RoadToRiches
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Post by RoadToRiches on May 13, 2011 8:33:41 GMT -5
Man that's rough. I am not married or have any kids, but I am surrounded by my friends in their low to mid 30's all getting divorced. It's sad. It affects everyone around and it's not fun at all.
The only advice I could give you is to sit down with her, like it was already mentioned..and TALK. Show her the numbers. I wouldn't go all Nazi on her and start cutting stuff out. That's too drastic and will make her mad. Just be civil. Sit down with your WIFE and talk about these things. Show her how much income you guys are making and what needs to be paid. If the conversation starts to heat up, stay calm.
I wish you good luck. I have to say though, you do not want to go through a divorce. Trust me on that one, I seen it being done. It's horrible. Most of people think that it will be all nice and easy, but it's not. There is always one party that turns totally evil. The only good thing comes out of it that you see and learn who people really are.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 13, 2011 8:33:53 GMT -5
Oh, and I still stand by what I said - I just can't wrap my mind around a woman with 3 kids running away to see her "friend" every week. I have two toddlers at home, so I get a need for "me" time and all that, but if the money is not there, and it's EVERY SINGLE WEEK, I just don't get it how she could be doing that. There's gotta be something else going on
Lena
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 13, 2011 8:35:13 GMT -5
You need to work out the budget with her. You both need to sit down together and run all the numbers. Then set out a a fixed amount of money for her to visit her friend, car repairs, child care, etc. You won't convince her if she doesn't understand the math. Just telling her "we can't afford it" isn't going to be enough of a convincing argument. Get out all your bills and future expenses (car repairs) and write it all down. That's the only way to get her to see the light.
Then whatever her fun money amount is - get an envelope and put it in there every week. You should each get one and that's it.
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Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 8:41:14 GMT -5
"Oh, and I still stand by what I said - I just can't wrap my mind around a woman with 3 kids running away to see her "friend" every week. I have two toddlers at home, so I get a need for "me" time and all that, but if the money is not there, and it's EVERY SINGLE WEEK, I just don't get it how she could be doing that. There's gotta be something else going on"
Agreed. My boyfriend's ex wife was a SAHM the last 5 years of their marriage for 2 kids while my boyfriend worked. As soon as he would get home, the kids would immediately become his responsibility because she needed that "me" time every night, and went out partying 2-3 nights/week. Well it turns out she was cheating... I am not saying that's what she is doing but she does not seem very committed to your marriage (or kids).
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Epiphany
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Post by Epiphany on May 13, 2011 8:49:18 GMT -5
You need to work out the budget with her. You both need to sit down together and run all the numbers. Then set out a a fixed amount of money for her to visit her friend, car repairs, child care, etc. You won't convince her if she doesn't understand the math. Just telling her "we can't afford it" isn't going to be enough of a convincing argument. Get out all your bills and future expenses (car repairs) and write it all down. That's the only way to get her to see the light. Then whatever her fun money amount is - get an envelope and put it in there every week. You should each get one and that's it. THIS. Vagueness does no good when she doesn't see the bills. Work it all out on paper. Have her take over paying the bills and balancing the checkbook. She doesn't know how? teach her
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on May 13, 2011 8:49:27 GMT -5
It is possible for her to change if she wants to. DH had a lot of issues with money. I would tell him "We have $350 left until payday so try not to spend any money" and damn if that man wouldn't spend every penny. It took a lot of work and going over budgets with him to get him to understand what was really happening financially in our lives.
Now he is really quite frugal and responsible with money. Gone are the days in which he would hide purchases from me in the garage. No longer does he tell me "oh, I bought that a while ago" when I would ask about a new purchase.
Could it be a denial or depression issue? If BFF is better off then she is, is your wife ignoring the problem so she can build an image that you are better off financially than you really are? If you want her to change it's not going to happen unless she is willing to put in the effort.
Good luck. DH changed but he wanted to and was willing to make the effort.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on May 13, 2011 8:52:17 GMT -5
cme, Have the two of you tried joint counselling?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 8:59:40 GMT -5
And not to be too cynical, but are you SURE??? that she is visiting her friend and not someone else?? I've had and known a lot of really good friends, but driving 100 miles every single week..... I don't know....... I would be suspicious. Bingo. It's not a BFF, it's a BF, IMHO.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 9:12:27 GMT -5
cme, Have the two of you tried joint counselling? for a few months about a year and a half ago, helped some she got tired of it and didn't want to go anymore. It's not her cheating her friend lives near the river she goes sits out gets burned, gets hit on and shoo's the guys away. (PI)
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 9:14:54 GMT -5
cme, Have the two of you tried joint counselling? for a few months about a year and a half ago, helped some she got tired of it and didn't want to go anymore. It's not her cheating her friend lives near the river she goes sits out gets burned, gets hit on and shoo's the guys away. (PI) Helloooooooooooo. Did you just read what you wrote? She's not shooing anyone away. She likes the attention. She might not actually be screwing them, but it's kinda fun to be hit on when you've been playing mommy all day.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on May 13, 2011 9:15:09 GMT -5
You said you are not afraid of you wife, you are afraid of the court system. Has it come to that? Has your wife threatened divorce? if she has, you have a lot bigger problems than money. When DH and I have money discussion, there is never any talk to divorce over it. Marriage is a partnership, and two people who love each other and want to make it work will do what they have to do to get through the tough financial times. If your wife is not in your marriage completely, then it is only a matter of time before she divorces you anyway, money or no money. Might as well get out before she sucks you dry and leaves you in debt. I've seen it happen to several friends. One was even working 3 jobs and killing himself just so his wife could be a SAHM. she then divorced him because he was never home. When a partner is done with the relationship, there isn't anything you can do to save IMHO.
If she really is in the relationship, and just clueless about money, take her to a financial counselor, get someone to show her the light.
I wouldn't be afraid of my husband or divorce, I'd be afraid of a bankrupt future due to a spouse that didn't give a darn.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on May 13, 2011 9:18:23 GMT -5
If she won't go, I'd go alone. You need to figure out how much this bothers you and whether or not you can accept the way she is if she refuses to change.
A counsellor may be able to suggest different approaches. If it becomes clear that things simply are not going to change a counsellor can help you deal with it.
Sometimes there is no option except divorce but when there are children involved, it's a last resort -or should be..... And, it's expensive!
Frugalnurse and I posted at the same time.... A financial advisor is a good suggestion... When we were using a FA, he coud convince DH when I couldn't.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 9:24:21 GMT -5
for a few months about a year and a half ago, helped some she got tired of it and didn't want to go anymore. It's not her cheating her friend lives near the river she goes sits out gets burned, gets hit on and shoo's the guys away. (PI) Helloooooooooooo. Did you just read what you wrote? She's not shooing anyone away. She likes the attention. She might not actually be screwing them, but it's kinda fun to be hit on when you've been playing mommy all day. It's not her cheating her friend lives near the river she goes sits out gets burned, gets hit on and shoo's the guys away. (PI) Private Investigators report, any man that hit on her was shood away with 3 minutes. He followed her for 8 months. My wife never threatened divorce, though we have discussed it. Because I suspected infidelidty, which the PI proved was false, this was about 2 years ago.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 13, 2011 9:26:48 GMT -5
OK, my last post on this - if you have to have a PI follow your wife for 8 mo - you don't have a marriage, all the money things aside you don't trust her, she has zero consideration and respect for you. Your marriage is just not there, whether you have gone through messy paperwork or not.
I hope I am wrong, I've been wrong before
Lena
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 9:33:32 GMT -5
OK, my last post on this - if you have to have a PI follow your wife for 8 mo - you don't have a marriage, all the money things aside you don't trust her, she has zero consideration and respect for you. Your marriage is just not there, whether you have gone through messy paperwork or not. I hope I am wrong, I've been wrong before Lena Actually putting it in writting and reading it you may be right. I could just be grasping at straws trying to save it.
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sil
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Post by sil on May 13, 2011 10:33:09 GMT -5
Sounds like she's acting like a child. Children get allowances. So that's my suggestion - give her an allowance.
But I wouldnt present it that way, of course. Let her know that you need to have a meeting to discuss money and walk thru the numbers with her, discuss the income you are both bringing in and the expenses that must be paid (be fair - a gas budget that will get her back and forth to her job and for family errands is a part of your shared expenses)
Then after you total up all the expenses, calculate how much is left over each week or each month. Split this fun money pile evenly, and that is your/her allowance. If she chooses to spend her fun money on eyebrows or gas to visit her friend, that is her business.
Next month, have another "money date" if an unexpected car repair comes up (this should come from savings, but lets just say you dont have savings to cover it) then you both get less "allowance" that month.
Oh and make sure to set a rule that if one of you spends fun money on a credit card, then their next month's allowance will be used to pay the cc bill.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 13, 2011 10:46:40 GMT -5
It's not her cheating her friend lives near the river she goes sits out gets burned, gets hit on and shoo's the guys away. (PI)
Um, excuse me? If she's just going to visit her friend they could hang out on her PORCH and avoid getting hit on by guys all the time. You must be extremely secure because there's no way in hell that my DF would be okay with me blowing off my kids to hang out on some beach with a girlfriend once a week to get hit on by guys.
Okay, helpful comment: How does your wife communicate and learn? If you were going to teach her how to play chess, would you start by explaining the rules, giving her a book, or just playing and letting her figure it out as you go?
The way people learn affects how they perceive problems. DF is a big picture kind of guy, and he prefers not to get involved with the details. So I can't tell him "hey, the cable bill is $100 more than we can afford right now," it needs to be more like "our discretionary spending is 60% of our income right now and we need to cut it back... ideas?"
So figure out what is going to make your wife get the picture. Is it a spreadsheet? Is it a pie chart? Is it her writing the checks to pay the bills for a month? Figuring that out will help you customize your approach.
If she flat-out doesn't care about it, that's a different problem. But a lot of times in situations like this, the spouse that doesn't seem to care simply doesn't understand the extent of the problem because their spouse always fixes things. And once they understand, sometimes things change.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 10:50:36 GMT -5
It's not her cheating her friend lives near the river she goes sits out gets burned, gets hit on and shoo's the guys away. (PI)
You hired a private investigator to tail your wife? If you felt the need to hire a PI that should send up BIG red flags about your marriage.
I honestly wouldn't care what the PI found, if I felt that I had to hire one that means I no longer trust DH and I am at the point of where I am willing to shell out money to try to convince myself I CAN or validate that I can't.
Time to go at that point, IMO because no matter what the PI I found I'd never be able to truly trust DH again.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 13, 2011 11:09:54 GMT -5
Why on earth did you hire a PI? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png) Now this needs to come out. What on earth is going on? You get to spend money hiring a PI to follow her for *8* months but she doesn't get to have her nails done or whatever??
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 11:28:02 GMT -5
Why on earth did you hire a PI? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png) Now this needs to come out. What on earth is going on? You get to spend money hiring a PI to follow her for *8* months but she doesn't get to have her nails done or whatever?? I suspected cheating. My wife was not working, 5400$ was missing from our savings, it was one of my old clients, he just watched 1 or 2 days a week and wrote me reports. After that we tried counseling, I delt with my insecurities and trust issues.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on May 13, 2011 11:28:57 GMT -5
Have either of you brought up the subject of divorce?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 11:29:11 GMT -5
Why on earth did you hire a PI? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png) Now this needs to come out. What on earth is going on? You get to spend money hiring a PI to follow her for *8* months but she doesn't get to have her nails done or whatever?? I suspected cheating. My wife was not working, 5400$ was missing from our savings, it was one of my old clients, he just watched 1 or 2 days a week and wrote me reports. After that we tried counseling, I delt with my insecurities and trust issues. Watched what? ![](http://boards.msn.com/Themes/default/emoticons/confused_smile.gif)
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The J
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Post by The J on May 13, 2011 11:29:14 GMT -5
I'm going to have to echo the last few posts -- if you've gotten to the point where you hired a PI to follow her for 8 months, it means that you don't trust her. If the trust is gone, what's the point? And don't tell me it's "for the kids." As one of those people whose parents stayed together too long "for the kids," I can tell you that it's a bullshit excuse and generally not good for the kids.
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Frugal Nurse
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Post by Frugal Nurse on May 13, 2011 11:32:29 GMT -5
Wow $5400 disappeared? I hope she had a good explanation. I'd be livid if DH took $5400 without consulting me first.
ETA: there would be no PI involved, just me making DH's life a living hell until he confessed where the $$ went. If he refused, or had a poor excuse, I would be filing divorce ASAP.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 11:37:16 GMT -5
My wife was not working, 5400$ was missing from our savings, it was one of my old clients, he just watched 1 or 2 days a week and wrote me reports.
After that we tried counseling, I delt with my insecurities and trust issues. Dealt with them or shoved them under the bed? There is no way in hell I'd EVER be able to trust DH if $5400 went missing from our savings and was unaccounted for. I don't care what the PI found in 1-2 days. That's only 1-2 days, that doesn't account for all the time before and after those 48 hours and all the time between the money went missing and the time I discovered it was missing. DH would be gone if he took that much money out of our savings and didn't tell me and could not account for it. There would be no "dealing with trust issues" because he's clearly not deserving of me even TRYING to trust him. ![>:(](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/angry.png)
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 13, 2011 11:38:56 GMT -5
DH would be gone if he took that much money out of our savings and didn't tell me and could not account for it. There would be no "dealing with trust issues" because he's clearly not deserving of me even TRYING to trust him. Ditto. Hey, where's Hoops? Someone needs to stick up for the wife here! ![](http://boards.msn.com/Themes/default/emoticons/tongue_smile.gif)
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 11:41:08 GMT -5
DH would be gone if he took that much money out of our savings and didn't tell me and could not account for it. There would be no "dealing with trust issues" because he's clearly not deserving of me even TRYING to trust him. ![>:(](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/angry.png) Bingo.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 13, 2011 11:42:10 GMT -5
So, where did the money go? I'm not saying you weren't justified in having her followed but I think you have way bigger issues than balancing your budget now.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 11:44:32 GMT -5
Wow $5400 disappeared? I hope she had a good explanation. I'd be livid if DH took $5400 without consulting me first. ETA: there would be no PI involved, just me making DH's life a living hell until he confessed where the $$ went. If he refused, or had a poor excuse, I would be filing divorce ASAP. And for me that was the crux of the situation, I never got a straight answer. I had suspicions, so I let it drop and FIRMLY took control of the finances. Now that she is working steady, I feel she needs to contribute fully just like I do, fun comes after bills and food are paid for.
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 13, 2011 11:45:02 GMT -5
So, where did the money go? I'm not saying you weren't justified in having her followed but I think you have way bigger issues than balancing your budget now. This was over 2 years ago.
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