Taking your husband's last name

[Deleted]

Yes we did because WWBG insists that women are frigid and don't like sex.

[Deleted]

;D

[Deleted]

I'd brag on that too.

(Now that we're on the subject, ImAnAngel... does DH have a brother?)

[Deleted]

May 12, 2012 18:13:34 GMT -5 @craftysarah said:

I'd brag on that too.

(Now that we're on the subject, ImAnAngel... does DH have a brother?)

Yes he does but he is a total ass....and married to a whackadoodle!

[Deleted]

You're my girl, Angel.

[Deleted]

[wvugurl26]

May 12, 2012 18:09:07 GMT -5 @angel33 said:

Yes we did because WWBG insists that women are frigid and don't like sex.

I told him I'd prove it lol.

I wish there was another Goose!

[Deleted]

I changed my last name twice, each time I married. In retrospect I really regret it. Not taking your husband's name wasn't really an option 30 years ago when I first married.

My ex left when my three kids (at the time) were very little. A very close friend who had taken back her maiden name told me not to change my name back, because people would look up my kids' last name for playdates and not find them. I know this sounds crazy today, but in those days that was the case, you couldn't get double listings in the white pages.

So I kept my married name, Mrs A. My ex did NOT agree, too bad. The law here is either your ex must agree for you to keep your name after divorce, unless you're a doctor or journalist. I was a journalist, that was my byline, so I kept the name because it was the same last name as my three kids, and also for professional reasons.

Then DH comes along ... and people start calling him Mr A, even though he's Mr Z. That REALLY bugged him, being called my ex's name. He would not have cared if I had kept my maiden name, but he hated that I (we!) was/were being called by my ex's name. So as soon as we married, I became Mrs Z. It took me MONTHS to change all the paperwork. The US embassy thought I was frauding, I had to take a half-day off work to show up in person to get a new passport.

In retrospect I wish I had just kept my maiden name.

I'm convinced that if MEN had to change THEIR names when THEY married, I'm sure you'd be able to do it EVERYWHERE, online, in 15 min or less.

[Deleted]

Message deleted by debthaven2.

[Miss Tequila]

May 12, 2012 15:19:24 GMT -5 @craftysarah said:

Well, in 33 years, I think the only person I have ever insisted call me "Ms. Crafty" was a sleazy mortgage broker who kept calling me darlin' but I'm not sure where your perception comes from that social and professional titles are somehow different.

It would never occur to me to address an envelope to someone with an MD, DO, DDS, DVM, EdD, PhD or whatever with "Mr." or "Ms."

Really? I guess I'm not that hung up on titles because it would never occur to me that one of my friends would get so bent out of shape if I addressed their envelope as Mr/Ms. instead of doctor...that really does seem pretentious to me. Much like if I addressed an envelope to swamp I certainly wouldn't call her Attorney Swamp...I find it silly.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I read that some woman started a site (something like "Miss to Mrs") which aggregates the forms needed to do the name change. She then did the same thing for divorce forms.

And just because a man is assertive, does not translate to him being "your boss all the time". Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, and someone like me who failed to do this for so long has a LOT of ground to make up for.

For example, DW is very bad with punctuality, and we often leave late because of it. She tries, and she can be on time, but she is just one of those "is leaving the house at the time she was supposed to be there" people. Its a constant source of frustration... I pick my battles as best as I can, but sometimes when I am the one facing walking in late and giving that sheepish pathetic "so sorry... there was traffic" apology, I don't have any good options. So far, I've avoided doing what WCPaul did to his wife about church, but quite frankly, I know that is the only cure.

Either that, or I saw a really cool, fully loaded black 2008 135i with 38,000 miles for $29k at carmax. It'd be horrible for my budget and for the environment for 2 people to take separate cars to the same place within 20 minutes of each other, but hell... if I want to be on time and she wants to be late, there are only so many variables to tweak!

Bravo to all of you who don't make excuses, and take an "if you are in the mood, I can get there" approach. I'm wrong to say almost all women hate sex, but can't we at least agree that there are some who overuse "not tonight dear" a bit too much?

And yes swamp... not so much the first, but as I've told you, darn well the 2nd.

[Deleted]

Well, maybe the wife doesn't like sex at times cuz she senses you are irritated at her? As for the late thing , take separate cars. We often take seperate cars to events. Usually DH is shuttling one kid early to the sports events and then i come later with the other kids and so forth. If that is really irritating, then it is worth the price to take your own car.

[Deleted]

I am not sure that putting your foot down would have changed the punctuality thing. Some people are just chronically late and that is how they are. Not sure that would have helped anyway.

[Deleted]

WWBG yes we all pick our battles. The way you worded things in your last post is a lot better than how you normally word things.

My husband knew what he was getting when he married me, a very strong willed, independent, and opinionated woman. I have mellowed with age, but I do still have a fiery temper. (No, I do not beat my husband or throw things at him). He wouldn't dare to ever pull a WCP stunt on me. I don't play. We are a team and we work things out as a team.

We have been together 16 years, married for almost 15 if you were at all curious.

[Deleted]

We wanna hear more toe curling stories!

[Deleted]

Oh I wanted to add to my last post....

I am not late. I am on time or a few minutes early. Goose is the one that makes us late. When I was younger I would have anxiety attacks over it. As I mellowed with age and learned to just let things go, I realize it just really isn't a battle I need to fight all the time. Most functions it doesn't matter if you are a few minutes late. Most people do not even notice. The things that it is extremely important to be on time, I just have him and my family start getting ready earlier. If we need to take a 2nd car then we do.

I cannot change Goose, and he cannot change me. We can only change ourselves.

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."~~Mohandas Gandi

[Opti]

And just because a man is assertive, does not translate to him being "your boss all the time". Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, and someone like me who failed to do this for so long has a LOT of ground to make up for.

For example, DW is very bad with punctuality, and we often leave late because of it. She tries, and she can be on time, but she is just one of those "is leaving the house at the time she was supposed to be there" people. Its a constant source of frustration... I pick my battles as best as I can, but sometimes when I am the one facing walking in late and giving that sheepish pathetic "so sorry... there was traffic" apology, I don't have any good options. So far, I've avoided doing what WCPaul did to his wife about church, but quite frankly, I know that is the only cure.

I think what people are trying to tell you is you are not coming off as assertive. Closer to bossy or aggressively angry. There are people who love to be prompt and those that don't. Unlike the be prompt at almost all costs folks I don't think the other type makes them a bad person but it will hurt them for things like doctor's appointments and job interviews.

If this is who she is. Why can't you just accept it instead of trying to change it? I had a boyfriend once who tended to be late. I think it was part culture and part personal preference but I decided to live with it. I guess part of it is he did have an uncanny knack of knowing how late to be. There were many times we walked into a theatre when the movie should have been at least 5 to 10 minutes in and it was just going to start.

I'd advise against using PBP as your role model. He seems pretty unhappy as well. Compromise is a much better path to martial happiness than "putting your foot down". I don't get why you do sheepish apologies. Come up with something you both can live with.
"Sorry we are late, but this is actually early on DW time."

Its a good thing she didn't need you to change your last name to feel you completely accept her, because to me its obvious you don't. Its sad you can't love her for who she is and live with those things you don't like about her. Everyone comes with things we don't like. Hopefully if they are deal-breakers we just don't marry them or stay in a realtionship with them.

[Opti]

That's compromise tbird. Haven't you been reading?

[swamp]

May 12, 2012 20:58:27 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

May 12, 2012 15:19:24 GMT -5 @craftysarah said:

Well, in 33 years, I think the only person I have ever insisted call me "Ms. Crafty" was a sleazy mortgage broker who kept calling me darlin' but I'm not sure where your perception comes from that social and professional titles are somehow different.

It would never occur to me to address an envelope to someone with an MD, DO, DDS, DVM, EdD, PhD or whatever with "Mr." or "Ms."

Really? I guess I'm not that hung up on titles because it would never occur to me that one of my friends would get so bent out of shape if I addressed their envelope as Mr/Ms. instead of doctor...that really does seem pretentious to me. Much like if I addressed an envelope to swamp I certainly wouldn't call her Attorney Swamp...I find it silly.

RESPECT THE SWAMP!!!!!!!

[Happy prose]

You mean Swampesq.

[Deleted]

This thread is so long that I can't even remember if I have already responded. I don't think so after reading 7 pages, though.

I have two experiences to share. One is my DIL. We discovered that she didn't take my son's last name at the hospital when no one by that name had given birth. Her explanation was that she couldn't afford the $20 to change her driver's license. We were like, "Um, yeah, as if you couldn't have collected $20 from EVERY one of his relatives with that story."

The other experience is mine. I LOVED my name. I had had it for 36 years. Unfortunately, though, it really wasn't mine. I had married at age 20 and remarried at 56. So I felt really odd about asking my new DH to refer to me by my ex's name. So in a sense, it really is a property marker although, as I said, I loved it. It was unusual. There are 50 million people with my present last name.

I kept my maiden name as a middle name with both of my marriages. The school system, though, insists on treating my ex's last name as my middle name. I have quit fighting it since no one really knows who I am, any more. I sit by people in the work room and hear, "Who is this Susana person?" I will go, "Me?" So now I have started using the signature Southern (EX NAME) Susana on my emails. It helps.

[Miss Tequila]

May 13, 2012 15:40:52 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 12, 2012 20:58:27 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Really? I guess I'm not that hung up on titles because it would never occur to me that one of my friends would get so bent out of shape if I addressed their envelope as Mr/Ms. instead of doctor...that really does seem pretentious to me. Much like if I addressed an envelope to swamp I certainly wouldn't call her Attorney Swamp...I find it silly.

RESPECT THE SWAMP!!!!!!!

LMAO!!

[weltschmerz]

Where I live, a woman's legal name is the name she was born with. She keeps it for life. It's on her marriage certificate, her drivers license, her provincial health insurance card, her degrees, her paycheques, etc. It keeps things simple. Husbands may come and go, but her name remains the same.

[zibazinski]

I'm torn by this. It's coming up. My now last name has been my last name forever and everything is in it including retirement money. Marrying DF, he wants me to take his,last name. I'm okay with it because my now name is my EXs but is it really that big of a hassle to change it? Years ago it wasn't. But now I have passport and everything else. Plus, his is VERY ethnic sounding in a very prejudiced world. Some security guy actually told me to keep the name I had for my own safety.

[aliciar6]

May 13, 2012 7:59:20 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Bravo to all of you who don't make excuses, and take an "if you are in the mood, I can get there" approach. I'm wrong to say almost all women hate sex, but can't we at least agree that there are some who overuse "not tonight dear" a bit too much?

i have yet to say "not tonight" once to FI, the one and only time i turned him down i had a migraine that made me throw up out the truck door...it was after work and we couldn't wait until we got home, and i gave it a try but the migraine got the best of me.

it's usually him that will overeat at dinner and be too full, so I'll get the "My stomach is not cooperating excuese" but in a year I'd say 340 out of 365 days we have had sex. so we are not all fridgid.

I HATED sex with XH, he was selfish in bed, had few attractive qualities, it was painful, he didn't care what i liked, and i really didn't like him (wonder why we divorced) so I avoided him as much as possible. i still wanted sex, just not with him

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 11, 2012 16:22:15 GMT -5 @craftysarah said:

That's only a fair question to you.

I agree that equality doesn't mean everyone must do the same thing. But I'm wondering if you have thought through the magnitude of what you are asking of DW. Why would it be any less of a big deal for her to change her name than for you to change yours?

I did talk about this thread with DH over the weekend. His question was "What last name with any kids have? Mom's last name or Dad's?"

He also confirmed that A. I didn't give him a choice in the matter and B. His preference was that I take his name and C. He wasn't going to argue over getting what he wanted without having to ask for it....

[Mrs. Dinero]

"I think a young woman who plans to have children should to unite the family under one name."

Sorry, I'm old fashioned too.

[Firebird]

Oh lordy... this is always a fun topic (I haven't read the thread yet but I can see that we've already gotten to discussing the causal link between women who won't change their name and women who won't put out).

I took DH's last name without too much fuss. In my case, this equated to us essentially having the same name - we already had the male and female versions of the same first name. But I like his last name, it sounds good with my first name, I wanted our whole family to have the same name, and oh yeah, also because he wanted me to take his name.

It wasn't that big a deal to me (beyond wanting us to have the same name) and he wanted it to be his name, so why make a big deal about it?

[Firebird]

Much like if I addressed an envelope to swamp I certainly wouldn't call her Attorney Swamp...I find it silly.

But Advokat Swamp sounds cool (Thank you, Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.)

[Deleted]

I took DH's last name without too much fuss. In my case, this equated to us essentially having the same name - we already had the male and female versions of the same first name.

HA! Same here. ;D