NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 31, 2011 11:41:22 GMT -5
And while I think everyone is right that he doesn't have the traditional entrepreneurial traits, that doesn't mean he can't succeed at this, but he's going to need someone else to make sure he stays on track
Of course he could succeeed, but the OP has to ask herself if she is willing to devote the time LONG TERM it will take to keep him on track.
It won't be just get the inspections done and then he's off. Even if he does come out of his shell it's going to take TIME.
It's exhausting to have to be someone's motivator. It's why I won't agree to being a landlord because with everything else I have to do in my life the last thing I want to do is be chasing around after tenets and maintaing another home.
I think DH could be a good landlord, but not without me having to be the one pulling all the strings.
I don't want to, it would be more stress and time than I want to put in right now and I'd resent him for it.
Which is why I think the OP needs to ask herself exactly how long she plans on pushing him and supporting him.
Because what if he never comes out of his shell and always needs coaxing, prodding and some confidence boosting?
That was my one gripe about therapy, it assumes the other person is going to get on board and change too, but what if they DON'T?
If she is as invested in the business as he is then it can work out, but it can also build a lot of resentment in that she is devoting a lot of time motivating him to do something that was his idea in the first place.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 31, 2011 11:42:38 GMT -5
Yes Qofcc is correct, a licensed home inspector cannot do the repair work on the homes, it is a conflict of interests and he could lose his license.
Yes Firebird, things are moving a long. You are correct. I am not angry for DH for the things that are out of his control (maybe stressed, but not angry with him), but yes I am resentful for the things that are. You are thinking exactly like I have been. I have been angry for him not putting his nose to the grindstone to get things done. It seems as if he finally has achieved that goal and I am really hoping that he keeps on keeping on. It will be a lot easier with the mentor. My friend is his wife, so she keeps me up on his inspection schedule and DH knows that.
I agree that deadlines need to be set. The first one is for April 15th and it looks like he is working towards that. Hopefully he can get his inspections done and pick up some small jobs to help with the bills.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 31, 2011 11:45:42 GMT -5
Zib...my DH must carry a min of $500k liability insurance. Of course he inspects attics and roofs. I know with 100% certainty that his work will be thoughtful, careful and accurate...he is a perfectionist about that.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 31, 2011 11:46:20 GMT -5
I would feel the same way, I think. Not that everything would be suddenly perfect if you felt like he was working his ass off, but at least you would know that he was doing all he could and that if it didn't work after that, there was nothing you (or he) could do. As it is, it's so hard not to think, "Well if he would just give 110% things might be different."
It does sound like he's making progress, though, and that's good.
I'm very curious about your answer to the question many of us have posted. Are you okay with being the driving force behind this business forever? Are you willing to push him indefinitely?
(I don't mean to be repetitive or annoying, but this thread is going like gangbusters and I think this is a pretty key question for you, so I don't want it to get lost in the shuffle.)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2011 11:46:35 GMT -5
And while I think everyone is right that he doesn't have the traditional entrepreneurial traits, that doesn't mean he can't succeed at this, but he's going to need someone else to make sure he stays on track. Are you willing to be that person? Full time and indefinitely? I agree with firebird- that's a heavy burden for you to take on. Having been in a couple of small consulting firms, I can tell you I'm lousy at business development. If someone else brings in the clients, I'm fine. I get along with just about everybody, I communicate well, and I can do the work. If I were to hang out a consulting shingle, though, we might end up trying to live on DH's SS. Maybe your DH needs a career that does a better job of playing to his strengths. Or maybe he can get a marketing type on contingency- for every job the marketer brings in, DH gives him a % of the fees he collects for his work.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 31, 2011 11:57:43 GMT -5
For sure. I was the office manager when we started our business. That was MY strength. My then DH was a good worker but a lousy people person. No organization skills, either. But he worked his butt off including doing home health care half the day to make ends meet. Finally, after a few years I was able to return to what I liked but we had to be a team to make it work in the beginning or it would have failed. I would never have risked my financial security (and like you I had everything and he had nothing) if he wasn't a worker bee. If we had failed it would not have been his fault.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 31, 2011 12:04:17 GMT -5
Having been in a couple of small consulting firms, I can tell you I'm lousy at business development. If someone else brings in the clients, I'm fine. I get along with just about everybody, I communicate well, and I can do the work.
This sounds like her DH and if he can get a group of real estate agents to recommend him as their first choice, then the business goes on auto pilot and he'll have steady work coming in and all he has to do is show up and do a good job and she can oversee the financials and tweak things along the way. It's the start-up phase of getting him to that point where the OP is going to need to take charge because it doesn't sound like he can get from here to there without someone's help.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Mar 31, 2011 12:11:57 GMT -5
"Maybe your DH needs a career that does a better job of playing to his strengths"
Exactly. All of the angst and resentment and guilt and knocking heads is draining. Your DH has skills in building/repairing and perhaps inspection. But what appears to be most lacking is business and organization skills. Not the least of which is sound judgment. History speaks to this as you've indicated throughout this thread.
Trying to go into yet another business isn't going to be much different because your DH is the one who is attempting to once again do something that is beyond his skills and ability.
He'd be saving himself and you a lot of heartache if he just tried to go to work for someone who already has an established business.
Attempting to succeed without the necessary business skills and mind set is just going to bring more of what he's experienced in the past.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 31, 2011 12:22:18 GMT -5
stukibby, you have a good point and that has to be considered if this doesn't work out, but are you seriously saying that you think she should ask him to give up right now weeks away from a goal that they've invested all of this time an money in?
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 31, 2011 12:31:56 GMT -5
More good news...DH just called again and said that his mentor may have another inspection tomorrow and if he does, he will go with him. (He also has one this afternoon with a different mentor). He also made arrangements to go to his house to go over his software with him. He said the inspection was excellent and he was very, very pleased.
Just wanted to give you guys a little background because some posters had asked if I was overreacting to the situation. I know that I do have a tendency to overreact to things and I have admitted that I do sometimes create my own drama when it comes to finances. I will say that DH is probably a bit of an under-reactor. He got a very bad skin rash last year. I begged him to go to the Dr. he told me I as overreacting. Of course I finally pushed him to go, practically had to drag him there and he ended up having Lyme's disease. We also had a dog a few years ago and I noticed something wasn't right. I wanted to rush her to the vet. He told me I was overreacting. I made the appointment anyway. The dog was critically ill (she had gotten an auto immune disease). DH did come to the appointment and he spent the last 6 months of her life cooking her special food and helping to take care of her. He was also amazing when we had to put her to sleep (she was my dog for 10 years before I met him). So he does perceive that I am an overreacter to things and that is probably part of our issue...I'm much more high strung...he's much more laid back. I still like to follow my instincts and I still believe in projecting potential issues and trying to correct them before they get out of control. He likes to deal with the issue at hand.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 31, 2011 12:38:18 GMT -5
Your DH is a reactor, you are a pre-empter. Being a reactor is good in some situations because you do need someone who can make snap decisions, but for a business to work he has to be able to forsee things and plan for them.
Are you ready to be that person for him? I can tell you right now that he probably will never become a planner/pre-empter/future like you that would require a personality transplant of epic proportions for it to work out. Are you ready to be that part of the business for him?
I am not knocking your DH AT ALL. He is just very similar to my DH and personally I would not commit to DH being self employed because I know that it'd mean that I have to be the planner and string puller. He'd be good at his JOB, but I'd pretty much have to be the "boss" of the venture and I also know us well enough to know that me being his boss would cause us to implode.
IF you are ready to be his "boss" and are just as eager to see the business succeed long term then it'll work out, but if you are going to start to resent the fact that you are basically the "parent" of his business then it is going to cause even more issues in your marriage. Your finances might get back on track, but marriage and business are not always a good mix.
Again it is good to have faith in him but you need to take off the glasses and be BRUTALLY honest about yourself and your DH before you commit past getting him certified and into actually running his own business. You will only resent him more if you put all this faith and time into him and then when it comes to actually running the business you guys are right back to square one and you need to push him again because he's stuck his head in the sand and is just coasting now that the "hard part" is done.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 31, 2011 12:39:48 GMT -5
I still believe in projecting potential issues and trying to correct them before they get out of control. He likes to deal with the issue at hand.
That's not unusual. Must be one of those opposites attract things. It does sound like you need to work on communication or get a 3rd party involved, because if he always tunes you out thinking you're over reacting, it's going to be difficult for you to influence the things you're going to need to influence to make this situation successful for your family.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 31, 2011 12:42:47 GMT -5
Firebird...sorry, I'm trying to answer so many posts at once. When I spoke to my friend, she mentioned that when they started their business, they paid someone to go around to real estate agencies and introduce the business, drop off cards and marketing materials, etc. We luckily already have many real estate connections and some of these people are waiting for him to get his license so they can recommend him to their clients.
I agree that I will probably need to assist with some of the marketing in the business (something I also do where I work). I'm actually excited about it. I really feel that with the combination of our skills we can really make this work. My parents own a business, they both play very important roles, but both utilize their different skill sets to make it work. We have hopes that someday the business will be doing so well, that I may be able to leave my job and just work on our business (my friend does that for her husband). It may never happen, but I am willing to assist him, because this is our business and our future at stake here. I also feel that the business will start to go more and more on autopilot as qofcc said. Once you form a relationship with realtors, they will recommend you. My friend does very little cold calling anymore...he's busier than he can handle and it's all referrals.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 31, 2011 12:46:23 GMT -5
OP, how much more of an investment is there to get him up & running? You said equipment and supplies plus insurance and maybe a little advertising expense, right? That's what? 5k? 10k? And if it didn't work out, the equipment can be re-sold and the insurance can be canceled and the unused portion refunded, right? It seems like the large time & money investment of him going to the training is already a done deal and these are minor expenses compared to what you've already invested.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 31, 2011 12:48:33 GMT -5
We always planned for me to take care of the books for the business. I have several friends who's husbands own businesses and they have their own jobs, but they handle the books for their hubby. It's just not their hubby's strong point, but it works out pretty well for them. DH is onboard for me handling the money. He knows that is one of my strengths.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 31, 2011 12:48:36 GMT -5
Okay, so you are good with handling the business side of things, at least in theory? You're okay with being the driving force behind his success?
If the answer is yes, as it seems to be, let me ask a follow up question. Can your marriage tolerate this long term? As many have pointed out, it's not easy to be someone's spouse and their "boss" at the same time. It's not easy to have your spouse telling you what needs to happen by x date without feeling like they're nagging you. It's not easy to separate the work and personal life. It's not easy to leave bedroom arguments out of the office.
So... is HE good with you taking this role?
ETA: I'm not just talking about bookkeeping here. I'm talking about pushing his business forward, cheering him on while he hunts for new business, pushing him out of his comfort zone when it comes to networking, translating his fuzzy happy vision of the future into cold hard reality, motivating him to work as hard as he possibly can, and getting him back on track the next time he's not moving as fast as he needs to move.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 31, 2011 12:55:02 GMT -5
qofcc - yes, his schooling and exam fees will be paid off in April. He will have to take a radon cert. course too, but it's one day and inexpenseive. He will need insurance which is about $2000 for the year. We are looking at different software products now, they really range in price, he is trying to get an idea of what he will need. One of his old classmates just purchased software for about $900. He already has the computer and printer. He also has tons and tons of tools. He is going to go over everything with his mentor to see if he needs anything else to start. We know we will need business cards and perhaps some pricing brochures to hand out. We also looked into a website and that was around $2000. I estimate that the initial startup will be well under $7000. I am working on all of the figures.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 31, 2011 13:00:49 GMT -5
Firebird...I do see and completely understand your point. I don't think it's actually going to come down to that scenerio. I think he would discuss that with me no matter what and look to me for advise and support because we are married and friends and we do communicate in that way. I talk to him about my job all the time. I know what you are saying and I know that it is different. Obviously he is going to need to play the primary role here, I already have a fulltime job. He's going to have to make it his business to bring in new business...he knew that all along. I'm sure I'm going to have to brainstorm with him for new ideas. I do agree that this is an area that he needs to work on. I am willing to assist and I am willing to give him ideas, but he's going to have to do the actual leg work himself. He knows that it's part of this business, so hopefully he's up for the challenge. I know he can do it and I know he will be good at doing it.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Mar 31, 2011 13:05:11 GMT -5
I'm sure I'm going to have to brainstorm with him for new ideas. I do agree that this is an area that he needs to work on. I am willing to assist and I am willing to give him ideas, but he's going to have to do the actual leg work himself. He knows that it's part of this business, so hopefully he's up for the challenge.
Maybe this is an area where your friend's husband can coach and advise him.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 31, 2011 13:06:39 GMT -5
Just a couple quick things to add:
Assuming everything takes off and this time next year, this post couldn't be farther from your mind--try to remind dh that each year he needs to go after new realtors. You don't want to be going through the 'start up' phase again if his big referral realtors quit the business, move out of state, join a company that has their own inspection company, etc.
Back to the home finances and who contributes what: DH and I operated the way you are for over 10 years, where I told him how much he needed to contribute to the house fund. It worked for us, but in hindsight I think I did both of us a disservice.
I stressed myself out feeling like it was all on me to cover unexpected bills etc. While he was left clueless about our finances. If he had any money I could have wiped him out! ;D
I almost wish that we had sat down each month with separate check books and paid our 1/2 (or whatever percentage we came up with) at least in the beginning so that we both felt the same responsibility and control over our finances.
Your husband lived on his own, ran a business, and paid his bills. If something happened to you, he'd have to figure it out. Maybe he could figure out how to juggle bills for a month. Maybe you are over-reacting, but that doesn't mean it isn't stressful when you there is less coming in than going out. Then at least he could relate.
I doubt right now is the time you want to push him on this kind of stuff, but thought I'd throw it out there as something to think about in the future.
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azphx1972
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Post by azphx1972 on Mar 31, 2011 13:09:45 GMT -5
From your OP:
"This is my first time posting and I'm looking for some constructive advice.
I would love some thoughtful advice on the situation."
I'm wondering how useful this thread has been to you. You seem to be spending more time explaining why things are the way they are, rather than implementing any advice that has been given here. I don't mean that in a negative way, because you come across as a very intelligent person who seems to have already given a lot of thought to all the available options. I'm just wondering how helpful this thread has been to you in terms of practical solutions vs just venting and seeking validation.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Mar 31, 2011 13:13:40 GMT -5
I was actually wondering the same thing as azphx1972- have we given you anything constructive to work with? Do you have any ideas that you're planning to implement? What is your current approach to this situation? It sounds like it might be getting better on its own but do you plan to take any specifically proactive steps to move it along based on the conversation?
I'm asking seriously, not meaning to pick on you at all. You have had to explain a lot of things and answer a lot of questions just to give us a clear picture, and I respect you for doing that. I'm just wondering if you've gotten anything out of it so far.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 31, 2011 13:21:21 GMT -5
do agree that this is an area that he needs to work on. I am willing to assist and I am willing to give him ideas, but he's going to have to do the actual leg work himself. He knows that it's part of this business, so hopefully he's up for the challenge. I know he can do it and I know he will be good at doing it
But what if he is not?
I am not saying this to be mean, but I spent a good deal of time saying the same things about my DH that you do. I am three years into our marriage and I have had to learn to accept that my DH is a today, my DH is a reactor and no matter how much faith I have in him he is NEVER going to self motivator to the point of where he can be his own bussiness man.
What happens is I push him and he goes for awhile, but then he'll start to peter out and slow back down again. Sometimes it's only a few days, sometimes it takes several months, but it ALWAYS happens.
I am fine with this when it comes to housework and other items, they are not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
We'd be divorced if I had invested myself and our finanical well being into a business for him.
You need to look at the person you husband IS and who he has been since the day you met him. You can HOPE all you want that this time it'l lbe different, this time he'll get up and go but has he EVER been that type of self motivator?
People can change, but 99% of hte time past actions speak far louder. Words don't mean shit because my DH will also promise the moon and will say "he knows what he has to do", but it doesn't pan out unless I push him.
Why did his other business not work out? Are the same things playing out with his current venture? Are the same habits getting in his way that did the last time?
I hate to keep stomping on you but you simply CANNOT afford to be optimistic with so much on the line.
You need to be BRUTALLY, UGLY honest about your husband. It isn't fun and it isn't pretty, but you have so much at stake you cannot afford to "hope he'll come out of his shell", you cannot afford to "hope he is up for the challenge".
Either he is or he isn't up for running his own business.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 31, 2011 13:24:55 GMT -5
what about updating the website? Is that something you or he will be able to do? Or is that included in the $2K? Because when DH and I are searching for vendors and stuff, one of the things we look for in websites is updated content. Or at least something that says they utilize the website beyond a home page listing contact info.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 31, 2011 13:27:39 GMT -5
...:::"I'm not paying for him to do something, we are investing in our future."
I'd imagine there is the expectation that the schooling result in a better or different career for him though, right? You aren't just paying for him to go to school so he can have personal fulfillment. You would probably be very resentful if after he got the degree, he decided not to use it for the household benefit....:::
Yes and no, but I am a very different personality type than the OP, and my marriage started with very different expectations than the OP's. Education is important to both DH and I for the sake of education. I have an MBA, but will almost certainly go back to school for another Masters and a PhD at some point (like retirement). Right now, the hope is that once he has his degree, he will not only be more competetive in the job market, but the job market will be a little better. Still, we live comfortably on my salary alone, including paying for his schooling out of pocket. We might very well decide, once he finishes school, to start our family, at which point he would most likely become a SAHD, or work part time at most. BUT that was always our plan for our family, because we've known from the beginning that I would be the primary earner.
So, given that I have a very different personality type than the OP, I have tried to measure my responses with that in mind. Still, I think a lot of her stress is of her own making, and she needs to take some responsibility for that. I would also bet that her DH is stressed out in his own way. However, they respond to stress in opposite fashions. She makes lists and charts and graphs and tries to rush everything along, adding to her stress, but also ending it more quickly. He buries his head in the sand for a little while. He slows down, and loses some of his motivation. He lowers his current stress this way, but also makes it last longer. Their opposite reactions then add to the other's stress, exasperating the issue. Which is where we came in to the conversation.
Most of us here are much more like the OP than her DH, so that's where our sympathies lie, and what our advice is directed to. But as others who are married to non-type A personalities have mentioned, what motivates us does NOT motivate them. In fact, it can make them have the opposite reaction, which equals more frustration on the type A's part.
The challenge, as I see it, is to help the OP regain some feeling of control over the situation (which she very much needs) and let go of her anger and frustration. At the same time, we have to be aware that what seems like the obvious course of action to us (lists, burn charts, milestones and project deliverables) is not going to be a course that actually works for her DH, because he's not like us. So, her first step needs to be her attitude. It needs to be changing little things in her thoughts, away from "my" credit card, to "the" credit card. She has to make those steps in order to remind herself why she's in this. She knew what he was like; she knew they were opposites in this manner before she married him. She almost certainly married him becuase of these differences (not in spite of them) because they balance each other out. That's called being a team, working through the challenges together to help alleviate everyone's stress. And that's what my initial round of advice was based on.
I am NOT surprised to see that now that her DH has taken his head out of the sand things are moving forward. He reduced the level of the "omg the world is going to end" stress to a point where he could work and is now moving forward at a good pace. Deadline stress will probably help motivate him (deadline stress is very different, at least for me, than everything is falling apart stress).
Marriage is a long term balancing act. The point isn't for everything to always be in perfect balance, but to keep things from shifting to far in one direction or another. The OP came here and found people who agreed with her (to an extreme point, even) and it made her feel better and validated in her reactions. Her DH could easily find another message board filled with people more like him who would agree with him -I know what needs to be done, just let me do it- and validate his reactions. Because there are just as many people out there like him as there are like her.
Their goal has to be the balance of the two personality types. It has to be an awareness of each other's strengths and weaknesses and knowing when to step in and when to back off. It takes a lifetime to learn all of this, and they've been married only 2 years. They added additional stress (this isn't bad, just a fact) by taking in a teenager. It changes the equation for both of them, and means they need to adjust their triggers.
I would bet that venting here, being validated, but then also feeling the need to defend her DH (reminding her of why they are together) actually helped the OP dial down her stress level when she last talked to DH, and as a result, he has responded with exactly what she was looking for. Its the retractable leash dramaq keeps talking about. Now she just has to calibrate it.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 31, 2011 13:32:28 GMT -5
axphx1972 and firebird - I think this thread has been amazing. Like I said, I am a long time reader and I value a lot of your opinions already.
I think the post did help me vent, which I really, really needed to do. I felt like I was on system overload and all the warning bells were going off. I am much calmer now. You have no idea how important that is. The stress was eating me alive.
I think you guys gave me a lot of food for thought. Many posters pointed out how important it was for me to watch the tone of my conversations and to make sure that I wasn't creating the drama myself. I really took a step back and thought about that. As difficult as it is for me to admit, I know that I am definitely not innocent here. I clearly fueled some of the arguments because I was already stressed and at my breaking point and I was being reactive to something that happened. I surely blew some stuff out of proportion.
I also got a lot of insight into what I may need to do moving forward. Yes, you are correct, a lot of thought and planning has already gone into this. DH and I have had many discussions about how this situation should evolve. I thought that we were on the same page. I know he got derailed along the way and I know I went into panic mode about it. I do feel that I have every right to be upset for him for his complacency during this process. He knew how stressed and anxious I was. I think he felt that he was doing whatever he could, but if you really push him to the wall, he'll admit that he should have and could have done more. He also needed to stop and listen to what I was saying, even if he didn't appreciate the delivery at times. It's not like I came out swinging. I had many, many civil discussions with him. I just started to feel like we were not working as a team any longer and I felt scared and alone trying to figure it all out. He had pretty much shut me out and did not want to discuss the business or finances anymore because it had become so uncomfortable.
Many posters pointed out that we need to continue to have deadlines and reasonable timeframes. Some pointed out that DH may have to consider getting a full time job if he can't make this work, I think that is a very valid point. I have thought of it before, but the posters really helped solidify that idea.
Also many of you pointed out my future role in this business and the effects in may have on my marriage. Truly an eye opener for me. I always knew I would be involved, but I do agree that for our marriage to work, I can't be DH's boss, it will never work. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me to be his boss either.
So I think that this thread really, really helped me gain perspective, take some responsibility for our situation and gave me good ideas for a strategy that may work in the future for both of us.
I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful posts.
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azphx1972
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 2, 2011 22:08:36 GMT -5
Posts: 809
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Post by azphx1972 on Mar 31, 2011 13:40:10 GMT -5
Whoa, impressive post shanendoah! Do you have a degree in psychology or something? ;D
ETA: OP, I'm glad this thread has been useful to you. I agree that it's helpful to get an unbiased perspective sometimes, but it's easy to get defensive when you don't like what you hear, although your last post definitely indicates that you've come a long way in your way of thinking. Not that you need it, because I think you have what it takes to get through this, but good luck!
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trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 31, 2011 13:46:12 GMT -5
Shanendoah....that was an amazing last post. Yes, you are 100% right. I got to vent and I got called out on some of my reactions to DH's behavior. I do take responsibility for my actions as well, even though it can be difficult to see sometimes. You are correct, once I was able to put myself in his shoes more, I was able to calm down and he started moving forward. I do think that some of his movement is just a timing issue (he finally got the mentor approved) but I also think he appreciates my reaction to things much more. I am working very hard at listening to what he says without judging. I am trying to look at things from his perspective.
You are also correct in the fact that I felt very out of control. I saw everything I've worked so hard for slipping away. It's a horrible feeling, especially when you feel like your doing everything you can to prevent it from happening and your partner is birdwatching instead of working to make difference.
One of the posters pointed out early on that I needed to change my thought process and start thinking of things as "we" and "ours" not "me" and "mine". I am working on that too.
This has been a powerful learning experience for me and yes I keep picturing that retractable leash.
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shanendoah
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:44:48 GMT -5
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 31, 2011 13:50:49 GMT -5
azphx: No, I'n just an ENFP, whereas most people around here in INTJs. My DH and I also have very different personality types (though we're both lazy and slobs, drives my poor mom crazy), and we broke up two different times while we were dating over communication issues. In addition, my DH does have depression issues. So I've become pretty good at both the balancing act and paying attention to how we both respond to stress. I am not the best example to follow for money advice here, but I try to balance that out with helping people separate the financial from the emotional. Money is a leading cause of divorce (I believe) not because of money itself but because of the emotions we attach to it. If you can recognize the emotional triggers and deal with those, you can often find the financial balance you need.
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trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
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Post by trytofindbalance on Mar 31, 2011 13:53:06 GMT -5
Drama...I hear you loud and clear. Right now the plan is to move forward with the business. We are finally getting close to getting his license. Keep in mind that he can do side work, while he is getting the business running, so it won't be a situation where there is no income coming in. His side work, pays a lot more than a part time job. It is very difficult to get a full time construction manager job in this economy. His industry has been hit very hard. He does keep his ear to the ground and someone did offer him a full time job running a lumberyard for $15 an hour. He didn't take it, because he needed to be available for inspections, he knew he would leave the job once he got his license and he didn't want to do that and he could actually earn more, in much less time doing side work.
I do agree that we will need to keep an eye on the progress and we are going to need to sit down and come up with some reasonable deadlines. If the business is earning X by such and such a time, then he is going to have to look for a full time job. I have already spoken to him about this before, but we have to set our time line.
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