msgumby
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Post by msgumby on May 16, 2011 18:49:24 GMT -5
On the topic of what others will think if you don't have a ring... Both our families new we were serious about getting married (had been together over 9 years, most of it cohabitating and we had already set a date) - so that wasn't an issue. When MIL found out my husband hadn't bought me an engagement ring she was very pissed at him. She called him up and told him that he had to buy me one, and not to believe me when I said I didn't want one. I'm glad my DH realized he knew me better than his mom did and listened to what I had to say on the topic. I think it was just unimaginable to her that we did have the money, but I wouldn't want it to be spent in this way.
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Loopdilou
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Post by Loopdilou on May 16, 2011 18:55:00 GMT -5
What he doesn't realize is that the engagement ring is really the only ring I'll wear because it's ridiculously simple, not ostentatious, and I won't be out much anything if I lose one of the diamond or sapphire chips ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) My post-wedding ceremony engagement ring and my wedding band (which was free, shows join marks and is scratched up, etc) are the only jewelry I wear and they get to stay there because I forget about them most of the time. If he had given me something that got in the way it'd already be gone.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 16, 2011 18:56:40 GMT -5
LOL msgumby!
When I was still in school, I left my ring on the sink ONCE - for ONE day - and had no fewer than three fellow students (all women, of course) pull me aside and inquire worriedly on the state of my engagement. Sheesh!
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DVM gone riding
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Post by DVM gone riding on May 16, 2011 20:01:26 GMT -5
Wow actual work the afternoon and look what happens!!
I don't go crazy correcting people if they cal me "Mrs DH's last name". So that helped make it more palatable to him.
I think this is the key. I don't get, and think they are slightly crazy, the women that go insane when you call them by their husbands last name. I would like very much to keep my name, its unique but very pronounceable and spelled like it sounds, but if some day the guy is insistent I will change. Either way what I won't do is forever correct other people and complain to miss manners how rude people are because they don't get my name right on invitations...seen this a couple of times.
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Post by gsbrq on May 16, 2011 20:46:45 GMT -5
I'd never change my name. Or do the hyphenated thing.
Lots of people who peripherally know me & my SO assume we are married, so I get called Mrs. (his last name) and he gets called Mr. (my last name) from time to time. Not a big deal, and we tend not to correct unless it's someone who might make the mistake again in the future...wouldn't want them to feel embarrassed by continuing to call me/him by the wrong name.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on May 16, 2011 20:49:38 GMT -5
I think the name change is definitely to each his (or in this case, her) own thing. I changed mine. I have to say that my maiden name was easy to say and spell and my married name is rather difficult, so that part is a pain.
I changed my name legally but tried to go by my maiden name at work and by my married name personally. That just didn't work out well. I was too confused as to who knew me by what name.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 16, 2011 21:35:47 GMT -5
Really interesting how the topic has shifted to rings and what the "traditions" mean. My first marriage I kept my last name(he did too) and we both only got wedding rings. When my almost fiancee and I discussed marriage we decided to do things a bit different due to his family and culture. If we had married I would have taken his last name but he would have added my last name to his name just before his last name. In his family adding names was common so its was we decided we'd do after discussing the options. I know we briefly discussed rings and I thought if he wanted to give me an engagement ring I wanted a turquoise and silver ring because I always wanted one. The added benefit would be twofold - one I wouldn't be expected to wear it daily after we were married with my wedding ring and two it could be fairly inexpensive or customized if he wanted. Not sure whether we decided on he needed his own engagement ring too or not. I wonder what I will decide in the future but I am sure it will be an intersection of what I'd prefer and what works best for us as a couple. Kind of how I think marriage and relationships should be. ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on May 17, 2011 7:11:37 GMT -5
We argued because he was of the mindset that I needed to give up my last name because now I was a part of HIS family, not mine anymore. Those ended up being fighting words. ![:o](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/shocked.png) I would've been out for blood.
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daisylu
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Post by daisylu on May 17, 2011 7:16:20 GMT -5
I have always thought YMers thought more outside of the box than "thats just how its always been done".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2011 7:22:42 GMT -5
I don't go crazy correcting people if they cal me "Mrs DH's last name". So that helped make it more palatable to him.I think this is the key. I don't get, and think they are slightly crazy, the women that go insane when you call them by their husband's last name. I agree- it's normal to assume that you took your husband's last name. I gently correct them. My Ex's Aunt, a wonderful woman (she held my Ex's hand during the divorce negotiations and was so good my own attorney was glad she was there), always addressed things to AthenaExsLastName. Fourteen years after the divorce, she still sticks an extra letter in my maiden name. So what? I did get annoyed when the bank put my name on the record with my Ex's last name when we took out a mortgage together. Nothing in the records was in that name. Pure stupidity.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on May 17, 2011 7:29:35 GMT -5
I have bff who did not change hers, either. She has two children: one boy and one girl. The boy has her husbands last name and the girl has hers. I think that's super cool. Especially since in my family the women are referred to as "Mom's mom's maiden name" girls, due to the strong family resemblence. There were a few generations where all men were married into the family, my cousins finally had some boys though.
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Post by pig on May 17, 2011 7:30:26 GMT -5
Any woman who considers herself "too important" to change her name probably won't be married that long anyway.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on May 17, 2011 7:42:17 GMT -5
I changed my name to DH's last name. I wanted us (our future family) to have the same last name. I don't care if women keep their maiden names. Kids with hyphens sort of bother me, only because it seems like it would be annoying for the kid and kids get made fun of for the most random things, the hypen stuff could be one of them.
I also don't have an engagement ring. DH and I both make good money and live in a HCOLA. I'm too practical for a ring. I wanted to save money for a downpayment on a house instead. I found it funny when some people would press me about that decision. Usually if someone asked I would say something along the lines of, "well I just didn't want one" and that was the end of the story. However, I found our more financially strapped friends (who usually happenend to have largeish ring) would often not accept that answer and keep trying to get something more out of me. I'm not sure what they wanted me to say, but if I was being honest, I would have said that I think diamond rings are a waste of money. I'm not sure how they would have reacted to that one. I guess some people just can't believe that you think something different from them
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on May 17, 2011 7:56:58 GMT -5
I don't get the "not wearing a ring" thing. I totally get not wanting to spend a ton of money on a diamond. My engagement ring was in the section with the diamond birthstone rings and cost about $150. I purposely chose something that's small, smooth and practical and I can wear gardening and won't snag my pantyhose. But wearing a ring is the universal symbol that you're taken and it just seems weird not to do that. I have a friend who has been happily married for over 20 years, but she recently stopped wearing her rings because she's been doing a lot of manual labor with her hands and her knuckles got bigger and she can't get them on anymore. I keep telling her to take them to the jeweler and get them re sized. Once the damage is done, I doubt her fingers are ever going back to the size they were when she was in her 20's but she's afraid that they're going to ruin the rings and she's hoping she'll be able to get them back on eventually. Every time we've gone out with other women for girls night, inevitably men come up to her and she has to explain to them that she's married.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 7:57:28 GMT -5
If you really loved her you'd step up and be a man and give her whatever she wants, then you'd send her to the spa for a mani/pedi while you sit at home in the dark and think about what you could do to make her life better! ![](http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff155/JiminiChristmas/smileys/1-1.gif) I drove women crazy because I didn't know the carat of my diamond when they asked. It's just not that important to me how big the diamond is. I probably would not even have one if DH had not already had my current ring in a safe. I thought it was silly to spend what they want for a diamond ring. He really wanted to give me one so I accepted this one. Finally I asked DH because I was thinking about getting insurance on it. Turns out it is 1-1.5 carats. ![:o](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/shocked.png) Apparently it's pretty good quality too, I recieve endless praise over it every time I go in to have my ring cleaned and examined.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 7:59:07 GMT -5
with her hands and her knuckles got bigger and she can't get them on anymore. I keep telling her to take them to the jeweler and get them re sized
That's my mom from doing word processing for 20 years. Problem with resizing is that her actual finger width below the knuckle hasn't changed. So to resize it so it fits over her knuckle would result in it not fitting where it should.
My dad doesn't wear his either because he works with car parts.
DH doesn't and isn't supposed to wear his to work for the same reason.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2011 8:25:17 GMT -5
Any woman who considers herself "too important" to change her name probably won't be married that long anyway. Stayed married for 13 years to a guy who was so mean and drunk Mother Teresa would have knifed him while he slept. Married almost 8 years to current DH. Still going strong.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 17, 2011 8:36:34 GMT -5
Any woman who considers herself "too important" to change her name probably won't be married that long anyway. Going on 8 years. Now taking bets on how long it will last.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 8:38:34 GMT -5
Now taking bets on how long it will last.
I'll take till Saturday May 21st.
;D
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 17, 2011 9:20:27 GMT -5
I haven't worn my engagement ring or wedding band in years. We also have completely separated finances...I did take his last name so I guess we have a marriage in name only ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 17, 2011 9:23:46 GMT -5
I haven't worn my engagement ring or wedding band in years. We also have completely separated finances...I did take his last name so I guess we have a marriage in name only ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) Hmmm, I wear my rings and we have completely combined finances, but I don't have his name. I guess we just have a financial marriage.............
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 17, 2011 9:27:06 GMT -5
I haven't worn my engagement ring or wedding band in years. We also have completely separated finances...I did take his last name so I guess we have a marriage in name only ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) Hmmm, I wear my rings and we have completely combined finances, but I don't have his name. I guess we just have a financial marriage............. Hey, we should all move in together...between the 4 of us we will have a real marriage ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 17, 2011 9:30:41 GMT -5
Hmmm, I wear my rings and we have completely combined finances, but I don't have his name. I guess we just have a financial marriage............. Hey, we should all move in together...between the 4 of us we will have a real marriage ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) So we can sit by the pool all day and eat bon bons! Great idea!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 17, 2011 9:32:56 GMT -5
Hey, we should all move in together...between the 4 of us we will have a real marriage ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) So we can sit by the pool all day and eat bon bons! Great idea! Can't we just drink by the pool? Bon bons go right to my ass ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on May 17, 2011 9:33:54 GMT -5
Any woman who considers herself "too important" to change her name probably won't be married that long anyway. How long is "not that long" DH and I have been married 19 years in October. The name thing is a non issue. No only between us, but beyond clarifying how to address an invitation, I don't think anyone we know is really all that hung up on it. On the engagement ring as a status symbol thing: DH also offered to replace my engagement ring. I keep telling him I like my ring. We were discussing how much one of my BIL's paid for an engagement ring to his ex (she did not return it) at Easter, and I commented that we had had this discussion, and that if we were going to spend money we were going to get His and her Mustangs. Every guy in the room looked surprised and intrigued, and the engagement ring discussion was pretty much over.
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Post by pig on May 17, 2011 9:34:53 GMT -5
Now taking bets on how long it will last. My guess is next Friday he gets fed up with your over domineering personality. ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 17, 2011 9:36:15 GMT -5
Now taking bets on how long it will last. My guess is next Friday he gets fed up with your over domineering personality. ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) He likes being dominated. ![](http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff155/JiminiChristmas/smileys/2-2.gif)
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 17, 2011 9:36:45 GMT -5
So we can sit by the pool all day and eat bon bons! Great idea! Can't we just drink by the pool? Bon bons go right to my ass ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) Sure. That works too.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 17, 2011 10:19:57 GMT -5
I keep telling him I like my ring. We were discussing how much one of my BIL's paid for an engagement ring to his ex (she did not return it) at Easteroooh, that sucks. DH had my ring appraised before he gave it to me because he was concerned that the previous chick might have given him back the ring, but kept the diamond and replaced it with CZ. We've never talked about upgrading, but I've had other women ask me when I plan to upgrade. To WHAT exactly? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png) Since when did it become the trend that you get a "starter engagement ring"?
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on May 17, 2011 10:33:56 GMT -5
DH had my ring appraised before he gave it to me because he was concerned that the previous chick might have given him back the ring, but kept the diamond and replaced it with CZ.He gave you a ring he had previously given to another woman? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png) Was it a family heirloom? Unless it was a ring passed down from his female ancestors, I can't see wanting to wear a ring given to a previous SO. I'd rather have a CZ of my own from WalMart than a diamond someone used to propose to someone else with first.
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