Jokes

[tigerpause]

[Tennesseer]

Not even a bad Dad joke.

[toomuchreality]

Mar 24, 2024 12:06:13 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Not even a bad Dad joke.

It's true. I found that amusing!

[NoNamePerson]

[Tennesseer]

[Tennesseer]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.

"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.

"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.

"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.

"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[Tennesseer]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."..

[NoNamePerson]

[Tennesseer]

Not a written joke but a video.  Your eyes are not bad.  14 year old video so a little bit grainy.

[Tennesseer]

And this one should give you a few laughs today.

[toomuchreality]

Apr 5, 2024 10:35:03 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."..

🤣🤣🤣

[NoNamePerson]

[Tennesseer]

Ryan Gosling was the SNL host last night.  For the cold opening skit, they reprised a previous story from a few years back when Ryan Gosling was also the host.  Kate McKinnon was also in the skit last night and in the previous story skit with Ryan Gosling a few years back.   They played the same characters in last night's opening and the previous skit from a few years back.

[Tennesseer]

A jokester friend of mine is getting remarried.  I was thinking this would make a good wedding gift.  Thoughts?

[Tennesseer]

[Tennesseer]

And another skit from this past SNL show in case you missed it.  I like how the actors break character throughout the skit.

[Opti]

I’m working in the produce section, stocking some new bananas, and a customer comes over to me.



Customer: “Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?”



Me: “No, sir, I didn’t know that.”



Customer: “It’s totally true. Think about it. When was the last time you ate a monkey?”



Me: “That’s… I…”



Customer: “This is why I shouldn’t shop without the wife…” *Wanders off*


notalwaysright.com/these-dad-jokes-are-getting-bananas/330115/

[Tennesseer]

[tigerpause]

[NoNamePerson]

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 feet 8",' I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'7".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

'Of course, it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac.


What a witch!

[Tennesseer]

Apr 28, 2024 8:47:41 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 feet 8",' I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'7".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

'Of course, it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac.


What a witch!

My PCP knows I have White Coat high blood pressure. He knows to talk to me about anything other than check-in health states including blood pressure being a bit high. After about ten minutes of general chatter, he will check my blood pressure and it is normal.

[Tennesseer]

Apr 28, 2024 9:07:59 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Apr 28, 2024 8:47:41 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 feet 8",' I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'7".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

'Of course, it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac.


What a witch!

My PCP knows I have White Coat high blood pressure. He knows to talk to me about anything other than check-in health states including blood pressure being a bit high. After about ten minutes of general chatter, he will check my blood pressure and it is normal.

A funny thing is I have zero fear of dentists like some others do. That my dad was a dentist allowed me to never worry/fear a visit to a dentist my whole life.

[NoNamePerson]

[Tennesseer]

Apr 28, 2024 16:40:00 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

[NoNamePerson]

Little Girl Answers House Phone)

"Hello?"

"Hi honey this is Daddy Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Norman"

** After a brief pause **

The Daddy says, "You haven't got an Uncle Norman"

The little girl responds, "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now…"

“They must be playing a game, Daddy. I hear them groaning and giggling.”

** Brief Pause **

The father says to her slowly, "Okay then, this is what I want you to do: put the phone down on the table, run upstairs knock on the bedroom door lowdly, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"OK Daddy, Just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it, Daddy"

He asks her, "And what happened, honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed, and ran around screaming then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she is crying with a bump on her head.”

The man asks, "What about your Uncle Norman?"

The little girl responds, "He jumped out of the bed too. He was so scared that he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool - I guess he didn't know that you emptied the water last week to clean it.”

She continued, “He must have been VERY tired from their game because when he jumped into the empty pool, he just decided to lay there and take a nap.”

*****Long Pause*****

Then the Daddy says, "Swimming pool…”

** Another Pause **

“Is this 867-5309…?"

"No"

"𝐎𝐊. 𝐒𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲, 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐧𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫.” 

[Tennesseer]

[NoNamePerson]

[NoNamePerson]

WELL...Unfortunately, the cost of living has finally affected me financially.

In order to offset the extra cost for food, electricity, etc. I have a need to make some extra money on the side...it is what it is.

So here’s to my new venture.

So...I am now proud to announce that I am selling ADULT TOYS. I hope no one will feel embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes, and styles according to your needs.

I can send pictures and dimensions etc. Just ask. Discretion is guaranteed!!

Ask for yours anytime. I have everything listed below:


-Walkers

-Wheelchairs

-Oxygen tanks

-Walking sticks

-Adult diapers

-Teeth glue

-Heating pads and more

[billisonboard]

The other day in the high school cafeteria a kid told me he was doing ketchup testing that day. Later I asked him what he thought of the new ketchup and he gave me a funny look. It took a minute but we finally figured out it was him doing "catch up testing" because he had been absent.  

[NoNamePerson]