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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2013 16:51:36 GMT -5
Yep and when Dad is in a bi-polar high he is trying to save the world - it is very important or he won't get into heaven. He is also very invested in politics. He gets extremely upset if things don't go his way and feels like the world is going to end. Ok and maybe she was depressed because - she had a good for nothing husband - not pulling his weight - no money - bills to pay - can barely feed their kids - him causing drama between her and her family - him cheating on her So she might just have been depressed. And right now she is finally free of the SOB, to a point, and she is trying to enjoy life. She just need to get the divorce rolling, custody formalized and only deal with the SOB on a need to basis. Some folks in this world can just suck the life right out if you and he is one of those. I never spent more than 10 minutes next to the guy and that is because there was no way around it. Debby downers are just not my cup of tea.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 6, 2013 16:54:55 GMT -5
I hope you are right, Carl. No one wishes her ill.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Mar 6, 2013 16:55:26 GMT -5
Bunnysmom - there was much more info in a prior thread. She did have a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. continuing treatment was recommended but the aunt did not want to have a mentally ill daughter so she discouraged the daughter from continuing treatment. The Ex-Dh saw his opportunity to get out of the marriage with a very good outcome so he is also acting in his own self interest.
She will never be accurately diagnosed without continuing teatment. A co-worker and friend described drugs his family physician prescribed for him for depression and his abnormal withdrawal symptoms. I was very concerned for him and strongly recommended he seek treatment from a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are trained in the treatment of diseases of the mind and know the side effects of the drugs much more intimately than a doctor that just treats a minor mental illness here and there. I was particularly concerned b/c some drugs used for treating mental illness cause severe withdrawal and have been known to induce suicidal thoughts and severe depression when people go cold turkey. Co-worker went cold turkey. He made an appt with a psychiatrist and has thanked me repeatedly b/c he feels much better now that he is being treated for bi-polar. I don't care if I am right, I just want people to be treated by those most able to diagnose and treat their ailments so that they can lead a healthy lifestyle.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Mar 6, 2013 17:03:03 GMT -5
she had a good for nothing husband - not pulling his weight - no money - bills to pay - can barely feed their kids - him causing drama between her and her family - him cheating on her
This also sounds like co-dependency. I think someone recommeded the book Co-Dependent no more for your wife to read. Co-Dependency takes many forms. I was told to read the book when I was seing a counselor for my first divorce. My counselor felt I ended up in a co-dependent relationship b/c living with someone with bi-polar disorder is much like living with an Alchoholic.
I found the book fascinating and an easy read. When you are dealing with co-dependency you have to remember that she can always leave the good for nothing husband. She does not have to chose to respond to his behaviour in ways that are destructive to herself and her family.
When my DH used to tell me his brother drank b/c his sil overspent the family budget I used to tell him "What did she open his mouth and pour the alchohol down his throat?" I told him he can choose to leave. He can pay the bills himself. Drinking is the worst way to deal with problems. It also caused the family additonal financial problems b/c he got drunk driving tickets and They had to pay for the tickets, pay additonal insurance and he spent time in jail for Huber which you aso have to pay for.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2013 17:05:28 GMT -5
I hope you are right, Carl. No one wishes her ill. I sure don't but no one wants to try my approach with her which is "B*tch slap" some sense into her. My wife call me am insensitive heartless jerk because I have no time for those touchy feely approach, sugar coating everything and let's all be friends. And those close to me : wife, mom, siblings, cousins get a harsher version because I tell it like it is. But since this is her cousin I let her handle it and keep my mouth shut. But seriously if I could say anything it would be the following: - wake the fuck up and stop wasting people time - the asshole moved out 8 months ago file for divorce already - count your blessing that it only took you 7 years dating and 2 years marriage to finally see the light - put your big girl panties on and deal with this shit like a grown up - stop spending money you don't have - stop wasting time posting crap on Facebook or pictures on Instagram - seriously just grow the fuck up - sale the house because you cannot afford it. Seriously, you cannot afford it. - kick your mom out because she sain't helping - get your own apartment for you and your son - stop with the drama, you are too old for that - only deal with your baby daddy on a need to basis. - stop spending money you do not have on crap - you have degrees from Columbia and NYU... Start fucking acting like it and get some common sense.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 6, 2013 17:09:17 GMT -5
Oh, my, you would sure be unpopular because no one wants to hear THAT!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2013 17:16:46 GMT -5
Oh, my, you would sure be unpopular because no one wants to hear THAT! That is why in my family I am known as the Jerk Nothing pisses me off more than someone causing their own misfortune and crying "poor me". It is ok to fuck up but please own up to it. And no surprise that the ones that do not own up to it are the ones that seems to always end up in fucked up situations and it is never their fault. And that is why I am not popular with her family. Yes the guy is an asshole but what is she? She was with him for 7 years, married him and had a kid with him. I mean come on!!! The same way I said Rihanna better not come crying next time Chris Brown smack her ... She willingly went back to him after he beat the crap out of her. Glutton for punishment much?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 6, 2013 17:31:03 GMT -5
You should be known as the only smart one and family should emulate you.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Mar 6, 2013 18:22:08 GMT -5
Everybody that thinks the cousin is bipolar, what are you basing this on? Yes she is depressed obviously (who wouldn't be in those circumstances?) but I think everybody is throwing the "bipolar" around too loosely. If an MD didn't think so, what makes any of you more of an expert to claim someone whom you never met has a bipolar disorder? I cannot stand when people diagnose others. It just reminds me of how my ex-H called me crazy, bipolar, etc when in fact my only problem was HIM and the fact that I had just given birth to a 25-weeker! I'll be another person who won't jump on the bipolar bandwagon. Really without being a doctor who could study her it is hard to know if it was a post-partum issue, situational or what. She and other parts of the family have a history of over-spending. So far it doesn't seem that out of character. Plus I think it was hubby who got her on the kick of taking pricey trips to recover. It looks like the family just kept up with the idea. There are many things that can cause depression and things that appear to be bipolar. Chronic lack of sleep, certain foods, drugs, chemicals, etc. can all cause issues that people mistake for mental illness. People lose it all the time when their deeply held beliefs don't mesh with reality. I think she had a fairy tale in her head that once they agreed to get married hubby would become a prince and start doing all those things many men do like get a job and help support the family. Given the importance in the family of finding and keeping a man she's probably having a hard time being willing to throw those 9 years away.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Mar 6, 2013 18:26:35 GMT -5
"The Ex-Dh saw his opportunity to get out of the marriage with a very good outcome so he is also acting in his own self interest. "
I believe they are still married. I don't think he has any interest in divorce. He wants a cash cow to live off IMHO. That's why he married her and I believe that's why he has kept the child. I think from prior Carl posts we had examples of how little he is willing to put himself out for his own kid. He just likes having a live bargaining chip I believe.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2013 19:16:27 GMT -5
"The Ex-Dh saw his opportunity to get out of the marriage with a very good outcome so he is also acting in his own self interest. " I believe they are still married. I don't think he has any interest in divorce. He wants a cash cow to live off IMHO. That's why he married her and I believe that's why he has kept the child. I think from prior Carl posts we had examples of how little he is willing to put himself out for his own kid. He just likes having a live bargaining chip I believe. Both my wife and I believe this is at the center of everything! He thought she was "rich" but did not realize it was all smokes. With her intent earlier to go to law school (plan that got derailed because he knocked her up) he thought he made it. I have never met a true male gold digger until I met him. He has a bachelors and was going for his masters , had a job when they were dating or just met and it was like the moment he knew he had her under his spell he stopped everything - quit his job - dropped out of the masters program - has been doing nothing for the past 5 years. The whole thing that started this moving out/divorce process was that his name was not on the deed/tittle of the house. He used leaving her as a ploy to force her hand and good thing her mom finally grew a pair and said no. He is pissed because : A) he forced her to buy the house with her inheritance B) yep you read that right, we found out he was the one that picked out the house and everything. Aunt did not see the house till after they made an offer on it. C) plan backfired when her mom had to move in. I am guessing he saw a lawyer that told him he would not be getting much because he has been trying to seduce her and get her back. When that does not work he turns into a jerk and tries to bully her. His ex-girlfriend was one of the smart one and dumped him. Now he has is back to his parents with 4 brothers, his son and having to take the bus. I won't give him all the blame because she likes to spend money to but he was definitely taking advantage of it. The whole trying to hit her started when he came to pick up his son and tried to go into her bag to get one of the credit cards. She refused, argument started, he tried to hit her and missed. This guy has pulled so many stupid shit that it even got to my MIL that is always the peaceful one. The other day she said: I want to kill him. He is a first class jerk! His ultimatum : your mom or me did not get the expected result so not like a toddler he is throwing a tantrum hoping to get his way.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Mar 6, 2013 19:46:21 GMT -5
Everybody that thinks the cousin is bipolar, what are you basing this on? Yes she is depressed obviously (who wouldn't be in those circumstances?) but I think everybody is throwing the "bipolar" around too loosely. If an MD didn't think so, what makes any of you more of an expert to claim someone whom you never met has a bipolar disorder? I cannot stand when people diagnose others. It just reminds me of how my ex-H called me crazy, bipolar, etc when in fact my only problem was HIM and the fact that I had just given birth to a 25-weeker! I think I mentioned bipolar first. I knew she had been hospitalized but couldn't recall if she had been diagnosed. I only thought it because the stuff Carl is describing is exactly how one of best friends acts when she has a manic episode. Maybe she isn't bipolar, but regardless she could really use therapy to get her through all this & avoid another breakdown.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2013 20:49:34 GMT -5
Bean29: there could have been more info on a different thread but remember that the info is from another person, you are not witnessing it and more importantly as far as i can tell you are not a trained professional observing her.
Again if a doctor didnt diagnose her, nobody here is nowhere near qualified to diagnose her no matter how much you think her symptoms sound like somebody you know. Even if you are a doctor you cant diagnose with info from a third fourth fifth person telling the story.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2013 21:38:14 GMT -5
Yippee!!! It seems the loser is finally working at Bloomingdales!!
Yeah! That means less if any alimony for him if they ever decide to divorce or at least we hope.
Funny how last year a 30k/year job was beneath him but now he is willing to take a part time job at Bloomingdales.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Mar 7, 2013 11:27:08 GMT -5
Bunnysmom: I never purported to be a Dr. I don't think you can be bi-polar and get well without treatment from a psychiatrist anyways.
This was my response: She will never be accurately diagnosed without continuing teatment. And I recommended she see a Psychatrist vs. her family Dr.
I stand by this. It may be some other form of depression. But like Angel, when you hear of the out of control spending and the other stuff ie very serious depression that was going on - recommending ongoing treatment only makes sense.
I beleve the Mom did not want her to continue treatment.
If your relationship was so destructive you might also find the Co-Dependent no more book interesting too. The idea is to be able to idently how a co-dependent relationship works and prevent yourself from being someone else's crutch. If people don't identify this they are at risk of ending up in a second relationship similar to the first.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2013 12:20:49 GMT -5
"But like Angel, when you hear of the out of control spending and the other stuff ie very serious depression that was going on - recommending ongoing treatment only makes sense."
Again any of this can easily be circumstantial. The out of control spending, well have you checked out WIRR, a lot of people have crazy debt because of out of control spending. That doesn't make any of them bipolar. The depression, if you had a no good loser for a husband and a lot of family/culture pressure to keep up an apperance, it is very easy to feel overwhelmed.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Mar 7, 2013 12:24:25 GMT -5
If your relationship was so destructive you might also find the Co-Dependent no more book interesting too. The idea is to be able to idently how a co-dependent relationship works and prevent yourself from being someone else's crutch. If people don't identify this they are at risk of ending up in a second relationship similar to the first. x 1000 If you don't identify patterns within yourself that attract you to losers (and losers to you), then you will attract them over & over again.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Mar 7, 2013 13:06:02 GMT -5
The diagnosis is irrelevant IMO, its the treatment that counts. Its obvious that she will not be treated because of the stigma, whatever her issue is, if the family doesn't wake up and stop trying to blame Romeo for her behavior. Bad relationships don't cause mental illness. If she is mentally ill, him falling off the face of the earth will accomplish nothing.
If the family can figure out how to get over their own prejudice about people with mental illness, she can get to a place that she is functional and happy. I know someone who is bi-polar and a complete train wreck when they dont take their meds. When they are medicated, they are perfectly functional and no one even knows they have a medical condition. It does take someone to monitor their meds and doc visits, but because they do have someone doing that for them, they are quite stable. If she does have an illness, she needs people who are willing to accept if for what it is and provide support to keep it all in check.
It does seem like everyone in the situation is addicted to drama. Its pretty easy to see from the outside.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2013 14:11:27 GMT -5
"Bad relationships don't cause mental illness. "
No but it could easily cause someone to be depressed for the time being. And we don't know that she actually has a mental illness.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 7, 2013 14:21:13 GMT -5
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Mar 7, 2013 14:21:28 GMT -5
Bunnysmom - would you rather someone who is depressed seek help and find out they do not have a mental illness, or someone who does have a mental illness not seek help, because they figure that the depression will blow over?
I'm in the better safe than sorry. This lady should seek counseling or treatment of some source. If it turns out that she is having normal grief over her life not being what she dreamed of, the counseling will help her move forward, and no further treatment will be necessary. If, however, the trained professional who spends time with her determines more should be done, then she will receive the help she needs.
Not sure why you are discouraging her from seeking help - no matter what her problem.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 7, 2013 14:22:23 GMT -5
She was kept in a mental institution for a time. You don't get held unless you're pretty bad off.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2013 14:53:10 GMT -5
"would you rather someone who is depressed seek help and find out they do not have a mental illness, or someone who does have a mental illness not seek help, because they figure that the depression will blow over?"
I think I didn't explain myself. I am all for her getting help but ... from a mental health professional. I am just against people on the internet who never met her, hearing a story from 3rd person diagnose her. I think she should definitely seek help from a professional.
"You don't get held unless you're pretty bad off. "
Pretty bad off doesn't equal bipolar. That is all I am trying to say.
I think people on this forum are too quick to diagnose and offer a solution to any and every situation and it always is the same advise. It is either couples counseling or individual counseling or both plus everybody has some mental illness (either bipolar or ADD/ADHD).
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2013 14:57:32 GMT -5
"- she had a good for nothing husband - not pulling his weight - no money - bills to pay - can barely feed their kids - him causing drama between her and her family - him cheating on her"
Read the above (in addition to everything else cawiu has told us) and tell me how many of you wouldn't be depressed? That doesn't mean bipolar. Bipolar is pretty extreme. I know about a girl who was off her medication 1 day and she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge on to the highway! Nothing cawiu has told us is that extreme. Overspending is nothing extreme, in fact, it is a way of life for a lot of people in the US. If she was really bipolar, would she be exercising daily? Yes she definitely needs professional help to be fully diagnosed and treated but she also needs to reduce the stress in her life.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 7, 2013 15:02:00 GMT -5
I'm just going off what Carl said the diagnosis is. I can also tell you from the experiences with my clients, you don't get held in a mental ward just for observation, there is got to be something seriously wrong with her.
I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but based on Carl's description of her, she's got serious mental issues that she is ignoring and her family is encouraging her to ignore them so they aren't embarassed by her mental illness, whatever it is.
She may be temporarily nuts because of her husband, but it sounds like she was pretty nuts to begin with.
spending binges and excessive exercise are also symptoms of the manic episodes of bipolar disorder.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 7, 2013 15:07:18 GMT -5
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Mar 7, 2013 15:19:07 GMT -5
"- she had a good for nothing husband - not pulling his weight - no money - bills to pay - can barely feed their kids - him causing drama between her and her family - him cheating on her" Read the above (in addition to everything else cawiu has told us) and tell me how many of you wouldn't be depressed? All reasons she needs to see a therapist. She put up with this stuff for 7 years. She went off the deep end & had to be hospitalized. Even IF he was totally the cause of the breakdown she needs therapy to figure out why she put up with it for so long (and honestly is still putting up with it). I agree this family seems to thrive on drama. She could have ended all this with a restraining order when he tried to hit her. Yet, for some reason the guy currently has physical custody of the child & she hasn't seen the kid for 3 weeks. But, THAT hasn't sent her off the deep end? Sorry, but someone has my kid & won't let me see them & I would not be out shopping & planning vacations & getting tattoos. I would be going fucking nuts & would be going to every lawyer in town in an attempt to get an emergency hearing with a judge regarding custody ASAP. If I was acting like her in that situation, it would be because I was seriously in denial & trying to repress my feelings.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 7, 2013 15:21:13 GMT -5
The least of my concerns would be jetting off to Haiti for a weekend.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 7, 2013 15:23:04 GMT -5
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Mar 7, 2013 15:26:01 GMT -5
"- she had a good for nothing husband - not pulling his weight - no money - bills to pay - can barely feed their kids - him causing drama between her and her family - him cheating on her" Read the above (in addition to everything else cawiu has told us) and tell me how many of you wouldn't be depressed? That doesn't mean bipolar. Bipolar is pretty extreme. I know about a girl who was off her medication 1 day and she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge on to the highway! Nothing cawiu has told us is that extreme. Overspending is nothing extreme, in fact, it is a way of life for a lot of people in the US. If she was really bipolar, would she be exercising daily? Yes she definitely needs professional help to be fully diagnosed and treated but she also needs to reduce the stress in her life. And just as being "bad off" doesnt translate to bipolar in your eyes, having a shitty life doesnt translate into depressed in in everyone elses. Most of this nonsense is self created by various relatives who love drama. My sense is they arent happy unless there is chaos going on in their lives and make sure to continually whip it up to keep everyones attention. They all sound immature. The issue here is a baby who I wouldnt trust to someone who has been locked up in a mental hospital and hasnt done anything to resolve her issues even if they are nothing more than being depressed because she is married to an ass. Sorry but I believe about 10% of the OPs version of events as I know all to well how these stories get skewed depending on which family member is yours. BTW, Im not sure why you think its something special that she exercises. It would be far less likely for her to exercise if she were depressed...manic people have all kinds of energy.
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