tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Mar 22, 2024 19:52:48 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 24, 2024 12:06:13 GMT -5
Not even a bad Dad joke.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Mar 24, 2024 12:09:47 GMT -5
Not even a bad Dad joke. It's true. I found that amusing!
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Mar 25, 2024 22:59:00 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Mar 26, 2024 11:59:49 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 5, 2024 10:30:58 GMT -5
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.
"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.
"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 5, 2024 10:35:03 GMT -5
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."..
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 7, 2024 20:44:22 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 9, 2024 16:07:39 GMT -5
Not a written joke but a video. Your eyes are not bad. 14 year old video so a little bit grainy.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 12, 2024 10:57:53 GMT -5
And this one should give you a few laughs today.
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toomuchreality
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Jokes
Apr 12, 2024 18:23:07 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by toomuchreality on Apr 12, 2024 18:23:07 GMT -5
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.".. 🤣🤣🤣
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 13, 2024 9:10:02 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 14, 2024 11:26:23 GMT -5
Ryan Gosling was the SNL host last night. For the cold opening skit, they reprised a previous story from a few years back when Ryan Gosling was also the host. Kate McKinnon was also in the skit last night and in the previous story skit with Ryan Gosling a few years back. They played the same characters in last night's opening and the previous skit from a few years back.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 14, 2024 11:45:36 GMT -5
A jokester friend of mine is getting remarried. I was thinking this would make a good wedding gift. Thoughts?
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 19, 2024 16:13:24 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 19, 2024 16:14:34 GMT -5
And another skit from this past SNL show in case you missed it. I like how the actors break character throughout the skit.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Apr 20, 2024 7:11:44 GMT -5
I’m working in the produce section, stocking some new bananas, and a customer comes over to me. Customer: “Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?” Me: “No, sir, I didn’t know that.” Customer: “It’s totally true. Think about it. When was the last time you ate a monkey?” Me: “That’s… I…” Customer: “This is why I shouldn’t shop without the wife…” *Wanders off* notalwaysright.com/these-dad-jokes-are-getting-bananas/330115/
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 20, 2024 12:56:53 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Apr 28, 2024 2:07:13 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 28, 2024 8:47:41 GMT -5
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 feet 8",' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'7".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course, it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac.
What a witch!
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Apr 28, 2024 9:07:59 GMT -5
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 feet 8",' I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'7". She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. 'Of course, it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!' She put me on Prozac. What a witch! My PCP knows I have White Coat high blood pressure. He knows to talk to me about anything other than check-in health states including blood pressure being a bit high. After about ten minutes of general chatter, he will check my blood pressure and it is normal.
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Tennesseer
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Apr 28, 2024 9:31:35 GMT -5
Post by Tennesseer on Apr 28, 2024 9:31:35 GMT -5
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 feet 8",' I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'7". She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. 'Of course, it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!' She put me on Prozac. What a witch! My PCP knows I have White Coat high blood pressure. He knows to talk to me about anything other than check-in health states including blood pressure being a bit high. After about ten minutes of general chatter, he will check my blood pressure and it is normal. A funny thing is I have zero fear of dentists like some others do. That my dad was a dentist allowed me to never worry/fear a visit to a dentist my whole life.
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