Jokes

[Opti]

[Opti]

[toomuchreality]

Enter password:

"ScoobyDoo"

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

[Tennesseer]

[NoNamePerson]

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.  She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"  The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.


She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."  "But I didn't use them."  'Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."  "But I didn't go to any of those shows.."  "Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.  After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.  "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"  "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."  "But I didn't!" 

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." 🤣


Author Unknown

[NoNamePerson]

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues at the country club.

When all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler comes out of nowhere and takes off the driver's side door, just as the lawyer is reaching for the handle to close it and get on his way.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

In very short order the police arrive on scene, and the lawyer immediately runs up to them yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

Recognizing the accident victim from arraignment court, one of the officers asks "You're a lawyer aren't you?" “Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic." All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the officer says.


The lawyer looked down at his side and cries out, "WHERE THE H**L DID MY ROLEX GO!"

[Opti]

[NoNamePerson]

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 feet 8",' I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'7".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

'Of course, it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac.


What a witch!

[Tennesseer]

I've found that nowadays most people don't like holding hands in public.

Especially if they don't know you.

[Opti]

Possible future?

[NoNamePerson]

Jun 14, 2024 17:28:12 GMT -5 Opti said:

Possible future?

[Tennesseer]

[NoNamePerson]

[toomuchreality]

Jun 18, 2024 21:49:11 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

I wonder if she got a coupon for free product? 😉

[Tennesseer]

[toomuchreality]

Haha.

[Opti]

[Opti]

[NoNamePerson]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand-new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

PS don’t try to find me. Your SISTER, Carla, & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
.

.

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping, too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if I can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers, I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So, when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone ... Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Your Free and Rich EX-Wife


PS … I hope you and my SISTER have a great life.

By-The-Way, did she tell you her name usee to be 'Carl' before her operation?....

[Opti]

[Opti]

I remember this one. 


Published: September 26, 1985


img-s-msn-com.akamaized.net/tenant/amp/entityid/BB1oYkqx.img?w=534&h=673&m=6

[Opti]

I don't think Virgil was old enough to help Gary Larson with this.





Published: September 30, 1985

[Opti]

  



Published: April 20, 1984

[Opti]

Actual Slogan: N/A



Honest Slogan: “Where it takes seven words to say coffee.”

www.msn.com/en-us/money/personalfinance/if-brands-were-brutally-honest-they-d-have-these-hilarious-slogans/ss-AA1cKtgR?ocid=msedgntp&pc=DCTS&cvid=4fdefc2f5a5047b5b10c4607606d003d&ei=102#image=7
x many

[Opti]

[Opti]

[Opti]

There is some really funny stuff in the ALF TV show. If you like riffs on the federal govt, give Episode 4 season 1 a listen.


tubitv.com/tv-shows/645671/s01-e04-pennsylvania-6-5000

4:40 to 5:13 ends on a great line

No, we all plugged our hair dryers in at the same time (AlF)
In response to how his planet died.

[Opti]

"I Was So Poor, My Rich Aunt Died; In The Will, I Owed Her $20"


The key to many of Rodney Dangerfield’s best one-liners is a punchline that exaggerates the situation of the set-up as a complete 180 of the more realistic outcome. Thus, in this bit, instead of receiving an inheritance from a deceased relative, she bills him.


www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/27-absolutely-ridiculous-rodney-dangerfield-one-liners/ss-BB1peMXn?ocid=msedgntp&pc=DCTS&cvid=7bb17e50435c45c7a290dd938d635196&ei=44#image=2


 Although not that unrealistic. My grandmother on my mother's side kept insisting I  pay her back some money which was less than $100. I had proof I had done so, and might be the reason I have really old bank statements in case someone claims something that isn't true. She did this to me repeatedly. This was prior to when she went to be in a facility. Physically she was wicked strong and a terror to other residents.

[Opti]

"Good Teacher. He Really Seems To Care. About What, I Have No Idea"

[Opti]

"Last Week, My House Was On Fire. My Wife Told The Kids, 'Be Quiet. You'll Wake Up Daddy’”

www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/27-absolutely-ridiculous-rodney-dangerfield-one-liners/ss-BB1peMXn?ocid=msedgntp&pc=DCTS&cvid=7bb17e50435c45c7a290dd938d635196&ei=44#image=23


You would assume Dangerfield had a terrible home life if you took all of his jokes about his family as factual. This stand-up bit, suggesting that the comedian’s wife planned to murder him by burning their home down, is one of his best self-effacing roasts related to the topic.