Y Ma'am Support for NomoreDrama

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

That is a great obituary.

Bob's eco urn arrived today. It's really neat. The pamphlet with it is very nice in how it handles the topic.

I think he will like it. I found a poem to him from mom in my pile I'm going to attach to the box.

[giramomma]

Aug 6, 2022 11:03:43 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I think going back to work might be best for your mental health.  You need to figure out a way to distract your brain for several hours and this can work.  It sounds like you’ve got what needs to be done under control right now.  

Work was a godsend for me.

[empress of self-improvement]

Aug 6, 2022 12:09:16 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Aug 6, 2022 11:03:43 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I think going back to work might be best for your mental health.  You need to figure out a way to distract your brain for several hours and this can work.  It sounds like you’ve got what needs to be done under control right now.  

Work was a godsend for me.

Same here. Working with the cat group has also helped.

[NancysSummerSip]

For you and the family, Drama. I pm'ed you.

[Opti]

Aug 5, 2022 15:36:44 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

The same for hospice nurses.  I don't know how they do it.  Mom hung on much longer than they expected.  A nurse was with us for 16 hours on the Sunday before mom died on Monday evening.  As her regular hospice nurse said, until the heart stops, you have not died.  

We were told on both Saturday and Sunday it would be an hour and she hung on that long.

I'm not fully sure how they do it either. I think the best ones are blessed with compassion and see death as a process. They aren't scared by it and know we all go through it eventually. 

I remember the nurse telling me the body shut down in an orderly fashion just before my mom died. I understood what she meant even if at the time I did not fully see it that way. I'm glad the nurse was able to be with you. I hope it helped.

[Opti]

Aug 4, 2022 6:45:11 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Thank you guys.

I'm very heavy today. It's the best wordcI can come up with.

I woke up thinking about I was going to take mom with me to see Pirates of Penzance at Chanticleer when she got out.

It was my grandmother's, her mom's, favorite musical. Not sure if I still want to go. It stabs me when I think of it.

I haven't read an Anne Perry novel since grandma died. We had our little book duo. I feel pain all over again whenever I see one of the books.

I made DH throw out a pair of my pajamas. They are the pair I wore all night into yesterday. Seeing them made me sick. I can't have the death pajamas in my house.

I can't stop thinking about my dad in total shock.

My hips and knees still hurt from that God awful chair. That's not helping.

We might be working tonight. I told dad we can take it day by day. He really can't afford not to be open now but still.

Then again routine might help because life goes on IDK.

I've thought about you and this post probably too much. I hope someday when you are ready you can see things your grandma or mother enjoyed and have joy and remember them fondly. 


I hope both you and your dad especially can find a little more peace every day. 

[skeeter]

Just finished reading the Obituary you posted for your dad The Walk of the Penguin Mich .  It sounds like he was an amazing man with many talents.

Thank you for sharing it.

[Deleted]

Aug 6, 2022 9:18:28 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Aug 6, 2022 8:48:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I looked into the obit. $150 and I hadn't even started typing yet. SIL said MILS ended up being $300.

We seem to be getting the word out good with just Facebook and recruiting people to spread it.

I still need to post it on the restaurant page. I wanted to make sure I had permission first.

Here is a copy of my dad’s obit.  This was a collective contribution between me and my siblings.  The tongue in cheek tone was something dad would have appreciated and enjoyed.  I have no idea as to the cost.

obituaries.pressrepublican.com/obituary/paul-steffen-733859822

I wish I had been lucky enough to have known your Dad.  The obit is amazing-those words let me see him somehow

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 6, 2022 19:12:57 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

Aug 6, 2022 9:18:28 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Here is a copy of my dad’s obit.  This was a collective contribution between me and my siblings.  The tongue in cheek tone was something dad would have appreciated and enjoyed.  I have no idea as to the cost.

obituaries.pressrepublican.com/obituary/paul-steffen-733859822

I wish I had been lucky enough to have known your Dad.  The obit is amazing-those words let me see him somehow

Thanks, that was the goal.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My necklace came. Holy crap I wasn't prepared for that.

My dad is depressed and angry. He's feeling hopeless over the business and is worried about money.

I made the mistake of saying well you did what other people can't and you tried.

He countered he has nothing to show for it and he was bringing home $2k+ a month before he quit.

I had no answer. I have no idea what to do.

[finnime]

Just being there and listening to your dad is what you do. That's a gift for your dad right now.

[azucena]

I'm rooting for your dad to pour his time and energy into the pizza place right now and still see if he can't give it a go.

Of course I know it's an uphill win and no sense continuing to lose money long term but I'm here for the happy ending.

[gracendignity]

I'm sorry for your loss, as well. And whatever you and your family/loved ones are going through. Hugs ♡
Nice to meet you! 🙂

NNP, I thought I replied to this (and another post) but it appears I pushed the wrong button to post.  I post so rarely that I didn't realize the "post" button is not the same as the "reply" button.  SMH.  

Thank you for your kind words about my brother-in-law's unexpected death.  I'm sad for me--he's been in our family for 40 years--but even more sad for my niece/nephew who have lost their older brother, the mom (just last year) and then their dad.  They are so young to have lost so much.  

[lurkyloo]

No other way out but through, right?

I‘m not actually convinced that your response was even the wrong one.  Your dad will need to work through his grief, which is hard and messy and emotional and doesn’t come easily to generations that were taught emotion is bad.  Venting can be helpful, spiraling not so much, so I’d just keep an eye on that. But emotional outbursts, hard as they are to listen to, could also be helping him process.

You might encourage him to think about how he’d always wonder if he’d passed up the chance, or whether he thinks he made the wrong choice based only on the information he had available at the time.  I have a lot of choices that I’d have made slightly differently had I had more complete information.  But I take comfort knowing I made the best decision I could with the information available at the time.

Was your mom actively working at the business?  Did that mean they spent more time together than had he stayed at his job?  If so that angle might bring him some comfort.

HTH 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

That's part of what is killing him right now.

My mom encouraged him to take this leap. She was his cheerleder even when he didn't want it.

She handled all the bill pay and computer stuff. I've been walking him through that as best I can.

He right now feels guilty she wasn't as huge a part of it as she wanted at first.

Believe me the two of them would NOT have been good work spouses. My mom found her niche as the lady in the background. She used her strengths which is computer work.

He feels like it took him away from her more. From what he's shared with me so far I feel the opposite.

He feels like the lack of current success is a slight to her memory. That he did all this for her and now what?

If he quits he loses their joint dream. He keeps going it hurts plus there is the ongoing money issue.

I toldhim Bob and I support whatever he chooses. So does J his other main employee.

A couple of our regular customers came in yesterday to pay respects. I was talking to the wife about it and she said dad may not want to hear it now but 3 years isn't Nothing.

In those three years he made a lot of people in the community happy. That counts for something in the universe. Especially right now when it's on fire.

They were living mostly on my mom's social security. My dad has retirement savings and stock but is only 63. He's not eligible I think to take his SS yet. He's going to apply for widower benefits. I agree mom.paid into it he might as well get some.

He's at a crossroads. DH said I can't make the choice for him all I can do is agree to walk with him and that's what he needs.

[Opti]

I hope your dad soon can see it as you do. Pizza makes many people happy so I hope you can at least get him to acknowledge that. 

[giramomma]

NomoreDramaQ1015 ,

Is there a fee based financial planner that your dad could go to, before he does anything financially?

My mom chose to handle everything herself. No lawyer. No other guidance. She wouldn't listen to me.

She's going to be screwed for 2022 taxes and beyond. And it's going to be her own doing.

Your dad's situation is complex. And, yes, it is possible to qualify for SS at 62.

But, you need to consult someone who can help with the financial side of things, before you get into situations where you can't unring bells that will screw your dad.

I also agree that you are doing fine. My mom doesn't want answers or help. She just wants someone to talk at, because for her that relieves her loneliness. Really, instead of keeping a diary, she likes to talk it out.

Your dad also doesn't have to make any decisions now. I mean, yes, some. But, he can let a lot of things.

If you are in a position to have influence, I would encourage you to get on your dad for updating all his paperwork as soon as possible.

Are there grief support groups in your neck of the woods? I would make a list for your dad and give it to him. He may not go. But, it could still be a useful exercise.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

He'd definitely have to and would consult before selling the business.  We already talked about that because he wanted to know if Bob or I wanted it first.  If he decided to do that there are a lot of steps he would have go through before he could officially sell it to whoever chose to buy it.  That's assuming we found a buyer within five minutes.  That is not of major concern at this time.

I'll prod him when he goes to sign up for widower SS to ask about taking his instead and which is a better option.  I know with my mom it was only a reduction of like $200 a month so they decided it was better to take it at 63 than have her try to find work.   Pick whichever one ends up being a larger sum.

With his knowledge of cars he has options. Maybe not great but more than he believes right now. Hell Target pays $19/hr right now, which is what I was making at UNMC with a bachelor's don't think that doesn't annoy me.

I also did point out the blood bank is up to $1k a month for plasma donation. He and I are optimal donors in terms of health.  

We're trying to get DHs blood pressure under control so he can donate. It'd go a long way towards repairing the damage he caused to our finances.

The house is paid off, the cars are paid off he's in a pretty good spot as far as bills for home life.  It's the business that is wobbly right now and causing headaches.   Bernie is officially cut off so that will also go a long way he was helping him more than either my mom or I realized. 

We'll worry about the hospital bill when and if it comes.   Bob and I disagree but I think my dad is right if the bill does show up rip off the band aid and go for BK.   My dad is 63 he's not going to be getting another mortgage or a car loan any time soon so there is not much need to worry about credit score at this stage in the game.   It makes no sense for him to struggle paying for it.

If he were to sell the business and whatever his half of selling grandma's house is minus the amount he has to pay back he would be fine.  He would have to find something to fill his days but financially he would be sitting on a pretty good nest egg until he reaches retirement age himself.

He should have about $50k after selling grandma's house and paying back the account.   Hopefully we get it sold this year.

[lurkyloo]

That’s rough.  I’m sorry.

The usual advice is to hold off on major life decisions for six months to a year after something like this, so that you‘re not making decisions colored so strongly with raw grief.  If you can, I‘d probably try to get him to set a date in several months‘ time to reassess and just keep on for now, as circumstances permit.

I like the idea of a fee only FP.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 7, 2022 10:52:30 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

That’s rough.  I’m sorry.

The usual advice is to hold off on major life decisions for six months to a year after something like this, so that you‘re not making decisions colored so strongly with raw grief.  If you can, I‘d probably try to get him to set a date in several months‘ time to reassess and just keep on for now, as circumstances permit.

I like the idea of a fee only FP.

Even if he started the process of looking for a buyer right this very moment it would be close to that before anything could officially happen anyhow.  I said let's focus on just getting through August right now.  Then September and so forth and so on.

I'll talk to him about SS.  He'll have to meet with a representative anyhow but it may be of more benefit for him to take his early.  Leave his stock and stuff to keep growing until he hits 67.   He can continue running the business and draw his SS early.  it's not making any money so his benefits wouldn't be reduced any further than the penalty for taking it early.  

The house sells we put the money into a savings account as a nest egg.   He was planning on leaving it to the kids but we can worry about that later and if it doesn't work out I am 100% okay with that.  I think grandma would want to help him right now if she could.  In a round about way selling the house accomplishes that.

[giramomma]

Drama, what's the health insurance situation like?

Your mom was older, she was on medicare?

My dad was in the hospital for three weeks and hospice for 1 day before he died.

My mom had 0 bills.

They were on medicare, plus Dad bought supplemental.

I was thinking about health insurance premiums for your dad...though.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 7, 2022 12:38:56 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Drama, what's the health insurance situation like?

Your mom was older, she was on medicare?

My dad was in the hospital for three weeks and hospice for 1 day before he died.

My mom had 0 bills.

They were on medicare, plus Dad bought supplemental.

I was thinking about health insurance premiums for your dad...though.

Mom was on Medicare no supplement I'm aware of.

My dad doesn't have it. That was one of the things my mom was working on.  Honestly probably makes me a bad YM-er but that's low on my priority list. My dad is like me there is absolutely nothing wrong with him physically or medically so with some homework we can probably find him a catostrophic plan for pretty cheap.

My dad has the personal stuff figured out he's done quite a bit of homework.  With just him and Phoebe it works out just fine to take my mom's widower benefit and leave his to grow until he is 67.  Apparently 4 years difference in age makes a huge difference in that early withdraw penalty.  


OMFG guys I just clicked into my email today.  THANK YOU!  I wish I knew all of your names personally because my grandmother might haunt me because I'm not sending individual thank you notes.  THANK YOU SO MUCH.  I am incredibly moved that I am going to start crying again. 

[Deleted]

OMFG guys I just clicked into my email today. THANK YOU! I wish I knew all of your names personally because my grandmother might haunt me because I'm not sending individual thank you notes. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I am incredibly moved that I am going to start crying again.

NomoreDramaQ1015 I’m pretty sure your Grandmother understands and will let you slide about the individual thank you notes. It’s hard to send thank you notes to people that live in your computer.

And tears are ok. I’m thinking it’s nice to have some happy tears mixed in with your sad tears these days.

I TOLD you we love you!   

[giramomma]

Aug 7, 2022 12:52:46 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Aug 7, 2022 12:38:56 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Drama, what's the health insurance situation like?

Your mom was older, she was on medicare?

My dad was in the hospital for three weeks and hospice for 1 day before he died.

My mom had 0 bills.

They were on medicare, plus Dad bought supplemental.

I was thinking about health insurance premiums for your dad...though.

Mom was on Medicare no supplement I'm aware of.

My dad doesn't have it. That was one of the things my mom was working on.  Honestly probably makes me a bad YM-er but that's low on my priority list. My dad is like me there is absolutely nothing wrong with him physically or medically so with some homework we can probably find him a catostrophic plan for pretty cheap.

That's good. I just also caution you, that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, until there was.

[chiver78]

let the tears flow, catharsis is important in general, and you need it now. 💗

big hugs to you and yours the next few days.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 7, 2022 14:31:35 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Aug 7, 2022 12:52:46 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Mom was on Medicare no supplement I'm aware of.

My dad doesn't have it. That was one of the things my mom was working on.  Honestly probably makes me a bad YM-er but that's low on my priority list. My dad is like me there is absolutely nothing wrong with him physically or medically so with some homework we can probably find him a catostrophic plan for pretty cheap.

That's good. I just also caution you, that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, until there was.

I know. I'll probably keep researching it myself. We Need falls of the ladder insurance there has to still be a plan like that somewhere

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The girls say thank you for the gift cards.

Abby is considering getting her ears pierced like big sissy. She'll love using that to pick out her own earrings.

Gwen is in the more is more jewelry phase all 12 year old girls go through. Now maybe she'll stop trying to make off with mine.

She's big into rings like her mother. I used to wear one on each finger. That's hard with lab work so I only wear 3 now.

[toomuchreality]

Aug 7, 2022 18:12:12 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

The girls say thank you for the gift cards.

Abby is considering getting her ears pierced like big sissy. She'll love using that to pick out her own earrings.

Gwen is in the more is more jewelry phase all 12 year old girls go through. Now maybe she'll stop trying to make off with mine.

She's big into rings like her mother. I used to wear one on each finger. That's hard with lab work so I only wear 3 now.

Hugs for all of you! ♡

[tcu2003]

I am so very sorry about your mom, drama. Thinking about you and your family, including your dad and brother. Giant hugs.

[tallguy]

Aug 7, 2022 10:44:34 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I'll prod him when he goes to sign up for widower SS to ask about taking his instead and which is a better option.  I know with my mom it was only a reduction of like $200 a month so they decided it was better to take it at 63 than have her try to find work.   Pick whichever one ends up being a larger sum.

That is not necessarily a good idea.  The good thing about survivor's benefits is that they are independent of retirement benefits.  You can choose either one now and switch later without having one affect the other.  There are DRCs (delayed retirement credits) on your own record so the maximum you can receive is at age 70.  There are no DRCs on survivor's benefits so you reach the maximum at full retirement age.  The general advice is to max out the larger benefit.  If his benefit at age 70 is going to be significantly more than the survivor's benefit, he is almost certainly better served to take the survivor's now and wait to switch to his own.  That of course depends on his health and life expectancy.  When to take SS benefits is above all a bet on how long one will live.  There is no single rule of thumb that applies to everybody, simply because everybody's situation is different. 

Be sure to get an accurate quote from SSA about what the benefit levels will be under each account.  That will be an important factor in which strategy to pursue.  I tried to do a spreadsheet-type analysis to determine which was better for me.  The analysis turned out to be flawed because I did not have the right number for the survivor's benefit.  It turned out to be significantly higher than I thought it would be, and the analysis may have turned out differently if I had the right number originally.


ETA:  Also, because the benefits are independent of each other, it makes no sense to delay taking one of them.  To wait is just giving up free money.