Changing Name After Marriage

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

I took my wonderful DH's last name when we married.

[Cookies Galore]

My children have DH's last name. Having different names hasn't caused any problems.

For real. My mom went back to her maiden name when we were 8, 5, and 3 (divorce). No one has ever questioned that we were her kids, so the "too make it easier" line is a crock.

I don't plan on changing my last name. My sister didn't change her last name yet (we procrastinate in this family) and the kids have my BIL's last name, no one has ever thought she was picking up the wrong kids at school.

[dragonfly7]

I dropped my middle name and became Dragonfly MaidenName MarriedName for personal history-related reasons. In the end, it didn't make anyone happy except me. The community I was raised in expected me to just take DH's name, while the community I was educated in criticized changing anything at all. . My dad was particularly upset that I chose to drop the middle name he chose for me versus my maiden name, though it helped that I later bestowed that name on my daughter.

I didn't intend to keep socially using my maiden name, but after we moved to Texas, I learned of another Dragonfly MarriedName of nearly the same age in our county. Though we've never met, I've been mistaken for her on a number of social and one legal occasion, so I tend to use at least my middle initial if not the full Dragonfly MaidenName MarriedName most of the time.

[swamp]

May 15, 2011 15:19:24 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

So if people keep their original names then who are the kids named after?

My kids have DH's name. It was really important to him, and it really didn't matter to me.

[MN-Investor]

My kids have DH's name. It was really important to him, and it really didn't matter to me.

George Foreman?

[swamp]

His last name, not his first name.

[Deleted]

I went through this dilemma almost two years ago. When I married at age 20 in 1974, it wasn't a big deal. Neither of us had much including credit cards. We were married for almost 25 years, and then it was 10 more years before I married again.

So for 35 years I was known by ex's married's name. I have two degrees with it printed on it and a professional license. Literally hundreds and hundreds of people in the area (I had taught those 35 years . . . usually 120-150 kids a year) knew me by that name.

But it still remained that it was my ex's name, not my maiden name. I cringed at the thought that students would call my new DH Mr. Ex's name. So I went through the PITA of doing the name change thing . . . and it IS a PITA. I constantly find stuff that I haven't changed. I sold my timeshare, and fortunately someone at school was a notary so I didn't have to "prove" (without a driver's license) who I used to be.

I think we should all keep our birth names. My DIL did this. Her kids have their father's name, but she still has the one she was given at birth. I thought it was odd at first until I had to go through the process at a later stage in life.

[Deleted]

Might as well kill off another tradition until they are all gone.

[Ava]

I will keep my maiden name forever.

[commentator]

It makes no difference to me which man's surname (her father's or her husband's) a woman chooses to use. On the "professional" aspect, most of the married women I know who chose to keep using their father's surname did so because they had made a name for themselves using that name.

Anyone who chooses to change their name should inform the Social Security Administration and get a new card issued under the new name before filing his/her next income tax return.

[Deleted]

My wife kept her last name and I kept mine. It works for us and it's all good ;D

[Phoenix84]

I'm just shocked at how many people here keep separate names from their spouse. I suppose it may have something to do with the self selecting group of people who frequent this message board. Certainly a different crowd than I've known my whole life.

According to the article, the percentage of married women keeping their madien names peaked in the 90's at 23%, but has since dropped to around 18%. Hardly a majority.

Except for this message board it seems.

[Phoenix84]

Personally having a family with different last names would bother me more than changing my name. I would have a hard time dealing with kids and a wife who had different last names from me.

I suppose this sort of falls under why I'd feel uncomfortable with a prenump. If you're committing your life to someone why do so many people feel a need to remain so independent?

[MN-Investor]

If you're committing your life to someone why do so many people feel a need to remain so independent?

My DH has been committed to me for almost 35 years now. I hardly felt the need for him to change his name to mine in order to prove his commitment!

Marriage is a partnership! A marriage of two equals. If a woman wants to change her name, fine. But if she wants to keep the name she's had all her life, that's equally fine. She gets to decide.

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

I was talking about this with DF tonight. I am older (in my 30s) and will be getting married next year. I really like my maiden name but I like his name as well. What all do you need to do to change names? I have heard about going to the DMV and SSA... I can imagine that the state dept would get involved for the passport. Can you keep these documents until they expire and change the name with the renewal? Can you use both names at the same time? I really don't want two names (Audrey Alyce Jones Smith) or the hyphenated version (Jones-Smith). I really like my middle name so I don't want to give it up (I just want to be Audrey Alyce XXXXX). Any advice, ladies?

[daisylu]

I have it all - I kept my middle name and added my maiden name as a second middle name with DH name at the end. As I changed everything over I was often asked what I wanted to use as my middle initial.

I found this approach the most convenient for me. My children both have my maiden name, so if I show up at a function to pick them up there is never an issue beacuase my license reads : DAISY LU MAIDENNAME MARRIEDNAME. I sign everything DAISY L MARRIEDNAME. It also allowed me ample time to get CCs and oddball stuff changed over.

I only knew that this was an option because I have an aunt who gave all of her children 2 middle names.

[Deleted]

May 16, 2011 0:31:38 GMT -5 Mardi Gras Audrey said:

Can you keep these documents until they expire and change the name with the renewal? Can you use both names at the same time?

As I mentioned earlier, I would think it would get complicated when you do something using one name and then need a piece of ID in the other. I just got back from a trip to Europe that was mostly vacation but included 3 days in my company's office in Zurich. (Company paid to get me to and from Spain, where we'd been vacationing, and for the hotel room in Zurich; DH and I paid the rest.) Several times at airports my passport was checked against my boarding pass. The reservations between Spain and Switzerland were made on our corporate travel site (required by company policy) which has my name embedded in. I'm not sure how it would have worked if the passport had had one last name and the boarding passes another. Having dealt with vigilante types at the airports, I would not think that carrying around a copy of your marriage license would be a 100% guarantee, especially since you could encounter an employee who doesn't understand enough English to translate it and has no idea what a valid marriage license should look like.

There is a way to change your name on your passport; I think it pretty much involves getting a new passport, but they're used to it.

My ex-SIL manages to keep one name professionally and one socially but I'm not sure how she does it. I prefer one name for everything.

[tractor]

I insisted that my wife change her name after we got married, it's rare that you can find someone willing to have the same name as my girlfriend.*


*Bad paraphrase from a joke I heard on the radio.

My wife and I never discussed this, she just did it because that was the thing to do. I work with one guy who hyphenated his last name onto his wifes. It's a nightmare when you're trying to get him though a security/background check. He's known as the "hyphen" around the office.

[zibazinski]

I just wish there was an easier way to find women friends from long ago who married. I only know their maiden names. You can always find the guys of course.

[CarolinaKat]

I don't know what I would do. DBF wants everyone (him, wife, children) to have the same last name because growing up, between he, his siblings and parents, there were 6-7 different last names. He said it was pretty much a nightmare.

Most of the women in my family went the 2nd middle name route, that could work.

[cael]

This was a battle for a long time with myself & DF. I originally never wanted to change my name - my maiden name is quite unique and it's pretty, and his name isn't bad, but it isn't pretty and I don't love it. He was like, completely offended and thought it was the most outlandish thing he'd ever heard. He grew up in a different area with a different demographic than I did I think, as I was pretty used to knowing married couples with different last names. He'd say things like "but you won't really be mine" and oooh boy, them's fightin' words! Of course the kids would have his name. So I held on to that for a while.... however, over the last few months (with the wedding coming up I've had to think about it), I've realized I think I do kind of want to change it. So I think I'm going to. I will keep my maiden name as my middle name though definitely.

I have a friend who's sister is married and has two babies now... she didn't change her name, but is now thinking about it because she feels weird having a different name from her kids. Guess that's just a personal preference.

[swamp]

May 16, 2011 0:05:48 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Personally having a family with different last names would bother me more than changing my name. I would have a hard time dealing with kids and a wife who had different last names from me.

I suppose this sort of falls under why I'd feel uncomfortable with a preamp. If you're committing your life to someone why do so many people feel a need to remain so independent?

What does my name have to do with anything? It doesn't mean I'm less committed to my husband, it means that I have a business in my name and I'm not changing my business name.

[swamp]

May 16, 2011 7:49:57 GMT -5 cael said:

I have a friend who's sister is married and has two babies now... she didn't change her name, but is now thinking about it because she feels weird having a different name from her kids. Guess that's just a personal preference.

Havign a different name from my kids really doesn't bother me. Again, personal preference.

[qofcc]

I didn't think anything about it when I took my first husband's name. I was 19 and we were moving to a different state, so there were no career issues. I kept his name when we divorced so I'd have the same last name as the kids. When I married the 2nd time, I changed my name again. It wouldn't have been appropriate to keep my ex's name, but what a PIA! I many of the customers I dealt with at work I only had contact with a couple of times per year and it took a long time for them to figure out I was the same person. A few even thought I was new and told my boss they hoped I was as good as the last girl. Changing my name on the utility bills was especially annoying. I still have the gas bill in my previous name because they wouldn't accept just a copy of my marriage certificate, they sent requests for more paperwork proof of identity twice until I finally said screw it, not worth the hassle.

The IT guys at work call it "entering the witness protection program" when a woman gets married and they have to change her name in all of the systems. It causes confusion for everyone for months.

I think for a woman starting out it might be practical to hyphenate her married name to her maiden name so that no matter what happens to her marital status, she can keep the same first part of her last name, but I hate it when people hyphenate the kids last names. I once knew a couple who each had their parent's hyphenated names. What were they supposed to do if they got married, concatenate 4 names?

[Deleted]

AudreyAlyce, the list of things to change only STARTS with SS and DMV. I literally keep a copy of my marriage license because there is always "one" more thing with the wrong name on it.

There are bank accounts and credit cards. There is the title to your car (I waited until mine was paid off). The mortgage is still in my old name as are the utilities. I contacted them, but they never sent me the form. The phone company charges to change your name, by the way.

There was the timeshare. This week it is the prepaid college account I set up for my oldest grandchild. I never know half the time what something is listed in. I give multiple names when I try to pick up pictures that I ordered online at Walgreen's, for example.

It's much simpler, as I said, when you are 20 and have barely started making your own life. It is much harder at 57 when you have scattered your name in hundreds of places.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

First of all I wonder how a potential employer would know if you kept your maiden name or not,

I don't fill in the box asking if I have gone by any other name. Every application I've filled out asks that or for "maiden" name.

So it'd probably be assumed I am either unmarried or kept my name.

I hypenated. DH and I got in a huge fight about it and it was the only thing I could think of to keep the peace. He's still kinda mad about it and will say we are not "offically" married because of it.

Oh well, not his name.

We've had no problems with it and have had no problems with DD having his last name instead of mine. All the documents I've had to sign for her have my full legal name on it, so there are no doubts that I am her mother.

Professionally I still forget to add his name on. I didn't want to go thru the pain of being reassigned a new email so that is still in my maiden name, but I am found in the address book under my full legal name.

DH's family calls me and addresses mail as Mr and Mrs DH's husband. I've had people tell me I should be offended and correct them but I don't see the point because then I have to explain that I didn't take his name and I've found that is not a conversation worth having with some people.

Professionally I'm at the start and professionally it wouldn't really hurt me anyhow. If I had articles they could link current articles under my name to articles I wrote under my maiden name, or I am free to keep publishing under my maiden name.

So I don't find that it really matters in my case.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

With so many marriages ending in divorce, I would think that it'd be easier for a woman to just keep her maiden name.

Would'nt that be "planning" for divorce. Akin to having a pre-nuptual agreement?

[cael]

Oh, I also know a couple (straight) who made up their own last name to both take. Neither of them had much attachment to their names or their parents, so they picked one they liked and went with it.

[steph08]

I took my DH's name when we got married. I do miss my maiden name and have thought about going back to it, but I doubt I would do that unless I switched jobs because I don't want people assuming that I got divorced and then having to explain. And I doubt DH would be thrilled with that idea. I don't know though; he often still writes my maiden name on things even after being married for a year and a half.

I didn't find changing my name to be all that difficult. Two days after I got married, I took the marriage license and myself to the SSA office to change my SSN, then went to the DMV and got an update card (because I didn't want to pay for a new license after I just got one), and called my credit cards. Some of them I haven't changed yet, but that is only because I am lazy and haven't gotten around to it.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Steph that is what I did too, I was advised by someone to go to the SSA office FIRST and get my new social security card. Once I did that everything else was a breeze to change because when I gave my SSN, my new name came up with it.

My bank card still has my maiden name but they said as long as they have my new name on file I do not HAVE to change my card if I don't want to. Since it takes them forever to issue me a new one I just kept the name already on the card.