved ultimatums aren't there? "I won't marry you until you clean up that CC debt". "I won't marry you until you have held down a job" or something similar. If the topic at hand is that ultimatums are controlling, then all ultimatums should be off the table.

Ultimatums ARE controlling but I don't think they're never, ever unwarranted. If you're going to employ one, you better make sure it's worth it and be prepared to stand by it.

There's a very, very short list of topics (I can count them on one hand) over which I would either divorce or separate from DH. So were we to ever be in the unfortunate position of dealing with one of them, an ultimatum might well be in order. But if I'm going to say, "I'm leaving and I'm never coming back until you stop doing crack cocaine" I better be prepared to stand by it. And I would be.

[Firebird]

May 14, 2012 14:20:08 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Divorce her lying ass, sure, but I have a feeling you'd still want the kids. You'd still be their father - biology wouldn't change that.

I don't know, that'd be a hell of a pill to swallow.

But it's not the kid's fault that his/her mom is a lying whore. They'd still know you as their father. That wouldn't change. Would it really change the way you looked at them, do you think?

[aliciar6]

May 14, 2012 13:37:55 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

I'm kind of curios about the hyphenated name thing for professional women. It seems like a good compromise for now, but what named do you give your daughters? The same hyphenated name? When they grow up and get married do they replace one side of the hyphenated name with their husband's last name, or add another hyphen and go to three last names? That second option will obviously get cumbersome as hell within a few generations.

if i were to hyphenate, my kids would have his name, boy or girl.

i only hyphenated professionally, legally my name was changed for my first marriage. i never managed in 4 years to make it to the MVC to change my DL, mainly because i liked the picture on my DL and didn't want to change it. and I hated the Nj MVC, it's like they WANT to make it a totally unpleasant experience for you