Y Ma'am Support for NomoreDrama

[finnime]

The choice that gives you peace is the right one, Drama.   and for your dad, too!  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 5, 2022 9:45:53 GMT -5 azucena said:

When I didn't know names, I put day, shift time, and room number.  After that, I'm sure they can figure it out, so don't spend too much effort on it.

Online wouldn't let me do it without a last name.  Stupid online forms.     

I called and they can mail me the paper copy.  I am not stepping foot back in that hospital or in Mercy to get a physical copy in person.   They said I can put her department and floor and they will be able to find her from there.  They said that's usually how it works.  She was surprised the online form wouldn't let me bypass that cause most people don't know their nurse's last name.
  

[Icelandic Woman]

I am so sorry for your loss DQ.

[azucena]

Aug 5, 2022 9:53:22 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Aug 5, 2022 9:45:53 GMT -5 azucena said:

When I didn't know names, I put day, shift time, and room number.  After that, I'm sure they can figure it out, so don't spend too much effort on it.

Online wouldn't let me do it without a last name.  Stupid online forms.     

I called and they can mail me the paper copy.  I am not stepping foot back in that hospital or in Mercy to get a physical copy in person.   They said I can put her department and floor and they will be able to find her from there.  They said that's usually how it works.  She was surprised the online form wouldn't let me bypass that cause most people don't know their nurse's last name.
  

Smith, just use smith online so you don't have to bother mailing something back.

I got an auto notice from my online medical records that my dr will be taking time off when I've scheduled my annual checkup in May 2023.  Ok, I get that.  I attempt to reschedule online....yeah, it won't go past Nov 2022.  Fantastic and eff'n efficient for both parties.  Add another dreaded phone call to my to do list.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

FIL offered to help pay for the reception.   DH wasn't sure about taking him up on it FIL encouraged him to talk to me.  I said if he wants to help let him.  He just lost his wife too so he knows what my dad is going through.   

I am not sure this is what my mom imagined but I am doing my best we never really talked a lot about her wishes.  We were starting to but I assumed we'd have more time.  

I am terrified nobody will come.  We are such a tiny family, what if nobody else shows up?  I am scared to put this on and end up making things even worse for my dad. 

On the other hand I don't see why that would be the case this is the same as if we were doing a visitation we just aren't having it at the funeral home because they want $5k to hold it there.  So I would assume people would come as they would come to a visitation.   

I plan on posting the information to my Facebook, mom's Facebook and the resturant page.  I asked dad's permission for the last one.  We have friends on there that might want to come pay their respects. 

 I will get ahold of my cousin that I talk to and she can help spread the word to the rest of them.   Her and her husband have been playing telephone for me and Bob to notify the rest of mom's remaining family.  I will personally notify everyone I have contact information for and Bob plans to as well.

[azucena]

Accept the help.

People that matter will come if they can.  Set that worry aside.  Keep the reception simple.

[Tennesseer]

I'm sorry for your loss, NomoreDramaQ1015.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 5, 2022 10:12:31 GMT -5 azucena said:

Accept the help.

People that matter will come if they can.  Set that worry aside.  Keep the reception simple.

That's the plan.  It hurts though because the two people I could have counted on to help me execute this perfectly are now gone. 

My MIL would have marched over there to my dad's house and had a whole funeral planned before she left.  She wouldn't have allowed him to take that on alone.   I'm hurting double time right now.

[TheOtherMe]

When mom died, we had to wait to have her funeral.  We ended up having the visitation on the evening of Memorial Day.  She died the previous Monday.  In between I had a mammo appointment.  Couldn't see a reason to cancel it so I went.

I was alone with the nurse who gave me the gown to change in to.  She asked if I had big plans for Memorial Day.  I said yes I was going to bury my mother and burst in to tears.  She held me and let me cry.  I never knew her name.

I sent a letter to the department with the date and time of my appointment.  I could describe her.  Still can, so I did that, too.  I hope someone told her how much that helped.  

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 5, 2022 10:10:21 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

FIL offered to help pay for the reception.   DH wasn't sure about taking him up on it FIL encouraged him to talk to me.  I said if he wants to help let him.  He just lost his wife too so he knows what my dad is going through.   

I am not sure this is what my mom imagined but I am doing my best we never really talked a lot about her wishes.  We were starting to but I assumed we'd have more time.  

I am terrified nobody will come.  We are such a tiny family, what if nobody else shows up?  I am scared to put this on and end up making things even worse for my dad. 

On the other hand I don't see why that would be the case this is the same as if we were doing a visitation we just aren't having it at the funeral home because they want $5k to hold it there.  So I would assume people would come as they would come to a visitation.   

I plan on posting the information to my Facebook, mom's Facebook and the resturant page.  I asked dad's permission for the last one.  We have friends on there that might want to come pay their respects. 

 I will get ahold of my cousin that I talk to and she can help spread the word to the rest of them.   Her and her husband have been playing telephone for me and Bob to notify the rest of mom's remaining family.  I will personally notify everyone I have contact information for and Bob plans to as well.

Where did your mom graduate from HS?  When my mom died, there was a nice group of people at the service who graduated from HS with her.  They may not have communicated, but if she lives in a different town from where she currently lives, putting an obit in her hometown paper may be important.

I was surprised to see so many of her classmates show up…..she had just gone to her 40th HS reunion. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 5, 2022 12:06:57 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Aug 5, 2022 10:10:21 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

FIL offered to help pay for the reception.   DH wasn't sure about taking him up on it FIL encouraged him to talk to me.  I said if he wants to help let him.  He just lost his wife too so he knows what my dad is going through.   

I am not sure this is what my mom imagined but I am doing my best we never really talked a lot about her wishes.  We were starting to but I assumed we'd have more time.  

I am terrified nobody will come.  We are such a tiny family, what if nobody else shows up?  I am scared to put this on and end up making things even worse for my dad. 

On the other hand I don't see why that would be the case this is the same as if we were doing a visitation we just aren't having it at the funeral home because they want $5k to hold it there.  So I would assume people would come as they would come to a visitation.   

I plan on posting the information to my Facebook, mom's Facebook and the resturant page.  I asked dad's permission for the last one.  We have friends on there that might want to come pay their respects. 

 I will get ahold of my cousin that I talk to and she can help spread the word to the rest of them.   Her and her husband have been playing telephone for me and Bob to notify the rest of mom's remaining family.  I will personally notify everyone I have contact information for and Bob plans to as well.

Where did your mom graduate from HS?  When my mom died, there was a nice group of people at the service who graduated from HS with her.  They may not have communicated, but if she lives in a different town from where she currently lives, putting an obit in her hometown paper may be important.

I was surprised to see so many of her classmates show up…..she had just gone to her 40th HS reunion. 

My mom went to HS here. I got ahold of her HS best friend on Facebook.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Getting things organized for mom's memorial on Wednesday.

Feel double whammied because I started thinking about MIL again.

DH is completely clueless on this stuff. His mom always handled it all.

She had a four page hand written manifesto for her own funeral waiting for us on the table.

SIL and I got it handled. The church ladies will do most of the set up.

SIL and her husband will help us take down and one of mom's old coworkers has volunteered to help as well.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 5, 2022 12:53:44 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Aug 5, 2022 12:06:57 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Where did your mom graduate from HS?  When my mom died, there was a nice group of people at the service who graduated from HS with her.  They may not have communicated, but if she lives in a different town from where she currently lives, putting an obit in her hometown paper may be important.

I was surprised to see so many of her classmates show up…..she had just gone to her 40th HS reunion. 

My mom went to HS here. I got ahold of her HS best friend on Facebook.

That, an an obit in the local paper should help.  You’ve got this.

I am glad your SIL is helping you out.  

[finnime]

You're doing great, NomoreDramaQ1015. It's a huge undertaking and you are deep in grief, yet you're getting it all done. Now, book a massage or something else just for you.

I just remembered, after my mom died I ran into my uncle's GF. She told me that every year on her birthday she bought herself something from (in honor of) her mother. I've done that myself ever since. It's usually something lovely and maybe a bit pricey for what it is, like a piece of pottery or a vase. I could ordinarily argue to myself that it may be just what I want but vases are cheap in FB marketplace or at Amazon. For my birthday, though, that thinking just flees. Pamper yourself, a little.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2022 9:20:59 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Aug 5, 2022 9:01:30 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Hugs Drama.  I left the hospice about an hour before Dad died.  In hindsight I think the nurse was trying obliquely to warn me with a comment that his breathing had changed, but we were all really attached to the idea that he was going to last another day.

My dad was an incredible person who lived a full life on his own terms.  We had warning with his major cognitive decline a year or so beforehand. I don’t really have significant regrets about very much.  I still avoid talking about it because I will ugly cry if I think about it much.  

It really is a seismic shift.

I had already held my vigil it was time to go home.  I hadn't slept all night.  I hadn't eaten anything since 7 pm and I barely drank anything.   I was on the verge of collapse.  Dad told me to call DH or he would it was time for me to go home.  The nurses said the same thing.

The nurses took good care of me overall.  They dimmed the lights, brought me warm blankets and they would talk with me if I wandered into the room or down the hall way.  I think that cemented though that I made the right choice not going into medicine there is no way I could handle seeing things like this day after day.  I get why suicide rates are so high in medicine.

I wondered about cardiologists specifically because around 4 am another patient on the floor coded.  Dad said there were two other ones earlier in the week.   That has to eat away at you after awhile.   While I don't always agree with their bedside manner and some can personally be assholes I do admire the will power and strength needed to keep doing that day after day,

I couldn’t do it either. When my Grandmother passed, the nurse on duty was fairly new to nursing. She was so upset, she was crying too. We ended up embracing and trying to console her too while we all were crying.

I know it was probably considered unprofessional for her to react that way, but it was a comfort to me, knowing that she was the last person that took care of my Grandmother. I know the nurse had to eventually learn to detach somewhat, to be able to do her job and protect her own mental health, and maybe it’s selfish of me, but it mattered to me that she cared that my Grandmother passed.

[TheOtherMe]

The same for hospice nurses.  I don't know how they do it.  Mom hung on much longer than they expected.  A nurse was with us for 16 hours on the Sunday before mom died on Monday evening.  As her regular hospice nurse said, until the heart stops, you have not died.  

We were told on both Saturday and Sunday it would be an hour and she hung on that long.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2022 10:10:21 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

FIL offered to help pay for the reception.   DH wasn't sure about taking him up on it FIL encouraged him to talk to me.  I said if he wants to help let him.  He just lost his wife too so he knows what my dad is going through.   

I am not sure this is what my mom imagined but I am doing my best we never really talked a lot about her wishes.  We were starting to but I assumed we'd have more time.  

I am terrified nobody will come.  We are such a tiny family, what if nobody else shows up?  I am scared to put this on and end up making things even worse for my dad. 

On the other hand I don't see why that would be the case this is the same as if we were doing a visitation we just aren't having it at the funeral home because they want $5k to hold it there.  So I would assume people would come as they would come to a visitation.   

I plan on posting the information to my Facebook, mom's Facebook and the resturant page.  I asked dad's permission for the last one.  We have friends on there that might want to come pay their respects. 

 I will get ahold of my cousin that I talk to and she can help spread the word to the rest of them.   Her and her husband have been playing telephone for me and Bob to notify the rest of mom's remaining family.  I will personally notify everyone I have contact information for and Bob plans to as well.

That is such a kind offer from your FIL. I’m sure he’s still grieving his own loss, it’s understandable that he wants to do something to help your family deal with your loss. He sounds like a good man.

Just keep doing whatever you feel is best. 

I am glad you are still posting, maybe it’s helping you to write things out here. I hope so. 

I know it’s not the same as being surrounded by people that love you IRL, but I want to tell you again that we love you and we’re here for you. I also know you’ve said you don’t believe in God, but I hope you don’t mind me praying for you and your family anyway.

[TheOtherMe]

Drama, I don't know what your plans are but my dad's obituary was not published in any newspaper due to cost.  It was on the funeral home website, which locals read daily, and we posted it on FB.  

It was just before Christmas as we wanted to have everything over by Christmas.  Some people sent regrets that they were leaving town to spend Christmas with family.  I was surprised at how many people did show up who were not family, especially at that time of year.

For mom, we did spend a fortune publishing the obit.  That did let some out of town people know who came.  

For dad, with it being Christmas, we opened up all of the cards people sent him and sent them a note that he was deceased if they were not family who already knew.  Some lovely notes arrived after that.

[empress of self-improvement]

I had DH's obit in the Boston Globe and his hometown paper. That and his cremation were it. He didn't want a service and would probably have bitched about the obits if he was here.

[toomuchreality]

Aug 5, 2022 9:18:24 GMT -5 gracendignity said:

I would like to contribute to the suppport for Drama and her family, too.  Please let me know how to do this and I'll get right on it.

Drama, I am so very sorry for your loss.  We are never ready to lose our parents!  I was 57 when my mom passed away and I still miss sharing my life with her.  Be kind to yourself and don't allow yourself to think you coulda/shoulda/woulda done things differently.  You did the very best you could with the information you had at the time and that is all anyone can do in those circumstances.  My own family is dealing with an unexpected death right now so I feel for you in a special kind of way.  Just remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace.

I rarely post but I've been a reader of these boards for years and all of you are my "close, personal" internet friends.  And that's not a bit creepy, right?  

I'm sorry for your loss, as well. And whatever you and your family/loved ones are going through. Hugs ♡

Nice to meet you! 🙂

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

finnime, please count me in to help. I know I don’t post a lot but I do read a lot. I feel like I know you guys like family.

Drama, I’m sorry for your loss and thinking about you and your family. Your mom sounds like she was an amazing lady and she must have been to raise such an amazing daughter!

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2022 17:18:35 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

I had DH's obit in the Boston Globe and his hometown paper. That and his cremation were it. He didn't want a service and would probably have bitched about the obits if he was here.

I put DH's obit in the Kansas City Star.  He'd majored in English in college (before he dropped out due to lack of funds) and had made a living by writing, mostly in business-to-business advertising, so it was important to him.  We got the paper for years till it became too expensive, had little of interest in it and was delivered only 50% of the time.  

Dayum.  It was something like $450 for 200 words.  Glad I didn't add a picture.

When Mom died, Dad paid for only the brief details in the local paper with a link to the longer funeral home obituary.  I learned to be frugal at home.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I looked into the obit. $150 and I hadn't even started typing yet. SIL said MILS ended up being $300.

We seem to be getting the word out good with just Facebook and recruiting people to spread it.

I still need to post it on the restaurant page. I wanted to make sure I had permission first.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 6, 2022 8:48:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I looked into the obit. $150 and I hadn't even started typing yet. SIL said MILS ended up being $300.

We seem to be getting the word out good with just Facebook and recruiting people to spread it.

I still need to post it on the restaurant page. I wanted to make sure I had permission first.

Here is a copy of my dad’s obit.  This was a collective contribution between me and my siblings.  The tongue in cheek tone was something dad would have appreciated and enjoyed.  I have no idea as to the cost.

obituaries.pressrepublican.com/obituary/paul-steffen-733859822

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't feel good. I think it's stress on top of barely eating or drinking anything.

I try but I get queasy as soon as I get the food down. It hasn't come back up which is good.

If I caught something at the hospital that's a nice final fuck you.

I've been having panic attacks at random as my brain begins to try to process and store everything I've been through in the past several days.

DH is getting good at helping me. He escorts me outside and we walk around the block till I calm down.

I'm still taking Zquil at night to keep me asleep. I'll have to stop Sunday because I need to make sure I'm up for work.

Decided I'm going back on Monday. I can't sit in the house anymore with my thoughts.

I'll take it slow and if I bash Peacock 2 face in with one of my food processor bowls I'm not sure a lot of people will try to stop me.

I know of three who might actually cheer.

Life has to go on even though I can't wrap my head around it.

I had a nice talk yesterday with FIL about my mom and MIL. He talked about missing her and I shares my worries about my dad.

It helped. I hope I helped him too.

[finnime]

Going back to work is good if and only if you leave yourself an out, such as leaving early or stepping away for a half hour if you need to. Knowing you can step out will help.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 6, 2022 10:11:24 GMT -5 finnime said:

Going back to work is good if and only if you leave yourself an out, such as leaving early or stepping away for a half hour if you need to. Knowing you can step out will help.

I can. They've been really good about being supportive I just keep pushing past it because of a whacked out need to not show weakness.

There are plenty of places I can hide for awhile if need be.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I think going back to work might be best for your mental health.  You need to figure out a way to distract your brain for several hours and this can work.  It sounds like you’ve got what needs to be done under control right now.  

[Bonny]

Aug 6, 2022 9:18:28 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Aug 6, 2022 8:48:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I looked into the obit. $150 and I hadn't even started typing yet. SIL said MILS ended up being $300.

We seem to be getting the word out good with just Facebook and recruiting people to spread it.

I still need to post it on the restaurant page. I wanted to make sure I had permission first.

Here is a copy of my dad’s obit.  This was a collective contribution between me and my siblings.  The tongue in cheek tone was something dad would have appreciated and enjoyed.  I have no idea as to the cost.

obituaries.pressrepublican.com/obituary/paul-steffen-733859822

Adorable Obit Mich! Your father must have been a great guy.

I was taken aback by the cost of my Dad's obit. It was over $1,100. My brother complained but I thought it was important and since I was the Trustee and sole beneficiary I thought it was worthwhile. Dad died in Oct 2020 so with Covid restricting so much there wasn't a good way to mark the occaision. My friends posted some really sweet tributes.

[Bonny]

Aug 6, 2022 11:03:43 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I think going back to work might be best for your mental health.  You need to figure out a way to distract your brain for several hours and this can work.  It sounds like you’ve got what needs to be done under control right now.  

It worked for me. Although I wasn't officially working, dealing with the mess I "inherited" kept me moving forward.