The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[raeoflyte]

I visited with ds again today about Germany. He wants to get a real job at 16 and pay us back for his portion. Which works for me. That gives him almost all summer next year to work. I just needed to know he had some kind of plan and still wanted to go if he was expected to contribute.

I am going to sign up to go as well. Debating chaperone or just extra adult. Should probably do chaperone but would rather be an extra adult. If the latter and If we feel like ds can handle it on his own closer to the trip we can cancel my portion with trip insurance.

Also signing up for drivers Ed. I'm going to miss having money.

[minnesotapaintlady]

omg.  After an 8 year hiatus between kids I don't know if I can do high school again.  I'm feeling so burnt out and done with the whole parenting thing and the high school years were by far the roughest for me.  Infant and toddler...that's my jam. Can I swap with someone that feels the opposite to get us both though the next four years? 

[raeoflyte]

Ds is going to homecoming. Just with friends I think. I need to find out more about plans. I told dh this is when I'm shocked that this is my kid. I told him I needed a little time to get him a suit and he sent me a link to a "watermelon" skinny suit. It's pink and adorable. The kid that is willing to stick out - I know I birthed him but that is 100% donor.

[azucena]

Link pls

I love seeing what the 'quirky' kids wear to hoco.

ETA DD16 bought a lovely navy dress with her friends last weekend for $90. She also found a matching tie for her boyfriend of 1.5 months. So far he seems to be a good egg. This week he was a good sport about tagging along to college fair and even managed to take notes and remove her from convo's after schools said no Spanish major. He's a senior and seems to have his choice narrowed down to MO State or Mizzou likely funding dependent.

There was a bit of a kerfluffle btwn the girls as teen had heard some not great rumors about him. I keep trying to remain Switzerland. Teen eventually told DD who then asked boy and he seems to have cleared it up. He's pretty shy and I think she's his first gf.

Bonus teen hates dresses and wants to go suit shopping this weekend. In the midst of all this chaos, she's started seeing someone who seems to be great for her. I talked to her on the phone yesterday to make sure she was okay after a partial episode on their date the night before. Seems like she did all the right things and may have even helped it subside to just partial. Then her mom also texted checking on us which was super sweet.

Today I'll be chaperoning teen to soccer game to watch a camp friend play against our hs. I'm getting good at 'hiding in the bushes' to try not to disrupt her social life while keeping her safe. And my jokes are getting worse about how no one can tell I'm with her since we are 'mismatched'. After all laughter is the best medicine and if I weren't laughing, I might be crying at this point.

[raeoflyte]

This is what ds wants. His friend has cold feet and might not go though. Hopefully he'll find someone else to go with.

www.menswearhouse.com/p/egara-skinny-fit-notch-lapel-suit-separates-jacket-tmw-3ydh?clearance=true&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cse&utm_campaign=TMW_Retail_Shopping_PLA_PMAX_Clearance_USD_English_Google&adtype=pla&product_channel=local&product_click_id=TMW3YDH44245&store_code_id=MW1313&ogmap=SEM%7CPLA%7CGOOG%7C%7Cm%7C%7C%7CTMW_Retail_Shopping_PLA_PMAX_Clearance_USD_English_Google%7C%7C%7C18459077498%7C&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADipZBPBioyzbLX-iH9AdVEHnwS1U#color=watermelon%26size=44%26length=extra-long%26

[finnime]

You are amazing, azucena. You rock. Your girls and BT are lucky with you. 

[chen35]

Sept 12, 2024 11:46:40 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

This is what ds wants. His friend has cold feet and might not go though. Hopefully he'll find someone else to go with.

www.menswearhouse.com/p/egara-skinny-fit-notch-lapel-suit-separates-jacket-tmw-3ydh?clearance=true&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cse&utm_campaign=TMW_Retail_Shopping_PLA_PMAX_Clearance_USD_English_Google&adtype=pla&product_channel=local&product_click_id=TMW3YDH44245&store_code_id=MW1313&ogmap=SEM%7CPLA%7CGOOG%7C%7Cm%7C%7C%7CTMW_Retail_Shopping_PLA_PMAX_Clearance_USD_English_Google%7C%7C%7C18459077498%7C&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADipZBPBioyzbLX-iH9AdVEHnwS1U#color=watermelon%26size=44%26length=extra-long%26

I love it!

[azucena]

It brightened my day - thanks for sharing.

[raeoflyte]

Ds found another friend to go with which I'm very happy about. It's an elementary school friend but theyd lost touch the last year or so. They're in hs together though, have a class together and are friendly so I was pushing him to talk to him as aggressively as I dared and it paid off. Ds even texted I was right. I want to frame it.

The suit looks so good. They had all pieces in the store so we didn't have to order anything and they had time to do the hem. Just waiting to see if the shoes will make it in time.

[raeoflyte]

Is it weird to get your kid a boutonierre for your kid for homecoming if they're not going with a date? I think it's weird but dh is getting recs for floral shops to make the order. Admittedly I'm way out of my element. I'd rather just ask ds if he wants one and let him pick it out if he does.

[chen35]

Sept 19, 2024 14:57:51 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Is it weird to get your kid a boutonierre for your kid for homecoming if they're not going with a date? I think it's weird but dh is getting recs for floral shops to make the order. Admittedly I'm way out of my element. I'd rather just ask ds if he wants one and let him pick it out if he does.

I don’t think it’s weird but also like the idea of just asking DS what he would like.

[NastyWoman]

Sept 20, 2024 22:14:37 GMT -5 chen35 said:

Sept 19, 2024 14:57:51 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Is it weird to get your kid a boutonierre for your kid for homecoming if they're not going with a date? I think it's weird but dh is getting recs for floral shops to make the order. Admittedly I'm way out of my element. I'd rather just ask ds if he wants one and let him pick it out if he does.

I don’t think it’s weird but also like the idea of just asking DS what he would like.

 100%

[steph08]

Just hopping on here to complain 

The girls have been sick with fevers and coughs since Saturday - went to the doctor yesterday and they both passed strep tests and COVID tests, so it's looking like a bad viral illness. 

But, the doc said they're seeing a bunch of pneumonia, so now I need to make sure it doesn't develop into that. 

They've been out of school for three days, and as they're both napping now (they're 8 and 10), I don't know if they'll make it in tomorrow either. Friday is supposed to be a field trip for DD10, and I'd hate for her to miss it. 


And DH and I have our 15th wedding anniversary tomorrow, and I'm just so over him. He does nothing to help with house crap (though he mowed the lawn today), and even if I ask (like he says he needs me to do because "he just doesn't see it (aka the dirty dishes, dog hair on the floor, etc."), it doesn't get done in a timely manner or at all. I do all cooking, dishes, cleaning, laundry, etc. In the past five days, he's never given the girls their medicine in the daytime or nighttime, while I'm up from 3-5am comforting kids and singing them back to sleep and whatnot. And his attitude is shit. I wonder what it would be like to have a partner and not just another human to take care of. 

Sorry, I just needed to whine. 

[raeoflyte]

Hugs steph.

I refuse to give lists to adults. Not that it's gotten me much more of a partnership but if I already do everything I don't need to take on even more mental load trying to make someone feel better about themselves.

I hope the girls feel better soon.

[minnesotapaintlady]

DS and I are melting down.  We've been at each others throats the past week or so and last night we both just broke down crying.  Him moving away is going to be hard on everyone (Carrot has been a mess since the day he found out) and some things are starting to dawn on DS, like last night he realized after another long weekend of hoarder purging at his grandparent's that he will possibly never be in that house again, which I know is a mind f$#% for him as he spent so much time there growing up.

My offer to trade older kids for infants/toddlers still stands! 

[TheOtherMe]

   My moving to Colorado was very difficult for both me and my parents.  By Christmas break of that school year, I knew I was home.  

You raise kids to fly and fly they will.  

It's an adjustment for all but it's part of becoming an adult.  

[minnesotapaintlady]

I just wish I was more confident that he's ready to be somewhere with no support system whatsoever.  Like last night I asked him if he had the money to pay his rent Friday.  "Hmm...let me check, uh...no...I don't".  So....what are you going to do about that?  "I don't know. I'm tired now, I'll think of something in the morning".  <heads down to play video games for several more hours>  

Gives me ulcers.

[TheOtherMe]

My parents had made it clear I was an adult and I would do adult things without calling them all the time.  If I screwed up, I would face the consequences.  

He will do the same.  

Yes, I called to discuss some financial decisions, but I mostly made my own.  Did I make mistakes?  Definitely, but I learned and didn't make it twice.  

The only support system I had at that point was expensive long distance phone calls, co-workers and friends I eventually made.  

I never had family in Colorado to support me.  

When I had surgery in 1999, I was going to be released from the hospital after what turned in to a 28 day stay.  I needed someone to stay with me to be released.  I paid to fly my dad out, my friend picked him up at the airport and she had been to my house and fixed casseroles for him to heat to eat.

On the first night I was home, he asked what I was fixing to eat?  I said nothing and reminded him off the casseroles.  She was a far better cook than me.  

[minnesotapaintlady]

He's an adult...yet he's not.  LOL

And seriously, some of this stuff is confusing to me, I have a hard time just telling him to figure it out when he's had zero experience with any of it.  Like health insurance. Should he stay on ours or get the workplace insurance?  He just started seeing a doctor in our town for his ADHD and would like to stay with her if possible. He's contacting her today to find out if she can even practice in another state (he usually just does tele-health for his appointments now that they've done all the labs).  I'm leaning towards telling him to opt out of the insurance as it looks like all they offer are HMOs and ours is a PPO that can be used nationwide.

And advising him what to do about getting a new license and title transfer and all that is confusing too.  Partly because the laws are so ambiguous. It says you have to transfer your title within 30 days of establishing residency in the state, but don't have to get your license changed until 90 days...and can't transfer a title if you have an out of state license.   So, does that really mean he has 90 days to do everything? (added complication, he won't get his MN title for a couple months so won't have one to transfer).  Plus, what is "establishing residency".  Just renting an apartment isn't as people get apartments out of state all the time for school or even working and maintain their residency in another state. 

[Pink Cashmere]

Oct 14, 2024 16:04:04 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

He's an adult...yet he's not.  LOL

And seriously, some of this stuff is confusing to me, I have a hard time just telling him to figure it out when he's had zero experience with any of it.  Like health insurance. Should he stay on ours or get the workplace insurance?  He just started seeing a doctor in our town for his ADHD and would like to stay with her if possible. He's contacting her today to find out if she can even practice in another state (he usually just does tele-health for his appointments now that they've done all the labs).  I'm leaning towards telling him to opt out of the insurance as it looks like all they offer are HMOs and ours is a PPO that can be used nationwide.

And advising him what to do about getting a new license and title transfer and all that is confusing too.  Partly because the laws are so ambiguous. It says you have to transfer your title within 30 days of establishing residency in the state, but don't have to get your license changed until 90 days...and can't transfer a title if you have an out of state license.   So, does that really mean he has 90 days to do everything? (added complication, he won't get his MN title for a couple months so won't have one to transfer).  Plus, what is "establishing residency".  Just renting an apartment isn't as people get apartments out of state all the time for school or even working and maintain their residency in another state. 

As far as I understand from experience, “establishing residency” usually requires a mortgage or lease agreement and showing *important* mail being delivered to that address. Probably the same things required (here) to get utilities turned on. Here, I think for most things you can use something like paycheck stubs or bank statements mailed to that address.

I don’t have answers to the other questions, and even the thing I tried to answer isn’t all that informative, sorry. 

[saveinla]

I think title can be transferred even without a license - I remember my DH did this the week we were there.
My son did not have a license - he just put my son's name on the title but our home address in CA.
But I am talking about a different state. 

Getting a license is establishing residency I think - as you have to show a lot of info - pay stubs, home address, electric bill etc. 

If possible, try calling or chatting with someone in the DMV.

[TheOtherMe]

Before the Affordable Care Act, I had my own insurance at the age of 17 when I started working for the federal government.  I do not know how it works now.

In Iowa, you can register to vote with an out of state photo ID if you have other proof of living in the state that has your address within 45 days of the registration.  Examples of what is used in Iowa and I have registered people on Election Day, are a signed lease, mortgage, cell phone bill, other utility bill, pay stubs, etc.  That proves where you live.

Illinois law is probably different.  

[Peace77]

Young adults can stay on a parent’s health insurance until age 26.  Pick whichever option is cheaper and/or offers better insurance.   
If his appointments are by telehealth and if he stays on your insurance, there no change to worry about or is there?

There’s no rush to register the car in a new state just make sure to get it done before the tab expires.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Oct 14, 2024 20:01:14 GMT -5 Peace77 said:

Young adults can stay on a parent’s health insurance until age 26.  Pick whichever option is cheaper and/or offers better insurance.   
If his appointments are by telehealth and if he stays on your insurance, there no change to worry about or is there?

There’s no rush to register the car in a new state just make sure to get it done before the tab expires.

My main concern with this is insurance if he gets in an accident and it comes to light that the car has been kept in a different state.  Of course, the sucky part is it cost $316 to change the registration, so waiting would be preferable.

Insurance I'm not going to dig into until next week. I can do that after he's gone.  Premium-wise staying on ours would be the cheapest (free to him). They have so many options with the state...like 8 of them...so it will take me a bit to compare coverage.

ETA: And just when I think I know the best option (hold off on declaring residency). I get to the income tax portion of it.  Apparently MN will tax him on any income made anywhere and IL will also charge him on any income made in IL as a non-resident. The only way to get out of being double taxed at the state level is to change residency.

[minnesotapaintlady]

So, instead of checking the box that we investigated the possibility of ADHD in Carrot, he now has a diagnosis instead.  

Neither one of us was expecting that at all, so still processing and I won't get the actual results write-up until later this week so I'm kind of running off of memory from all the numbers she was throwing at me.  The gist of it was she thinks what will help him the most with his poor executive skills...is harder classes at school.   They did IQ testing and apparently, he's really high performing on several things (like greater than 2 standard deviations above the mean of 100) so he has these scores of upper 120's lower 130's, then you get to processing speed or working memory (I can't remember which) and it's 103 which while in the perfectly normal range is a massive gap from the rest and tells her something is amiss.

She wouldn't speak for or against meds and said to just talk with our pediatrician, but thinks he could benefit from "training" on how to manage trouble areas. Then she started talking about IEPs and 504 plans and my brain glazed over.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Ok.  Stick a fork in me.  I am so done.  I just want to go to work, mow my lawn, watch tv, maybe have a bowl of ice cream every now and then...I don't want to stress about all this kid stuff anymore.

Next Summer Carrot's HS band was invited to play the Independence Day parade, go to a concert on the White House lawn, all kinds of cool stuff.  He's super excited, once in a lifetime opportunity, yadda yadda.  Problem is, he'd already committed (and paid) to go on another major trip with the scouts in July as well. I figured, well, the band trips are normally about 8 days so they should be back by the 7th or 8th of July.  Leaving on the next trip the morning of July 14th, which would be a lot for July, but fine.  We just found out that the Washington trip is going to be extended to include Boston and they won't be back until the 10th or 11th!  Still in theory doable, but the scoutmaster is really uncomfortable with this, mainly because he's worried Carrot is going to come back sick from the first trip (totally understandable because the kid catches everything and they're going to be around a gazillion people for two weeks.

Personally, I think he should skip DC, but the thought of this is crushing for him.  He said he'd rather skip the 15 day hiking trip.  Ok...but...that's already paid for and it's not refundable.

Now I'm wondering how feasible it would be for me to bring him back early, but the logistics of that seem overwhelming to me as I loathe driving in big cities, and even without that, it's still 1000 miles of "running out to get him".  That's at least 32 hours of driving round trip (and that's if I wear a diaper and pack a cooler )

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 15, 2024 0:01:53 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Oct 14, 2024 20:01:14 GMT -5 Peace77 said:

Young adults can stay on a parent’s health insurance until age 26.  Pick whichever option is cheaper and/or offers better insurance.   
If his appointments are by telehealth and if he stays on your insurance, there no change to worry about or is there?

There’s no rush to register the car in a new state just make sure to get it done before the tab expires.

My main concern with this is insurance if he gets in an accident and it comes to light that the car has been kept in a different state.  Of course, the sucky part is it cost $316 to change the registration, so waiting would be preferable.

Insurance I'm not going to dig into until next week. I can do that after he's gone.  Premium-wise staying on ours would be the cheapest (free to him). They have so many options with the state...like 8 of them...so it will take me a bit to compare coverage.

ETA: And just when I think I know the best option (hold off on declaring residency). I get to the income tax portion of it.  Apparently MN will tax him on any income made anywhere and IL will also charge him on any income made in IL as a non-resident. The only way to get out of being double taxed at the state level is to change residency.

Meh.  I live in Iowa and work in Nebraska so I have been double state taxed my entire career.  It's not usually the full the tax if he was working/living in the same state it is a percentage. 

It really doesn't make THAT much of a difference besides the hassle of filing paperwork I've found out.

I pay someone to do my taxes.  I take everything to them and hand it off.  Could I do it all on my own?  Yeah.  Do I want to and do I care if I have to hand in my YM card over it? No

He can do the same.  He's young it is not like paying a year or two of two state income taxes is going to make him eat cat food in retirement.

ETA:  The majority of my employers do not take Iowa tax out.  I've done it long enough now that I know based on what I have taken out for Nebraska roughly what I owe Iowa.  We get a refund from Nebraska which tends to cancel out Iowa.  I've only ever been off by like $50.

So if he wants to put it away just find out what the IL percentage is and tack on like an extra $50-$100.  He doesn't need it all he has a buffer for next years taxes.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Oct 15, 2024 14:27:43 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Oct 15, 2024 0:01:53 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

My main concern with this is insurance if he gets in an accident and it comes to light that the car has been kept in a different state.  Of course, the sucky part is it cost $316 to change the registration, so waiting would be preferable.

Insurance I'm not going to dig into until next week. I can do that after he's gone.  Premium-wise staying on ours would be the cheapest (free to him). They have so many options with the state...like 8 of them...so it will take me a bit to compare coverage.

ETA: And just when I think I know the best option (hold off on declaring residency). I get to the income tax portion of it.  Apparently MN will tax him on any income made anywhere and IL will also charge him on any income made in IL as a non-resident. The only way to get out of being double taxed at the state level is to change residency.

Meh.  I live in Iowa and work in Nebraska so I have been double state taxed my entire career.  It's not usually the full the tax if he was working/living in the same state it is a percentage. 

It really doesn't make THAT much of a difference besides the hassle of filing paperwork I've found out.

I pay someone to do my taxes.  I take everything to them and hand it off.  Could I do it all on my own?  Yeah.  Do I want to and do I care if I have to hand in my YM card over it? No

He can do the same.  He's young it is not like paying a year or two of two state income taxes is going to make him eat cat food in retirement.

ETA:  The majority of my employers do not take Iowa tax out.  I've done it long enough now that I know based on what I have taken out for Nebraska roughly what I owe Iowa.  We get a refund from Nebraska which tends to cancel out Iowa.  I've only ever been off by like $50.

So if he wants to put it away just find out what the IL percentage is and tack on like an extra $50-$100.  He doesn't need it all he has a buffer for next years taxes.

But there is reciprocity between Iowa and Nebraska, so you get credit for taxes paid to NE on your IA return.  There is no reciprocity between IL and MN.  BOTH states will tax him on the income he makes there if he is a MN resident.

Eta: for some reason MN has reciprocity agreements with ND (understandable) and MI (huh?).  They had reciprocity with WI when I lived in WI, but that ended in 2009.  I'll have to talk with some of our WI employees to find out what that means for them.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Yeah, this definitely needs more studying.

Three states—Indiana, Minnesota, and Wisconsin—automatically extend reciprocity to any state that provides similar treatment to their own residents. Ironically, Minnesota and Wisconsin do not enjoy reciprocity with each other, since the Minnesota law permits the Commissioner of Revenue to rescind any such automatic reciprocity when they deem it to be “in the best interests of the people of this state.” Unusually, the two states entered into a revenue-sharing arrangement in which they compensated each other for the multistate activity, and disputes over payments led to a rescission of the agreement in 2009. In practice, Minnesota currently has specific agreements with two states, and essentially operates as a bilateral agreement state, while Wisconsin provides reciprocity with four states that have provided similar treatment to Wisconsinites.

[TheOtherMe]

Reciprocity makes a big difference in the taxes.