Jokes

[Opti]

Humor for the day if love SNL skits.
Video at link.


www.msn.com/en-us/video/peopleandplaces/top-20-snl-impressions-done-in-front-of-the-actual-person/vi-BB1pVv12?ocid=msedgdhp&pc=DCTS&cvid=3668475cecc34deca3913b74808f74e5&ei=73

[Artemis Windsong]

In the local news .... Woman Foils Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol:

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol A Beretta Jetfire. Here’s her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!"
"Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus.

[Opti]

Jul 21, 2024 12:18:33 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

In the local news .... Woman Foils Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol:

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol A Beretta Jetfire. Here’s her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!"
"Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus.

Where is this from? Funny.
Maks me think the shooter at the rally let himself get killed then because he didn't want to deal with the people who would be pissed he missed by that .25 inch or whatever is the actual truth.

  I hate July. I hate misinformation. 
Waiting on tomorrow for the real investigation to begin. Lots of vacations so who knows if any news is real or massive retractions
will show up Monday and Tuesday. I remember when the RW found the wrong Trayvon Martin and plastered his image and social media pages everywhere including FOX News and other TV shows with nationwide reach.

[Opti]

Anyone remember this commercial?

[Opti]

[Tennesseer]

[Tennesseer]

[Tennesseer]

[toomuchreality]

Jul 28, 2024 15:15:28 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Haha 🤣

[Tennesseer]

[NoNamePerson]

Think this may be a repeat but blame it on old age!!


Misunderstanding due to old age.


An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says, “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”


The old man dials his son. As he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says, “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”


The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep. Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins."

[toomuchreality]

Previously posted? IDK...

I can not shop at Costco anymore :-)))))
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

[Tennesseer]

[toomuchreality]

Hmm... ?

[Opti]

Plastic straw, not sure who the defendant is.

[Opti]

Aug 8, 2024 8:51:44 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Think this may be a repeat but blame it on old age!!


Misunderstanding due to old age.


An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says, “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”


The old man dials his son. As he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says, “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”


The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep. Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins."

I think I remember it but it is welcome today so TY.

[Opti]

Aug 5, 2024 9:25:28 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Oh nooz. TRex cartoons. 

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

That's HARSH! 😁

[NoNamePerson]

 I know!!

[toomuchreality]

🤣🤣🤣

[Opti]

Aug 19, 2024 13:01:15 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

 I know!!

I remember this one NNP. Aren't cookies a necessity even if you are dying?

[Opti]

[Opti]

Right?

[Opti]

[Opti]

[Opti]

This needs to be in NNP's kitchen -

[NoNamePerson]

Aug 19, 2024 21:01:38 GMT -5 Opti said:

This needs to be in NNP's kitchen -

I have a Christmas decoration that says Define Naughty.