whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 13, 2011 11:46:47 GMT -5
No one believes me when I say this. but it's usually not about the money, it's usually about something else. If respect, commitment and trust are there, money thing can ALWAYS be worked out.
I hope things end well for you and especially for the kids. Don't make a mistake of thinking that they don't know what's going on. My toddler is much more peseptive than many adults I've met. There is something about child's view that hasn't been clouded by preconceived notions or emotions and somehow they just see things for what they are . They might not understand all the details, but they get it on some primitive level. So, first and foremost, take care of your kids and make sure that they are OK!!!!
Lena
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 11:48:17 GMT -5
So, where did the money go? I'm not saying you weren't justified in having her followed but I think you have way bigger issues than balancing your budget now. This was over 2 years ago. So? You never got a straight answer, so I'm not seeing any reason to trust her now.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 11:52:10 GMT -5
This was over 2 years ago. Doesn't sound like anything has changed, you've just decided to turn a blind eye more than actually trust your wife.
I trust my DH, but I would be stretched to the limits if he was driving 100 miles every week (That is one way to Des Moines for us) to allegedly see a friend who just happens to never want to come to our house.
That's too far out there for me to be able to say "Okay honey, have a nice time", my radar would be going off.
Not to mention the fact of how much money that is costing you. I'd also have a hard time "dealing" with "my issues" as I watched our bank account get smaller as DH visited his "friend".
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on May 13, 2011 11:52:49 GMT -5
Meh, I think you must have "welcome " written on your forehead, because she is treating you like a doormat. You really deserve a life partner who respects you and treats you well, not someone who steals your money and expects you to live in poverty while she lives the good life.
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RoadToRiches
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Post by RoadToRiches on May 13, 2011 11:56:19 GMT -5
Damn...now that there is more to the story lol...
So you say you have "dealt" with your insecurities? Why did you suspect your wife was cheating? Was it because of your previous relationship maybe? Did you get cheat on? Or maybe you cheated on someone and now you were afraid of the same happening on you? Do I hit home with this? I am not saying anything, but you know what they say...there is always two sides to every story.
After reading more of your story, money is the LAST thing to worry about in your case. You simply do not have a marriage. You have a roommate. You need to fix the "feelings" part first before you fix the money thing.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 11:58:14 GMT -5
Why did you suspect your wife was cheating? Because every weekend she goes to visit her "BFF" who will never recipriocate on travel and $5400 is unaccounted for.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 11:58:37 GMT -5
What's the easiest way to put this.
I trust her now in everyway, except in finances.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 13, 2011 12:02:51 GMT -5
You really deserve a life partner who respects you and treats you well, not someone who steals your money and expects you to live in poverty while she lives the good life.
Actually, people accept the love they think they deserve. And for my money, you deserve what you think you deserve.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 12:03:06 GMT -5
I trust her now in everyway, except in finances.
SERIOUSLY? I don't know whether to piss myself laughing or weep at the absurdity of this.
I dare you to invite yourself along to meet her friend (tell her you want to visit with her husband or something) and see what her reaction is.
If she flips out at the idea and comes up with a ton of reasons why you CAN'T go with her, then she isn't visiting her best friend.
Or she is using visiting her BFF as a platform to do other things, then can always be seen with her BFF (and thus a PI) and "prove" she is trustworthy.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on May 13, 2011 12:03:47 GMT -5
<< 3 years ago I had to take a different job, making much much less. I guess I just really needed to vent, and hoped that others may have had a spouse who "found the light" after years of hair pulling. >>
My spouse never saw the light. If there are magic words to say for a spouse to "get it", I don't know what they are. She sounds very selfish. Have you tried sitting her down and explaining income vs outgo? It is reasonable that she has some money to spend any way she pleases, but not all of her paycheck. You should have an equal amount of money to spend any way you please. Where would your family be if your attitude matched hers? Ask her that.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on May 13, 2011 12:08:47 GMT -5
<< It really has nothing to do with the money but, more to do with the lack of ..................
respect, understanding, caring? I really don't know what to call it, just an overall apathy to pitching in. >>
She's not part of the team, that's what it is.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on May 13, 2011 12:22:58 GMT -5
<< I suspected cheating. My wife was not working, 5400$ was missing from our savings, it was one of my old clients, he just watched 1 or 2 days a week and wrote me reports. >>
Did you ever get to the bottom of the missing $5400?
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on May 13, 2011 12:36:17 GMT -5
<< And for me that was the crux of the situation, I never got a straight answer. I had suspicions, so I let it drop and FIRMLY took control of the finances. >>
For me, that would be completely unacceptable.
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sil
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Post by sil on May 13, 2011 12:42:59 GMT -5
CME, can you tell us more about the bff and her husband? Are they rich (comparitively)? Do they lead a carefree life? Does your wife's BFF work, or does her husband pay all the bills?
Perhaps your wife isnt as interested in visiting with her BFF, but rather she is more interested in pretending that she is living BFF's carefree life?
Going to BFF's house allows her to live in a fantasy of a world where she has no responsibilities and lives in relative luxury. She might also be re-living her youth where she and her BFF had fun flirting with the boys on the beach (I for one, wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she's acting upon these flirtations)
I know you are afraid that if you cut off her spending spree, that you will end up in divorce court. But if her fantasy is to lead a "cared for" lifestyle, then Im pretty sure she'd prefer to have her family in tact even if it means she has to pluck her own eyebrows and live her fantasy life once or twice a month vs. being a single mom without means to support her 3 young kids.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 13, 2011 13:12:39 GMT -5
I know you are afraid that if you cut off her spending spree, that you will end up in divorce court. But if her fantasy is to lead a "cared for" lifestyle, then Im pretty sure she'd prefer to have her family in tact even if it means she has to pluck her own eyebrows and live her fantasy life once or twice a month vs. being a single mom without means to support her 3 young kids.
Very excellent point, sil.
I wonder if it's not something external driving her to her special friend's house, but something internal? Maybe she wasn't ready to be a mom, and feels like the pressure is too much. Maybe she's unhappy in the marriage too?
Just random thoughts.
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Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 13:12:52 GMT -5
"Going to BFF's house allows her to live in a fantasy of a world where she has no responsibilities and lives in relative luxury. She might also be re-living her youth where she and her BFF had fun flirting with the boys on the beach (I for one, wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she's acting upon these flirtations) "
Hey I am sure everybody would like to re-live their youth... But every freaking weekend??? especially when you DO have responsibilities and 3 young kids.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 13, 2011 13:15:39 GMT -5
Hey I am sure everybody would like to re-live their youth... But every freaking weekend??? especially when you DO have responsibilities and 3 young kids.
I didn't say it was okay, just speculating on Mom's motivation.
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Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 13:16:47 GMT -5
"I didn't say it was okay, just speculating on Mom's motivation. " Sorry I didnt mean that against you, I was just saying she is licing in a fantasy world
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 13, 2011 13:23:44 GMT -5
Sorry I didnt mean that against you, I was just saying she is licing in a fantasy world I think I was mixing up you and sil ;D I agree that even if this is why she's doing it, she needs to cut it out and shape up if she wants to keep her family together.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on May 13, 2011 13:28:27 GMT -5
OP- I don't mean to sound rude or cruel but your entire relationship seems a little messed up based on what you are telling us. Look at the facts: 1. She leaves the kids in daycare to run off and hang at the beach with her friend on a weekly basis. 2. $5400 magically disappeared from your account with no explanation. 3. She puts her personal grooming and entertainment needs above the needs of her family. 4. You are struggling to pay the bills and stay afloat while she is running around like a teenager on summer vacation.
I think you need to really re-evaluate your situation. Based on the information you have shared it sounds like you are married to a selfish teenager. Either you both need to get on the same page with the finances and your marriage or else you will just be spinning your wheels until she decides she wants a divorce.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2011 15:02:07 GMT -5
Pack up the kids and go with her every weekend. You are a family.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 13, 2011 15:07:06 GMT -5
Pack up the kids and go with her every weekend. You are a family.
She won't like that if it will distract her from certain... other activities.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 15:08:54 GMT -5
I vote for doing it to see her reaction, because that's going to tell you what is going on when she visits her friend. Actions speak a lot louder than words.
Course I am not trusting enough to let DH go weekly to see a "friend" 100 miles away to begin with.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2011 16:44:00 GMT -5
CME, can you tell us more about the bff and her husband? Are they rich (comparitively)? Do they lead a carefree life? Does your wife's BFF work, or does her husband pay all the bills? Perhaps your wife isnt as interested in visiting with her BFF, but rather she is more interested in pretending that she is living BFF's carefree life? Going to BFF's house allows her to live in a fantasy of a world where she has no responsibilities and lives in relative luxury. She might also be re-living her youth where she and her BFF had fun flirting with the boys on the beach (I for one, wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she's acting upon these flirtations) I'm a mother to one and given the description, I think this is what is going on. It sounds like your DW has gotten into the habit of escaping from family life. This is also why the friend doesn't come to your house. If the friend is better off, she could also be getting ideas about what is normal, like frequent trips to the salon. It is still a problem and needs to be addressed. As far as people not driving 100 miles round trip to visit friends, my sister drove 80 miles round trip weekly for 7 years to visit me. I know this isn't a sister, but they have known each other since grade school.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 16:54:56 GMT -5
CME, can you tell us more about the bff and her husband? Are they rich (comparitively)? Do they lead a carefree life? Does your wife's BFF work, or does her husband pay all the bills? Perhaps your wife isnt as interested in visiting with her BFF, but rather she is more interested in pretending that she is living BFF's carefree life? Going to BFF's house allows her to live in a fantasy of a world where she has no responsibilities and lives in relative luxury. She might also be re-living her youth where she and her BFF had fun flirting with the boys on the beach (I for one, wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she's acting upon these flirtations) I'm a mother to one and given the description, I think this is what is going on. It sounds like your DW has gotten into the habit of escaping from family life. This is also why the friend doesn't come to your house. If the friend is better off, she could also be getting ideas about what is normal, like frequent trips to the salon. It is still a problem and needs to be addressed. As far as people not driving 100 miles round trip to visit friends, my sister drove 80 miles round trip weekly for 7 years to visit me. I know this isn't a sister, but they have known each other since grade school. Her bff is of modest means works as does her husband, she does have a trust fund that pays her some money. Her kids are older, 15-16 with one thats 7, so the older kids get the job of watching him when they go out. I have a standing invite to go over whenever, from my wife her bff and her husband, I don't go basicaly because I have nothing in common with them other than my wife. I don't drink to get drunk, go bar hopping, (last year bff got into a wreck taking backroads from bar to bar), or watching nascar.
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patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on May 13, 2011 17:11:46 GMT -5
wow what a myriad of issues.
You both need to go to counciling again I think. Tell her how you feel, just like you do here. If she wants to make this work, she will go.
If you've made it too easy all along it IS going to be hard for her to change. But if she wants the marriage to work, she will work on it.
And her BF sounds like a trashy, bad influence. Sry.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 13, 2011 19:37:14 GMT -5
So CME, what are your thoughts after a little feedback from the tough talkers?
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 20:58:20 GMT -5
I may try the fin advis path. If for no other reason then to get her thinking.
I won't divorce over money, infidelity yes if it's proven. See if she is amicable to paying for internet/cable/phone, city water/gas and lights while I pick up the Mortgage. I have been reading other threads, since I make 2x's her pay I'll try the 2/3 me 1/3 her approach with even on food and home/auto repairs.
Edit to add:
I like the straight forward attitude here, seems cordial but with a slight tension, like people are waiting for the blood to hit the water.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 14, 2011 7:23:41 GMT -5
Edit to add: I like the straight forward attitude here, seems cordial but with a slight tension, like people are waiting for the blood to hit the water. I think that's because we thought we were answering a money question but it really is a relationship issue. We all wish you the best of luck in fixing this... know that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2011 7:49:22 GMT -5
I won't divorce over money, infidelity yes if it's proven. See if she is amicable to paying for internet/cable/phone, city water/gas and lights while I pick up the Mortgage. I have been reading other threads, since I make 2x's her pay I'll try the 2/3 me 1/3 her approach with even on food and home/auto repairs. I'm a Christian and I take marriage vows seriously, but I did divorce over financial issues (with alcoholism and verbal abuse thrown in). No infidelity AFAIK. One thing you need to think of is your kids and the examples she's setting. Do you want them to learn that it's OK to get your eyebrows waxed with "your" money and to leave your kids every weekend, leaving your husband to do the dull stuff like pay the mortgage? That's not a healthy atmosphere for boys or girls to live in. I don't think you'll have an easy time getting her to change her behavior. For years, she's gotten away with the attitude that what you earn is for paying the bills and what she earns is "her money" to spend as she wishes. She is not being a partner. I agree with the earlier poster who suggested that you get counseling on your own. You're being taken advantage of and it may not be good for your kids, either.
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