Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Jul 6, 2011 14:18:20 GMT -5
shanen- didn't some people confuse the announcement as an invite? This is simple. Announcements are mailed after the blessed event.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 6, 2011 15:55:16 GMT -5
If you have bridesmaids and groomsmen, it is polite to ask their parents to the church to see their children all dressed up. You do not have to invite said parents to the reception.
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sil
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Post by sil on Jul 6, 2011 17:00:35 GMT -5
Sounds like you have a plan, FB.
If there is any fall-out with your fiance's family (and I really dont think there should be) then you also have an early opportunity to adopt a "you deal with your side of the family and I'll deal with mine" plan with your fiance.
FWIW - If I got an invitation to a wedding from a relative I dont even remember, I dont even think I'd RSVP. I'd think it was a cash-grab and the invitation would just go in the trash.
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share88
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Post by share88 on Jul 7, 2011 2:32:03 GMT -5
I wouldn't invite them.
I have never gotten a wedding "annoucment" and would think it was tacky.
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cameragrrl
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Post by cameragrrl on Jul 7, 2011 3:41:52 GMT -5
When DH and I got married, we had a rule for the guest list. If the future spouse hadn't met the family member/friend yet, they weren't invited. We had been together almost 5 years when we got married, so it was a pretty reasonably assumption that we'd met all of the important people by then. Admittedly, we mainly applied this rule to friends of the family, but it could work for more distant family too.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 7, 2011 7:56:14 GMT -5
Part of my reception was an employee who stood at the door and checked reception cards so no one got in that was not invited. This was a huge hall where there could be 4-5 receptions going on at one time. It was a very nice perk and kept strangers from drinking our booze and crowding the dance floor. My Dad tipped him BIG TIME.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 8, 2011 15:35:55 GMT -5
When we got married we sent an invitation to the President of the United States because we heard they send you a card. My Mom was in a panic because she was afraid Bill and Hillary would waltz into our wedding. She was terrified that our all-republican family would "boo" him. "Really, Mom, they won't show up. I guarantee it."
And yes, they do send you a really cool card on White House stationary.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2011 15:42:35 GMT -5
If you have bridesmaids and groomsmen, it is polite to ask their parents to the church to see their children all dressed up. You do not have to invite said parents to the reception. I respectfully disagree. It's not the prom. My mom has seen me dressed up before. If she doesn't know the bride and groom well, this is just weird. If she does know the bride and groom well, invite her to the party.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 8, 2011 15:44:29 GMT -5
If you have bridesmaids and groomsmen, it is polite to ask their parents to the church to see their children all dressed up
How old are they? Six? This isn't a school pagent this is someone's wedding. If they don't know the parents they are under no obligation to invite them so the parents can see them dressed up pretty.
I'd assume they've had plenty of opportunities to do so and don't need to attend a stranger's wedding.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jul 8, 2011 15:59:14 GMT -5
When we got married we sent an invitation to the President of the United States because we heard they send you a card. My Mom was in a panic because she was afraid Bill and Hillary would waltz into our wedding. She was terrified that our all-republican family would "boo" him. "Really, Mom, they won't show up. I guarantee it." And yes, they do send you a really cool card on White House stationary. Cool! LOL
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 8, 2011 16:07:52 GMT -5
When we got married we sent an invitation to the President of the United States because we heard they send you a card. My Mom was in a panic because she was afraid Bill and Hillary would waltz into our wedding. She was terrified that our all-republican family would "boo" him. "Really, Mom, they won't show up. I guarantee it." And yes, they do send you a really cool card on White House stationary. I'm told they do this for births and Christmas cards too.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 8, 2011 17:02:14 GMT -5
When we got married we sent an invitation to the President of the United States because we heard they send you a card. My Mom was in a panic because she was afraid Bill and Hillary would waltz into our wedding. She was terrified that our all-republican family would "boo" him. "Really, Mom, they won't show up. I guarantee it." And yes, they do send you a really cool card on White House stationary. Too funny!
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 8, 2011 17:43:25 GMT -5
Haha, I'll have to remember that. Barack and Michelle are welcome to crash even though I don't know them either. They can even bring their kiddos.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 8, 2011 17:45:37 GMT -5
You should send them an invite. The card has the official seal on it and everything. I still have it, I think. It is worth the stamp.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 8, 2011 18:19:42 GMT -5
Sorry, it's common courtesy. Usually these parents have forked over a ton of money for some butt ugly dress.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2011 19:04:53 GMT -5
Wrong on two counts, zib. If you need Mom & Dad to buy your wedding attire, you are too young to be standing up in the wedding.
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greenstone
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Post by greenstone on Jul 8, 2011 19:37:22 GMT -5
"If you need Mom & Dad to buy your wedding attire, you are too young to be standing up in the wedding." Not necessarily. My sister got married at 21. Her MOH and one bridesmaid were high school friends who were still in college. I bet their parents helped with the cost. Should my sister have ditched her best friends just because they weren't career women yet? My other sister and I were in college and high school, so my parents paid for everything for us. There was no way in hell at 17 I was spending money to buy a bright red hoop-skirted southern belle dress . Flower girls and ringbearers are often young children and their parents are expected to foot the bill for their outfits.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 8, 2011 21:43:58 GMT -5
Absolutely. A fair amount of kids do still get married right out of school (don't ask me why.) A lot of them have either barely started jobs or don't have one, yet. Parents pay for the outft and they like to see them in them. Sometimes they alread know the kid getting married just not well enough to be added to the reception list. I have attended weddings and not gone to the reception.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2011 7:35:45 GMT -5
Just because something has happened in the past doesn't make it polite or customary. Lots of people include registry cards in their wedding invitations now, but that is still tacky.
Zib, your story just proves that you are too polite and generous to feel slighted by half an invitation. It reflects well on you, but it isn't a move I would recommend for others throwing a wedding.
greenstone, in the real world I would concede this point to you, but on a money board, I am going to stick to my guns. Your sister may be an exception to my mental rule that 21 is too young to get married, but for our generation that seems to be the case. I was a broke college student at 21 - but I did have a job (not a career, but a job). I have been in a half dozen weddings, including a few when I was that young, but I still managed to buy my own attire.
I'll allow an exception for young relatives, since they are participating on the basis of their familial relationship but their same-age peer group would still be considered too young to marry (at least by me from up here on my unmarried high horse). But in that case - their parents probably get to attend the reception.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 9, 2011 8:44:39 GMT -5
I wouldn't have gone to the reception even if I had been invited. I bought them a gift via my kids but I liked seeing the bridal party and I like weddings anyway.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2011 11:22:32 GMT -5
Lots of people include registry cards in their wedding invitations now, but that is still tacky. crafty, not to hijack the thread, but I just have to throw this in... my DGD, young and naive, got "help" with her invitations from a 40-year-old neighbor whom she admired for no apparent reason, and the invitations didn't include registry cards, they actually had the registries printed on the invitations because the neighbor instructed her that it was "always done." Huh? Tacky. Tackier. Tackiest.
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greenstone
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Post by greenstone on Jul 9, 2011 17:26:28 GMT -5
So are there any etiquette experts out there that can explain why it is not tacky to register for gifts but it is tacky to include that information in the invite? I know some say you should call the MOB or MOH for the registry info but, come on, seriously why should these women be fielding calls from anywhere to 25-100 people (assuming couples and families are covered by one call), especially when these women have enough to do for wedding prep that they don't need more on their plates. Nearly every couple is registered and nearly everyone buys off the registry, so I think this is a case of old-fashioned etiquette not keeping in step with modern times. I went to a baby shower today and had been sent a professionally printed invitation with registry information right on the invite. Would that be considered uncouth? I thought is was practical and helpful especially since I didn't know any of the hostesses. I thought it was enough that I had to call to RSVP, I would have preferred email.
Second etiquette question/observation. Many PPs are saying post-ceremony wedding announcements are bad. Why? I associate formal wedding announcements (vs invite) with proper etiquette from mid-20th century and before. Kind of the reverse of the the registry, an old tradition that has become tacky. Long ago, people did not routinely travel 50-100+ miles to attend a wedding unless it was for immediate family or closest of friends. A printed announcement to relatives, especially distant relatives who were seen infrequently, was classier and more formal than a hand-written note in a letter or Xmas card. Back then rural or middle class wedding receptions were not large enough to accommodate Uncle Bob's cousin's brother's nephew, but wedding announcement were means of keeping the family in the loop and acknowledging family connections. They were once what invitations (to an event they probably won't attend) are to today. I understand when people say they may been seen as gift grabs, but why worry about that if they weren't sent with that intent ? A reoccurring theme on YM is that gifts are always voluntary, not required. I would only send a gift for an announcement if I genuinely felt like it otherwise I would think "it was nice of them to send an announcement, I wish them the best".
Not to be snarky, but I really think couples today overthink the importance of their nuptials in other people's lives. Has anyone here truly been offended because they weren't invited to their second cousins wedding?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 11, 2011 7:56:49 GMT -5
Not to be snarky, but I really think couples today overthink the importance of their nuptials in other people's lives. Has anyone here truly been offended because they weren't invited to their second cousins wedding?
I don't think it's snarky, I think it's exactly on point. That was essentially the root of my WTF reaction to this whole extra guest thing. Why would they even WANT to come, much less be offended if we didn't invite them?
DF and I have been talking and plan to pare down the invitation list tomorrow night.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 11, 2011 8:15:33 GMT -5
Reasonably free meal with booze. A chance to dance and see people you haven't seen for awhile. Kind of like a funeral but no dancing and you have to be somber!!!! A rare dress up occasion.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2011 8:27:18 GMT -5
I've never been offended not receiving an invitation but I have been pleased to recieve an invite. These events are often a kind of family reunion. I see people I don't see many places other than weddings and funerals. And the weddings are more fun. I might not be emotionally close to these people, but I am connected to them and it is nice to touch base once in a while.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2011 8:59:29 GMT -5
So are there any etiquette experts out there that can explain why it is not tacky to register for gifts but it is tacky to include that information in the invite?
Once upon a time, I think it was considered tacky to register for gifts, but I think practicality won the day on this one. The reason it is tacky to include this information is that it presupposes that your guests are going to buy you a gift - which is the norm, but not a requirement.
I went to a baby shower today and had been sent a professionally printed invitation with registry information right on the invite. Would that be considered uncouth?
Yup. As are theme showers that assign gift ideas to guests. (Because again "your gift should represent 6:00 assumes I will be providing a gift) They can be fun, they can be practical, but they are also tacky.
Second etiquette question/observation. Many PPs are saying post-ceremony wedding announcements are bad. Why?
You are right - wedding announcements are actually polite and appropriate. I commented earlier that they may be perceived as a gift grab - this is not because sending announcements is in poor taste, but because we have all received so many event invitations that presuppose that we will be sending a gift, now we are somewhat conditioned to think that was the senders intent. Alas, the wedding announcements are innocent, but they have gotten a bad rap.
That said, if you have a wedding with 150+ people, you have probably announced it to as many people as care to know. If you have a wedding with 15 people, then announcements may be in order.
Not to be snarky, but I really think couples today overthink the importance of their nuptials in other people's lives. Has anyone here truly been offended because they weren't invited to their second cousins wedding?
Amen to that.
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Post by stl76 on Jul 11, 2011 9:07:40 GMT -5
"So are there any etiquette experts out there that can explain why it is not tacky to register for gifts but it is tacky to include that information in the invite? "
I don't think it is tacky at all. I think the registries are a great idea and so is including the information. I would much rather have the information I need than have to call comebody to get the information. I think people who think including this information is tacky are also the ones who buy what THEY like rather than what could help out a couple starting a new life or a couple with a new baby. Who needs 25 different/unmatching picture frames or tens of blankets??
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ontrack
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Post by ontrack on Jul 11, 2011 9:14:10 GMT -5
We put the registry info on our wedding website, with the link to the site printed on the save-the-date. Other stuff on website included hotel and transportation info.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2011 9:19:28 GMT -5
For the phone shy, if you google "wedding registry finder" there are tools where you can check where a couple is registered in one stop. They seem to check all of the "usual suspect" stores for you.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 11, 2011 9:30:07 GMT -5
We put the registry info on our wedding website, with the link to the site printed on the save-the-date. Other stuff on website included hotel and transportation info.
Same here. I think that's a subtle, polite way of letting people know where the info is if they want it.
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