Jokes

[Peace Of Mind]

Feb 17, 2011 0:56:53 GMT -5 TD2K said:

I never complain when it comes up

Neither do I!

[TD2K]

You're so bad PoM. But soooooo good

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

[gambler]

A man goes into the government office in Tehran and asks to speak to an official about emigrating to America.
"OK" the clerk says, "So you want to leave and live in America. Why do you want to do this? Are you not happy with your Government?"
"I have no complaints", replied the man.
"Then perhaps you do not like your job?"
"I have no complaints" again replied the man.
"Are you not happy with your wives? They only let you have one wife in America"
"I have no complaints" the man said a third time.

The clerk, obviously a little frustrated, then says "If you are so happy with your job and your wives and your government, then why do you want to leave the great contry of Iran to live in America?"

"Because there, I can have complaints"

[gambler]

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."
The husband says, "What about one my size?"

His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"

The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction."

[gambler]

I don't understand women. After our last child was born, My wife told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be

[gambler]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"

"You'll see", says his dad.

They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."

"We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

[ummboutthat]

MD = 41

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks: "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies. "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says: "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties," he said.
The woman giggles and replies: "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains: "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[Peace Of Mind]

The other stall:

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,

But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell them

"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions


Cell phones, don't you just love them!

[ummboutthat]

A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

[ummboutthat]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was
too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step,
only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large

Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[Peace Of Mind]

That Old Tex is such a gentleman!

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

[ummboutthat]

mad_dawg_wiccan you viscous pit bull that spits = 44

I'm dying laughing over this joke!!!


This is the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots.

Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking,
one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to
your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.
While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and then they
both start begging you for a ride home.

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her
shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips
your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.


You've been warned!!! Be careful!!!

[gambler]

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE

In case you didn't already know this little tidbit of
trivia, it might make you chuckle when you read it.

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR
MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE
MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL
STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO
EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC
REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING
SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN
OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE
'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS
JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING
QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-
YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW
ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS
PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT
THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM
WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD
MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR
WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY.

[gambler]

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[gambler]

A female reporter was conducting



an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?

[gambler]

An elderly couple, still very loving


after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

Feb 20, 2011 21:07:15 GMT -5 gambler said:

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Karma - I'm HOH!

[ummboutthat]

wow
no karma for my warning joke?
guess my since of humor is different cause I find it hilarious!!!

[gambler]

The first kid comes up to her and says “Mommy, why did you call me Rose?”
And the mother said, “When you were a baby, I dropped a rose on your head.”
And then the second kid comes up to her and says “Mommy, why did you call me Daisy?”
And the mother said, “When you were a baby, I dropped a daisy on your head.”
And then the third kid comes up to her and says “Rarrfgdxdb… garblefarbleblock”
And the mother said, “Not now, Brick.”

[gambler]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin.


As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”

[gambler]

A wife says to her friend < myspacetom


, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says, "Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."

[ummboutthat]

Why is it so hard to fool a snake?

Because you can’t pull its leg.






Read more: notmsnmoney.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=fun&thread=3803&page=3#149142

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

[ummboutthat]

;D I get the Joke!!

MD = 47

[WolfNoMate]

Medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls"

There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls". We've all heard about people having "Guts" or "Balls", but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and asking: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying: "You're next, Chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.


Medically speaking, (ask DebMD), there is no difference in the outcome of these two situations.




Both usually result in death...s l o w, agonizing, death.

[gambler]

Grandmother and her grandson sitting down for dinner when the Grandson says" Hey Gran , I cant find my pills have you seen them anywhere, there marked LSD,"
Grandmother turns and says fuck your pills boy we have bigger problems " check out the dragons in The Kitchen

[gambler]

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

[gambler]

It`s Harold`s first day


in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch.
He turns around and there she is, scowlng at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it.

Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning!"