Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 26, 2012 17:03:25 GMT -5
Really, we need a new system. Minimum 3 months of leave, fully paid, for anyone who has a new minor child come into their home permanently. Moms and dads both. Period.
As far as bonding time goes, though, I plan to be back to work around Christmas, certainly by the first of the year - DH will only be able to take two weeks off when the baby comes, and two when I go back to work IF he's lucky. That's best-case scenario. More likely he'll get a week for each period.
And when we're working, we're away from the house for 12-14 hours a day, every day. I'm really starting to envy people with set hours and a short commute. I'm going to try to go to a 4-10 schedule but it may not happen. It all depends.
Anyway, what I'm getting at is that until we move to Washington, neither of us is going to get to see our Firechick much. I'm so relieved and thankful that we've got my mom living close by now to look after him or her during the day, but it's still going to suck massively to be away from our kid so much during those crucial first months. Yes, I get more time than DH initially but if he gets the job he's going for in town, he's going to net much more time with the kiddo than me overall. And that's still not saying much.
I guess my point is that while yes, it definitely does suck that we have such a crappy take on new parents in this country, and you are for sure getting the short end of the stick, I don't think that the quantity of time you have with your little one will define how much you bond with it. If I thought that, I'd almost certainly be holding off on kids right now - because I won't see mine much for awhile, possibly even after we move to Washington.
I am sure that your kid(s) will bond with you just fine even if you don't have as much time with them as you'd like. The quality of that time is what they'll probably remember more than the quantity.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 26, 2012 17:10:06 GMT -5
I'm not trying to downplay your frustration, by the way. The way the system is set up totally sucks. I know DH is bummed that he'll have to go back to work so soon. Not that he was really hoping otherwise. But who wants to go to stupid work when there's a cute gurgly little baby in the house?
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 26, 2012 17:16:19 GMT -5
Shenandoah I'm trying to fight a somewhat similar battle with my company. Our PTO is use it or lose it by your anniversary date. My anniversary is 3 1/2 months before my due date. They are so far refusing to let me keep my time for those extra few months, or pay me out on my anniversary. So in essence they want me to take 3 weeks off between now and August, and then take another 8-12 weeks off after the baby gets here. That's great for HR, but really, really bad for my office and the sales team I support.
It's stupid logistics like that that seriously make me crazy. I hope your company see's the light and lets you take that time. I pay out of pocket for std, so I do get 4 weeks paid from that, but we're on the hook for the rest of mine and dh's leave.
FB--I will send you all kinds of good vibes to get 4 10's or another schedule that will let you snuggle with your babe more. Those first few months are so hard to leave the little one--even when you adore the people you are leaving them with.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 26, 2012 17:24:05 GMT -5
But who wants to go to stupid work when there's a cute gurgly the little baby in the house finally fell asleep at 5:30am after being up and screaming all night?
Fixed. ;D
With an infant, I actually believe quantity of time is less of a factor. I'm more worried about bonding with an older child. Infants are wired to bond pretty easily with those caring for them. Toddlers not so much. With older kids, amount of time spent with them, quality or not matters more. And it can really just be the simple things- like eating breakfast together, having more than two hours in the evening before bed, etc. I am actually very lucky in that I have a great boss who will let me do some partial days when I first have to come back (especially if I get less than 6 weeks off to begin with), and i have the ability to work from home on days I don't have meetings.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 26, 2012 17:24:45 GMT -5
FB--I will send you all kinds of good vibes to get 4 10's or another schedule that will let you snuggle with your babe more. Those first few months are so hard to leave the little one--even when you adore the people you are leaving them with. Thank you very much Good vibes to you in return dealing with your HR department; that is just silly. I sent you a PM also.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 26, 2012 17:25:42 GMT -5
But who wants to go to stupid work when there's a cute gurgly the little baby in the house finally fell asleep at 5:30am after being up and screaming all night?That too With older kids, amount of time spent with them, quality or not matters more. And it can really just be the simple things- like eating breakfast together, having more than two hours in the evening before bed, etc.True. Which makes it even more stupid that they don't factor that in when determining time off for new adoptive parents.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 26, 2012 17:31:16 GMT -5
rae: That definitely sucks. I can understand if they won't do a payout, as that might have other people asking for one, but not letting you carry over the time, considering everyone knows you're going to have to be out of the office is ridiculous.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 26, 2012 17:36:49 GMT -5
We really ran the gamut on my little thread - all the way from what constitutes a real marriage to what the laws should be for new mommies and daddies
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Apr 26, 2012 18:00:41 GMT -5
But who wants to go to stupid work when there's a cute gurgly little baby in the house? You've obviously never changed a newborn diaper!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Apr 26, 2012 18:06:26 GMT -5
But who wants to go to stupid work when there's a cute gurgly little baby in the house? You've obviously never changed a newborn diaper! Newborn diapers are nothing. Diapers worn by a 2 year old who eats "big people food" like Mexican and Chinese and peas and spaghetti is just nasty!!!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 26, 2012 18:11:00 GMT -5
My diaper genie will change the diapers for me. That's what a diaper genie does, right? Right??
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Apr 26, 2012 18:11:11 GMT -5
Newborn diapers just reek though, and the unnatural colors are disturbing. All the kid eats is breast milk and every other diaper load is a different color. There's just something wrong with that.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 26, 2012 18:12:32 GMT -5
Paid for by whom?
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Apr 26, 2012 18:14:20 GMT -5
My diaper genie will change the diapers for me. That's what a diaper genie does, right? Right?? You're close. The diaper genie is actually a big sausage maker.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Apr 26, 2012 18:19:08 GMT -5
My diaper genie will change the diapers for me. That's what a diaper genie does, right? Right?? ((pats head)). Of course, sweetie.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 26, 2012 20:52:17 GMT -5
I think it's wonderful that you are willing to foster and adopt. It takes a very special person to do both.
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quotequeen
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Post by quotequeen on Apr 27, 2012 6:23:40 GMT -5
Really, we need a new system. Minimum 3 months of leave, fully paid, for anyone who has a new minor child come into their home permanently. Moms and dads both. Period. Are you including new stepparents in that?
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 27, 2012 9:50:20 GMT -5
Newborn diapers just reek though, and the unnatural colors are disturbing. All the kid eats is breast milk and every other diaper load is a different color. There's just something wrong with that. And that's one of the other areas that adoptive moms get harrassed over- we CAN'T breast feed, but random strangers still assume we should. I've told DH, that while we overall don't care what "color" the baby is, and we know there will be unique challenges if we adopt a child of a different race, sometimes I think it will be easier on me if our child is obviously not ours. That way, I don't have to deal with the dirty looks and the judgemental stares for bottle feeding. (And yes, those do exist, in spades. I've seen them directed at a dear friend who adopted her daughter. We even had someone walk by us one day, and say "breast is best" while she was feeding her little girl.)
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 27, 2012 9:53:39 GMT -5
The nice thing about bing old is that you take no crap, verbal or otherwise from anyone, especially strangers. It amazes me that some people can be so rude and a verbal comeback is so in order.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 27, 2012 9:56:05 GMT -5
And that's one of the other areas that adoptive moms get harrassed over- we CAN'T breast feed, but random strangers still assume we should.I'm REALLY skeptical of this but I read in What to Expect First Year and the Ultimate Breastfeeding guide that you can get yourself to express milk for an adopted baby. It was several pages worth of work though. I imagine you have to be pretty darn obsessed/committed to breastfeeding to go thru that kind of hassle. Personally I wouldn't go to that much work. Thinking about how much work it was to get my supply back up when it dipped at six months I can't imagine how time consuming it is to get yourself to the level of where you can produce even small amounts of milk without having been pregnant first. Nobody should judge ANYONE for not wanting to breasfeed, but especially adoptive moms.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 27, 2012 9:57:15 GMT -5
I will admit that FMLA protections actually favor foster to adopt parents. FMLA covers the 12 weeks on a rolling year when the child is first placed with you, and again when the adoption is finalized, and covers court dates, etc. So if there is more than a year between placement and adoption (which, in foster to adopt, is not rare) you can take double the leave. Now, I probably wouldn't use all 12 weeks the first time, even if I had the leave to cover it, because I just can't imagine being off work that long. But if there is a year between the events, I very well might want to take a 2 week family vacation at the finalization to celebrate that.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 27, 2012 10:01:17 GMT -5
Wow, that's awful. One of the only times I've ever told a complete stranger to "f*** off" was when she said something similar to my BFF (who wanted to breastfeed but was unable to for medical reasons). My friend already felt guilty enough - which she shouldn't have! - without dealing with the unsolicited opinions of people who didn't know her or her situation. You should have seen the look on the stranger's face when I said that! Made me think that most recipients of those comments don't fight back. With the number of people I see smoking in cars (with babies in the backseat), restaurants, letting their kids play in the street, you'd think - if people have SUCH a need to make unsolicited comments on others' parenting - they could focus on things that are causing real harm instead...
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Apr 27, 2012 10:02:11 GMT -5
sure you can, just take some hormones, and voila, the milk shows up. You would if you loved your child.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 27, 2012 10:03:14 GMT -5
Drama- I believe hormone treatments are available that would make it possible for me to breast feed as well, but I don't think my insurance covers those, and adopting is expensive enough to begin with.
Zib- I almost flew out of my chair at that woman- and the baby looks a whole lot more like me than she does her adoptive mom. But my friend just shook her head and ignored it. We talked about it later and she said it hurts, but she has to remind herself that she knows what she's doing and leave it at that. She said it also reminds her to be less judgemental. I doubt I will be quite that "zen" over it, and expect to be flipping off any number of people while feeding my child in public.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2012 10:03:42 GMT -5
Newborn diapers just reek though, and the unnatural colors are disturbing. All the kid eats is breast milk and every other diaper load is a different color. There's just something wrong with that. whose diapers were you changing? diapers of exclusively breasfed babies do not stink...and also aren't all that full since breastmilk is used way more effectively than formula so much less passes through.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2012 10:04:31 GMT -5
Newborn diapers just reek though, and the unnatural colors are disturbing. All the kid eats is breast milk and every other diaper load is a different color. There's just something wrong with that. And that's one of the other areas that adoptive moms get harrassed over- we CAN'T breast feed, but random strangers still assume we should. I've told DH, that while we overall don't care what "color" the baby is, and we know there will be unique challenges if we adopt a child of a different race, sometimes I think it will be easier on me if our child is obviously not ours. That way, I don't have to deal with the dirty looks and the judgemental stares for bottle feeding. (And yes, those do exist, in spades. I've seen them directed at a dear friend who adopted her daughter. We even had someone walk by us one day, and say "breast is best" while she was feeding her little girl.) meh, tell them to bite you!
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 27, 2012 10:05:13 GMT -5
swamp- It's true. I don't even have the kid yet, and already I don't love it enough. I am going to be a bad mommy.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Apr 27, 2012 10:05:15 GMT -5
Newborn diapers just reek though, and the unnatural colors are disturbing. All the kid eats is breast milk and every other diaper load is a different color. There's just something wrong with that. whose diapers were you changing? diapers of exclusively breasfed babies do not stink...and also aren't all that full since breastmilk is used way more effectively than formula so much less passes through. I dunno, my DS had some pretty stinky diapers and he was breastfed. He also had some blowouts that went right up his back.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Apr 27, 2012 10:05:37 GMT -5
swamp- It's true. I don't even have the kid yet, and already I don't love it enough. I am going to be a bad mommy. Join the club. ;D
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 27, 2012 10:08:20 GMT -5
I believe hormone treatments are available that would make it possible for me to breast feed as well, but I don't think my insurance covers those, and adopting is expensive enough to begin with.I'll to the ladies who put themselves thru that for their adopted kids. You gottta be REALLY committed to breastfeeding. I don't get why you'd put yourself thru all that hormonal crap when you don't have to. I really don't get why you then feel that it is your place to order other adoptive mothers to do the same.
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