Thank you all.

[anciana]

Beth, DS was not yet 3 when we had to put our dog down. He still remembers and talks about her. But it's good memories and fun times. It's been couple of years now so we all have healed. But it certainly took some time.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Hey Beth,

Thank you for sharing your story with everyone. It's almost like you were spying on me when my kids were younger. Seriously, I could have written the same thread 10 years ago. I just want to say that not only are you a strong woman -- you're a wonderful mother. You are trying to fix the things that aren't working for your family rather than just checking out with drugs or alcohol or emotional distance. Your family life will be all the better for it. You're on the right path.

I wanted to point out that we're all good at some parenting stuff, and not so good with other parenting stuff. For example, with the passage of time, I've come to realize that I am far better with the intellectual and social/emotional needs of my kids than the physical needs. All that lugging of car seats, and kids, and bending over bath tubs, and changing clothes and diapers, and doing the zombie walk into their rooms late at night when they were sick or had a nightmare --- it all nearly destroyed me. Then ODS has some learning disabilities and the special ed crap at school just about pushed me off the cliff. I hung in there, like most of us do, because I am a mother bear and there was simply no one else to raise them the way *I* could.

Now they're teenagers and growing in leaps and bounds and spreading their wings and the demands are so much easier -- sorting out social stuff, teaching and re-teaching right from wrong and etiquette and how to treat others with respect and what's wrong in the world and why and how it needs to be fixed... That's all the stuff I am really good at, so we're all in a good place now.

Maybe you're the same -- not so good at the very wearing, tiring, physical stuff but you will shine when they become more independent in self-care and need your emotional and intellectual presence.

It sounds cliche, but it IS true. It does get easier as they get older.

And, if I might be so vain, can I offer you a tip? When I was having a good day, I started teaching them about "Mommy time". First, I taught them about "ODS" time and "YDS" time and "Daddy" time. This is time when someone wants to be alone for 30 minutes or so to do something they enjoy. It doesn't mean we don't still love and enjoy each other, just that sometimes we want to play or relax alone. I also taught them that when we each have our "own" time, we are happier, and a happier family member makes everyone happy.

Again, I did this on the GOOD days when I had the strength and energy to work with them on it. So, one at a time, we would each take time (start small, 10 minutes or so) alone doing something we enjoy and then re-group. Sometimes, that meant I took YDS out of the room so ODS could play with the toys alone and vice versa. Then, when they'd had their time, I took mine (within sight, but away from them). Because it was a GOOD day, they associated our individual time with something pleasant and bought right into it. If I'd tried it on a stressful day, they were going to be ALL over me with anxiety and separation issues. We made it a regular practice. And then, when those BAD days hit, I could pull a "Mommy" time before things got too far gone and they would calmly leave me to chill/relax/regroup. (And, it goes without saying, that if one of them genuinely needed me during "Mommy" time I would have made myself immediately available.) It got to the point where I could sit in the same room for 30 minutes and read (and focus on what I was reading!!!) while they played quietly alone or together. Oh, and I used the timer on the oven so there was a definite ending signal that they could expect.

Your kids are old enough to try this approach for short bursts. Remember to start with it on a GOOD day and really play it up as to how special and enjoyable a short period of alone time is, and it will be a treat, not a scary separation, for them.

Again, thank you for being so open about your struggles. I bet you've helped a lot more women than just those who have replied by sharing your thoughts and experiences. I used to ask why no one ever really admits to the hard parenting stuff -- like why didn't someone give me a heads up before I brought the first one home from the hospital? It's sort of this dark secret no one wants to share. You're shining a light on it and helping others to know that it isn't just "them".

Karma for you, Beth.

[Deleted]

golden - that's a great idea. I'm going to try it.

beth - I'm sorry about your dog. Ours is turning twelve this year and slowing down. I'm definitely concerned about the effect on DH and DS when she passes.

melissa & doug sell these expensive crayons that come with no wrappers! I'm tempted but I've resisted so far.

[Deleted]

"NO CALEB DON'T EAT THE POOP!!"

The phrases you never expected to say before you had kids, lol. ;D

[sbcalimom]

golden: that is an amazing technique that I too am going to steal!

Beth: so sorry to hear about your dog. I hope date night out with DH went well and you have a relaxing weekend.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Ain't that the truth anne.

I'm ok with picking up the crayon wrappers. But I'm holding the markers in reserve for a truly desperate day/need.

And thanks for the good wishes on Cocoa. I'm doing ok and so are the kids. I miss her more than I expected to. But I don't want the responsibility of another dog. I'm thinking about goldfish later on this year but we'll see.

golden, thank you for your post. There's some great stuff in there and I'm going to try it.

[mandyms]

Hi Beth,

I'm fairly new to the boards and don't know your whole story, but I have been following this thread. I'm glad you have been able to find some help and I wanted you to know you're not alone. I think shining a light on parenting's "not all unicorns and rainbows" has really helped a lot of us be able to seek out help; heaven help me if I lived back when you were supposed to slap a smile at all times and vacuum in heels.

I don't know how you feel about finding other moms with small kids to organize play dates and maybe once you get to know them, alternate weekend mornings/afternoons for the kids to play while you have some alone time. I'm a single parent with a 4 year old and when we lived closer to her dad, he would take her for about 5 hours on Sunday afternoons (this was his "parenting" time, but that's a whole issue I could start a thread about ). I found that all that time alone (and I would do as little as possible, sometimes just curling under a blanket and watch movies) was enough to recharge. Also, on days you would have them, I have found that having a peer for the kids to play with would free up so much "me" time even with them there.

I also found a method for cleaning/organizing/meal planning. It's called flylady.net, it's starting with small habits on a daily basis to help keep your house clean and presentable. It took me a whole year of developing small habits, but I used to save weekends to do full out cleaning and be exhausted; now I have my weekends for a little more relaxation and time to take DD to events/zoo/park. She also has some other people who are involved, including meal planning; savingdinner.com. I found a lot of quick and easy recipes this way.

Hugs to you; after the ex left (when DD was 3 months old..but he pretty much checked out when she was 2 weeks), I had to go on anti-depressants and see a counselor. I did a world of wonder to just put it out there and get an objective view of what was going on. It's not 100% (I called in today b/c I was sick all weekend and needed a "mental health" day too), but I remember some of the feelings you may be having.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hi Mandy,

I don't have a clue how to find a parents group at this point.

Today's job is to finish up the paperwork for dcp and find out how/when I can get the doctor to sign off on it. They start on Monday. Can we all say "procrastinator" in chorus now?

DH and I confirmed last night, he's going to drop off and pick up at the new dcp as it's on his way to/fro work. I may have to get them when he works late but the new routine will be daddy dealing with it on M, W and F. T and TH are grandparent days. On my end, this means I should have 30-60 minutes when I get home to myself. I told DH that my plan is to deal with dinners. I think I should be able to deal with that, esp. since I won't have kids underfoot. And I should have some time to relax too.

[giramomma]

That sounds like a good plan!

I'd try crock pot cooking at least one of those days a week. Setting a table doesn't take long to do (what, 5-10 minutes), which should maximize your relaxing time. Or, I know that Cooking Light used to have recipes where you cook something once (like chicken), and use it to prepare two separate meals. Hopefully, one of these would work with your H's dietary needs..

[mandyms]

Jan 26, 2012 10:03:23 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Hi Mandy,

I don't have a clue how to find a parents group at this point.

Try meetup.com; you can find groups in your area

I'd try crock pot cooking at least one of those days a week. Setting a table doesn't take long to do (what, 5-10 minutes), which should maximize your relaxing time. Or, I know that Cooking Light used to have recipes where you cook something once (like chicken), and use it to prepare two separate meals. Hopefully, one of these would work with your H's dietary needs..

I second the crockpot! A great website is crockpot365.blogspot.com; I don't know what DH's dietary needs are, but she is gluten free.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I used my crock pot this week. I got a programmable one for Christmas and I've been experimenting with it.

[midjd]

Golden, I don't have kids but I am going to tuck that idea away for when I do!

Beth, thank you for sharing your experience. I struggle with periods of depression and have had a couple this winter. I can't even imagine having to juggle this AND having little people depend on you! Kudos to you for seeking treatment. It really helps to read that others are going through similar trials and what has helped and not helped. I don't have much advice, but just wanted to thank you for this thread.

Thanks to all the rest of you who have shared your stories, too.

[gawgagranny]

Beth, I just found this thread, but let me add my good wishes to all the others....I am someone who has battled depression for many years and has BTDT with raising kids, too. Hang in there and know that there are a lot of us who care!

[gawgagranny]

And midjd, same to you, too.

[krr627]

Beth - glad to hear that things are generally trending upward. Thanks for sharing your story.

golden - that sounds like a great idea. I'm going to have to try it!

[misplacedbrit]

We were in the Air Force - I used to drive to the end of the runway, alone, and scream when planes went over.. or sing at the top of my lungs.. (neither pretty)
Just helped release stress / tension (probably saved my MIL's life)

[Wisconsin Beth]

I could have used a runway to scream at yesterday night.

New dcp is going fairly well. Kids are adjusting (today's day 2) and we're bringing in crap every day (today was snowpants, shoes to leave there and blankets/pillow for nap time) but the routine of me showering at 5:30, getting the kids up at 6:15/20 and being out the door before 7am is working, more or less.

Dad's having some kind of exploratory angioplasty thing this afternoon. So I'm heading out of work early to go sit with Mom in the waiting room. But prayers for him/my family are appreciated.

[JustLurkin]

Feb 1, 2012 9:01:03 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

But prayers for him/my family are appreciated.

Hope all went well.

[Wisconsin Beth]

It did. They found 3 blockages - 1 at 40%, 1 at 50% and 1 at 78%. They put a stent in the big one and put him on Plavex. And they're tweaking some of his other meds. He's home now. We're going over there tonight for cake. Mom's b-day was Wed. so we get to sing at her.

[taz157]

Feb 3, 2012 8:54:28 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Feb 3, 2012 8:37:05 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

It did. They found 3 blockages - 1 at 40%, 1 at 50% and 1 at 78%. They put a stent in the big one and put him on Plavex. And they're tweaking some of his other meds. He's home now. We're going over there tonight for cake. Mom's b-day was Wed. so we get to sing at her.

Tonight go hug your dad and mom , sing extra loud , and have a second piece of cake .

[Deleted]

Hope your dad recovers quickly!

I try to make a meal that is large enough for two dinners so 2-3 times a week I'm just reheating and throwing in a vegetable.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dad's clearly feeling/acting better. He's starting cardio rehab too. I know Mom's working on scheduling it but I'm not sure when it starts. I think/hope today. They're supposed to go to Florida on vacation at the end of the month, so hopefully they'll still be able to do that.

Weekend went ok. I got outside with the kids (and the neighbor girls) for a bit yesterday. And I vacuumed the carpets and swept the hardwood floors. Had the windows open some too this weekend as the house was stinky and the weather was gorgeous.

I did stand in the middle of the living room and just scream on Sunday night though. I'd made homemade soup and DS dumped his bowl on the floor and then while I was cleaning that up I heard DD's bowl clatter. I immediately thought she'd dumped hers too. She'd spilled and what I heard was her spoon hitting the floor. I was wrong but DH took over kid duty while I hid in the bathroom with my bowl of soup and a book for about 15 minutes.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Tonight's dinner is tacos. Easy to make and the kids will eat them without too much fuss (until their hard shells break, then they want soft shells...)

[taz157]

beth -

[Wisconsin Beth]

Pandora's playing my favorite song right now.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Ok, so I'm starting to settle into a routine for M, W, F. DH is doing dcp drop off and pickup. So I'm starting early and if work goes ok, I can leave early too. We're working on more of a family dinner on those days. Monday nights are going to be taco night I think. It's easy, the kids like them, etc.

Tonight, I'm making quinoa with some leftover chicken juice/broth. DH can eat both the quinoa and the chicken stuff I'm using, the kids used to eat quinoa so I'm hoping they will again, esp. if they see DH and me eating it. DH wants turnips with his dinner (which I may or may not get around to doing before they get home.) I'm going to have a salad. And I think I'm going to steam veggies (have to check what's frozen, they had broccoli last night, not sure they'll eat it 2 nights running and I don't remember offhand what else is in the freezer.) We're going to offer the kids turnips too. Meatless dinner but that's ok.

Friday is going to be chicken breasts in the crock pot with a bunch of fresh herbs. We can all eat that and I'll have noodles and hopefully a veg. for the kids.

T, TH and weekends are up for grabs. I'm trying to cook 1 "real" meal on the weekend and have leftovers either for my lunch or for a separate meal. And we've got frozen pizza, chicken patties, burgers and take out as options. Plus whatever is in the freezer.

Since I'm completely sucking at getting up at 5am to exercise on M, W and F - I'm going to see if I can treadmill after I get home and either before or after I get dinner stuff under control on those days. It will depend on errands, what time I get off of work, etc. But it's a start.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dad's doing better. He's staying awake more during the day and he's breathing better - according to Mom he's no longer doing those God-awful wheezing and sucking in/out breaths. I forgot to ask if he's feeling warmer.

Caleb's speech eval. has been rescheduled for Friday morning. And I scheduled his yearly followup for his feet too. My sister, the nurse and director of legal stuff for the place he's going, has agreed to go with me. She can translate doctorese for me and it gives her a chance to "secret shop" the staff. ;D

My parents are still planning on going to Florida at the end of the month. So we'll have 2 extra days of dcp, unless we decide to take vac. I'm burning though vac at a rapid pace so I think they'll be in dcp.

And my period's late. Grrrr. I don't track but I think I need to start. This is frustrating. DH got fixed and was good about doing the followup so I don't think I'm pregnant. I don't feel pregnant at any rate.

[Wisconsin Beth]

OMG. IT WORKED!!!! I've been working on figuring out how to update 1 field in the database I'm responsible for at work. I put in a call to the helpdesk and they worked with me on our testbed. I just updated the data in the production db and it worked.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Didn't get to treadmill. I screwed up my database and had to fix it. Then I needed to swing though the dollar store to get some more cheap stuff for the "Poop in the Potty" prize bag.

[MittenKitten]

Hey Beth, glad things seem to be going pretty well lately. I have been feeling more cheery lately (other then the bout of strep I contracted, although great for weight loss)

Keep chugging along girl, My mantra is Things WILL get easier, they have to or I will go stark raving mad.

Has your son been in speech therapy? What is the deal with his feet?