raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 5, 2013 11:43:50 GMT -5
We don't have an issue with extended family. We are very concerned about in-laws finances in the coming years. Fil was in the hospital a few weeks ago and decided that we will move in with mil once he dies. Dh repeatedly told him that isn't going to happen but they wouldn't even acknowledge he was speaking. I love my in-laws, but won't live with them and we don't make enough money to give to them. My sil always talked like the parents would live with her when needed but her situation has changed and I don't see that happening now. I try not to worry, but I can't see any good outcomes so its tough.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 5, 2013 11:48:12 GMT -5
We don't have an issue with extended family. We are very concerned about in-laws finances in the coming years. Fil was in the hospital a few weeks ago and decided that we will move in with mil once he dies. Dh repeatedly told him that isn't going to happen but they wouldn't even acknowledge he was speaking. I love my in-laws, but won't live with them and we don't make enough money to give to them. My sil always talked like the parents would live with her when needed but her situation has changed and I don't see that happening now. I try not to worry, but I can't see any good outcomes so its tough. Yeah, my FIL had a cancer scare around Christmas. DH and I don't think his Mom can live on her own. There may be enough money but I doubt it as they live off their SS. There's some retirement money but not much. And I don't think there's any kind of pensions involved. I don't know what's going to happen when either of them passes.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 5, 2013 11:53:40 GMT -5
Make sure your wife knows that any money she is pressured to give her cousin comes out of her spending money, not household money. That should help her say "no" as well if she has to give up a 500 dollar purse for her cousin!
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 5, 2013 11:55:51 GMT -5
Make sure your wife knows that any money she is pressured to give her cousin comes out of her spending money, not household money. That should help her say "no" as well if she has to give up a 500 dollar purse for her cousin!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2013 12:04:37 GMT -5
Double
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 5, 2013 12:09:02 GMT -5
They're pissed you stay away because they can't mooch off you or suck you into their drama. I wonder how normal families manage to do it? Since I never had one, I wouldn't know either!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2013 12:12:43 GMT -5
My entire immediate family lives in this County (except for my snowbird parents who are part-timers now!) and we do it by being raised to be self sufficient.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Mar 5, 2013 13:25:41 GMT -5
"Do you feel any obligations to your extended family?"
No, not really. Haven't seen most of them since my sister's wedding in 2011, and some of them longer than that.
And I understand being frustrated with you always bending over backwards to travel out there but no one will come visit you. It's like that with my sister. I'll travel out to Indiana at my own expense over the holidays and she'll spend 80%+ of her time in Cleveland with her in laws. I understand she needs to see them too, but the time she tends to spend there is disproportionate, and she has NEVER come visited me.
Even when I only lived about 2 hours away, I only went to visit my parents maybe 6 times a year
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2013 14:01:12 GMT -5
if I was single or if we didn't have any kids, I'd have no issue moving away from my family. I do love them and for the most part everyone is self-sufficient (except my aunt, but we won't go there), but I am sick of living in the Northeast - it's expensive, unfriendly, and cold. But I don't want DS to be that far from his extended family and we still rely on child care help from DH's family. Although when my mom and I went to FL a couple of weeks ago I was EXTREMELY tempted to tell DH to quit his job and put the house up for sale....
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 5, 2013 16:39:21 GMT -5
This is my second winter in the Midwest and it will be my last. I'm house hunting next week in Florida.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Mar 5, 2013 17:42:56 GMT -5
"Do you feel any obligations to your extended family?"
Yes, if anyone in my extended family needed anything I would be there for them. However, my family isn't crazy, my relatives haven't burned me time & again, my family generally doesn't ask for anything. So, if anyone did ask for anything, then I would know things are very serious & I would do whatever they need in a heartbeat.
And I can totally see not handing over a kid to someone who isn't mentally stable. It sounds like her family is the only thing keeping her together, so it probably only a matter of time before she falls apart again.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 6, 2013 10:01:58 GMT -5
Plus, whoever has the child has the leverage as well as child support!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2013 10:07:02 GMT -5
Plus, whoever has the child has the leverage as well as child support! The husband has been unemployed for 5 years if not more, even if she gets full custody I doubt she will see a dime in child support.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Mar 6, 2013 10:34:11 GMT -5
Manage what? Staying "normal". We aren't as normal as we look. My family has been there for us the last couple months. Not always physically because they live far away, but they've been giving us emotional support from where they live. Now, I'm not exactly asking them for money. Just needing moral support ... and my mom staying with us for 3 weeks. But that impacts my siblings too since my mom visits her other grandchildren fairly regularly. It also impacts my dad, Grandma, and Great Aunt. The younger of Dh's 2 brothers is a mess. While I wouldn't just give him money, I've offered to pay for gas for his vehicle so he could come visit and DH and I have talked about buying him a prepaid cell phone if needed. However, he has shown that he doesn't care that his brother had back surgery, doesn't care that he has a new niece, etc. He lives about an hour away. We haven't seen him since the middle of September. He blew off Thanksgiving at our house (didn't call us, just called his mom with some lame excuse). He called Christmas morning to say he wasn't going to make it and despite having a baby and DH having surgery, we have not heard from him since. I'd still be willing to buy a tank of gas for him to visit, but I'm pretty much done with his selfishness. DH says he has always been like this, but this is the worst it has been in our 7 years of marriage.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Mar 6, 2013 10:46:31 GMT -5
Carl, if what you say is true, they are still doing nothing to address the cousin's issues which is day to day living. Tatoos, trips to Haiti, really are just distractions that do nothing to address the problem. Do you and your wife agree that no one in the family is really supporting this cousin or does DW just want to go on the trip?
Good luck whatever happens. I agree with you that the cousin and her hubby are both crazy. Just different kinds.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 6, 2013 11:14:11 GMT -5
This is my second winter in the Midwest and it will be my last. I'm house hunting next week in Florida. I thought your FI bought you a house in Florida? Or am I confused?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2013 11:18:57 GMT -5
Carl, if what you say is true, they are still doing nothing to address the cousin's issues which is day to day living. Tatoos, trips to Haiti, really are just distractions that do nothing to address the problem. Do you and your wife agree that no one in the family is really supporting this cousin or does DW just want to go on the trip? Have you met my wife family? They are really good at sticking their heads in the sand and ignoring the problem until they cannot ignore it anymore. So for now they are keeping her entertain and her down time to a minimum. One cousin has become her BFF and goes to the gym with her, dinner, travel with her, keeps her company etc. So far it's working besides her spending like crazy! And my wife just want to support her I guess/be there for her. They haven't seen each other since this mess started. I agree! I seriously believe they need to get back together because they deserve each other.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 6, 2013 12:11:21 GMT -5
And my wife just want to support her I guess/be there for her. They haven't seen each other since this mess started.
She can do it without having to go on weekend trips to Haiti or down to Florida with the cousins who want to get tattoos.
That’s an awful lot of money to be spending to postpone the inevitable. . Your wife needs to see the difference before she and her wallet (and possibly yours!) get sucked back into the drama. She can support from a distance with emails and phone calls. Which is really what is best in situations like this. It sucks and you get called a horrible human being but it’s what an actual therapist would tell your wife to do. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.
You can certainly enable them though which is what her other cousins are doing.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 6, 2013 12:17:38 GMT -5
No, it's not working. You can't fix mental illness by ignoring it and "Keeping a person occupied."
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Mar 6, 2013 12:18:44 GMT -5
Plus, whoever has the child has the leverage as well as child support! The husband has been unemployed for 5 years if not more, even if she gets full custody I doubt she will see a dime in child support. Well, Cawiau obviously knows the situation far better than any of us. But if she really is as crazy as you make her out to be then I can see why her husband has with held the kid from seeing her. She sounds like an unfit parent based on your description. The other guy does sound lazy, but being unemployed, even willfully unemployed, doesn't necessarily make someone a bad parent. Parental rights and responsibilites shouldn't be tied to wheather you have a job or not.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Mar 6, 2013 12:21:18 GMT -5
It does if you are a man.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 6, 2013 12:22:26 GMT -5
I would be shocked if she got full custody considering her issues. You may think her husband is crazy but there are different levesls of crazy. While it still sucks the father's crazy doesn't sound as potentially dangerous to the kid as mom's crazy does. I think your wife's family is going to be in for a real shock once they get to court. I don't think a judge is going to consider trips to Haiti proper mental health care. And it is too working Swamp. Everyone gets to put their head in the sand and pretend she is fine while spending oodles of money that probably belong to someone else.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2013 12:23:19 GMT -5
Nah, we rag on SAHM's too.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Mar 6, 2013 12:29:33 GMT -5
Is she seeing a therapist? I am trying to remember - was she diagnosed as bipolar? A lot of the stuff you are describing really sounds like a manic episode of a bipolar person - I know uncontrolled spending & this type of travel are 2 signs of a manic episode.
The best thing your wife can do to help is make sure she is getting help.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 6, 2013 12:30:40 GMT -5
Is she seeing a therapist? I am trying to remember - was she diagnosed as bipolar? A lot of the stuff you are describing really sounds like a manic episode of a bipolar person - I know uncontrolled spending & this type of travel are 2 signs of a manic episode. The best thing your wife can do to help is make sure she is getting help. and not participate in the mania.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Mar 6, 2013 12:40:38 GMT -5
Nah, we rag on SAHM's too. Only half of us...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 6, 2013 13:50:27 GMT -5
If the husband gets custody, he'll get money from her still, which is what he wants.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Mar 6, 2013 14:05:11 GMT -5
If the husband gets custody, he'll get money from her still, which is what he wants. Could be. I wonder if they are finalizing the custody they already agreed upon or if he is seeking more. She is not in a good position to fight for full custody, ESPECIALLY if he can show she is mentally unwell & not seeking treatment. I really hope that her family has her getting help. All the vacations & keeping busy in the world can't fight off untreated depression forever. Encouraging frivolous spending she probably can't afford is just enabling the behavior.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 6, 2013 14:07:00 GMT -5
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Mar 6, 2013 14:18:45 GMT -5
If the husband gets custody, he'll get money from her still, which is what he wants. Perhaps, but based on Cawaiu's description, the kid is probably better off with a Dad who doesn't like to work much and gets child support from his mother than with a crazy mom who won't get treated. There are worse fates than having to pay child support and/or alimony to a lazy spouse.
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