alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on May 16, 2011 8:42:17 GMT -5
I kept my maiden name when we got married 24 years ago. There were many reasons. My maiden name is ethnic and hard for some to spell. My DH names is more traditional English name, but when combined with my first name makes a very illitterative (I think that is the correct word) sound that reminds some of a porn star. Add in my middle name and you get the name of a famous (now deceased) advice columnist.
I have 3 kids and have never had any issues that took more than 5 seconds to correct. I do get called Mrs DHname frequently, but I don't make a big deal about it.
Once I was at my son's baseball game, they have their last names on the back of their jerseys, so a coworker says, "I know your kids have a different last name, so which is your son?" I thought wow, I could pick any one!!! But really not much of an issue.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 16, 2011 8:45:41 GMT -5
We have a gal at work who has had so many last names, I can never remember who to email. The last time she got married she sent out an email that said "This is the last time I will change my name - I promise!" LOL.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2011 9:53:40 GMT -5
I have my DH's last name. I was never attached to my maiden name - it's popular and sounds sing-songy with my first name. If we have a second son, his first name will be my maiden name.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 16, 2011 11:01:44 GMT -5
Its already come up a few times, and I am "ok" (by which I mean, begrudgingly accepted, but am not happy about) with DF keeping her name. I really wish she'd take mine, but why would she ever do that. It is entirely up to her how big a deal she wants to make this, but I have already stated my position. I am willing to go pretty far to hold my ground.
The bigger fight will be what name the kids have, if kids happen. That one could get really ugly.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on May 16, 2011 11:41:35 GMT -5
I have been married nearly 5 years, and did not change my last name. It was honestly my preference because I love my name. First, middle and last. It flows, and it's who I am.
We have a son, and he has DH's last name. People need to get a little more progressive and realize that just because I have a different last name, doesn't necessarily imply that I am not married to his father or something else for that matter.
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cael
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Post by cael on May 16, 2011 11:43:18 GMT -5
We have a son, and he has DH's last name. People need to get a little more progressive and realize that just because I have a different last name, doesn't necessarily imply that I am not married to his father or something else for that matter.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on May 16, 2011 12:06:28 GMT -5
My reason is that I was born with this name and I am going to die with it. The only thing that would convince me otherwise is if I need to enter the witness protection program. It seriously has never been an issue with the kids school. The only thing I do is say I am their mom which I would think I would have to do anyway. ;D Most of the parents because of divorce and remarriages have different last names anyway. Why would it be a big deal for a woman to have a different name than her children when they are still together, but no one has a problem with the mom who gets divorced and remarrying changing her name so that it is different from the kids?
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on May 16, 2011 12:16:54 GMT -5
In my experience, the people that are so strongly against a woman keeping her maiden name are usually men. of course, men don't have to change their name, so naturally that's why they have an opinion on why women should.
I have had my last name for 30 years, why should I change it because I got married? My husband certainly wouldn't change his last name to be mine. He even admitted that he'd be upset if I didn't somehow have his last time, which i find rather ridiculous.
I hyphenated my last name, it makes the most sense to me. I appeased DH by taking his name and was able to keep my own. Just because I got married doesn't mean I want to be wholly identified with him and his family and not with my own. Though in all fairness, I think he should hyphenate his too ;D
For the men: you shouldn't ask someone to do something for you that you wouldn't be willing to do yourself. My guess is that most of you certainly wouldn't change yours for your wife so don't demand that they do.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on May 16, 2011 12:26:47 GMT -5
"For the men: you shouldn't ask someone to do something for you that you wouldn't be willing to do yourself. My guess is that most of you certainly wouldn't change yours for your wife so don't demand that they do. "
Oh please lol, women ask men to do all kinds of things they won't do themselves. I agree with the sentiment, but lets not pretend that women aren't every bit as guilty with the "do as i say, not as i do" aspect. Engagement rings being the most obvious and blatant example. If it's ok for women to say "if you love me, then show it by doing this"...then it's ok for men to do the same with names. (I think it's fine to have your attitude, that people can just do what they like...but the reality is that it's not just a male issue.)
ETA: I will agree it's probably men who have the most issue with it. I don't care one bit if my fiancee changes hers, but I can see why people would care. Traditionally relationships have been give and take. Men do this this and this. Women do this this and this. Now all of a sudden some women say "I'm not going to do that thing"...but I still want to get the same things from men. I think on some level that strikes men as unfair and somewhat selfish. And frankly, I don't think there are a lot (there are some I'm sure) of women out there saying "I'm going to keep my name, and don't worry about buying me an engagement ring". Overall it seems to be "you keep doing what you're supposed to do, because that shows how much you love me...but I'm not going to do some of the stuff women have traditionally done and if you don't like it then you must hate strong independent women (even while they're polishing the shiny diamond they weren't too independent to accept).
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on May 16, 2011 12:33:28 GMT -5
"For the men: you shouldn't ask someone to do something for you that you wouldn't be willing to do yourself. My guess is that most of you certainly wouldn't change yours for your wife so don't demand that they do. " Oh please lol, women ask men to do all kinds of things they won't do themselves. I agree with the sentiment, but lets not pretend that women aren't every bit as guilty with the "do as i say, not as i do" aspect. Engagement rings being the most obvious and blatant example. If it's ok for women to say "if you love me, then show it by doing this"...then it's ok for men to do the same with names. (I think it's fine to have your attitude, that people can just do what they like...but the reality is that it's not just a male issue.) My best friend and her fiancee both have engagement rings. Hers is diamond, he preferred tungsten-carbide. IDK what they're doing for last names though... must go find out
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on May 16, 2011 12:48:57 GMT -5
I did the "two middle names" route, and I sign my name with both initials. I was Mary K Smith, so I use Mary K. S. Jones. I always figure the more initials you can rack up, the more prestigious it sounds.
I also think it's totally up the the couple. Actually, last week my sister (who kept her maiden name) sent me flowers at work to my maiden name. And ironically, it took over half an hour for HR to figure out who they belonged to, even though I'm the only person here with my first name.
And if you do change your name - don't change it with SS, and then move out of state. Been there, done that. Nothing will match when you have to transfer things to your new state. It took forever to get everything cleaned up, and I never did figure out how to re-title the car in my married name.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on May 16, 2011 13:18:30 GMT -5
I changed my name at 19 but keep it after the divorce and wouldn't ever change it again. The whole Mrs thing is worthless too. I am not Mrs last name or Miss last name and if you change back to maiden name are you miss maidenname or mrs maidenname? I rather just be first and last name without a miss or mrs and refuse to choose on documents.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on May 16, 2011 13:25:03 GMT -5
Good idea crone. I've been divorced twice and took my husband's last name at each marriage, but I'm not going to change it again for DH. He doesn't like it, but I've been Anne XXXX for over 35 years now and I'm not going to change it again.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 16, 2011 13:34:29 GMT -5
...:::"of course, men don't have to change their name, so naturally that's why they have an opinion on why women should. ":::...
Plenty of women out there expect men to take a new name as well, and cite a bunch of nonsense emotional BS about why he should. Of course said emotional BS, when flipped around, does still not excuse a man from his "obligations".
Karma to hoops for saying everything I was going to say. We are in a stage of transition right now, and that makes it very difficult when two people of different schools of thought pair up. 50 years ago, it was much more widely accepted of how things were supposed to go. Nowadays, its just one more thing to fight over.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 16, 2011 13:37:56 GMT -5
...:::"For the men: you shouldn't ask someone to do something for you that you wouldn't be willing to do yourself. My guess is that most of you certainly wouldn't change yours for your wife so don't demand that they do.":::...
This logic needs to be refined. It is much more accurate to say that you shouldn't ask someone to do something for you unless you are willing to do something equally significant for them. Sometimes a direct equivalent does not exist, in which case some currency conversion is necessary.
But a straight up "tit for tat" is such a juvenile mentality, it makes me think more of kids arguing on the playground. Certainly not a trait I'd want in a spouse.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 16, 2011 13:41:57 GMT -5
I asked my husband if he would take my name. We both thought it was important to have the same last name. He had just graduated college and didn't have as vast as a network as I had. I had been in the working world for 5 years, and had been locally raised around many powerful people, plus had a successful father. I hoped my last name would keep my name on "the list." I also pulled the "last of the dying name" trick. He confessed that he wasn't a stong enough man to do that. I'm pretty sure if he had agreed I would have chickened out. We would have been badgered pretty badly.
But, I took his name, and whatever - it's all good.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2011 13:43:24 GMT -5
We are in a stage of transition right now, and that makes it very difficult when two people of different schools of thought pair up. 50 years ago, it was much more widely accepted of how things were supposed to go. Nowadays, its just one more thing to fight over. Fight? DH and I have been married for 8 years, together for 14. We've never had a fight, maybe because our values on the major issues are so similar and we're just too darn mellow to get excited over the rest of it.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on May 16, 2011 13:43:29 GMT -5
When DH and I married I hyphenated my name. My Maiden name-hislastname. My kids have His last name_my maiden name. I wish I had done my last name in the same format the kids have. The reason is the insurance and anyone else who enters the individual family member names in a database would have them all together in the data base.
DH is going to change his first name legally in the near future, I would change my name at that time, but as others are mentioning passports - they are good for 10 years and just got one last year. I think I spent $300.00 for it. Maybe I can live with my current last name for the rest of my life. I don't care if you call me by any combination of my last names.
DH doesn't care. My kids have always had a good understanding of the names in the family and how they came about and the cultural significance of their last names - In DH's culture everyone has father's last name_Mother's last name. When the women marry, it is Husband's last name_Father's last name and mother's last name is dropped.
My advice, go with what you and your future spouse are comfortable with.
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msgumby
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Post by msgumby on May 16, 2011 13:59:08 GMT -5
I guess I'm the exception for hoops... I took my husbands last name and also didn't get an engagement ring . I think in theory one partner shouldn't ask major things of the other partner they aren't willing to do, but in practice it can't always work that way (he can't be pregnant) but it should be even to the extent that both partners are satisfied that any sacrifices they make are being matched by sacrifices by the other partner. I wouldn't say I would never ask my husband to do things I'm not willing to do, but I do believe that we should make compromises that we are both satisfied with. On the last name, I wanted us to have a single family name. We considered a number of options. Neither of us liked the sound of his first name with my last name. I suggested picking a joint last name, at which point my husband said "Skywalker" all excitedly - so that ended that idea pretty quickly. I do like the decision we ended up making - he's actually the only one in his family with that last name, so it sort of feels like it is just ours. I was also at a point in my life where I could change last names without it affecting me professionally, but had I chose to go into academia I would have kept my maiden name (all my published work is in my maiden name).
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 16, 2011 14:01:29 GMT -5
I suggested picking a joint last name, at which point my husband said "Skywalker" all excitedly - so that ended that idea pretty quickly.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on May 16, 2011 14:08:25 GMT -5
"I suggested picking a joint last name, at which point my husband said "Skywalker" all excitedly - so that ended that idea pretty quickly."
We had nearly the exact same conversation, she actually wanted to take my last name. I suggested that was sexist and that we should pick a joint name to symbolize our joint union. I also suggested we just go ahead and change our first names too. She didn't wanna be married to Thor Magnum though.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 16, 2011 14:40:14 GMT -5
Before reading any of the responses... my preference was that DF and I both change our name to his middle name, which is his mother's maiden name. I identify much more strongly with her side of the family, and I think it's a good strong name that works well with both of our first names. And I don't exactly think it's fair for JUST the woman to change her name.
However, DF wants me to change my name to his current last name. And after thinking it over, I agreed. I'm not thrilled about it, but I do want us to have the same name and if we can't both change to his middle name, his current last name makes the most sense.
I do plan to insist that our first son's middle name be my maiden name, just as DF's mom did with him. I think that's a nice tradition and my last name is also a good strong middle name.
There are a lot of VERY strongly held opinions about this subject, and in the end I didn't feel as strongly as DF did, so I decided to give him this one. And I do LIKE his last name; I think it sounds good with my first name and I get to keep the initial. I just relate more strongly to his mother's side of the family, and I think his dad is a tool so I'm not really stoked to share a name with him.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 16, 2011 14:41:52 GMT -5
I took my husband's last name, but have no plans to change back to my maiden since. His last name is pretty unique & I just realized if I google myself 1/2 the results that come up are actually for me, never happened with my old name, none of the results would be at all related to me.
I know others do it & have no problems, but I dislike the idea of having a different last name than my children. I don't know that I would want to change my name even if I remarry, although I would wonder if new DH would have a problem with me having old DH's name.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 16, 2011 14:48:07 GMT -5
The bigger fight will be what name the kids have, if kids happen. That one could get really ugly.
I feel like that would be pretty important to decide in advance...
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 16, 2011 14:48:32 GMT -5
I asked DH if he would change his last name. He told me he wouldn't because it is HIS last name and it means a lot to him because it is his family name, blah blah. I asked then why he could not understand why my last name was important to me?
We argued because he was of the mindset that I needed to give up my last name because now I was a part of HIS family, not mine anymore. Those ended up being fighting words.
He also said he gave me an engagement ring, so I took it off and gave it back to him.
I ended up hypenating and DD has his last name. DD's last name wasn't that important to me and it was very important to DH so I let him have it. I've had people try to tell me "It's your uterus, you should name her" and while I get their point it wasn't a hill I wanted to die on.
My logic is I already had a name, so why should I have to change it. DD didn't have a name yet so it was up for grabs. ;D
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cael
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Post by cael on May 16, 2011 14:53:33 GMT -5
We argued because he was of the mindset that I needed to give up my last name because now I was a part of HIS family, not mine anymore. Those ended up being fighting words. That must be a guy thing, DF used to give me the same thing (that I wouldn't really be *his* if we didn't have the same name). Annoyed the crap out of me. I'm not exactly some flaming bra-burning hippie but jesus, ain't no one the owner of me!
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sil
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Post by sil on May 16, 2011 14:55:01 GMT -5
We argued because he was of the mindset that I needed to give up my last name because now I was a part of HIS family, not mine anymore. Those ended up being fighting words.
*************************** Oooh....Ive gotta say DQ, I changed my name because it was a bigger deal to DH than it was to me, but I would have lost my mind if DH used this argument to convince me.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 16, 2011 14:56:02 GMT -5
Now all of a sudden some women say "I'm not going to do that thing"...but I still want to get the same things from men. I think on some level that strikes men as unfair and somewhat selfish. And frankly, I don't think there are a lot (there are some I'm sure) of women out there saying "I'm going to keep my name, and don't worry about buying me an engagement ring".
I disagree with this (shocker, huh?). I honestly can't remember the last thing I asked of DF that I wasn't willing to do myself. And I bought my own engagement ring (at least, we put it on my credit card - kind of a moot point since our finances are now merged). It cost less than $300 and I adore it.
If there was one condition about my engagement ring from the start, it was that he not spend too much money on it. I can't stand it when women equate the kind of ring they get with how much their guy loves them, especially when they go so far as to DEMAND he buy a ring that he can't afford. (Hello? His finances will be yours too, soon enough - do you really want to be paying back your own engagement ring in five years?)
But anyway, DF and I really try hard to keep things equal but most of that is in the mindset, not the actions. And if I really, really insisted that we both change our name... if it were THAT important to me... I think he would go along with it. To be honest, I am still a little chuffed that I'm the only one changing. As I said, I would really prefer that we both switch to his mom's maiden name. But this isn't the hill I want to die on. As long as we can give our first son my maiden name as his middle name, I'm okay with taking his. I think it's a tad unfair and I'll probably always think it's a tad unfair... but I'm not going to carry resentment over it. If I thought I would, I wouldn't do it.
Even though we TRY to keep things equal, I understand that they can't always be. This is one of those times for me. Someday I'll probably want DF to do something that he thinks is a tad unfair, and that will be okay too. My only rule is that if you're going to feel resentment over something, for the love of God don't agree to it in the first place. I would much rather hash out stuff like this in advance than find out later that it was a dealbreaker.
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sil
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Post by sil on May 16, 2011 14:56:42 GMT -5
Besides, I actually hear the opposite is true..."A son is a son 'till he takes a wife. A daughter's a daughter for all of her life."
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 16, 2011 14:56:45 GMT -5
Oh yeah, I bought DF an engagement ring also ;D He doesn't wear it because it's too heavy and not really his style (I bought it long before we were engaged), but I did get him one. It's the thought that counts.
He did tell me what he wanted for his wedding ring, and of course I'm going to buy him exactly what he wants for that.
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