Jokes

[Sammy]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady

her age,' the mother replied..
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the

two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's na me did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'

[Peace Of Mind]

HAHAHAHAHAHA That was too cute!

[Sammy]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick


8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Now, admit it... at least one of these made you smile.


***

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. ;D

[unrepentant_spendthrift]

LOL, Sammy...good ones in there Too bad the only ones i know are not PC

[Peace Of Mind]

US - Please go to the adult board and share them with us!

[unrepentant_spendthrift]

[kinetickid]

My favorite:

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy.

One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: “Hey buddy, how’s it goin down there in hell?”

Satan snickered back, “Things are going great actually. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there’s no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up.”

To which Satan replied, “No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I’m keepin him.”

God retorted, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs loudly and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?”

[ken a.k.a OMK]

Sam , I love them.

[ken a.k.a OMK]

kinetickid, I've heard that one and still laugh at it. I'm an engineer and my BIL is a lawyer/judge.

[Sammy]

LOL, good one, Kinetic. ;D

[Apple]

I'll probably screw this up, but here is one for all the seamtresses/sew-ers

A seamstress dies and wakes up in a large room. Surrounding her are tables and tables of the most beautiful fabrics she has ever seen. She starts to walk around and she finds more tables covered in beautiful lace, others have exotic beeds, the best sewing machines one can imagine. She walks over to a group of women and announces that she knows she has just died and gone to heaven! One of the women looks at her and replies, "No, hon, this is hell. There are no scissors."

[suzwantstobefree]

One from Church a few Sunday's ago:

God allows a man to ask three questions. The first one the man asks is - how much is a million dollars to you God? God's response is - it is but a penny. The second question is - how much time is a 100,000 years to you? God's response is - it is but a second. The Third question is - can I have a penny? God's response is - in a second. tee, hee.....

[ktunes]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[efco]

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.

"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"

"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"

[Sammy]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the
piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his freakin' wife.”

[ummboutthat]

Hmmm....ok

An American girl is traveling around the world when she bumps into an American man in a Greek bar. After striking up a pleasant conversation with the girl, he offers her $200 to sleep with him.
Short on cash, the American girl reluctantly agrees.
This goes on for four more nights before the girl decides she might as well get to know the guy a little better.
“Well,” the man says, I’m from Wisconsin.”
“Wow, so am I!” Says the girl
“And I’m from St. Cloud,” says the man
“So am I..!” says the girl, nervously.
“I know,” says the man.
“Your dad sent me here to give you $1,000. Enjoy the rest of your trip!”

[ktunes]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[ktunes]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[ummboutthat]

A Day Off

So you want the day off?
Let’s take a moment to look at what you’re asking for.
There are 365 days available for work
There are 52 weeks per year, of which you already have 2 days of each weekend off.
Leaving 261 days left available for work.
You spend 16 hours each day away from work, which accounts for 170 days off.
Leaving 91 days left available for work.
You spend 30 minutes each day on breaks, which accounts for 23 days a year.
Leaving 68 days left available for work.
You spend 1 hour a day at lunch that accounts for another 46 days per year.
Leaving 20 days left available for work.
You take 9 holidays per year.
Leaving 11 days left available for work.
You take 10 days vacation each year.
Leaving 1 day left available for work.
There is no way are you going to have to take that day off!

[ummboutthat]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs.
Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied, "Put it between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

[Sammy]

Colonoscopy


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."



"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."



"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."



"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."



"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."



All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, thelegs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...


The ass hole is usually in charge



If you don't send this to at least 8 people....
who gives a Shit

[MN-Investor]

Three candidates are interviewing for a position in the U.S. Special Forces: a Marine, a British SAS agent, and a Brooklyn nun.

The commander running the interview orders the Marine to come into the interview room first. Inside is a bound and blindfolded prisoner on a chair. The commander hands the Marine a gun and states, "I'm going to leave this room. Once I'm gone I want you to shoot this man in the head. When I come back into this room, I want him dead. You'll let me know when it's done. He might be an enemy of the state; he might be completely innocent. That's not for you to know."

With that, the commander walks out of the room and closes the door. The Marine is left staring at the captive who is helplessly bound and shaking in fear for his life.

After five minutes, the Marine comes out in tears.

"I can't do it, sir. I can't shoot an unarmed man that I don't know is guilty."

The commander looks displeased and tells him, "That's what I thought. You don't have what it takes. Get lost!"

In the same way, the commander invites the SAS agent into the room, gives him the same ultimatum, and leaves. After 15 minutes, the SAS agent comes out in tears.

"I had my finger on the trigger, but I just couldn't pull it," he says.

The commander tells him, "Pathetic! Another one that doesn't have what it takes. Get out of my sight!"

Finally, with some skepticism, the commander invites the Brooklyn nun into the room, hands her the gun, gives her the rundown, and leaves.

At first he hears nothing, but then... BANG! BANG!

He runs into the room to find the prisoner dead on the floor.

"What the hell happened?!?" he demands.

The Brooklyn nun straightens her habit and says, "Damn gun was firing blanks, so I had to beat him to death!"

[Peace Of Mind]

Great jokes!

[Befferz]

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called
Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived
on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought
one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group
of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could
even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being
dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent
another delagation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they
approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish.
Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another
land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The
Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre
saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the
mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered
why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.
The ogre laughed and replied:

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mickey stood in front of the judge in divorce court.

The judge told him "You cannot divorce Minnie just because she is crazy"

Mickey goes "I don't want to divorce her because she is crazy. Iam divorcing her because she is f-ing Goofy!"

[spydah]

Great jokes, but let's stick to short and sweet.

[ktunes]

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"

[ktunes]

Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
Her boyfriend was also blonde.

[NoNamePerson]

Ear Infection

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose...

[Sammy]

Should I really join Facebook?

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and ev ery other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."