The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[NastyWoman]

Oct 15, 2024 14:16:08 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Ok.  Stick a fork in me.  I am so done.  I just want to go to work, mow my lawn, watch tv, maybe have a bowl of ice cream every now and then...I don't want to stress about all this kid stuff anymore.

Next Summer Carrot's HS band was invited to play the Independence Day parade, go to a concert on the White House lawn, all kinds of cool stuff.  He's super excited, once in a lifetime opportunity, yadda yadda.  Problem is, he'd already committed (and paid) to go on another major trip with the scouts in July as well. I figured, well, the band trips are normally about 8 days so they should be back by the 7th or 8th of July.  Leaving on the next trip the morning of July 14th, which would be a lot for July, but fine.  We just found out that the Washington trip is going to be extended to include Boston and they won't be back until the 10th or 11th!  Still in theory doable, but the scoutmaster is really uncomfortable with this, mainly because he's worried Carrot is going to come back sick from the first trip (totally understandable because the kid catches everything and they're going to be around a gazillion people for two weeks.

Personally, I think he should skip DC, but the thought of this is crushing for him.  He said he'd rather skip the 15 day hiking trip.  Ok...but...that's already paid for and it's not refundable.

Now I'm wondering how feasible it would be for me to bring him back early, but the logistics of that seem overwhelming to me as I loathe driving in big cities, and even without that, it's still 1000 miles of "running out to get him".  That's at least 32 hours of driving round trip (and that's if I wear a diaper and pack a cooler )

Fly in, rent a car for a day, grab the kid, and fly back 

[minnesotapaintlady]

Oct 16, 2024 17:02:08 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Oct 15, 2024 14:16:08 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Ok.  Stick a fork in me.  I am so done.  I just want to go to work, mow my lawn, watch tv, maybe have a bowl of ice cream every now and then...I don't want to stress about all this kid stuff anymore.

Next Summer Carrot's HS band was invited to play the Independence Day parade, go to a concert on the White House lawn, all kinds of cool stuff.  He's super excited, once in a lifetime opportunity, yadda yadda.  Problem is, he'd already committed (and paid) to go on another major trip with the scouts in July as well. I figured, well, the band trips are normally about 8 days so they should be back by the 7th or 8th of July.  Leaving on the next trip the morning of July 14th, which would be a lot for July, but fine.  We just found out that the Washington trip is going to be extended to include Boston and they won't be back until the 10th or 11th!  Still in theory doable, but the scoutmaster is really uncomfortable with this, mainly because he's worried Carrot is going to come back sick from the first trip (totally understandable because the kid catches everything and they're going to be around a gazillion people for two weeks.

Personally, I think he should skip DC, but the thought of this is crushing for him.  He said he'd rather skip the 15 day hiking trip.  Ok...but...that's already paid for and it's not refundable.

Now I'm wondering how feasible it would be for me to bring him back early, but the logistics of that seem overwhelming to me as I loathe driving in big cities, and even without that, it's still 1000 miles of "running out to get him".  That's at least 32 hours of driving round trip (and that's if I wear a diaper and pack a cooler )

Fly in, rent a car for a day, grab the kid, and fly back 

For someone that flies a lot and is used to getting around in big cities, this is a great idea.  I get hives just thinking about it. 

Now, I could fly there fine.  It's the getting out of the airport, navigating DC during the 4th of July, finding my kid and getting back to the airport that is a big hell no for me. I've decided to backburner the entire thing for now. There's nothing I can do about it but worry and he can't even sign up for the DC trip until maybe March. 

[gs11rmb]

Oct 15, 2024 14:16:08 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Ok.  Stick a fork in me.  I am so done.  I just want to go to work, mow my lawn, watch tv, maybe have a bowl of ice cream every now and then...I don't want to stress about all this kid stuff anymore.

Next Summer Carrot's HS band was invited to play the Independence Day parade, go to a concert on the White House lawn, all kinds of cool stuff.  He's super excited, once in a lifetime opportunity, yadda yadda.  Problem is, he'd already committed (and paid) to go on another major trip with the scouts in July as well. I figured, well, the band trips are normally about 8 days so they should be back by the 7th or 8th of July.  Leaving on the next trip the morning of July 14th, which would be a lot for July, but fine.  We just found out that the Washington trip is going to be extended to include Boston and they won't be back until the 10th or 11th!  Still in theory doable, but the scoutmaster is really uncomfortable with this, mainly because he's worried Carrot is going to come back sick from the first trip (totally understandable because the kid catches everything and they're going to be around a gazillion people for two weeks.

Personally, I think he should skip DC, but the thought of this is crushing for him.  He said he'd rather skip the 15 day hiking trip.  Ok...but...that's already paid for and it's not refundable.

Now I'm wondering how feasible it would be for me to bring him back early, but the logistics of that seem overwhelming to me as I loathe driving in big cities, and even without that, it's still 1000 miles of "running out to get him".  That's at least 32 hours of driving round trip (and that's if I wear a diaper and pack a cooler )

Could you book him a one way flight from DC back to the closest or cheapest city in MN?  

[lurkyloo]

Just FYI, if you can find a flight to/from Reagan National it is on the subway lines.  No rental car required  Although if you want him to just fly by himself it’s probably still easier to uber/taxi. Not sure how well flying by himself would work since I don’t think he has ID (unaccompanied minor)?

I think Dulles might have recently gotten on the silver line as well but haven’t personally tried it. Dulles is further out and a bigger airport/more options.  I usually prefer to fly out of BWI but that’s almost certainly a car required.

[wvugurl26]

Dulles is on silver now but I think it's a fairly long trek like maybe a hour on Metro? Then you might have to change lines to get the kid in DC? BWI you could get a car and drive to one of the metro stations with parking and go to DC that way to retrieve the kid.

[bean29]

Boston and Minneapolis are Hubs for Delta.  Delta also flies to Regan National in DC but that may not be a direct flight.  They would still accompany him through the airport though.  They do Unaccompanied Minor where the flight attendant of another employee will be assigned to keep an eye on him and walk him through the terminal.  Idk exactly how it works, but DD has talked about it a few times.  You would just need to get him from Hotel to the airport then.  

[raeoflyte]

Ds has been off school for 1 day and is stomping around about how bored he is and how monotonous his life is. He's wary of my recommendations and I never once brought up chores.

I'm going to help him look for jobs tonight. That suggestion he didn't completely shut down.

But he won't try the dojo again, refuses the gym every time I offer, says boxing/yoga/any class I suggest is lame. I asked about going back to blacksmithing and he liked that but I think the kid is even more cautious than I am. He is already practicing 3 instruments and soon a new 4th instrument. I have really tried to find an in person d&d group for him but the only one around does 1 shots which he doesn't love. So hopefully we have some luck finding him a job. I don't have anything else to suggest.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Yeah, there is like zero chance the school would let him just get in an uber and leave the group.  He'd have to be handed off to someone pre-authorized.  They won't even let me take him from nearby meets early without pre-authorization and having to sign an an online form that marks the exact second they are no longer responsible for him.

[tcu2003]

Oy, that sounds like a lot on band and scouts all in July, but I hear you because my kid would definitely want to do both. And both sound like cool opportunities!

If you do decide to bring him back early, it’s definitely easier (and cheaper) to use the metro lines and/or Uber/lyft than rent a car. Reagan airport (DCA) is pretty easy to navigate and as others mentioned, on the metro line.

[azucena]

Public school has been a game changer for DD12. Not perfect of course but oh so much better.

School counselor called to check in. Now that they know dd better, they want to have her fully psychologically evaluated - suspecting sensory issues and not anxiety. She continues to struggle in the chaos of gym due to large space, chaos and noise. She prefers small spaces. I added that she slept in smal box fort all summer. Loves all things soft and fluffy - continues to buy and pile bed full of softest blankets and stuffed animals. Hates itchy clothes. Picky about Leggings. Hates concerts. Hates textured and many flavored foods. Is picky about smells of deodorant and products.

ASD, sleep issues and many other things would be included. I said yep let's take that step so will be getting email referrals. Pretty sure the one place she mentioned is constantly wait listed for months.

New psychiatrist appt next week to bring her back in network for much much better ins coverage. Had to start out of network to avoid waitlist and get meds started. Now I'm wondering if Lexapro is right if this isn't anxiety after all. Will ask how much of a workup they can do for sensory and who they might refer to. She also wanted to switch to female provider which I understand.

Also working to switch therapist again. She's just not connecting or comfortable even though I liked this lady and her approach. May have lucked into appt in same office, different location next week with another (younger) woman with lots of experience. Waiting for confirmation.

I don't mind ASD evaluation bc she gets so hung up on rules, being perfect, etc so might fall on low side of spectrum.

Any diagnosis could lead to 504 accommodations. They are going to let her continue to duck pe when overwhelmed. New therapist only has school hours so I was planning to do every other week during pe if I can get it. They agreed lol.

Anyone have experience with sensory stuff?

[raeoflyte]

Oct 24, 2024 16:56:49 GMT -5 azucena said:

Public school has been a game changer for DD12. Not perfect of course but oh so much better.

School counselor called to check in. Now that they know dd better, they want to have her fully psychologically evaluated - suspecting sensory issues and not anxiety. She continues to struggle in the chaos of gym due to large space, chaos and noise. She prefers small spaces. I added that she slept in smal box fort all summer. Loves all things soft and fluffy - continues to buy and pile bed full of softest blankets and stuffed animals. Hates itchy clothes. Picky about Leggings. Hates concerts. Hates textured and many flavored foods. Is picky about smells of deodorant and products.

ASD, sleep issues and many other things would be included. I said yep let's take that step so will be getting email referrals. Pretty sure the one place she mentioned is constantly wait listed for months.

New psychiatrist appt next week to bring her back in network for much much better ins coverage. Had to start out of network to avoid waitlist and get meds started. Now I'm wondering if Lexapro is right if this isn't anxiety after all. Will ask how much of a workup they can do for sensory and who they might refer to. She also wanted to switch to female provider which I understand.

Also working to switch therapist again. She's just not connecting or comfortable even though I liked this lady and her approach. May have lucked into appt in same office, different location next week with another (younger) woman with lots of experience. Waiting for confirmation.

I don't mind ASD evaluation bc she gets so hung up on rules, being perfect, etc so might fall on low side of spectrum.

Any diagnosis could lead to 504 accommodations. They are going to let her continue to duck pe when overwhelmed. New therapist only has school hours so I was planning to do every other week during pe if I can get it. They agreed lol.

Anyone have experience with sensory stuff?

Dc has some. Fabric, crowds probablythe main ones. It's funny you mention sleep because I joke that dc didn't sleep through the night until they were 7 or 8 but they still wake up pretty much every night and struggle to fall back asleep if they're in they're room alone.

I'll be curious how the eval goes. Dc did one for add last year and it was so skewed toward external impacts especially in the form of behavioral struggles that dc practically had a negative score despite having symptoms that seem pretty textbook add. I know they're getting better at identifying neuro-divergent symptoms but what I saw didn't seem to reflect that.

[azucena]

Adding crowds to my list bc she hates them and I've always put that on anxiety and worry about getting lost.

In the last month she's really able to articulate her needs better. Need to tell her that this weekend and fill her in on next steps at high level so she knows us grownups are continuing to work to help her.

She slept so poorly as a baby, toddler, preschooler, etc that hyperemesis aside, I prob wouldn't have had a third kid.

I've spent some time reading about adhd and neurodivergence and reflecting on myself and am begging to wonder if some of my quirks and hangups deserve a diagnosis. Anyone have a quiz for middle aged women? I've googled a couple and results lean that way but they want email address to dive deeper.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I have sensory issues with clothes.  I can't wear itchy fabrics like wool.  I HATE slippery fabrics that slide all over the place and don't fit right.  Most of my clothes are natural fibers though a lot of my vintage stuff is polyester which doesn't bother me for whatever reason.

There are days when I start crying because no matter what I try on I hate how it feels on my skin.  That's usually when I am super stressed out or tired.  Fortunately or unfortunately it's happened enough times I know exactly which pairs of pants, socks, underwear and T shirts I can turn to.

Tags on clothes are the devil and I don't understand why the hell in 2024 shit still has to have tags when we have the technology to print ON the actual shirt.  All tags immediately get cut out.  People who are brand conscious would have a stroke over how maniacal I am about removing tags.  Don't even get me started on tags in underwear and bras. 

Which I barely wear bras anymore either because I cannot stand how they feel.  People try to convince me that it is just I haven't found the right bra yet.  I developed boobs in 6th grade!  You'd think if it was just a matter of not finding the right bra I would have succeeded by now.   I wear pull over bras made of cotton.  I don't have anything that needs major support, they cover the bits I don't want people to see and they give me a nice shape.   Underwires and push up bras are the WORST.

I get very overwhelmed nowadays with a lot of loud sounds.  I think some of that is my hearing is starting to go after working in labs for my entire career.  My brain can't separate it all out and then DH always somehow decides that is the optimal time to try to talk to me. . .from another freaking room!  I've gotten DH and the kids trained to know the signs I am getting overwhelmed by noise and to turn things down.  Still haven't quite gotten DH to remember I need to see his lips moving to understand him.

I have severe misophonia to where sometimes I have to leave the room if people are eating.  Chips are the worst.

Wow typing all that out makes me sound like a hot mess.

I've learned to deal with it through trial and error.   DH and the kids know if I go hide in the bedroom that means I am overwhelmed and need space.  When it comes to work I also prefer working somewhere that I can go hide like a cafeteria or animal facility.   I have to try on pretty much everything I buy before I bring it home so I don't end up trying to rip my skin off.  Sometimes I forget this step and then I feel bad when I can't stand wearing it. 

[raeoflyte]

I haven't done more than read articles but agree that a lot of my coping skills could be looked at differently these days. The things I notice the most are synthetic fabrics and I need background distractions to keep me on task. But it's easier to set up life as an adult to accommodate quirks and all of my quirks are easy enough to work around. I was considered a picky eater as a kid but now I just don't eat food I don't like and it doesn't matter if I eat the same thing over and over. I work from home, I pick the quietest classes/times at the gym etc. I set a terrible example for screen time limits but I get my shit done.

[wvugurl26]

I have always blamed clothing on my allergies. I'm allergic to wool. I don't think I owned more than 1 pair of jeans in junior high.

I have purged tons of my professional wear. I only need to go in the office one day a week now so I dumped all the stuff that I was trying to tolerate because I needed to be dressed a certain way daily and I didn't have an unlimited clothing budget. I can't tolerate high rise pants. My closet is full of duplicates that work for me.

My brother was tested as a kid for ADD and was borderline. My stepmom was adamantly against medicine and there wasn't much more going on in the mid to late 90s than that. I've told DH a thousand times that my brain just doesn't work like his.

I work well with my back against the wall and hair on fire. Trying to find the motivation to focus before that point is a challenge at times.

[raeoflyte]

Please don't quote - I'll delete since I'm sharing info about another person.

I have a very good work friend who is pregnant but they've found heart abnormalities and have to consider termination. How often and what ways would you recommend reaching out? I mailed her a thinking of you card saying I'm here to talk if she wants or not. I was thinking of sending some of the fancy dog treats because she loves her dogs.

She was so scared that she was going to do something that would hurt the baby that I worry that she is blaming herself. She has type 1 like ds.

I want her to know I'm here for her but not push. We used to call each other practically every day. My new job threw a wrench in that and the timing couldn't have been worse.

[aricia]

My DD has sensory issues. She was evaluated and did receive therapy for SPD when she was 2 years old. She is likely autistic but not formally diagnosed.
Her symptoms included being over sensitive to food, clothes, hair washing, noise, touch, probably more. She also showed some sensory SEEKING. Hair pulling and pulling at her fingers were the two big ones I remember. She would throw extreme tantrums.

Lots of coping skills, avoiding situations that bothered her. I can see gym class being an issue. My DD lucked out and had an amazing k-6 gym teacher or she probably would have hated gym. By middle school, she was coping better. Letting her choose her clothes. Leggings or skin tight jeggings were her preference. Avoiding crowds and noise. We put a regulator on her detachable shower head so we could wash her hair with a trickle of water. Over time, I could increase the pressure. Most of her therapy was for food and involved desensitization. We tried sensory brushing but she hated it, so that one was abandoned.

She tolerates much more now, as a high schooler. She still hates a lot of noise in general and can not concentrate with any noise. She absolutely hates being accidentally bumped against in a crowd. She actually dislikes even being unexpectedly touched by me in the house. But she’ll want a hug, she just wants to know it’s coming. I think she sacrifices her clothes comfort for fashion, she comes home and changes into comfy clothes. She found the perfect sport for her, swimming. She gets to submerge herself in water and block out the world. Plus she started eating better when she was burning up a million calories swimming. Ever since she was little she has loved roller coasters, maybe part of her sensory seeking side!

[azucena]

Omg the battles we have had over hair washing! Adding that to the list.

She loves, love, loves swimming and baths. Always has which is why the hair washing bate

Appreciate everyone sharing. I'm not really bothered or worried about diagnosis, just hopeful that we are finally on a track that feels right.

[azucena]

I've been gathering her med records to switch therapists (yet again, she says current one is too old and keeps bringing up worries she doesn't even have which then makes them worries - I tried to address that but doesn't to help so time to move on bc she needs to feel comfortable sharing).

New psychiatrist bc I finally got in network appt so can stop paying out of network costs. Didn't realize how ofte she'd need to go. In his notes he mentions relational ocd a few times but he never once said that out loud. Researching that feels like another huge puzzle piece fitting into place. So dumb that he wouldn't have shared that with me after 4 monthly sessions and times without her in the room. Will be taking that to new doc.

Wondering if she needs Lexapro after all. Haven't really felt like it's helped after 6 months and one dose increase.

[chen35]

Rae, I would recommend texting with the caveat of “please don’t feel like you have to respond, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you” or something to that effect. That way she doesn’t feel pressured to talk if she’s not ready to in that moment.

[raeoflyte]

Oct 26, 2024 17:27:39 GMT -5 chen35 said:

Rae, I would recommend texting with the caveat of “please don’t feel like you have to respond, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you” or something to that effect. That way she doesn’t feel pressured to talk if she’s not ready to in that moment.

That's a good idea. Thank you.

[tcu2003]

Oct 26, 2024 17:27:39 GMT -5 chen35 said:

Rae, I would recommend texting with the caveat of “please don’t feel like you have to respond, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you” or something to that effect. That way she doesn’t feel pressured to talk if she’s not ready to in that moment.

Ditto this.

If she’s close geographically and you know food preferences, I would also drop a meal off. Or cookies. Or flowers.