NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 10:37:46 GMT -5
He gave you a ring he had previously given to another woman?
Was it a family heirloom? Unless it was a ring passed down from his female ancestors, I can't see wanting to wear a ring given to a previous SO. I'd rather have a CZ of my own from WalMart than a diamond someone used to propose to someone else with first
And this is why I rarely mention it, I only mentioned here in response to "having to buy a ring".
No it is not a family heirloom and yes he proposed to someone else with it, but who the hell cares? It's just a piece of inanimate jewerly that only has meaning when someone assigns it.
He wanted to give me a ring, he already had a ring. *I* told him I'd take this ring since he already had one and I'd rather he save himself the money.
I don't hold onto the notion that I need a new ring so he can prove his love to me. She said no, I said yes, therefore the ring is now mine. Who cares what it's history is.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on May 17, 2011 10:53:40 GMT -5
Well as long as you're cool with it, that's what matters. Most people have a place where they draw the line at things they're ok with using that belonged to someone's ex. I don't have a problem with using a house or a car or furniture previously co-owned with an ex, but to me a ring falls more along the lines of using their lingerie or other bedroom items or re-using their wedding album. Too intimate.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 10:56:19 GMT -5
DH looked into getting me a different ring but he would have gotten peanuts back for this one, I told him to save his money. We also considered replacing the band since it's the diamond that drives up the cost, but that was when gold was at an all time high. Besides she was an 8 and I am a 4, when you change sizes that drastically according to the jeweler it really changes the dynamics of the ring, so it's pretty much a "new" one at this point.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 17, 2011 10:59:40 GMT -5
oooh, that sucks. DH had my ring appraised before he gave it to me because he was concerned that the previous chick might have given him back the ring, but kept the diamond and replaced it with CZ.Who was he engaged to, Winona Ryder?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 11:02:47 GMT -5
Who was he engaged to, Winona Ryder?
Heh, no.
It was Lindsey Lohan.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 17, 2011 11:07:06 GMT -5
Poor bloke!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 11:08:59 GMT -5
When he told me about it I was thinking "who the hell does that?" I guess that makes me a better person than a lot of people because even the jeweler said it isn't as uncommon as you think.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 17, 2011 11:09:33 GMT -5
...:::"Wait, you mean you guys can agree on this in advance and you don't think she'll keep her word when the time comes? ":::...
This is my general feeling in my professional life as well as my personal life. I have very little confidence that anyone will live up to an agreement, unless they already have. People change their minds too quickly, or they just chicken out when they actually have to pay for what they enjoyed. Doubly so if there is no leverage to hold them to their word.
...:::"Because part of the tradition of women wearing jewelry is to warn other guys that they're already spoken for.":::...
Other cultures accomplish this in much more cost efficient ways.
That being said, sometimes the man is the driver of the expensive ring. I know one guy in particular who said he "didn't want to be THAT guy" and get a synthetic, even though his fiancee WANTED one. That was a case of needing to keep pace with the other attorneys in the firm though.
...:::"You've never fought over anything? I find that a little strange - good if it works for you but strange.":::...
I call BS on this one. Its also maddeningly unhelpful. Perhaps next time we have a poster who can't make ends meet, lets remind him/her that Warren Buffet never has money problems.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 17, 2011 11:15:33 GMT -5
...:::"Because part of the tradition of women wearing jewelry is to warn other guys that they're already spoken for.":::... That being said, sometimes the man is the driver of the expensive ring. I know one guy in particular who said he "didn't want to be THAT guy" and get a synthetic, even though his fiancee WANTED one. That was a case of needing to keep pace with the other attorneys in the firm though. Huh? Who would know? Why would they know?
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 17, 2011 11:30:09 GMT -5
...:::"DH and I really didn't fight for the first 12 years. We had disagreements, and some communication issues but nothing ever escalated to raised voices.":::...
Oh good lord... OK, DF and I never fight either. We occasionaly pursue mutually exclusive outcomes, we have constructive differences of opinion, we talk loudly regarding matters of individual importance, and once in a while we have a temporary agreement postponement.
...:::"I think it was just unimaginable to her that we did have the money, but I wouldn't want it to be spent in this way.":::...
Such is exactly what I said earlier, about differing schools of thought coming together.
...:::"he was concerned that the previous chick might have given him back the ring, but kept the diamond and replaced it with CZ.":::...
Hey this is a SERIOUS problem. Unscrupulous dealers will switch out the stones when doing a cleaning, or worse: torque your ring. Think about it: most likely the owner won't find out until its far too late to prove. Even unscrupulous owners will do this, then file insurance claims.
...:::"Huh? Who would know? Why would they know?":::...
My guess is that buffoon would volunteer the information before they could even ask. Which proves to me that just because you graduate high in your class from Georgetown Law, does not mean you are smart.
I was so flabbergasted too. Its like dude... your woman WANTS a small ring, you should be on your knees thanking God. But I get how things work at the K-street law firms. There are standards, and if you want to make partner, you can't walk around with the nickname "synthetic proposal".
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 17, 2011 11:35:28 GMT -5
...:::"Huh? Who would know? Why would they know?":::... My guess is that buffoon would volunteer the information before they could even ask. Which proves to me that just because you graduate high in your class from Georgetown Law, does not mean you are smart. I was so flabbergasted too. Its like dude... your woman WANTS a small ring, you should be on your knees thanking God. But I get how things work at the K-street law firms. There are standards, and if you want to make partner, you can't walk around with the nickname "synthetic proposal". Sounds like he needs a lesson in confidentiality. But I hear you on the "Which proves to me that just because you graduate high in your class from Georgetown Law, does not mean you are smart." Some of the dumbest people I have ever met, I met in law school.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 17, 2011 11:35:59 GMT -5
Oh good lord... OK, DF and I never fight either. We occasionaly pursue mutually exclusive outcomes, we have constructive differences of opinion, we talk loudly regarding matters of individual importance, and once in a while we have a temporary agreement postponement.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 11:39:25 GMT -5
Hey this is a SERIOUS problem. Unscrupulous dealers will switch out the stones when doing a cleaning, or worse: torque your ring. Think about it: most likely the owner won't find out until its far too late to prove. Even unscrupulous owners will do this, then file insurance claims.
Yep. He said he paid $2500 and there was no way he was going to assume that she gave the diamond back. He wanted to make sure he was giving me a DIAMOND ring.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 17, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
Most people have a place where they draw the line at things they're ok with using that belonged to someone's ex. I don't have a problem with using a house or a car or furniture previously co-owned with an ex, but to me a ring falls more along the lines of using their lingerie or other bedroom items or re-using their wedding album. Too intimate. Really?? So you have no problem with the fact that he was banging this other chick, but you wouldn't accept an inanimate object he once offered to her because it's too intimate? On what planet does that make sense?
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MN-Investor
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Post by MN-Investor on May 17, 2011 13:36:10 GMT -5
When we got engaged in '75, I had just graduated from college and DH was a senior in college. We didn't have an excess of money. My engagement ring cost 1/3 of my monthly salary.
I firmly believe that the idea that a man needs to prove his financial worthiness with an expensive diamond ring is a scam being perpetuated by the diamond industry.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 13:37:19 GMT -5
So you have no problem with the fact that he was banging this other chick, but you wouldn't accept an inanimate object he once offered to her because it's too intimateNever quite thought if it that way before. Course I don't care that he was banging another chick either, he did have a life before me. Just no details please.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 13:37:34 GMT -5
This message has been deleted.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 17, 2011 13:42:23 GMT -5
Really?? So you have no problem with the fact that he was banging this other chick, but you wouldn't accept an inanimate object he once offered to her because it's too intimate? On what planet does that make sense? Just because I don't care that DF had another fiancee before me doesn't mean I want to wear her underwear (I don't necessarily agree that ring = underwear but if they're similarly intimate objects in qofcc's mind then I don't blame her for not wanting a used ring). I'm not sure whether or not I'd be okay with getting DF's previous fiancee's ring. I think I'd rather have nothing than something symbolizing his past and couldabeen future with someone else.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 17, 2011 13:50:05 GMT -5
I don't blame her for not wanting a used ring OK, but by that same logic I don't blame him for not wanting a used vagina.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 13:52:04 GMT -5
OK, but by that same logic I don't blame him for not wanting a used vagina
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on May 17, 2011 13:52:36 GMT -5
Really?? So you have no problem with the fact that he was banging this other chick, but you wouldn't accept an inanimate object he once offered to her because it's too intimate? On what planet does that make sense?
How can you get upset about your SO being with someone before they even met you? Unless you met in HS, chances are you are not going to be dating someone who has never had a relationship before.
If someone was engaged or married to someone else previously, I can understand that he might come with assets that he once shared with someone else. I wouldn't ask a guy to give up a car or a house just because his ex once lived there or drove it, but a ring isn't just an asset, it's a symbol and it's personal. As I said, to me, wearing a ring he put on her finger and she walked around wearing as a symbol of their commitment would be like re-using their wedding album or wearing a nightgown she left behind. Just weird and too intimate.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 17, 2011 13:54:11 GMT -5
Hahaha, Dark. You could take that to all sorts of extremes, I suppose. You don't have to want certain intimate objects from a SO's past. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting a used ring because it's too intimate.
How would you like it if Loop had been engaged before you and she kept the ring and then wore it for your engagement?
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 17, 2011 13:56:55 GMT -5
How would you like it if Loop had been engaged before you and she kept the ring and then wore it for your engagement? I honestly don't know. She owned jewelry before she met me and still has it, and I have to assume some of it was gifts from previous boyfriends. I really don't care.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 17, 2011 14:02:28 GMT -5
Generic jewelry is one thing, an engagement ring is another. I'm sure I still have bracelets and necklaces that were gifts from exes floating around, and I don't see why that should matter to anyone. My girlfriends give me bracelets and necklaces, as does my own mother. They're not specifically romantic.
A ring is something else entirely. Whatever else my ring says to the world around me (apparently it's a chattier accessory than I thought), to ME it's a symbol of my life with DF. It's symbolic of how much we love each other and how excited I am to marry him and have kids with him and all sorts of intimate couple things.
After thinking it over, I don't think I'd want a ring that once symbolized such things with DF to another woman. I would feel like I was being used as a substitute - like my life with him is no different than his life with her would have been.
I don't fault DQ for not minding a used ring - everyone's different. But I wouldn't like it. Even if my ring only cost $50, I want my own.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on May 17, 2011 14:09:16 GMT -5
DQ, I am really surprised by this. DH designed my ring himself and had it made custom. I love my ring and what it symbolizes of our life together. If he gave me a ring from a previous relationship, it'd drive me crazy. Same thing if my ring was given to another woman after me, it'd drive me bonkers too.
And FWIW, I could never share a bed that previously belonged to DH and another woman. (shudder)
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 14:10:32 GMT -5
Firebird you are supposed to want a BIGGER MORE EXPENSIVE ring. Sheesh, if you are going to debate the issue at least do it right. DQ, I am really surprised by this. I honestly don't think about it anymore unless conversations like this one pop up. I've had it now for 5 years (engaged 2, married 3), so it's past doesn't matter anymore. I'll admit I was bothered by it a little at first, but when I actually THOUGHT about it rather than listening to everyone else's opinion on the matter I didn't really care. I won't share DH's past because that's private, but sitting on my side knowing the ENTIRE story it changed my perspective on the ring. I understand too it's a deeply personal thing. I don't expect anyone else to agree with me. What I never appreciated though was people in RL going off on me about how WRONG I was and that I should have DEMANDED a new ring and not only that, one with a bigger price tag. I don't agree with that. I can respect that people wouldn't accept the ring, but I don't agree with the expectation that DH should compensate and prove he loves me more by going out and getting something flashier.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on May 17, 2011 14:16:12 GMT -5
I honestly don't know. She owned jewelry before she met me and still has it, and I have to assume some of it was gifts from previous boyfriends. I really don't care.
Hmmm... I didn't keep my wedding ring from my first marriage, I thought it was appropriately symbolic to give it back. I have 2 pieces of jewelry (not rings) given to me by ex boyfriends that have sentimental value and I won't get rid of them, but they're packed away with cards and other mementos from that time of my life and I don't wear them anymore, it just doesn't seem appropriate.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 14:17:32 GMT -5
I got a ruby pendant from my HS sweetheart. DD's birth stone is a ruby so at some point I plan on popping it out of it's pendant setting and having it recast for DD. Beats it sitting around in a box gathering dust.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 17, 2011 14:24:51 GMT -5
I don't agree with that. I can respect that people wouldn't accept the ring, but I don't agree with the expectation that DH should compensate and prove he loves me more by going out and getting something flashier.
Yeah, that's extremely not cool. People should MTOFB.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 14:26:38 GMT -5
Yeah, that's extremely not cool. People should MTOFB. Engagement rings, weddings, marriage, pregnancy and children are were I have found that people think it is totally acceptable and even WELCOME to say the rudest dumbest shit I have ever heard. Though I will admit sometimes it was fun to look at my ring and go "What would I upgrade to if this is 1.5 carats?" and watch them burn in jealousy.
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