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Post by pig on Jul 6, 2011 9:52:20 GMT -5
Yes do not invite someone to the ceremony and not the reception. GG if I got an announcement I'd throw it in the trash--no gift. That's because I'm exceptional Archie and you know it!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 9:54:23 GMT -5
I have to disagree with some of these ideas. The main one is this: You have NO obligation to explain anything to anyone. Just drop the entire situation and move along with your plans. The more it gets discussed with reasons the more you have just started the old telephone game played around the table. Then YOU become the bad guy while everyone else goes merrily on their way.
Just because someone tried to start the game by no means you have to play.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jul 6, 2011 9:57:04 GMT -5
Keep it simple - take the addresses that you need from the list. Ignore the rest. Send her a thank you for the list. You are not obligated to have a rational for who you do and don't invite. Also, I wouldn't send announcements to people who are not invited to the wedding.
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Post by pig on Jul 6, 2011 9:57:45 GMT -5
You have NO obligation to explain anything to anyone.
I don't think this is really true. This is family and you are going to have to deal with them (hopefully) for a very long time. Don't taint the well right off the bat.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 6, 2011 9:58:08 GMT -5
Coworkers I think are different. If I had invited my boss as a formality I knew he would not have attended because weddings aren't his thing.
In the case of DH's family if we had invited "everyone", "everyone" would have shown up because his is one of those families that if they get an invite, they feel obligated ot attend. There is no way we would have been able to afford that many people.
I actually had people tell us they were RELIEVED we did not formally invite them to our wedding because it was one less "obligation". Guess it took one person breaking the cycle for everyone to get on board.
As for inviting to the wedding only, if a person gets formally invited they need to be invited to the reception. It's rude and tacky to exclude them from it. Basically it sends the message that you are good enough to come to our wedding and bring us a gift, but not good enough for us to bother feeding you.
The exception is people likeif you belong to a parish and some of the congregation want to attend but weren't formally invited. It's understood they were not formally invited and therefore won't be attending the reception.
But if you send someone an invite personally in the mail, it needs to be for the entire shindig.
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Jul 6, 2011 9:59:26 GMT -5
The don't invite them idea makes perfect sense to me (calling the cousin and telling them you're not inviting any extra people seems even better). I have on a couple of occasions been invited to a wedding, but not a reception - that's where that idea came from - but if you all say it's rude. I believe you.
Firebird - what would be your DF's plan? If he wants to invite all the extra people and even a portion of them showed up, it would evidently throw you over budget - so what happens then (in his view)? I'm probably looking at it from the "wrong angle" but I'm just more concerned about this becoming a bone of contention between Firebird and her DF than I am about the final decision of who does and who doesn't get invited to the wedding.
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lazysundays
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Post by lazysundays on Jul 6, 2011 9:59:42 GMT -5
The problem with emails is they have no tone or voice. you are reading too much into it. call the cousin. you are stuff with the family, get used to communicating with them. but call and discuss with cousin, because you might be getting uptight for nothing. is cousin married? maybe she had to deal with the same situation etc.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 10:00:34 GMT -5
For my wedding our parents did the same to us and in our culture it is somewhat the norm. They invited people in Europe, Canada, Haiti, Dominican Republic, etc. 90% of these people did not come (except for really close relatives/friends that did travel for the wedding) but it would have been quite disrecpectful/unpolite not to invite them.
But it's your wedding and you are paying, do as you please.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 6, 2011 10:01:56 GMT -5
Showing DH how much it would cost to invite "everyone" really helped with getting him on board. I showed him how much it cost with our planned list and then how much it'd cost with "everyone". Very eye opening for him. I was handling all the deposits and bills so DH really didn't grasp how much things cost despite knowing our "budget". He thought it was totally doable to fit that many people in a $3k budget.
Getting his mother involved helped too because she smacked some sense into him.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jul 6, 2011 10:17:03 GMT -5
okay sweetheart, deep breaths, deep breaths. This is a hiccup, not a crisis. I have to ask, is this one of his cousins who is also one of your cousins? If not, can you talk to one of them and ask what they think? But regardless of what anyone else says, the only people who control of the wedding guest list are you and DF. Send the cousin a note saying thank you for the information, and that while you would shout your love for DF from the moutaintops and have the world witness you pledging to spend your lvies together, venue restrictions don't allow you to invite any more people. However, you would be more than happy to send the relatives announcements, if that's customary in the family.
My father's family is Southern. I very specifically chose a venue that wouldn't hold more than 50 people. We sent announcements and then included actual invitations as an insert for the people we actually wanted there. (My grandparents got an actual invite even though we knew they couldn't make the trip.) This is, in fact, proper etiquette.
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lazysundays
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Post by lazysundays on Jul 6, 2011 10:21:11 GMT -5
They should make cards for family members that you cannot invite: just letting you know that we thought of you, but our small wedding does not allow for a big wedding list. .. it sounds rude.. maybe send them a party favor too after the wedding... idk
i actually sent the party favors to the people that couldnt make it. they did send a gift so they got thank yous and mini gifts... we didnt invite anyone we didnt want or couldnt afford
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Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Jul 6, 2011 10:23:22 GMT -5
I'll give you two options: wedding announcement or Christmas card list. I dont' think announcements are a cash grab, especially because it's obvious that you're not shelling out money for them in the form of an invitation.
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lazysundays
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Post by lazysundays on Jul 6, 2011 10:24:47 GMT -5
shanen- didn't some people confuse the announcement as an invite?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 6, 2011 10:25:05 GMT -5
""I'm not sure if this is considered rude or not. When I sent out invitations, I didn't send the generic "Smith Family" ones, I took the time to list their names. As in "Bob, Mary, Steve, and Jane Smith" I didn't think we'd have a lot of extras, but I wanted to head that one off at the pass.""
I invited Cousin and Mr. Cousin on the invite, and that's it. Cousin's adult daughter, husband and child don't even live there. They just took it upon themselves to invite extras at $60 a plate.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 6, 2011 10:29:15 GMT -5
With annoucements it depends. Older people in my family and his would know it is an annoucement and not an invite. Younger people? Not so much. We had an invite come back that they had scribbled out the number on the envelope (how we were tracking people) and wrote in "We want to sit next to SIL". So we had to go back thru my spreadsheet and try thru process of elimination to figure out who these guests were. We had to call MIL and she tracked down who it was that sent the mystery RSVP. Then they added two more people to their RSVP. Turns out their parents had lost their reception card so they just added them on. Gah! How the hell were we supposed to know that since they crossed out the number on the envelope and didn't bother to write down names on the RSVP card?
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jul 6, 2011 10:31:00 GMT -5
lazy: Not really, because announcements are very common in the South. And, it said very specifically: "We are pleased to announce..." Reception information was not included except in the insert for those who were actually invited.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 10:32:48 GMT -5
Pardon?
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Post by stl76 on Jul 6, 2011 10:34:30 GMT -5
"I just need to convince DF that this is a bad idea. He's worried we'll offend people by not inviting them. "
With that logic the relatives may decide they will offend you and your DF (or his parents that they are probably closer with) if they don't show up. So they may all show up. You and your DF already made the decision to have a small wedding and have a head count. His mother obviously didn't give you the extra names so it cannot be that important, I would just ignore those names added to the list by the cousin who has no say in anything. In my opinion, anything more distant than 1st cousins do not need to be invited unless you are very close with them and I would not think it would be seen as rude.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 10:36:39 GMT -5
For the cousin, if this was a handwritted list she gave you, then it was probably passive aggressive. If she sent you an electronic file, she may have just exported all of the "family" addresses she had. She may not have been presumptuous so much as efficient.
As far as who you invite, that is your business for extended family. I think there is some immediate family threshold where you probably do just have to invite everyone within that sphere. If DF has 12 first cousins, but is only close with 10 of them, you probably just need to invite them all. If he has 50 first cousins and is only close with 10 of them, that is a different story. If we are talking about a relative more distant than first cousin, then you can pick and choose at your leisure.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 10:37:30 GMT -5
But invitations or announcements to people you don't expect to attend will probably come across as a gift grab.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 6, 2011 10:38:40 GMT -5
I would just ignore those names added to the list by the cousin who has no say in anything. In my opinion, anything more distant than 1st cousins do not need to be invited unless you are very close with them and I would not think it would be seen as rudeI told DH the cut off was if he had to call his mother to get the name of "so and so". If you can't even tell me their name off the top of your head they are probably not going to care if they are invited. This was at his family's 4th of July party and he'd go "That's uhhh h h. .. hey mom, who is that again?"
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jul 6, 2011 10:39:53 GMT -5
Pardon? FB and her DF are not related, but they have some mutual cousins. It's how they met. Anyway, what I am saying there, is that there are people who are related to both sides of the family who might be able to help her navigate this.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Jul 6, 2011 10:40:07 GMT -5
I like the idea of calling the cousin (or his mom) and saying that unfortunately the size of the venue prevents you from expanding your guest list, but you want to find out if announcements are customary in his family and if not, would they like you to send holiday cards to these people this year so that they know you got married.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jul 6, 2011 10:45:16 GMT -5
But invitations or announcements to people you don't expect to attend will probably come across as a gift grab. I doubt it, at least if its common in the family to send announcements to everyone. I was concerned about this and actually pondered just sending a stack of announcements to my grandparents so that they could hand them out to whoever they wanted to. However, after long conversations with my father and my grandparents, I was assured that the family would not send gifts if they did not want to, but that they would appreciate the announcement either way.
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ontrack
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Post by ontrack on Jul 6, 2011 10:47:03 GMT -5
People who get announcements don't get confused and think that they are invites because generally, announcements are sent after the wedding takes place. Also, I might be sending announcements and I have no expectation of getting gifts to those I send them to.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 6, 2011 10:47:12 GMT -5
This was the most frustrating part of wedding planning for me! DH also has a huge family with about 80 cousins, some of whom I'm not even sure ARE cousins, and he is not great at figuring out which branch of the family tree they're from...
The same situation came up, and I put my foot down on inviting people who hadn't seen DH since he was born. He had the exact same attitude as your DF - not wanting to offend anyone - but unless your DF's family is just crazy about holding grudges, I doubt anyone will even notice. You may also want to point out exactly how much more it will cost to have X more guests.
Oh so our husbands are related? ;D
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 6, 2011 11:09:57 GMT -5
I've heard inviting people to the ceremony and not the reception is rude.
I think it's very rude, personally. It's like saying "well, you're good enough to sit through our ceremony and give us a present but we don't want to feed you."
Besides, it wouldn't save me much money to do that - part of the extra cost is that I have to pay the chapel extra money for each additional group of 20 over the first 50.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jul 6, 2011 11:12:36 GMT -5
I would assume the extra names and address were just information not even a hint at invitations. Some day you may want to know all his cousins names and addresses.
Don't invite anyone you don't care to invite and can't afford. I don't even like spending money on clothing and spending a day shopping the a day for a wedding unless the people are very close. I have never been invited to a cousin's wedding. One cousin invited me to her daughter's wedding because she invited my mom and knew if mom went she needed someone to drive her. Mom didn't want to go so I told mom to tell her sister to tell her daughter that I wasn't coming either.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 6, 2011 11:18:14 GMT -5
I have to ask, is this one of his cousins who is also one of your cousins? If not, can you talk to one of them and ask what they think?
Way to make us sound like kissing cousins, shanendoah ;D (just kidding - and we're not, for the record; DF and I are NO BLOOD RELATION to one another whatsoever).
And she's my aunts' sister, so no direct connection to my family. But you make a good point - maybe I can call one of my aunts and ask why TheCousin felt compelled to invite these particular people.
Firebird - what would be your DF's plan? If he wants to invite all the extra people and even a portion of them showed up, it would evidently throw you over budget - so what happens then (in his view)? I'm probably looking at it from the "wrong angle" but I'm just more concerned about this becoming a bone of contention between Firebird and her DF than I am about the final decision of who does and who doesn't get invited to the wedding.
DF's plan is "they won't come, so it doesn't matter." Literally, that's been his answer every time I've asked him "BUT WHAT IF THEY DO SHOW UP?!"
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 6, 2011 11:23:04 GMT -5
For the cousin, if this was a handwritted list she gave you, then it was probably passive aggressive. If she sent you an electronic file, she may have just exported all of the "family" addresses she had. She may not have been presumptuous so much as efficient.
Good point! It was electronic, so hopefully she did just that.
I like the idea of calling the cousin (or his mom) and saying that unfortunately the size of the venue prevents you from expanding your guest list, but you want to find out if announcements are customary in his family and if not, would they like you to send holiday cards to these people this year so that they know you got married.
This is a very good idea. Next time I talk to TheCousin, I'll ask her that.
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