Jokes

[ummboutthat]

A lady looks out of her bedroom window and is surprised
to see a full grown gorilla in her tree. Wondering
what to do she looks in the phone book and, sure
enough, there is an ad for a gorilla removal service.
After introducing herself on the phone the man tells
her it will be no problem to remove the gorilla and
can she tell if it's male or female.

"Male for sure.", she replies.
"I'll be right out.", the man says.

After a few minutes the man shows up and removes a
stick, a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, and a Chihuahua
(very small Mexican dog) from the truck. He asked the
lady if she is willing to help him remove the gorilla.
She agrees.
He hands her the shotgun and explains:

"I will go up in the tree and poke the gorilla with
the stick. When he falls out of the tree the Chihuahua
will bite him in the private parts. When the gorilla
puts his hands down to protect himself, I'll put the
handcuffs on him and take him to the game preserve."

The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?".
The man replies, "If I fall out of the tree first,
shoot the Chihuahua."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

A Scottish lad was out for a stroll through the heather fields with his lass. After a while they stopped at a bench to take a rest. As they were sitting, she turned to him and asked what he wears under his kilt.

"Why don't you run your hand up there and find out?" he suggested.
"Ach no! She said - I canna!"
"It's okay", he encouraged. "There's nothing to fear".

So she slowly ran her hand up the inside of his leg and then suddenly gasped:

"Oh! It's gruesome!!" she screamed.

"Aye!" he replied. "And if you do that again, it'll grew some more"

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

There are three answers to the question "What is worn beneath a kilt?".

1. Shoes
2. Nothing is worn, it all works perfectly.
3. Lipstick

[ummboutthat]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him
to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error".
I didn't want to appear stupid, but had to ask, "What*s that..just in
case I need to fix it again".
Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No" I replied, getting rather annoyed.
"Write it down" he said "....you'll figure it out".

So I wrote down:





ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard

[ummboutthat]

oh man
this one may be a bad idea
since the women farrr out number the men here but here goes:


A woman speeding down the road is pulled over by a lady officer.
The officer asks for the woman’s drivers license.

After watching the woman fumble around for a few minutes, the exasperated officer says,

“Look, it’s square and has your picture on it.”
“Oh,,” says the woman, “here you go,”

and she hands the officer her pocket mirror.

The officer looks at the mirror and quickly hands it back, saying
“I’m sorry miss. I didn’t realize you were a police officer!”

[ummboutthat]

oh come on now! that last joke wasn't that bad???

ok so let's try another

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach...
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

[MN-Investor]

An oldie but a goodie -

OJ Simpson dies and goes to hell.

Satan walks up to him and says "We're completely full. There are three people behind these three doors and you must take over one of their jobs for all eternity."

Satan opens up Door #1. It's a guy chopping down a forest with just an ax. OJ says, "I can't do that for all eternity. I've got a bad shoulder from my playin' days."

Satan opens up Door #2. There is a man chained up, constantly being stabbed with spears. OJ says, "I can't do that for all eternity. That looks extremely painful."

Satan opens up Door #3. Bill Clinton is lying on a bed, smoking a cigar and getting a blow job from Monica Lewinsky. OJ says, "Now I can do that for all eternity!"

Satan replies, "Ok then. Monica, you're free to go!"

[jarhead1976]

why do women keep their eyes closed during sex? ...................................................... They hate to see a man having a good time.

[ummboutthat]

MN-Investor =6

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."


come on now that was a good 1 right??
if you like a joke and at least get a smile show sum karma - I do ;D

[MN-Investor]

Now, that one was good, hampton1120! Karma for you. I just had to read it to my DH. BTW, I have five sisters!

[ummboutthat]

This message has been deleted.
nah think this should be on Adult thread

[ummboutthat]

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ' Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

[kent]

A guy has a ticket to the Super bowl and when he gets there he notices there's a much better seat available next to a guy. He asks the guy if the seat was taken and the guy said no, it was my wife's but she died. the first guy says, couldn't you find a neighbor, friend or relative to join you for the game? He responded, no, they're all at the funeral.

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

[ummboutthat]

KENT ! Hilarious!
Kent =11

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, doing 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up the highway. He pushed the pedal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

[ummboutthat]

This message has been deleted.

Nah I rather pull this -than get hand slapped

[ummboutthat]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his student. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor look at them and told them, "the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

[ummboutthat]

WHY AM I SO TIRED???

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much/not
enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up,
poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I've found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for state and ity
governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.

[Peace Of Mind]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to
jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Peace Of Mind]

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.




The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would
be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know
you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write
it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning
to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on
Monday afternoon," he said..



On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and
said "Sir, there's no money in that account."


"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my
weekend!"



All Seniors Aren't Senile

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you would let me go piss, you'd be a ten!"

[ummboutthat]

POM when your Karma gets back into shape - IOU from me cause that wedding ring joke is top notch ;D




here's my Johnny joke
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.

' Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[TD2K]

My wife and I were camping in a beautiful national park. One morning, I was in the washroom shaving when the man next to me asked what I did for a living.

"I'm a juvenile-rehabilitation counselor," I replied.

After a slight pause, he responded, "Yep, I'm a parent, too."

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

A Lonely woman, age of 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

Husband wanted!
Must be in my age group (70's)
must not beat me,
must not run around on me,
and must be good in bed!
All applicants please apply in person.

on the second day she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, "Your not really asking me ot consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted, " You have no arms either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can i beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you good in bed?"

With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a broad smile and said "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[ummboutthat]

SL that is funny!
I'm looking for another but they are adult I guess
SL = 105

[ummboutthat]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by,
put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window,
looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid!

[Peace Of Mind]

LOL, Hampton! And thanks! I got you to 20 last night.

[ummboutthat]

Thanks POM! there was only 4 or 5 of us on-line last night when my 'Karma' went up!

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Columbia, and they see a
sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each!, shirts $2.00 each, trousers
$2.50 each. "

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of
these, take'em back to Hartwell, sell 'em to our friends, and make a
fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they
might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll
talk in a slow South Carolina drawl so's they don't know we's from
Georgia."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake South Carolina drawl, "I'll
take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00
each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each.
I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Georgia, ain't ya?"
"Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba..."How come you knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry cleaners"

[TD2K]

I never complain when it comes up