trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Apr 5, 2011 12:06:42 GMT -5
WWBG - it's really hard to find some sort of balance with all the daily life errands and chores. Most likely nobody really wants to do them. It was natural for us to let DH take care of the outside of the property and all of the repairs to our home and car. It took more time and compromise for us to work out something for everything else. I am currently the one that is more time pressed, as I work full time and have a fairly long commute. I do the laundry and most of the grocery shopping, DH does most of the cooking. DH also started doing a lot more of the grocery shopping, simply because he had more time, I would say it's about 50/50 now. He generally takes care of the garage, his office and the bathroom he uses. I do most of the other cleaning, although he will vacuum when things get messy (our dog sheds like crazy and we really have to vacuum a lot to keep things clean). He will get on cleaning sprees and really deep clean the kitchen and windows in the house. He also washed all of the horse blankets the other day. It's always evolving and changing and we tend to work fairly well as a team in this way. I do admit that there were times in the past when I would work all week and spend a good portion of the weekend running errands and doing household chores and it used to really piss me off, because DH had a lot more free time than I did. Once I got my horse, we tried really hard to balance things a little bit better because I wanted to spend time on the weekend riding and he understood that. I have also learned that having the cleanest, neatest home on the planet is not the be all, end all in life. Sometimes I just have something more exciting or fun to do and I'm not going to pass it up to clean the house. I used to be a lot more anal about the house being spotless. I do make sure to pick up the main areas before I go to bed. I don't like waking up to a mess, but I also understand that there is limited time and I would like to spend it living my life, not working 24/7, so if the house is a little messy for a day or two, it's ok.
Also, as you know by my posts, my DH is a procrastinator, so if the lawn doesn't get cut the exact day I want it to, I don't have a tantrum. I have learned to accept this, because I know how important the outside appearance of the house is to him as well and I know that he will get it done.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 5, 2011 12:14:31 GMT -5
...:::"Also, as you know by my posts, my DH is a procrastinator, so if the lawn doesn't get cut the exact day I want it to, I don't have a tantrum.":::...
I know, I was just responding to Firebird's chore question. Specifically, I resent being called a procrastinator when the reason I didn't do something is because I was doing something else.
These are the times that I am tempted to say I will just stop doing all chores, and suddenly she can see just how much I do.
Whether or not we really "don't have time" is anyone's guess. I know everyone blames time, but then they manage to find time for other "wasteful" things. I have my moments where I just stop caring about something because nobody will die over it. I need time for myself too.
I think though its more about how I'm asked or made to feel. If DF comes instantly in with the "I wanted this done 5 seconds ago and now I'm mad" type of attitude, then of course I'm going to get defensive and start in with the "I work all the time and never have time for myself" diversion just to frustrate her and get her off my back. If she is nice about it, I'll react differently. Eventually she will figure this out as well.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Apr 5, 2011 12:36:34 GMT -5
WWBG - I agree with everything you are saying. I probably used to be more like your DF. I have a hard time relaxing if I feel like there is work to be done, DH is the polar opposite. He'll go outside to mow the lawn and get sidetracked by wild turkeys in the yard and spend 1/2 the day watching and tracking them through the woods. It used to drive me crazy, then I realized that he might just be on to something. I am working on taking a step back and stopping to smell the roses too. (and it's been an internal struggle). I have spent a good portion of my life feeling constantly rushed and in a perpetual state of work, chores, errands and have toos. I realized not that long ago, that it was a bit unhealthy. I had a wake up call when I had major surgery, got home from the hospital at 10:30pm and at 7:00 am the next morning I was outside walking the dog. I thought my DH was going to have a stroke. I just couldn't wait for him to take the dog out, I had to do it right then even though the dog was fine and I was not supposed to be on my feet, let alone being dragged around by a 95lb nut. As a matter of fact, when I woke up in recovery I told the tech that I needed to get out of the hospital asap because my dog was home for way too long and I had to let him out (surgery was unexpected) I realized then that I really needed to relax a little bit.
I also realized that I was missing out on the important things in life, by constantly rushing to complete chores and obligations. I am working on simplifying my schedule and being more flexible with my routine. It is hard work for me. DH is working on being a more productive with his time and it is hard for him. I have become less angry and more accepting of the way he is and he has learned to step it up a bit so he meets me half way. It's a work in progress and we've hit many bumps along the way, but I'm hoping we'll be able to learn from each other and compromise somewhere in the middle.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Apr 5, 2011 12:40:22 GMT -5
By the way, WWBG, my DH uses the "well I'll stop doing everything I do around here and we'll see how you like" line on me sometimes when he's pissy or when he knows that he should have done something and he didn't. It doesn't work well for him.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 5, 2011 12:48:33 GMT -5
...:::"By the way, WWBG, my DH uses the "well I'll stop doing everything I do around here and we'll see how you like" line on me sometimes when he's pissy or when he knows that he should have done something and he didn't. It doesn't work well for him.":::...
This comment is very appropriate to the original purpose of your thread.
Introspecting a bit... when I am saying the above words to DF, what I am REALLY saying/meaning is this: I KNOW I didn't get it done when you wanted it done, and now you're upset, and that makes me feel bad, but understand that I do a LOT around here, and feel like all I ever hear is about what I don't get done, and you are never happy so why do I bother in the first place". Oh and by the way, look... the world DIDN'T end, nobody died, and life goes on, so why are we actually fighting about this?
Yeah, thats pretty much what I am ACTUALLY saying. Its very timely, given that it sounds like your DH (and many husbands in this thread) have the same problem.
Now you seem like you handle it a bit better than most. And yes, I do try to take into account the time frame, and or reason it didn't get done. But even if its been 3 months since she's asked, if we were constantly busy with other things, then I really don't have much sympathy. Obviously whatever else I was doing was more important, because it got done, and the problem task didn't. If the problem task was so important, it would have gotten done.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Apr 5, 2011 13:18:10 GMT -5
"Introspecting a bit... when I am saying the above words to DF, what I am REALLY saying/meaning is this: I KNOW I didn't get it done when you wanted it done, and now you're upset, and that makes me feel bad, but understand that I do a LOT around here, and feel like all I ever hear is about what I don't get done, and you are never happy so why do I bother in the first place". Oh and by the way, look... the world DIDN'T end, nobody died, and life goes on, so why are we actually fighting about this?"
You "think" just like my DH. Of course these aren't necessarily the words that come out of his mouth. He's usually getting crappy because he ultimately he knows that I asked him to do something 15 times and he didn't get to it and even though he feels bad, he doesn't like being reminded that he didn't do it. He also wants to be appreciated for the things that he does do. It can be hard to stroke his ego, while the bathroom sink is spewing water all over the floor because he forgot to fix if the 16th time I asked. I'm also probably super pissed and less likely to be polite at this point. I'm pretty sure that most couples have these kind or similar issues throughout their relationships. I try to focus on what's really important and I try to choose my battles carefully; however, I can tell you that I certainly lose my patience sometimes and I even get super irrationally pissed sometimes. It depends on what else is going on at that time. My DH is no Saint either and he has been known to get really upset over something really stupid, which is totally out of character for him because most of the time he is so laid back. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that no relationship is going to be smooth all the time and there are always going to be areas that need to be worked on and their are always going to be frustrations for both partners. The key is working on not making mountains out of molehills...easier said then done.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 5, 2011 13:18:23 GMT -5
Secondly, and perhaps what annoys me more, is this attitude among women that time is arbitrary and can be bent to their whims. The reason I didn't spend "just 10 mins" (and lets be honest here, 10 minutes is not enough to get the job done the way you want it anyway) is because then I wouldn't have been able to do whatever OTHER thing you demanded that I do that was ultra important and couldn't be done later or skipped.
This strikes me as slightly misogynistic, or at least very heavy on the gender-role assumptions. If both couples make an effort, it shouldn't even be an issue. I can't remember the last time I had to nag DF to help me clean. We take turns, and we both make an effort to clean the place during our days off. We don't use my preferred method of cleaning as we go, but he definitely carries his weight when he DOES clean, so I'm not complaining.
Why is it automatically the woman who's making all these demands on her man's time and enforcing these silly standards?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 5, 2011 13:21:08 GMT -5
As you yourself said; when you only have to meet your own standards, cleaning is EASY. Remember, "you are perfect" and everyone else is either a "neat freak" or "slob".
Untrue. I'm far from a neat freak, and if I wasn't, that year of living with people who would routinely leave dishes and dirty clothes all over the common areas of our apartment until the food started rotting and the clothes started stinking would've cured me of it ;D
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Apr 5, 2011 13:24:00 GMT -5
Don't get me wrong, he's fairly organized about it, but it's truly amazing how much stuff one person can accumulate. If I let him, he would take over every single square inch of house and property with garbage picked, auction bought crap.
LOL - sounds like my DH. We had to run an errand Sunday and instead of taking the car (that uses much less gas), he insisted on driving the truck (even though our purchases were going to fit in a few little grocery bags) because he was still feeling upset about "missing out" on picking up a wet muddy ceiling fan that somebody had left out on the curb in the rain the other day when he drove my car the previous weekend. He's been wanting a ceiling fan for his garage/workshop but I vetoed that as a necessity (he already has a box fan & an exhaust fan) and he doesn't want it badly enough to save his spending money for it. I've been known to stop and pick up stuff my neighbors throw out (have a few nice garden art items and a couple of pieces of refinished furniture in my LR that I acquired that way), but if it doesn't get cleaned up and put to permanent use in a week or two, I stick it back out on our curb. It's not that his junk isn't organized - (he has a 4x8 shelving unit completely filled with little jars of nails, screws and fasteners - a bigger selection than our little local hardware store) - it's just that there's so MUCH of it. We'd probably need 2 trips in a full sized U-Haul to move his stuff (not including items with wheels, tractors, trailers, backhoe, mowers, etc.).
It's got to be a handy guy thing. One of his friends keeps running out of room and building a new garage or storage building every few years. Since he has a sawmill and cuts the trees to build it from their property his wife doesn't complain too much.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 5, 2011 13:28:03 GMT -5
I know, I was just responding to Firebird's chore question. Specifically, I resent being called a procrastinator when the reason I didn't do something is because I was doing something else...
I think though its more about how I'm asked or made to feel. If DF comes instantly in with the "I wanted this done 5 seconds ago and now I'm mad" type of attitude, then of course I'm going to get defensive and start in with the "I work all the time and never have time for myself" diversion just to frustrate her and get her off my back. If she is nice about it, I'll react differently. Eventually she will figure this out as well.
Hey, don't put your relationship issues on me. I never called you a procrastinator. For all I know, you're Danny Tanner ;D
ETA: Okay, I went back and looked at my post and it did sort of sound like I was accusing you of procrastination. I wasn't; just speaking generally. But I apologize nonetheless.
I consider myself lucky. DF is one of the neatest people I've ever lived with, so I have no problem letting him do things in his own time. Plus, I enjoy cleaning sometimes. I start to have issues only if I feel I'm doing all the work, and I've never felt that with him.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Apr 5, 2011 13:42:50 GMT -5
qofcc - LOL. Yup, my DH has a huge detached garage filled with stuff. The previous owner had 2 classic cars, plus tons of other stuff in that garage and there was plenty of room to move around. DH just has it filled with materials, tools, snowblowers, a tractor, a Bobcat and the list goes on and on and you would have a hard time squeezing a piece a paper in it. When we moved to the house, the attic didn't have a floor in it. DH put a floor down and before I knew it, the space was filled up. The attic is HUGE. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many loads it took for us to move his stuff from our last house to this one. We should have rented an 18 wheeler. It probably would have cost less in the long run, since he used so much fuel going back and forth for days on end. I really don't sweat his collection as long as he keeps it organized and in his designated spots. I refuse to give in to the idea of additional storage on this property. I'm terrified that if I let him do it, I will be overrun by stuff. The other day I told him that when he dies I'm just going to blow a hole in the house and toss all of his stuff from the attic right into a dumpster...I'm not even going to bother to look at it. He was horrified
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 5, 2011 13:51:44 GMT -5
trytofindbalance - keep telling him that. Seriously. And hopefully he'll start dumping stuff - or at least using/selling it and not replacing it when it's gone, used up or broken. My DH and I are not looking forward to cleaning out his parents house and try to encourage them to ditch stuff.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Apr 5, 2011 14:17:39 GMT -5
Wisconsin Beth - he has been "culling the herd" He sold 2 tractors and trailer and has another trailer for sale now. He actually put an ad on Craigs List that said "my wife is making me sell them, she said I have too many". We'll be down to one equipment trailer, which is fine, because he needs it for his BobCat. He's been a busy bee, selling off some of his other stuff as well. He does pick or buy things for resell on EBAY. I doubt he'll sell off accumulated materials or tools, since he does seem to eventually find a use for most of those things. And I can forget about the personal memory stuff...not going to happen at this point.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Apr 5, 2011 14:25:23 GMT -5
BTW...if you walked into the house, the main living areas, bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchen are all neat and clutter free. His office is pretty packed but organized. The garage is his work space. It's pretty packed with equipment, material and tools. It's organized, but there sure is a lot of stuff in there. The attic is another story. I have no idea what's up there, besides some seasonal clothing, housewares and extra sheets, towels, etc. The rest is DH's stuff.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Apr 5, 2011 15:08:26 GMT -5
I can empathize with you. My DH is a hoarder too, but not as much as yours. Our garage is so full that you have to turn sideways to get from the kitchen door to the garage door and we don't even park cars in it!
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 5, 2011 15:57:20 GMT -5
...:::"It can be hard to stroke his ego, while the bathroom sink is spewing water all over the floor because he forgot to fix if the 16th time I asked.":::...
There is just not going to be any good solution to this problem. It WILL result in a fight and/or resent. Either you'll lose your temper (rightly so) because you had to ask too many times or wait too long; and/or he'll act defensively out of shame and lose his temper, and then you'll both be screaming and flinging past frustrations. Its inevitable. Unless you either stop asking, or he always remembers, its inevitable.
...:::"The key is working on not making mountains out of molehills...easier said then done.":::...
Agreed. Its only easy when its not YOUR molehill.
...:::"Why is it automatically the woman who's making all these demands on her man's time and enforcing these silly standards?":::...
Exactly, why is it? I've yet to see a thread about a neat freak husband and a slob wife. Perhaps its something about how we are wired.
...:::"DF is one of the neatest people I've ever lived with, so I have no problem letting him do things in his own time.":::...
I can clean pretty darn well. It just comes down to use of time, and priorities. Many of our arguments are caused in agreeing on what "clean" needs to be. When its the choice between relaxing, and cleaning... dont' be offended when I choose relaxing.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Apr 5, 2011 18:32:45 GMT -5
There is a good solution to the bathroom sink problem: call a plumber.
I stay single because I will be darned if I will ever go through this type thing again.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 6, 2011 9:50:40 GMT -5
There is a good solution to the bathroom sink problem: call a plumber. I stay single because I will be darned if I will ever go through this type thing again. lol. I know, that was my thought too. But then again, neither DH or I are particularly handy around the house.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Apr 6, 2011 9:59:33 GMT -5
Achelois and Wisconsin Beth, totally agree on the plumber thing, but remember DH is a contractor and he can literally fix anything. He saves us tons of money with his skills. He did all of the renovations to our home and services everything. He always fixes emergencies or unsafe conditions right away, it's the other stuff that ends up taking a while.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Apr 6, 2011 10:00:25 GMT -5
Yeah, my XH thought he could do everything but somehow never got around to it. I eventually learned to call the appropriate tradesman to get things done. He got mad about it, but things did get done.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 6, 2011 10:06:42 GMT -5
Yeah, my XH thought he could do everything but somehow never got around to it. I eventually learned to call the appropriate tradesman to get things done. He got mad about it, but things did get done.
Same here. I told DH if he is that darn pissed about then DO IT, don't let it sit for three months before getting mad at me and claiming he was "going to get around to it" after I find someone else to do it or do it myself.
We ahd a broken towel rack for three months because I did the "right" thing and only asked him once and backed off.
Doesn't work when your husband doesn't care and just keeps trying to balance wet towels on a rack hanging on the wall by one screw.
I finally did it myself and he got pissed.
I did ask the marital counseler exactly HOW MUCH time am I supposed to wait for him to do things?
No one explains that part when telling you not to nag and to just let him get to it on his own time.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Apr 6, 2011 10:23:44 GMT -5
I did ask the marital counselor exactly HOW MUCH time am I supposed to wait for him to do things?
No one explains that part when telling you not to nag and to just let him get to it on his own time.
So, I'm waiting with baited breath to see what their professional advice was on that...
I'm currently using the ask sweetly once, wait a bit and ask in the form of a question as to if there's a problem the 2nd time, wait a bit and give a gentle reminder using humor or flattery the 3rd time and screaming "WTF is your problem" if I have to ask a 4th time. It works sometimes, but by no means all the time.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 6, 2011 10:26:22 GMT -5
The only answer I have had is what is acceptable for me. Umm. .. isn't that how I got into this mess in the first place? I think the marital advice of "just ask once" only applies if you aren't married to a procrastinator.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Apr 6, 2011 10:36:14 GMT -5
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Achelois and Wisconsin Beth, totally agree on the plumber thing, but remember DH is a contractor and he can literally fix anything. He saves us tons of money with his skills. He did all of the renovations to our home and services everything. He always fixes emergencies or unsafe conditions right away, it's the other stuff that ends up taking a while
What good does it do if he CAN fix anything, but DOESN'T? Call the plumber or other tradesman if one reminder doesn't do the trick. Tell him you realize he is busy and you don't want to nag him.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Apr 6, 2011 10:38:28 GMT -5
I think the marital advice of "just ask once" only applies if you aren't married to a procrastinator.
Well, that's crappy advice then. If the guy wasn't a procrastinator, then you wouldn't need to ask more than once, would you? Unless the problem is with you having unrealistic expectations.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 6, 2011 10:58:23 GMT -5
I think the marital advice of "just ask once" only applies if you aren't married to a procrastinator.Well, that's crappy advice then. If the guy wasn't a procrastinator, then you wouldn't need to ask more than once, would you? Unless the problem is with you having unrealistic expectations. I agree. DH and I BOTH tend to procrastinate, so we both try to give each other a pass. But my history is "if it bugs me, I'm gonna take care of it. If you don't like my solution, tough shit, you should have dealt with it first" which DH is aware of (and sometimes uses to get out of stuff.)
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 6, 2011 10:59:38 GMT -5
Unless the problem is with you having unrealistic expectations.
Our problem is his idea of realistic and mine are sometimes two totally different things.
He saw no issues whatsoever with piling towels onto a brown towel rack because "it still holds towels" so if I left it up to him it NEVER would have come down.
I was thinking it was an eyesore and didn't want it to do any damage being ripped further out of the wall by a load of heavy towels.
I didn't expect him to do it in 24 hours or less, but I think three months was unreasonable.
I've just learned to not ask him about things like that because he really does not care.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Apr 6, 2011 11:02:13 GMT -5
Actually he's been pretty good about fixing/maintaining most things. My post was a response to WWBG about his GF nagging him about cleaning and chores. She wanted everything done yesterday and he was getting very frustrated with her because he felt that he did do a lot of chores, but she was never happy with his progress. Once and a while there is a job that sort of "falls through the cracks". I'm fairly certain that I get busy and forget to do things sometimes too. We did have some hardwood floors that needed to be repaired in the living room. I nagged and bitched for a while, but still no progress. I finally let it go (it wasn't vital, it was just annoying) and I came home one day and the job was done. It wasn't in my time frame, but it wasn't the end of the world. DH said he was trying to figure out how to correct the problem without ripping up tons of expensive flooring. Could he have done it sooner, sure, but it did get done. The point was more about my expectations verses his time frame. He didn't see it as an emergency and he felt that he had other more pressing priorities, even though I wanted it done yesterday. If I had called someone to do the job, it would have cost a lot of money that I really couldn't afford to spend at the moment, so I had to adjust my expectation a little and realize that it wasn't the end of the world. Now if he didn't fix the hot water heater when it went out in the middle of a major snow storm, I would have been pretty pissed, it was a vital repair. He had to shovel through 2 1/2 feet of snow to get to the crawl space to get to the heater and he had to drive to the store to get new parts, but he made it happen that day...guess he didn't want to take a cold shower either
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Apr 6, 2011 11:11:36 GMT -5
I know my DH is a procrastinator, but I also think part of the issue is about perspective. Sometimes I see things as vital and all important and he just doesn't. He has other priorities and they might not match mine. BTW, he fully admits that he is a procrastinator and he believes that his procrastination has saved him a lot of aggravation in the past. I'm not sure I fully agree with him, but sometimes by taking more time, he is able to do things a better way, cheaper or the problem sorts itself out and he ends up not having to deal with it at all. He knows I am a list maker and that I don't let much get brushed under the rug. I do have a tendency to want everything done immediately and he has a tendency to wait unless it's unsafe.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Apr 6, 2011 11:16:00 GMT -5
Drama - I have to say that I'm not sure your marriage counselor gave you good advice about the "just ask once and don't nag". That's a bunch of BS. We're both married to procrastinators and quite frankly, just asking once doesn't always do the trick. My philosophy is that if he did it when I asked just once, I wouldn't have to ask again; hence preventing future nagging. If he isn't getting the job done, I'm going to remind him again, too bad, he obviously needs to be reminded, because he does have a tendency to get caught up in other things and he's not necessarily avoiding the task, he's completely forgotten about it.
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