Thank you all.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I hope you stay around.

I don't know. He's gotten over the work stuff, at least for now. I honestly don't think he realizes just how shitty/tired/whatever I feel until I break down and cry. I know I need to figure out how to express myself to him when I need help. Even though I KEEP on thinking that he'll just see something and take care of it - I KNOW BETTER. Sigh.

[anciana]

Beth, I don't know him, but I would agree that he might not realize how you feel. I would even venture to say that he might be thinking only how hard it is for him, especially since he has the health issues, and all the stress at work, and ... ... you get the drift. That's why I'm wondering if a few sessions with a therapist might be really good, for both of you as a couple. He would (hopefully) be able to better understand how you feel and what he can and needs to do for you and for the family. And you might be better able to understand how he feels and how he thinks. Good luck!

[Wisconsin Beth]

The therapist is willing to work with both of us, separately or as a couple. She says it's up me to decide if/when I get him in there.

[anciana]

Well, give it a thought. And you can always ask your therapist about it. Aren't you seeing her soon? Maybe see what she thinks after you let her know about this past weekend. She might have some suggestions. And good luck with everything!
You know, it's only few more days till winter solstice and then the days will be getting longer and the winter will hopefully seem more bearable (the darkness, the drudgery, the cold, not talking about the fun stuff:)

[Wisconsin Beth]

Yes, I see her tomorrow night. I am hoping for suggestions from her.

I"m just grateful November is over. I don't know what it was about November but it seemed so freaking dark and gloomy and sucky this year. Just getting into Dec. gave me a lift. Didn't last but still...

[giramomma]

Dec 19, 2011 14:42:56 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

The therapist is willing to work with both of us, separately or as a couple. She says it's up me to decide if/when I get him in there.

My husband went to my therapist and really felt ganged up on, even though no one was doing that.

When it looked like we might have really needed couples therapy, the plan was to have 4 people in the room, both DH and I and our respective therapists (I was on another therapist at that point.) Course, it also helped that our therapists' offices were right next door to each other. My DH and I were also willing to sign away our rights so that both the therapists could read about our sessions. As it turned out, though individual for both of us is all we needed.

I know therapists are trained and all that, but if/when you ever get your DH in to see her, your therapist can't/shouldn't share anything about your treatment with your husband, unless you give permission to do so. Same thing with whatever your therapist might learn from working with your DH. She can't/shouldn't share that with you.

IMVHO, having one therapist for the both of you is about as a good idea as having one lawyer represent both a husband and wife who are divorcing.

Just on a side note, I was wondering if you just taking some time off for yourself might be possible. When I need break, I'll take a day off of work when everyone (husband, kids) is occupied. I don't feel guilty. There's only so much you can do. The well needs to be filled up. Trying to relax 5 minutes before an errand won't cut it. (at least, it doesn't for me.)

[Wisconsin Beth]

I had therapy last night. Caleb was tossing plastic ornaments at the Christmas tree and manage to hit and break one of the glass ones that was up high. So I hauled out the vacuum and vacuumed up the glass, which made me a few minutes late. Liz says someday I'll laugh at Caleb breaking ornaments (he's taken out 3 in 2 days...)

We talked about Christmas, last Sunday and how to bring up hard topics. She agreed that it sounds like DH and I used to be able to do this. She also thought that having kid free time, when we're not tired, is a good place to start having talks again. We also talked about the history of alcohol in both my family and DH's and in DH and me. Mainly, I think to eliminate that as one of our current issues/stressors. It's a concern, because we both have family histories of not good drinking and we live in Wisconsin, the land of cows, cheese and lushes. All in all, it was a good session for me.

We're meeting again on 12/30. I probably won't be seeing her in Jan. If I start stressing again, I'll go back but money is going to be tight in Jan. and we'd have to pay the full cost of my therapy at $140 a hour. So we'll see how the deductible stuff plays out in Jan. and how I'm feeling. I'm fairly sure I'll be seeing her in 2012, just not at the start of the year. So if you guys think I need to go back, PLEASE TELL ME. I'm not always the best judge of what I need so feel free to give me a written smack on the head as needed. If we need to, DH and I will find the money for the therapy in Jan.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Gira, I can't take off between now and the end of the year. But yes, I'm going to take a mental health day in Jan. just for me. The kids will be in dcp and I'll do whatever I want.

[suesinfl]

Beth, hang in there. The kids do grow up and become more independent. Like others have said, take some time for yourself, I know that it's easier said than done, but for sanity's sake you have to once in a while. DH and the kids will survive. I'm taking the next 3 days off just for myself. The kids are at their dad's and I just plan on doing nothing. I don't feel guilty, although other are trying to make me feel that way. This is how I get through the rough times.

It's been a very hard year, no cs for the last 12 months since xh lost his job, work has increased four told, my part-time college classes, etc. I'm just now wrapping what little bit of presents I have bought for the kids, I have no desire to bake cookies or any of the other traditions that i usually do. But for the next 3 days, I have time to sleep, regroup, and think about the new year and all the positive changes that I will make.

You are a strong person and can get over this little hill, it just takes time. Best of luck to you! You are doing all the right things by seeing/talking to someone that has a different perspective.

[anciana]

Beth, glad to hear that you had a good talk with your therapist. Seems like you covered a lot. Does she know you (possibly) won't be coming after the next meeting? She might have some more suggestions on how to deal with stuff in general and what to watch out for in case you need to go back.

I'll tell you what hubby and I used to do when our kids were that little about getting some one on one time before we get too tired later in the evening (no, can't do date nights starting at 8pm any more, too tired:). We would pay our DCP to keep the kids additional 2 hours and feed them dinner. And hubby and I would meet at the restaurants right after work, have an early dinner and some alone time. That way we got a date out of it, however short, we would just pay a little extra for kids care without having to secure a separate babysitter, and after picking the kids up, we would still have a little bit of time for play, bath and bedtime stories. Not sure if that would work with your DCP.

You are a very strong woman, Beth. Sometimes there lies the problem as you try to do so much. I know that there are times when you feel that if you don't do it, it won't be done, but you might need to revisit the priorities. Remember when K was first born? You had a priority list that helped you get through the day. Something along the lines: take care of the baby's needs, take care of me and one other thing (laundry OR dishes OR floors; remember it was OR not AND). Yes, those days are past, but you might want to use a modify version for the days/weeks/months when life is too much. Not sure what else to suggest. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and a kind, generous heart. Use it to take care of yourself too. Good luck!

[suesinfl]

anciana, well said!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Thanks Sue. I'm sorry you're having a head year too. I hope you enjoy your free days. I think I'd sleep the first day away.

She does know that I don't think I'll be back in Jan. But I'll ask her for suggestions because that's a good idea.

Right now, there's 1 restaurant in SE Wisconsin that we know Scott can eat at. So that's a thought.

I guess I don't see myself as a strong woman right now. Just one that's trying to slog along (head down, shoulder's hunched and ankle deep in mud and heading uphill, for those who want a visual image...)

And thanks for the reminder. You're right, I do need to re-prioritize. And figure out a new set of minimums.

[anciana]

Thank you, suesinfl!

Beth, it doesn't have to be a dinner, do whatever you, guys, like to do for an hour or two. Hubby and I are known of having a grocery shopping "dates" too Just something not too stressful and with minimal amount of planning necessary.

And I bet you don't see yourself as a strong woman, that's why you have us to tell you that ;D If you weren't a strong person, you might have thrown in the towel, gone off on DH and you would need friends with a shovel and experience in shoveling in the frozen ground But you're holding on and hanging in there, doing what needs to be done for everybody in your family. We're just trying to remind you that it starts with you first. Take care!

[suesinfl]

I guess I don't see myself as a strong woman right now.

But see you are a strong woman. You recognize that you need help and are seeking that help either through us or your therapist. There are times in life when we become overwhelmed and need some different perspectives and you are doing that. Hang in there life will be better, it just may take a little longer than we wish.

It's also a hard time of the year of a lot of people. Just remember that a new year starts in a couple of weeks, and a new year means a new life for the better.

[Wisconsin Beth]

So DH saw the new doctor. He's to stop all current supplements (so I now have a box to return to the post office tonight) and they want him to start THEIR supplements instead. They also want him to bring in samples of everything he's taking for the next visit (unknown date at this point) and there's a bunch of tests they'd like to do but they did rank them in a kind of priority because some of them are 5 figures...

Thank God for my health insurance. If he can get any of the tests in this calendar year, there's no cost to us. If not, next year we have a $500 deductible for him and then 10% OOP until his OOP costs are $500, then they cover everything for him after that, as long as he uses in network labs (even though the doctor is out of network.) He's got a follow up with an eye doctor in like Feb. anyway, so we know damn well he's going to hit the max OOP this year anyway.

[suesinfl]

Hey Beth, I was thinking of you earlier and hoping that you were have a good day. I hope your DH finds out some good news and his condition improves. It's scary not knowing what is wrong what is wrong with your body. It's also mentally draining on everyone involved. Best of luck, it sounds like you have pretty good insurance, hopefully the Dr. will do the tests ASAP so that it falls in this year.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Are these supplements the doctor SELLS or ones he recommends? If he sells them personally my ears would be pricked because anyone who sells these things clearly has a biased interest, they aren't going to make a lot of money off me if I purchase supplements elsewhere.

I know he wants to find out what is wrong but be careful about being taken by quacks.

[Wisconsin Beth]

DH got 4 of the tests done yesterday. He's waiting for kits for the other 2. We're hoping they come in today or tomorrow's mail. He's found a lab that can do them at one of the hospitals and I think it's open 24/7 (not sure about New Year's Eve though.) So as long as the kits come, he should be able to get them in this year.

Christmas went pretty good. I cleaned like a fiend on Christmas Eve day while the kids were at my sister's house. Both sets of grandparents were over to watch the kids open their presents, then on Christmas Day we went to MIL's for more presents and brunch. DH was kind of cranky but I decided I wasn't going to let him mood affect mine and focused on enjoying the holiday. Not always easy but on the whole I feel ok about how I did. On New Year's Day we go by my family for a delayed Christmas party. I still have shopping to do for that but it's mainly gift cards for assorted teenagers.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I know drama. It's a concern. I think DH is going to start with their supplements. If they're too expensive or not effective, he'll go to something else.

[anciana]

Beth, I am glad you had a nice holiday weekend. I was wondering how you were doing as holidays can be extra stressful. Good for you for deciding not to give in to hubby's crankiness

[MittenKitten]

Hey Beth: Hope all is going well. I am here in MN so I understand about the alcohol thing. In fact most of my cousins are recovering, my grandfather had an issue and we don't know about my dad's father since he took off when he was 2 or 3 Years old....

You are strong believe it. DH may also be dealing with depression himself with his health issues. My DF was unemployed for 2 years and that really messed with his mind. And I had issues with him because he hardly did anything.....

DF and I started going out on date night every other week, it is strange to begin with since we haven't done so in YEARS. With a 5 YO nonverbal autistic kid with sensory issues you just can't hire the local baby sitter. I am hoping it will help my feelings for him and our relationship.

I thought about going to counceling earlier this year (I can go under my son's disabilility medical assistance with no copays) but really don't have the time even if I were to go.... Also I hear ya on not being able to watch what you want because YOU have to deal with the kids while your partner sits on his ass watching the tube....

[kittensaver]

Hello Wisconsin Beth! Long-time lurker here who has enjoyed your posts and has life experience that makes me uber-empathize with you. This place changed my life:

www.wecarespa.com

Save up your dimes and dollars for a week-long mental, spiritual, physical and emotional detox in the desert (heck, even Jesus ran away to the desert for 40 days!). I went there with a triple diagnoses of Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrom/Depression and Multiple Chemical Sensitivities. I wasn't "cured" in a week, but I did leave temporarily pain-free (until i went back to some of my old lack-of-self-care habits and had to self-correct). I still try to go there once a year for a "tune up." I love my home, my DH, my job and my family, but there's just something about kicking the world in the backside for a week that is so rejuvenating . . . Hugs and love to you.

[naggie1972]

Hi Bethie, hope you day is going well. Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you.

[mizbear]

HUGS Beth!

Being both the caregiver and the one being cared for I can say this-

YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN!

I know that with my illness I am not easy to deal with at times and I know there are times that I have wanted to throw my hands up tell everyone around me to get on the slow, sinking boat to China and run off screaming into the night- never to return. The past year with DGM and DM has been especially like that.

I understand about the alcohol. When I am manic- I feel an urge to do 3 things- eat junk food, spend money, and drink large quantities of alcohol- mostly hard liquor. I wasn't told when I was younger that there were alcohol problems in my family history.

I keep a file of things about my mental health stuff- affirmations, stress reduction tricks etc where I can get my hands on it- but in a generally secure location. I also try to journal.

And if nothing else- lock yourself in the bathroom or a closet for 5 minutes with a piece of good chocolate!

You know I am here- just yell if you need me.

[Deleted]

WTH kind of Doctor is Wis-Beth's DH going to that he 'sells' supplements & has to 'order test kits'? Despite some interesting illnesses in my family, I have never hear of a Dr having to order test kits rather than sending you to a blood draw lab to have the tests done. Are you in a small town that does not have access to normal services?

For your situation, heck yes you should still be seeing the therapist in January. WHY does everyone & everything else come first? You need to prioritize your care of yourself. It is no less important than any treatment your DH needs. I'd put a lot more stock in the results you will get than packets of supplements that you seem to be okay spending the money on for DH. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but get a clue & put some more value on yourself!!!!

[naggie1972]

Miralax is great, but expensive I think for constipation. You can mix it in with a wide variety of drinks.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I've tried locking myself in the bathroom - I either end up with one or both kids knocking on the door wanting me... Caleb right now seems to need/want me more in that he'll come and take me by the hand and lead me to the living room or wherever to sit/play with me. It's sweet but last night I just wanted 10 minutes to eat my pizza while it was still sort of hot, without a child on my lap. Didn't happen. And then Keira upended her milk (on purpose) before I could get a lid on the cup. Milk all over the kitchen table and on my winter coat.

Rock It, he's seeing a naturapathic doctor (who does have a medical degree). Our regular pharmacy didn't have the kits either. We're in a fairly large metropolitan area. As for why, there's a certain amount of money to go around. The bills come first; then dcp; then the optional stuff like DH's supplements and me seeing the therapist (my prescription is NOT optional and will be continued no matter what.) Our health insurance costs are going up and this is the first time either of us has had to deal with deductibles and OOP costs. So we're slightly confused on how it's going to actually work in the real world and trying to shut down costs in Jan. while we figure it out. We're not exactly a financial train wreck but if there was a list of candidates in YM for potential train wrecks, I think we'd be in the running for top 50-75 or so...

[Wisconsin Beth]

Ok, I've been dealing with a scratchy/sore/swollen throat the last week or so and DH suggested one of his supplements. It's a huge dose of vitamin C. It has a side effect of loosening ones bowels. So even though I'm sick, I'm more regular than I was the last couple of weeks. ;D

I did see Liz on 12/30. We talked about Christmas and what's been going on. Oh, she also got the lowdown on my 2 bffs, one of whom is my 2nd mom. She seemed fascinated by them but then again, she's paid to be fascinated by everything I say... ;D

I have homework to do.
1. I have to stop undermining DH with the kids. He's perfectly capable of handling them and I have to stop taking over when they want Mommy over Daddy and I'm in the middle of something. Obviously it's different when they're hysterical/sick/whatever. And we need to integrate DH into stuff with the kids more. So when DD is insistent on wanting me, she gets both of us. Also, not homework exactly but we need to be consistent. Liz pointed out a study involving rats and pushing levels and said the the best behavior reinforcer was rats pushing the lever that sometimes generated a snack (and then she said she didn't mean that my kids are rats and I told her they're guinea pigs as we fumble our way...)

2. DH and I need to set up times to talk, without kids interrupting. He can't read my mind. And I can't read his. So we need to talk more. And have date nights, even if they're not exciting things.

3. I need to reconnect with my bffs. And I need to TAKE/MAKE the time to go do something I enjoy. Liz says I'm empty and I need to refill my well of happiness (that's not how she put it, it's just the easiest way to explain it.) So yes, set up spa day. Contact sroo and go for tea/coffee. Take an hour on the weekends to go do something just for me.

And we talked about signs to look for in me needing to come back sooner rather than later. A sense of hopelessness is the biggest one. And she said that if I feel like there's a glass/clear wall in between me and the stuff I love which I can't break though, that's another big one that means I need to come back.

Oh, and here's an odd thing. Right now I don't seem to physically be able to cry. I've had a couple of sad times where I expected I'd cry and no tears. I asked the pharmacist about it, and she said it's not a side effect that she's aware of. And Liz basically said a couple of times isn't statistically worth anything but if it keeps up, then there might be an issue. I expect to cry when I put my dog down in the next couple of weeks so if I can't cry over losing her, then I'll call my doctor and talk about it.

But overall, I'm feeling better right now. I have good days and bad days but overall, I think I'm doing better. Liz used the phrase "trending upward" which seemed right.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Had an interesting to good talk with DH last night. He had a review type meeting at work and it shook some things loose for him, is probably the best way to put it.

We both think he's depressed. Once of the tests he had done last week was doing something in checking for serotonin. We're assuming that will reveal that his levels are low or something. But I asked him Liz's questions about happiness, which resulted in No, he's not really happy. No, he's not doing anything that's bringing him happiness. And he's going to start thinking of things that do make him happy and we'll try to figure out a way to add those into our life as well as things that make me happy. Tomorrow I think I'm taking the kids to the Domes (http://county.milwaukee.gov/MitchellParkConserva10116.htm), he may come too. The Zoo's also an option, depending on the weather. But doing those will make me happy, so 1 of them will happen.

We also came to the conclusion that things started going downhill in late 2009. A LOT has happened since then, some of which we've dealt with, some of which we obviously haven't.

Later on, we talked about my fantasy of being alone on a island with a lot of books and chocolate and a warm sandy beach. He doesn't think about stuff like that because in his mind, it means something either I left him or the kids and I died. He wasn't implying I wanted him or the kids gone, it was just how he thinks right now. Whereas for me, it's a dream about no responsibility at all.

I talked to my bff/2nd mom yesterday. She's in for spa day. I need to talk to my other bff still about it. And my SIL. And I need to talk to my Mom about watching the kids that week because I didn't realize that was the week I was asking her to watch the kids 3 days instead of 1. I think she'll take 2 days but we need to talk/confirm dates. I alerted dcp that that week was likely going from 2 days to 3-4 this morning. She's fine with that.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Yeah, it won't be this weekend but hopefully in the next couple of weeks we can meet at the Alterea on 92nd and North for tea/coffee.

Eventually I'll PM you again to set it up. lol.