Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 6, 2011 8:57:20 GMT -5
DF and I are getting married in less than 13 weeks, and we're getting ready to send out invitations. I emailed his cousin the guest lists to get some addresses from her, and she emailed me back with the ones I'd requested...
...along with twenty or thirty new names.
I had never heard of any of the people she'd added. Apparently they're distant relations. DF knows who they are but says he doesn't talk to them on a regular basis and that there is no way they would come but in his family it's "just polite" to invite everyone, even people you don't expect to show up.
I am not even a little bit okay with this. The extra names kick our guest list from about 80, which is fine but tight, to just over 100. If they all DO show up, it will cost at least an extra $5,000 which we REALLY don't have right now - and I'm not comfortable assuming that at least twenty people won't come.
I've heard of people getting SCREWED assuming that before - but even more than that, I am very, very, very against the idea of inviting people to our wedding that we don't actually want. It's supposed to be a special and reasonably intimate day in our lives. I don't want a load of strangers there, and I really don't want to be looking around the chapel and wishing that certain people hadn't shown up.
DF keeps insisting it's just good manners to invite them and that they'll never come.
WWYD?
|
|
ontrack
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 21, 2011 9:44:36 GMT -5
Posts: 967
|
Post by ontrack on Jul 6, 2011 9:00:24 GMT -5
I would not invite them under any circumstances. My fiance invited a bunch of his extended family, saying "oh, at least half of them won't come" and guess what? Almost all of them are coming. We thought we'd be able to invite a few of our "B list" people but now that's not possible and I'm freaking out b/c the venue only holds 75-80 and we invited 90.
|
|
|
Post by stl76 on Jul 6, 2011 9:10:18 GMT -5
I wouldn't send them invitations. You and DF had a plan to invite 80 guests and 80 guests only. So if he wants to invite those people, then he needs to give up other people. I would think it is more rude to invite people with the hopes of them not showing up. If they are so distant, they do not need to be invited. And what is up with the cousin who took it upon herself to add people to YOUR wedding guest list? Is she paying for them?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 16, 2024 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 9:11:39 GMT -5
|
|
busymom
Distinguished Associate
Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:09:36 GMT -5
Posts: 28,448
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IPauJ5.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0D317F
Mini-Profile Text Color: 0D317F
|
Post by busymom on Jul 6, 2011 9:20:41 GMT -5
I wouldn't send them invitations either. It's your wedding, so your relatives have no say on who to invite, or how many to invite. No apologies necessary.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 16, 2024 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 9:21:15 GMT -5
Another vote for don't invite them. And one of the easiest ways to explain it is to say it is a small wedding so you arbitrarily limitted the guest list to relationships first cousin or closer. Or people you have seen within the last 12 months.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 16, 2024 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 9:25:25 GMT -5
The question is really do you want them at the wedding or not. It sounds like your husband does and you do not.
I would not invite people who I didn't want to come, believing they will not come.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,372
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 6, 2011 9:31:27 GMT -5
No, no and heck no. Your money (I presume), your wedding, your decisions. How nice that this cousin wants these folks to be there. Let HER pony up the bucks, or throw her own wedding and ask them to come.
I ran into the same issue with my wedding, and stood my ground. MY DH and I were paying, we knew what our budget could withstand. And extra people were not part of it.
|
|
|
Post by pig on Jul 6, 2011 9:33:47 GMT -5
There is an easy answer to this question. We faced the same dilema as it was also polite in both our families to include everyone. Pick up the phone and call them and ask if are planning on attending. People, for the most part, are honest and they will tell you if they have no intention of going. You can also plan on about 10% of those who say they will come not due to various reasons.
Once you know the actual number that plan to attend send the invite even to those who say they can't make it. That covers all your bases.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 6, 2011 9:34:36 GMT -5
I would think it is more rude to invite people with the hopes of them not showing up. If they are so distant, they do not need to be invited. And what is up with the cousin who took it upon herself to add people to YOUR wedding guest list? Is she paying for them?
SO MUCH THIS. I was pissed at TheCousin. I thought it was incredibly presumptuous to just add people when we're paying for everything ourselves.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 16, 2024 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 9:35:49 GMT -5
The cousin didn't "add anyone" in any meaningful way. She just gave you addresses she thought you might want. It's not like she sent them invites.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 6, 2011 9:36:05 GMT -5
Pick up the phone and call them and ask if are planning on attending. People, for the most part, are honest and they will tell you if they have no intention of going. You can also plan on about 10% of those who say they will come not due to various reasons.
The problem is that I don't actually know these people. There were a couple names on the list that DF didn't even recognize!
I just need to convince DF that this is a bad idea. He's worried we'll offend people by not inviting them.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 6, 2011 9:37:17 GMT -5
The cousin didn't "add anyone" in any meaningful way. She just gave you addresses she thought you might want. It's not like she sent them invites.
True, but she didn't ask me if I wanted the names, just stuck them on the end of the list. If that was her way of offering addresses she thought I might want, it was pretty passive-aggressive in my opinion. What if she's already talked to some of these people and implied that they're going to be invited? I'm going to look like a bitch.
|
|
|
Post by pig on Jul 6, 2011 9:38:17 GMT -5
The problem is that I don't actually know these people. I see. Talk it over with your fiancee then to see if he really wants to invite them. If he doesn't then don't but if you are in disagreement for whatever reason ask his mother to call these people so you can get a head count. I'm sure she'll love being involved in the wedding.
|
|
Waffle
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 12, 2011 11:31:54 GMT -5
Posts: 4,391
|
Post by Waffle on Jul 6, 2011 9:39:14 GMT -5
I'd cut the cousin some slack. Given what your soon to be husband said about it being polite (aka expected) to invite everyone in his family, she might have just thought she was helping you out by adding more names.
If your DF really wants to invite, could you just invite them to the wedding and not the reception? (I'm guessing the reception would be where the extra costs would be incurred).
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,345
|
Post by swamp on Jul 6, 2011 9:39:43 GMT -5
I would think it is more rude to invite people with the hopes of them not showing up. If they are so distant, they do not need to be invited. And what is up with the cousin who took it upon herself to add people to YOUR wedding guest list? Is she paying for them? SO MUCH THIS. I was pissed at TheCousin. I thought it was incredibly presumptuous to just add people when we're paying for everything ourselves. I dont know what it is about weddings that bring out the inner rude in people........... DH and I sent an invite to his cousin and her husband. She sent back that 5 were attending, the cousin intended to bring her daugther, her son in law, and her grandchild. Um, no. That wasn't a very pleasant phone call. Then a cousin he hasn't spoken to in years (he has about 75 first cousins) called me up, wanted me to represent her son in family court for free because "we're family now" and asked where her wedding invite was. FFS, where do these people come from. Oh, and back to the OP. No, I wouldn't invite the new suggestions from the cousin.
|
|
Gardening Grandma
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:39:46 GMT -5
Posts: 17,962
|
Post by Gardening Grandma on Jul 6, 2011 9:40:28 GMT -5
1) I'd thank the cousin for the addresses and say something along the line of "unfortunately our guest list is full and we just can't accomodate any more. But thanks anyway".....
2) I'd mail announcements (after the festivities) to the uninvited distant relatives.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,325
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 6, 2011 9:40:52 GMT -5
You might offend a couple of people but that is THEIR problem, no one should assume they are going to be invited to a wedding.
You call the cousin up and you tell her that you are sorry but you cannot accomodate the extra people that she has requested.
If she has told them they are invited SHE is the one that will be the bad guy, not you or your DH. See the above as to why.
If you need a reason do what everyone here already said tell them you are keeping the guest list small which as Miss Manners says is a nice way of getting across "We are not inviting YOU".
Whatever you do, do not send these people invites becasue then you are stuck. NEVER invite people and hope they do not attend because it can backfire in your face. A common thread on the Knot and the WC are brides saying "We invited 100 people but hoped only 60 would attend, 80 people RSVP'ed and we can't afford the 20 extra people!". Don't wind up getting stuck paying for a bunch of people you don't even know.
|
|
lazysundays
Familiar Member
http://triggur.livejournal.com/476376.html
Joined: Jun 27, 2011 21:14:01 GMT -5
Posts: 679
|
Post by lazysundays on Jul 6, 2011 9:41:05 GMT -5
in my family, i had dh deal with his family politics and I deal with my family politics. if you are paying this is even easier. you can't afford it, end of story. if someone else if flipping the bill, than invite them (be careful that you dont invite over 100 for a max of 100 room). have dh deal with his family member and let that person know that the two of you just can't... if he is chicken and insists have him get the extra job until the 5000$ is paid for. i guess in our family dynamics this is a no brainer, but for you it's just a matter of you handling the matter. I say if you cant talk with them, call the cousin directly and see what she expects to happen..
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 16, 2024 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 9:41:49 GMT -5
True, but she didn't ask me if I wanted the names, just stuck them on the end of the list. If that was her way of offering addresses she thought I might want, it was pretty passive-aggressive in my opinion. What if she's already talked to some of these people and implied that they're going to be invited? I'm going to look like a bitch. Then she is going to be embarrassed. I really think you are overreacting. If anyone thinks YOU are a bitch for not inviting people you never met they are completely unreasonable and you won't be able to appease them forever anyway. But I really doubt anyone is going to be that bent out of shape about it. I think she just sent you the names of the people that "normally" get invited to these things. And they are probably "normally" invited as a left over from the parents generation. This really is not a big deal.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 6, 2011 9:42:41 GMT -5
Whatever you do, do not send these people invites becasue then you are stuck. NEVER invite people and hope they do not attend because it can backfire in your face. A common thread on the Knot and the WC are brides saying "We invited 100 people but hoped only 60 would attend, 80 people RSVP'ed and we can't afford the 20 extra people!". Don't wind up getting stuck paying for a bunch of people you don't even know.
My point exactly. I'm going to ask DF to read this thread. I keep telling him that there is no way we can guarantee that these people won't show up to our wedding. Even if they have lived under a rock for the past 15 years, they might decide that our wedding is the perfect occasion to emerge from their rock to talk about the virtues of rock-living.
|
|
|
Post by pig on Jul 6, 2011 9:43:02 GMT -5
I'd mail announcements to the uninvited distant relatives. Now that's rude. That's like saying we got married, you weren't invited but we want a gift Forgot to ask but did you already get a head count of who is going and who isn't? If you didn't you may find that a lot are not able to go allowing you to invite those "extra" people.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 6, 2011 9:43:09 GMT -5
Then she is going to be embarrassed. I really think you are overreacting. If anyone thinks YOU are a bitch for not inviting people you never met they are completely unreasonable and you won't be able to appease them forever anyway. But I really doubt anyone is going to be that bent out of shape about it.
I hope you're right.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,325
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 6, 2011 9:44:33 GMT -5
My DH went on and on about how it was "expected" of him to invite his entire family. Our guest list would have been over 500 people when you start adding on kids. I told him no way and he flipped. Talking to his mother she said these people don't expect to be invited and wouldn't know DH from Adam anyhow. We've never heard a peep from any of his distant relatives we did not invite to our wedding.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 16, 2024 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 9:45:39 GMT -5
Men should not be allowed to be part of planning a wedding.
|
|
|
Post by pig on Jul 6, 2011 9:47:14 GMT -5
I actually enjoyed it Archie. Granted I didn't do much but it was fun to be involved.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 16, 2024 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 9:48:09 GMT -5
I actually enjoyed it Archie. Granted I didn't do much but it was fun to be involved. You and ironically gay best friends are not included in my statement.
|
|
ontrack
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 21, 2011 9:44:36 GMT -5
Posts: 967
|
Post by ontrack on Jul 6, 2011 9:49:37 GMT -5
I'd cut the cousin some slack. Given what your soon to be husband said about it being polite (aka expected) to invite everyone in his family, she might have just thought she was helping you out by adding more names. If your DF really wants to invite, could you just invite them to the wedding and not the reception? (I'm guessing the reception would be where the extra costs would be incurred). I've heard inviting people to the ceremony and not the reception is rude.
|
|
Gardening Grandma
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:39:46 GMT -5
Posts: 17,962
|
Post by Gardening Grandma on Jul 6, 2011 9:49:38 GMT -5
I'd mail announcements to the uninvited distant relatives. Now that's rude. That's like saying we got married, you weren't invited but we want a gift Forgot to ask but did you already get a head count of who is going and who isn't? If you didn't you may find that a lot are not able to go allowing you to invite those "extra" people. I don't think it's rude. I've gotten announcements from distant relatives - the wedding was way too far for me to go. But I appreciated the announcement. I respond with a card (and a small check). I do think it would be rude to invite them only to the ceremony. Esp if they travelled a long way. And there's the chance that they'd assume they'd been invited to both and show up. Then WWYD?
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 6, 2011 9:50:41 GMT -5
Just don't invite them. Don't be pissed about it, just don't do it. Also, since this is a cousin of your DF she may feel that your DF is closer to people than he actually is because she is. No big deal.
We did invite a bunch of people thinking they would not show up. We were correct. Part of it was that we felt like we had to invite all of our coworkers because we worked together and we wanted to invite some of them. But the wedding was 450 miles away. So, we knew most of them would not come. It turned out none of them came. Then we both had some relatives that we knew would not be up to making the trip. So we invited about 180 people and only had 90 show up which was perfect.
|
|