Jokes

[gambler]

Two Garbage Bags


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to thefootball stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his Thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

[TD2K]

My wife and I were standing in the line at the electronics counter of our local drugstore. A man at the front of the line said to the clerk, "I want one of those things that you put in the front of your car and it tells you where to go and how to get there."

"You need a wife!" I said.

[TD2K]

During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a pro- spective juror
some questions. "Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or
innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?"
"None whatsoever," Ferguson answered.
"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.
"Certainly not in this case."

[TD2K]

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex
anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this
upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life
is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of
pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental;
the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give
her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner
waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
bring dessert. He pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one
into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then
drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor
did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own
coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a
little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her
eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard
her use before, she looks at him seductively and says, "I need a
man... Right now!!"

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies,
"Me too..."

[TD2K]

The Economy Is So Bad...

Women are having sex with their husbands and boyfriends because they can't afford batteries.

Jury duty is now considered a good-paying job.

Banks are now mailing us pre-declined credit cards.

African TV now shows "sponsor an American child" commercials.

CEO's are playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

ATMs now give IOUs!

A stripper was bruised when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies.

Mormon polygamists now have only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds", you ask if they mean you or them.

McDonald's is now selling a quarter-ouncer.

Beverly Hills parents are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now worth only 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street".

[TD2K]

Dear Mom and Dad,



Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the

flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and

2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned

because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when

it happened.



Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.

He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.

We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the

lightning.



Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without

telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the

fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put

gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?



The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did.

Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until

his hair grows back.



We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed.

It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.

Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something

to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and

if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.



It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He lets us take turns riding in the trailer until the

highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.



Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.

In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads

where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.



This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and

swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me

because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because

of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.



It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water

from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.

He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot

of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.



Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.

When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a

tourniquet works.



Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was

just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick

that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and

became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get

things done better while he was doing his time.



By the way, what is a pedophile?



I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters

and buy Vaseline. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.



Love, Cole

[TD2K]

Did you hear about the new study that says, "Sex decreases your

chances of getting a cold?"

The more sex you have, the less chance you'll have a cold. Now every time a woman sneezes, I hear someone say,

"Hey, I got something for that."

[TD2K]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never

let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.



She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live

without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest

emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.



She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .



No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.

[TD2K]

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

[TD2K]

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

[DebMD (banned)]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[DebMD (banned)]

Second Opinion. A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.". The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.". "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

[DebMD (banned)]

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG." The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and is killed. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen

[DebMD (banned)]

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.

[DebMD (banned)]

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[DebMD (banned)]

A Lawyer's Affair. (Submitted by Dan Berkowitz) For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[DebMD (banned)]

Did you hear about the call girl that had to get her appendix out?
The doctor sewed up the wrong hole and now she's making money on the side.

[DebMD (banned)]

If an operation to remove the appendix is an appendectomy, what is the name of the procedure that transforms a woman into a man?
An add-a-dick-to-me.

[DebMD (banned)]

Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
They have shaky hands!

[WolfNoMate]

Feb 24, 2011 23:55:37 GMT -5 DebMD (banned) said:

Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
They have shaky hands!

Why do old men prefer old women with Parkinsons?

Same reason!

[nicomachus]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four
separate jars.

The first worm was put
into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a
container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a
container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the
Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in
alcohol...Dead.
The second worm in cigarette
smoke...Dead.

Third worm in chocolate
syrup...Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean
soil...Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation,
What did you learn from this
demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!

[kimber45]

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!

Read more: www.notmsnmoney.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=fun&action=display&thread=3925#ixzz1Ez0hENMx

Well I guess I will be "worm free" for a long time then

[moon/Laura]

bumping so that those who want to post jokes can find it..

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

Y'all might be a redneck if.....

Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You've been too drunk to fish. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before flush it!"

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".

Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".

You can belch and say your name at the same time.

The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions.

Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.

[WolfNoMate]

Chewing Gum

A Southerner is having his breakfast (coffee, eggs, grits, biscuits, and jelly) when a Northerner, chewing obnoxiously on gum, sits down next to him.

The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole slice?"

Southerner : "Yep."

Northerner: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up North, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South."

The Northerner has a smirk on his face. The Southerner listens in silence.

The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jelly with biscuits?"

Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) "We don't. Up North after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jelly, and then send it down South."

Then the Southerner asks: "Y'all have sex up North?"

Northerner: "Why of course we do," the Northerner says, as he pops another big bubble.

Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use 'em?"

Northerner: "We throw them away, of course."

Southerner: "We don't. Down South we put 'em in a jar, recycle 'em, melt'em down into chewing gum and sell it to you Northerners."

[Virgil Showlion]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

As the keeper approached, the men addressed him, "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Right. So... why can't these guys play at night?"

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

Three pregnant women (one blonde, one brunette, one redhead) are sitting in the waiting room of their OB/GYN. The brunette says to the others, "I know I'm going to have a boy because he was on top". The redhead replies, "I know I'm going to have a girl because I was on top". At this, the blonde burst into tears. When the other women ask her what's the matter, she wails, "I'm going to have PUPPIES"!

[WolfNoMate]

He Said…She Said

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'. She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She Said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

and the number 1 "He said...She said"..

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.

[NoNamePerson]

Thought of MM when I saw this
Important Women's Health Issue:

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.