Jokes

[Sammy]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

[ummboutthat]

Two couples were playing cards one evening. Marcus accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the
table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife, legs spread WIDE and was not wearing any underwear!

Later, Marcus went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked... "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" He admitted that, well, yes he did. She said..."You can have it, but it will cost you $500."

She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and Marcus doesn't, that Marcus should be at her
house around 2:00PM Friday afternoon.

Marcus shows up at 2:00PM sharp, gave her the $500..and they had sex. Afterwards Marcus quickly dresses and leaves.

Bill returned home from work. he asks his wife abruptly..."Did Marcus come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answers... "Why yes, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skips a beat when her husband asks... "And did he give you $500.00?" In terror she assumes she's somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face she replies... "Well, yes...in fact he did give me five hundred dollars.

"Good, I was hoping so. Marcus came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

[Sammy]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.



MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH??

[ummboutthat]

LOL! OK Baby Cakes that is funny!! ;D

Joe has a broken leg.
Mike comes over and asks “How you doing?”
Joe says “Do me a favor and run upstairs and get my slippers.”
Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe’s gorgeous 19-year old daughters.
He says, “your dad sent me up here to have sex with the both of you”
One girl replies, “Get out of here! prove it”
Mike shouts down –stairs. “Hey, Joe both of em’?
Joe shouts back “of course both of ‘em! What’s the point of fuck’n one?”

[Peace Of Mind]

UNIVERSAL LAWS


1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[ummboutthat]

CARDINAL RULE: Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks
her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for
contempt."

[Peace Of Mind]

Hampton, LMAO!!

[gambler]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"

[ummboutthat]

Excellent ...Thanks POM! maybe I can get my karma to 10?

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break
him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,
screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down .. and saw her husband was holding a battery
operated pleasure device... a vibrator...soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard" she screamed at him!!!
"How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"


The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:


"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

[ummboutthat]

The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an
Airplane..

The woman sneezed, took
Out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen
Seconds.

The man went back to his
Reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have
A cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.

Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said.

"Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[ummboutthat]

There was a blonde who was sick and tired of being ridiculed for being
blonde, so she decided to fix it by dying her hair brunette.

Well, she was driving along a country road one day when she saw a
Shepherd with his flock. She decided to see if she could pass as a brunette
and if she did indeed get any smarter.

She pulled over to the side of the road and asked the shepherd if she
Could guess how many sheep he had she could have one.

The shepherd thought this was an unusual request, but he agreed.
The blonde thought about it for a minute and said, "one hundred and
fifty."

The shepherd said she was right and that she could pick a sheep to take
home. She did and as she was putting it into the trunk of the car, the
shepherd stopped her and said, "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[MB-NY]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

>1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

>2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

>3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

>4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

>5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

>6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

>7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

>8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

>9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

>10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

>11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

>12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
>13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

[kent]

Two guys are out hunting and, as things sometimes happen, one of them gets bitten by a rattlesnake in a very delicate area. Not knowing what to do, the other guy leaves him and races to town to check with a doctor. The doctor explained that the thing to do with a snake bite is to lance it and suck out the poison. The guy goes back to his buddy who asks what needs to be done and the guy tells him it's too late, you're going to die.

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

A woman was standing naked before a mirror examining her breasts, bemoaning their small size.
Her husband tells her, "Try wiping them two or three times a day with toilet paper".
"WHAT??? How on Earth could that make my boobs bigger"?
"Well, it worked on your ass, didn't it"?








The funeral is next week.

[Genuine GA Peach]

an attractive blond from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet 20,000 Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped off all of her clothes, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers, gathered her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked the other, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."





THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blonds are dumb.
But all men are...






well, men

[ummboutthat]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural > > > pub somewhere in Maine. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks,

Running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

[TD2K]

A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach at Ft. Myers . She looked up and noticed that a man her
age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand
near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up
a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.

"I*m sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it
is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed
reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like
cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off
her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[ummboutthat]

Sorry TD2K I don't get it??
I've gotten into my Whiskey tonight!

ok I've got a clean no sex joke (my other clean one didn't go so well)

I went to the store the other day, and was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a Third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important!!!!

[Apple]

Three married men are out fishing. One of them says "My wife wouldn't let me go out today unless I got the house painted" The second one says "My wife wouldn't let me come today unless I gave her money to go shopping all day" After a few minutes of silence, they asked the third guy what he had to do to get to come today. "Well," he said, "I set my alarm clock for 4:00 this morning. When it went off I woke up the wife and asked 'sex or fishing?' She told me to wear a sweater."

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS for a guy?





















A: A pounding sensation in the ass.

[ummboutthat]

MAD-Dawg that is funny!! ;D

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on
his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said,
"that was my cousin and you've got two choices....either I maul you to death
or we have sex." after considering briefly, Frank decided to accept to the latter.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after,
there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge black bear stood right next to him.
The bear said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.

Again ,Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it took several months
before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant grizzly bear standing there.
The grizzly looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you
don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[TD2K]

LOL

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

[ummboutthat]

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened
to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all
empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer. "Is there anyone
here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the female
brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE
ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away ... "Hello - we're
all down here...."

[gambler]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple


stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.


By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before
they could find a place to turn around,
in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her,the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.


To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

[gambler]

man was driving down a


quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell.

A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

[gambler]

was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly


realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


...and how is your day going?

[ummboutthat]

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike the cop said. Did Santa bring it to you?
YEP – he sure did

The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.

The young boy looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there, sir. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse not on top.

[gambler]

A French woman is touring the United States...


A French woman is touring the United States when she develops a serious case of the crabs. She decides to go to a pharmacy and get some medicine for her condition. Her English is not very good and she tells the guy at the pharmacy counter, "I vould like some medicine that geet reed of bugs in de bush."

The pharmacist misunderstood her and told her to go over to section with lawn care products and select one of the strong insecticides. The French woman did as she was instructed and bought one of these products. In a week, she was back in the pharmacy. The pharmacist asked her if her condition was cleared up. "Why yes, eet is," she replied. "In fact all of de bugs in de bush are gone. My hair down there, eets gone too. And Pierre's moustache ... eet's gone too!"

[gambler]

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!



His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'