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THE ONION

Zoo Gorilla Looks Bored Out Of Mind Reading ‘Wuthering Heights’
Poor Ape Struggling With Tedious Emily Brontë Novel

CHICAGO—Observing the 300-pound captive ape from the other side of his enclosure, Lincoln Park Zoo guests expressed empathy this week for western lowland gorilla Nzinga, who looked bored out of his mind reading Wuthering Heights.

Concerned visitors reported seeing the 26-year-old silverback resting his head on his hairy fist as he stared down at the pages of the classic tale about social class, passion, and revenge, which, with the exception of a few plants and rocks, was seemingly the only enrichment item within the exhibit at his disposal. According to sources, Nzinga’s posture slumped lower and lower throughout the afternoon as he plodded through the turgid prose of the 1847 gothic novel by Emily Brontë.

“Poor thing. Imagine being forced to sit in a cage all day with nothing to do but read about Heathcliff pacing around a mansion and growing bitter with resentment through the years,” said 43-year-old Elmhurst, IL resident Angela Kreusler, who sighed and shook her head as she watched the great ape fidget with the corner of a page. “It’s such a shame. Gorillas need constant stimulus. You can tell he’s not engaged. Just look at the way he yawns every time he turns a page.”

“Can’t they at least give him a Jack Reacher book or something?” added Kreusler, crossing her arms in indignation.

Zoo visitors told reporters they feared that the inadequate living conditions in the enclosure would cause further suffering for the gorilla, observing that Nzinga was less than one-third of the way through the novel and had ahead of him hundreds of pages detailing the tedious and confusing lives of Cathy, Catherine, Heathcliff, Linton Heathcliff, Hindley, and Hareton, among numerous other impossible-to-keep-track-of characters.

“Locking up animals like this without any other entertainment options is simply immoral and cruel,” said 29-year-old William Torres, who pledged to never return to any zoo after taking in the depressing sight of the gorilla nearly nodding off while reading the novel. “I just wish I could reach in there and hand him the SparkNotes. He doesn’t even have access to a family tree explaining how those living at Thrushcross Grange and Wuthering Heights are related to each other. No wonder he’s so miserable.”

At press time, animal rights activists were demanding zookeepers give Nzinga an electronic device so he could watch videos or play Doodle Jump.

Zoo Gorilla Looks Bored Out Of Mind Reading ‘Wuthering Heights’

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[NoNamePerson]

I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.