Big wedding when you're already married

[Firebird]

So an old friend of my DH is having a big wedding next spring and we've been invited. No problem, I like weddings. The only thing is that they're already married. They secretly eloped four or five weeks ago. They're keeping it quiet ostensibly to avoid "upsetting" their families who wanted them to wait longer to get married (the families are paying for 80% of the wedding, by the way).

But DH's friend confided in him that his fiancee/wife wanted to be married immediately but also wanted the big wedding party.

Does this kind of thing bother anyone else? It's not a huge deal to ME in this case because I don't have a dog in the fight. But if I were very close to the bride and groom (especially if I were, for example, one of the parents that was paying for the big wedding), I would be incredibly upset should I find out that the happy couple was already married and just wanted to have a huge party on our dime.

And even if I weren't involved in funding the thing, I think I'd feel kind of silly attending a huge wedding only to find out afterward that it wasn't the real wedding. I'm glad I know in advance that they're already married and that I'm not that close to them, but if I didn't and I was, I imagine I'd feel pretty deceived.

Thoughts?

[Deleted]

If the couple is pretending to not be married that is weird.

I have no problem with a couple getting married and then having a large wedding reception at some other date.

[formerroomate99]

I have to wonder if the family would care that much. In many cases, a wedding is just an excuse to throw a big party and have a mini-family reunion. The couple already being married doesn't change this.

[Green Eyed Lady]

It actually doesn't make any sense to me. They eloped a month ago because their families wanted them to wait longer to get married and a month makes a difference?

At any rate, I'd go and share in their happiness.

[midjd]

Does this kind of thing bother anyone else?

Yes. You can't have it both ways. (There's nothing wrong with eloping/secretly marrying and then later having a big RECEPTION, but to bill the latter celebration as a wedding is pretty dishonest).

I feel the same way about people who legally CAN marry, choose not to, and still refer to each other as "husband" and "wife". I have 2 friends who do this, I know it's petty, but it bugs me.

[Firebird]

I have no problem with a couple getting married and then having a large wedding reception at some other date.

Oh, me either. I see this as completely different. If you're being upfront about the fact that you're already married and you want to have a party/reception, that's one thing. But pretending to be engaged just so you can have it both ways? That's what bugged me about the idea.

[Firebird]

I have to wonder if the family would care that much. In many cases, a wedding is just an excuse to throw a big party and have a mini-family reunion. The couple already being married doesn't change this.

I think if my parents had paid for my wedding, they would have cared a lot if it wasn't our first trip down the altar. The thinking being that they wouldn't have shelled out that kind of money for a secret elopement.

It's the dishonesty that bothers me. If the couple says "hey we eloped this weekend" and Mom and Dad are like, "well, we wanted to throw you a big wedding anyway so your reception is on the 4th and we're paying," that's completely their choice and (IMO) different.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If you are old enough/mature enough to get married then you are old enough/mature enough to tell your family and take the consequences of your actions.

I wouldn't be pissed personally but I think they could be in for a whole lot of fugly if the people paying find out they are already married. Hope they didn't tell anyone who might accidently blab to grandma.

Personally I think it is tacky and don't get why if you cannot wait to get married you just don't take the elopment as it stands or move the wedding up if you want one that badly.

[Firebird]

It actually doesn't make any sense to me. They eloped a month ago because their families wanted them to wait longer to get married and a month makes a difference?

Sorry if that wasn't clear - they eloped a month ago and their wedding is next spring (early April, I believe). Apparently, the bride didn't want to be engaged that long

[Deleted]

Do you know if they are going to have another wedding service? I assume that they will have to tell the person doing the service that they are already married...

[hoops902]

I think it depends on what the reason is. My wife's cousin got "secretly" married about 6 months ago. They had been planning this big wedding for about 6 months prior when they found out her mother probably wasn't going to live that long, so they had a little courthouse wedding so mom could attend. Most people at their wedding next month won't have any idea they're already legally married.

I don't think it would really bother me in any circumstance. A wedding is kind of meaningless in the first place, it's just an excuse to have a big fun party.

I have other friends who had secret weddings because a loved one got called away to active military duty and they wanted to be married just in case, then had the "wedding" later on.

I think it's kind of silly to have the big wedding when you're already married, but I also think it's kind of silly to have a big expensive wedding at all. Of course I also don't know anyone who had their secret wedding and kept it secret from the people paying for it. I might care in that case.

[Green Eyed Lady]

Apr 23, 2012 11:30:03 GMT -5 Firebird said:

It actually doesn't make any sense to me. They eloped a month ago because their families wanted them to wait longer to get married and a month makes a difference?

Sorry if that wasn't clear - they eloped a month ago and their wedding is next spring (early April, I believe). Apparently, the bride didn't want to be engaged that long

Ohhhhhhhh!! LOL!! That makes much more sense now! I dont' know why I thought the wedding was coming up now. You DID state that. I just didn't read closely. My bad.

[Formerly SK]

I don't feel like there is enough info for me to express an opinion on your friends' actions, but in general I can see valid situations where you do a quickie wedding at the JOP and then do a ceremony later. Specific reasons could be pregnancy, logistics/moving, tax planning, military, etc. I have a cousin who secretly married his GF the week before another cousin was having a big wedding. They didn't want to "steal the cousin's limelight" so they kept it a secret and were "married" 8 months later. Course, by the time the wedding arrived a lot of people knew.

Given so many people know about your friend's situation I wonder how they'll keep it quiet until their wedding day.

[justme]

From the advice columns I read, the only situation that it seems universally agreed on that it's ok to either keep the secret or have a full blown wedding re-do months later is if someone in the couple is in the military and they elope before deployment then have the wedding once they return.

ETA: Forgot the situation Archie presented. That one too.

[hoops902]

Apr 23, 2012 11:32:17 GMT -5 justme said:

From the advice columns I read, the only situation that it seems universally agreed on that it's ok to either keep the secret or have a full blown wedding re-do months later is if someone in the couple is in the military and they elope before deployment then have the wedding once they return.

ETA: Forgot the situation Archie presented. That one too.

I think even in that situation though, if I were a parent who was paying for the "re do" I'd be upset that I'm not good enough to know you got married but I'm good enough to pay for your re-do.

[CarolinaKat]

My friend is military and so is her NOW husband. They were stationed in non-continental US and were facing getting split up if they remained unmarried. They had a JOP ceremony there and are having a 'church' ceremony complete with reception here for friends and family, over a year later.

I think hiding it for over a year is a bad idea though

[Deleted]

Welll, what about a wedding where the couple still weren't married at the end of the ceremony? Very few people actually knew what was going on, unless the guests paid really close attention to what the minister said during the ceremony.

They went to Vegas several months later and actually got married.

[swamp]

I think even in that situation though, if I were a parent who was paying for the "re do" I'd be upset that I'm not good enough to know you got married but I'm good enough to pay for your re-do.

crap, I'm agreeing with Hoops.......

[justme]

Apr 23, 2012 11:36:49 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Apr 23, 2012 11:32:17 GMT -5 justme said:

From the advice columns I read, the only situation that it seems universally agreed on that it's ok to either keep the secret or have a full blown wedding re-do months later is if someone in the couple is in the military and they elope before deployment then have the wedding once they return.

ETA: Forgot the situation Archie presented. That one too.

I think even in that situation though, if I were a parent who was paying for the "re do" I'd be upset that I'm not good enough to know you got married but I'm good enough to pay for your re-do.

In the ones I read where everyone in the comments were ok with it was where close family knew. Probably because that reason is seen as more understandable then "but I want my Mrs. NOW and the big party of my dreams".

[8 Bit WWBG]

Due to a mishap with officiants, we almost had to make our "friends and family" wedding a fake, and then sneak off later in the day (or very early in the morning) to really get married across state lines. I am glad it didn't come to that. Most people never would have known, but I personally don't feel right putting everyone on. I'd have probably insisted that we at least TELL our guests that what they are seeing is for show.

I could see being quite upset if I was the one who was tricked. Like hoops said, I don't like feeling as if I'm only worthy to pick up your tab.

[Deleted]

This is part of the reason we need to separate marriages from civil unions, in my book... it makes sense not to wait for health benefits, legal benefits, etc. ... but to wait for the ceremony, which is more spiritual/traditional in nature... until you can afford what you want (or the people around you to whom it is important can plan it...)

Did they ask for separate presents for both occasions ? ... Doesn't sound like it... sounds like they just want people to help them celebrate their union...

[Waffle]

Heck, I'd be upset just being a guest that was expected to give a present for a "fraud" of a wedding.

[Wisconsin Beth]

It's the hiding part that bugs me.

Pink, you gotta spill more on that one1

[hoops902]

Apr 23, 2012 11:45:34 GMT -5 Waffle said:

Heck, I'd be upset just being a guest that was expected to give a present for a "fraud" of a wedding.

Personally, I wouldn't care about this. It's not like my experience is being lessened because they're already married. I see it as bringing a gift to a party. If I bring a gift to a birthday party I don't care that the party was 2 days after their actual birthday. I don't care that they had another party that day with family. I see a wedding as basically a celebration of their commitment to one another. If they made that commitment official that day or 2 weeks ago, I don't really mind.

[Deleted]

They'd been engaged for years, planned weddings and called them off. This one was IT. We'd already bought our bridesmaids dresses a year or 2 before, during one of the other plannings.

The night before the wedding, guests had come in from out of town, the bride had been here a few days, but no groom. The immediate family was panicking because they had to get their marriage license. The groom arrived a couple of hours before the wedding (on a Saturday), so no license. But the show went on.

Months later they eloped (what I had been telling the bride to do for years and forget about a wedding because frankly, I would've been embarrassed to keep inviting people to weddings that never happened). A couple years later they broke up. This had been going on for over 10 years.

[Deleted]

You don't care... but maybe great grandma does ? I'd just think of it as a celebration of their union.... whenever that happened. Do you think the vows will mean less because they already signed the paperwork at the JP ?

I don't know, maybe i'm way off base... i've never really gotten weddings anyway.

[greenstone]

Oped
This is part of the reason we need to separate marriages from civil unions, in my book... it makes sense not to wait for health benefits, legal benefits, etc. ... but to wait for the ceremony, which is more spiritual/traditional in nature... until you can afford what you want (or the people around you to whom it is important can plan it...)

Hoops902
It's not like my experience is being lessened because they're already married. I see it as bringing a gift to a party. If I bring a gift to a birthday party I don't care that the party was 2 days after their actual birthday. I don't care that they had another party that day with family. I see a wedding as basically a celebration of their commitment to one another. If they made that commitment official that day or 2 weeks ago, I don't really mind.


I agree. I would be just as happy for any couple if the ceremony wasn't the actual legal service, but if they pretended it was and I found out it wasn't then I would be really annoyed. I generally don't like to be lied to or mislead for any reason, just a quirk of mine I guess.

[Deleted]

A couple isn't technically married until the marriage certificate is filed in the town, correct?

[HoneyBBQ]

Apr 23, 2012 11:24:33 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

If the couple is pretending to not be married that is weird.

I have no problem with a couple getting married and then having a large wedding reception at some other date.

I guess there's a first for everything... I agree with Archie.

For me, a wedding is between my spouse and no one else. Having a party to celebrate my wedding could occur at any time IMO.

[mthistory]

DH's family insisted we have a wedding after they learned we eloped. Apparently we were not "married" until we had a wedding. I was forced to plan something, I never wanted, and did something cheap and small on a week day (our 1 year anniversary). Members of DH's family are still upset with us (7 years later) that we didn't do it on a weekend so they could attend; apparently we were suppose to have a huge 500+ person wedding. I get anniversary cards from DH's family and they are always a year short since we were not really married that first year.