what are you doing right now?

[finnime]

@pinkcshmere, Romans 7:19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

[finnime]

I am also glad you will be seeking help. It's too easy to flail away at impossible situations, not seeing any other way to go, without an external pair of eyes to point out a few alternatives.

You are a good person struggling to live a good life, supporting other people at every turn. Maybe some things need to change for you to find satisfaction in your life. It could be almost anything.

[Deleted]

In other news, there is rodent SHIT all over the deck. Even on the table and seating. So disgusting.

Just another reason to throw the tomato plants away, since rodents (I assume squirrels) have been feasting on what apparently seems like a buffet. Eat all my tomatoes AND shit all over my deck, the fuck?! Have I said yet that I’ve come to hate squirrels?

Mister had said him and Kiddo would dispose of the plants this weekend, but that hasn’t happened. A few minutes ago, I told Kiddo to put his shoes on, I needed him to help me do something outside (throw the tomato plants away) but he was whining so much about it being hot, I said forget it, and only threw one away. Mister can deal with the rest of them, like he promised to do.

[taz157]

Finished getting caught up on side jobs since was out on vacation then Covid me.  Fortunately, I had a very mild case, but wasn't able to work on anything this week.  Granted, I'll have items to do later this week once people get back to me with the outstanding info, priority list, or reports that match other reports!  

I hear DD2 making noise so I think nap time is getting close to ending.  I also need to touch base with DH on dinner - he making or me. 

Also, I need to gather my stuff since I'm back in the office this week. Yeah!

[Deleted]

We went to see Where the Crawdads Sing and it was surprisingly dark in tone. DH read the book but what he told me was nothing like the movie with the domestic violence and rape. Although the cinematography and acting were 1st rate, I would have passed if I'd known about the violence.

[azucena]

Pink - you're describing depression. Come join us in the WIR thread for support. Help is key. Getting outside in the sun and fresh air, getting the right amount of sleep. Putting off things to focus on you. I'm beyond sorry that you're so down. A number of us here unfortunately understand all too well.

[Deleted]

Aug 7, 2022 16:15:44 GMT -5 finnime said:

I am also glad you will be seeking help. It's too easy to flail away at impossible situations, not seeing any other way to go, without an external pair of eyes to point out a few alternatives.

You are a good person struggling to live a good life, supporting other people at every turn. Maybe some things need to change for you to find satisfaction in your life. It could be almost anything.

Thank you for providing the scripture I was referring to, I had no idea where in the Bible it was. I will go read it in context.

I don’t think I necessarily do things that could be considered “evil”, but I do know that my life does not align in some ways with my values and in many ways with what I’d like my life to look like. And a lot of what “I’d like my life to look like” is within my control. I know what I need to do, but for whatever reason, I don’t.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

[NastyWoman]

All who have little girls in their lives, I have a problem I hope you can help me with. I need to get a birthday present for a very, very girly girl about to turn 8yo.  I am just drawing a total blank. My life is filled with little boys so getting a present for her twin brother was easy, but for B.? Not a clue. Please throw some ideas at me in the $25 range. No Barbie stuff though as she could open her own store with the ones she already has. 

[Opti]

Aug 7, 2022 16:30:23 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

We went to see Where the Crawdads Sing and it was surprisingly dark in tone. DH read the book but what he told me was nothing like the movie with the domestic violence and rape. Although the cinematography and acting were 1st rate, I would have passed if I'd known about the violence.

Maybe he forgot about the violence and attempted rape? It's in the synopsis I just read about the book. The promos looked dark to me.


en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Where_the_Crawdads_Sing

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My girls are both really big into bead kits. I'd have to get the link when I get home I bought Gwen one off Amazon that's clay pooka type beads. She spends hours using it.

[laterbloomer]

@pinkcshmere that was Paul talking to one of the churches about the idea that he is far from perfect but was saved anyway.

[Deleted]

Aug 7, 2022 16:36:01 GMT -5 azucena said:

Pink - you're describing depression. Come join us in the WIR thread for support. Help is key. Getting outside in the sun and fresh air, getting the right amount of sleep. Putting off things to focus on you. I'm beyond sorry that you're so down. A number of us here unfortunately understand all too well.

Finnime’s post started the waterworks and now I’m hiding from Mister again lol.

I love being outside, so I think I probably get enough sun and fresh air.

 …the right amount of sleep. I haven’t had that in years, literally. And it’s gotten even worse lately. I can’t imagine that sleep deprivation and always feeling tired, if not exhausted, is good for a person’s mental or physical health. Actually, my last PCP told me it’s not. So when my insomnia got worse, I did the sleep studies at the end of 2020 and another one at the beginning of 2021. I didn’t learn anything that helped, from either one. The only thing I learned was that technically I don’t have sleep apnea, even though what Mister describes when I do sleep, are classic symptoms of sleep apnea.

So earlier this year I followed my new PCP’s recommendation to work with a behavioral specialist to address my sleep issues. What I learned from her helps a little sometimes, but mostly not. She said there isn’t much to do about the fact that I wake up so often during the night, because it’s learned behavior that has gone on for many years, the best I can hope for is to be able to go back to sleep after I wake up. That is hit or miss, and usually miss, even with the tools she gave me to try.

Besides my insomnia issues, there’s the issue that my hands are subject to keep going numb or be painful, along with my wrists and arms, when I’m trying to sleep. So that doesn’t help any. I have a prescription for a medicine to help with that at night, and it usually works so I don’t get the pain or numbness during the night. BUT even though it doesn’t help me sleep any better, besides my hands, wrists and arms not bothering me through the night, it makes it very hard for me to get up on time when I have to go to work. I could accept that better if it meant I got better sleep, but nope. I’ve taken it as early as 6pm, even though you are supposed to take it at bedtime, and I still struggle getting up on time in the morning.

So I get to choose between my hands, wrists and arms keeping me awake in addition to my regular insomnia BS, or take the medicine and at least not have those issues, still not sleep very well because of my insomnia issues, and then still  struggle (and often fail) on getting up on time to go to work.

I lose one way or another either way, and it is the reason I suck with my attendance at my job. That is another thing that makes me feel crazy. I do NOT like missing work, or even being late. For over 20 years I was late to work maybe 5 times, even though I only remember 1 time, I’m saying 5 because I don’t want to lie if I’ve forgotten a couple of times. Now I’m late a lot. I want to fix it, because it’s honestly embarrassing to me, I just don’t know how.

[Deleted]

Aug 7, 2022 17:00:02 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

@pinkcshmere that was Paul talking to one of the churches about the idea that he is far from perfect but was saved anyway.

Well, I REALLY need to read it in context then, because I’m so far from being perfect that it’s not funny! Sometimes I feel like I’m saved anyway, and sometimes I feel like I’m not, because of the things I do.

I don’t want to turn this into an uncomfortable (or inappropriate) conversation for the other posters, so Imma leave it alone.

But thank you for the clarity.

[NoNamePerson]

Aug 7, 2022 15:57:45 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I am sitting on the deck. Music is playing and Mister is grilling chicken thighs. Yuck! I don’t like chicken thighs.

I have resigned myself to reaching out for help, because I am really struggling to try to be ok. And still, I am not even close to okay. There is a scripture somewhere in the Bible, I don’t who is speaking or the context, but it says something like I do not do the things I want to do, and the things I do, I do not want to do. Something like that.

And I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Because I have a clear vision of what I’d like my every day life to be like, and those things are doable without making major changes in my life, like quitting my job or whatever. 

I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me, but lately I’ve been feeling like a failure, I’m not doing anything well. At the rate I’m going, if I don’t figure things out, I’m going to lose everything I have, including my job. Maybe even Mister, because I’m not being a good partner to him either.

I haven’t had much sleep for almost a week now. And my stomach is acting up every day now. I’m almost positive that my tummy issues are due to stress.

It’s become clear that I can’t fix my shit by myself, so I am going to seek help.

My Mom text me this morning asking me to please help her. I called her and asked what was wrong and she went on and on about the pain she’s in. She wants me to take her to the doctor. I told her it would have to be on one of my days off work because I can’t take any more time off work.

After we got off the phone I texted her a link to affordable medical transportation service in our area and told her to call those places, because I’m not in a place where I have much to give anyone else, I’m struggling too much with my own shit. And most of “my shit” is due to taking on other people’s shit and trying to be everything to everybody except me. I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way and I just can’t be that person anymore.

Miss FixIt (me) can’t fix her own shit these days, let alone somebody else’s shit.

[taz157]

Aug 7, 2022 16:44:19 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

All who have little girls in their lives, I have a problem I hope you can help me with. I need to get a birthday present for a very, very girly girl about to turn 8yo.  I am just drawing a total blank. My life is filled with little boys so getting a present for her twin brother was easy, but for B.? Not a clue. Please throw some ideas at me in the $25 range. No Barbie stuff though as she could open her own store with the ones she already has. 

DD1 enjoyed craft kits at that age and she still does (she’s 11 now).

[finnime]

Constant disrupted and poor quality sleep can definitely lead to depression, as well as being symptomatic of it. I know this because of a life-long battle with depression. I wish for you restful sleep that replenishes you entirely.

My oldest DB worked nights for many years and never really adapted to it. He was chronically exhausted and yes, he also fought depression and still does although he's retired now.

Maybe the person you seek out for help can also work with you on addressing the sleep problems, or maybe your PCP can? I understand it is complicated and the obvious answers are not working.

[Opti]

Pink, I read an article recently that scientists had discovered we do more negative thinking at night if we are awake. If I find the article, I will post a snippet and the link.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Pink it's called burn out. I'm reading a book about it right now. Everything you described is in the book.

I will admit I'm not totally cooperating with it but it did give me validation over how when I'm anxious I'd disappear to reorganize the mouse room for two hours.

I told DH and if I have a panic attack coming on he takes me around the block a few times.

[giramomma]

DS is off playing ultimate this weekend at a big tournament.

This is (somewhat edited) text exchange:

DS: The other team did not show good sportsmanship.

DS: They were talking about how certain players on our team were bad, questioning how they made the team.

DS: Then I scored and spiked the frisbee (who knew a frisbee could be spiked?)

DS: And said "That's how I made the team motherf*cker."

Me: That's my boy!

Side not for non-ultimate frisbee folks, trash talk like that generally never happens. So, it was a big deal to hear it.

I am also pleased to know that my normally laid back kid actually does have some moxie in him.

[countrygirl2]

I am down to mopping our bedroom and bathroom, I haven't decided if I'm going to finish or not tonight. I even did some dusting in DD's room and cleaned the litter boxes. And, I'm washing my throw rugs, there are 4 I wash. I vacced and shook off the nonwashable ones, so that is done.

When I go downstairs to get another box of files to go through, going to take some blankets down. I also need to make up the bed down there. Maybe one day will vac and mop down there again. And I still haven't finished my orange shorts. I'm becoming very good at procrastination.

And kitty is curled up beside me again. My little buddy, Smokey.

[weltschmerz]

Aug 7, 2022 16:09:43 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

welts did you get a window AC? I would have one at least in the bedroom. That is pretty darn hot to be without one.

I don't want to get a big bulky window unit, taking up valuable real estate and blocking out the sun for my plants.
Where am I going to put it in the winter?   I only have 4 rooms, and all my storage areas are packed full.
Maybe I'll get a portable one.

[NoNamePerson]

Aug 7, 2022 18:03:03 GMT -5 giramomma said:

DS is off playing ultimate this weekend at a big tournament.

This is (somewhat edited) text exchange:

DS: The other team did not show good sportsmanship.

DS: They were talking about how certain players on our team were bad, questioning how they made the team.

DS: Then I scored and spiked the frisbee (who knew a frisbee could be spiked?)

DS: And said "That's how I made the team motherf*cker."

Me: That's my boy!

Side not for non-ultimate frisbee folks, trash talk like that generally never happens. So, it was a big deal to hear it.

I am also pleased to know that my normally laid back kid actually does have some moxie in him.

I tuned in the other day and watched a little of Ultimate disc on one of the sports channels. I had no idea there was a League. But my son plays Disc Golf so all things disc now grab my attention. He sent a text Thursday of him standing in front of "cage/hole" holding disc and proudly announced "My first ace"   Good for your son for showing some moxie! 

[countrygirl2]

You can get pretty small ones now that put out more air. They used to be huge. And they just have sliders at the sides so you can put them in from the inside.

The portables are nice too, I bought one for son and DD but it wasn't big enough for their upstairs, so they had one of those deals put in the wall for cooling and heating. Can't remember what they are called but use them in Asia a lot.

[weltschmerz]

Aug 7, 2022 18:22:36 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

You can get pretty small ones now that put out more air. They used to be huge. And they just have sliders at the sides so you can put them in from the inside.

The portables are nice too, I bought one for son and DD but it wasn't big enough for their upstairs, so they had one of those deals put in the wall for cooling and heating. Can't remember what they are called but use them in Asia a lot.

I have a massive window in my living room, which opens vertically.    Even if I get a small one, the space around/above it needs to be covered with wood or cardboard or metal. Again, my plants will lose a lot of sun that way.  I have a LOT of plants.

I just ordered a mini personal cooling unit from Amazon.
I thik this is the second time I've used Amazon.  They forced me onto Amazon Prime, so I'll have to cancel. They'll probably make it difficult.

[Deleted]

Aug 7, 2022 16:53:12 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

My girls are both really big into bead kits. I'd have to get the link when I get home I bought Gwen one off Amazon that's clay pooka type beads. She spends hours using it.

I like the idea of creative things.  My granddaughters (ages 5 and 8) will go crazy with just a new set of paints (washable) and a pad of good, thick paper, or a fancy coloring book (not the traditional kind but the ones with more elaborate designs- unicorns and fairies are big).  I need to try them on bead sets when their 3-year old brother is a little older.  I don't THINK he would eat and choke on them but when I gave them all candy bracelets he found out in record time that his was edible.

I've had a crazy day but I wrapped up a lot of the things on my pre-trip To Do list.  My flight from DFW to London tomorrow is on BA and I couldn't select a seat even though I logged in with my BA ID and the BA Record Number.  It said I could, led me though all the steps and then gave me an error message and told me to call.  Twice.   I doubt Ill get a window seat- only a few left.  Well, if that's the worst thing that happens on this trip I'll just have to suck it up and deal with it.

[stillmovingforward]

Aug 7, 2022 16:44:19 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

All who have little girls in their lives, I have a problem I hope you can help me with. I need to get a birthday present for a very, very girly girl about to turn 8yo.  I am just drawing a total blank. My life is filled with little boys so getting a present for her twin brother was easy, but for B.? Not a clue. Please throw some ideas at me in the $25 range. No Barbie stuff though as she could open her own store with the ones she already has. 

I hate barbie.
I an going to second the bead kit or a string bracelet kit. My kids loved those! They also loved getting a box filled with pads of paper, new crayons or pens, multi colored gel pens (the ones that change color while you write), etc.

[lurkyloo]

Hugs Pink.  

[Artemis Windsong]

Aug 7, 2022 17:13:17 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Aug 7, 2022 16:36:01 GMT -5 azucena said:

Pink - you're describing depression. Come join us in the WIR thread for support. Help is key. Getting outside in the sun and fresh air, getting the right amount of sleep. Putting off things to focus on you. I'm beyond sorry that you're so down. A number of us here unfortunately understand all too well.

Finnime’s post started the waterworks and now I’m hiding from Mister again lol.

I love being outside, so I think I probably get enough sun and fresh air.

 …the right amount of sleep. I haven’t had that in years, literally. And it’s gotten even worse lately. I can’t imagine that sleep deprivation and always feeling tired, if not exhausted, is good for a person’s mental or physical health. Actually, my last PCP told me it’s not. So when my insomnia got worse, I did the sleep studies at the end of 2020 and another one at the beginning of 2021. I didn’t learn anything that helped, from either one. The only thing I learned was that technically I don’t have sleep apnea, even though what Mister describes when I do sleep, are classic symptoms of sleep apnea.

So earlier this year I followed my new PCP’s recommendation to work with a behavioral specialist to address my sleep issues. What I learned from her helps a little sometimes, but mostly not. She said there isn’t much to do about the fact that I wake up so often during the night, because it’s learned behavior that has gone on for many years, the best I can hope for is to be able to go back to sleep after I wake up. That is hit or miss, and usually miss, even with the tools she gave me to try.

Besides my insomnia issues, there’s the issue that my hands are subject to keep going numb or be painful, along with my wrists and arms, when I’m trying to sleep. So that doesn’t help any. I have a prescription for a medicine to help with that at night, and it usually works so I don’t get the pain or numbness during the night. BUT even though it doesn’t help me sleep any better, besides my hands, wrists and arms not bothering me through the night, it makes it very hard for me to get up on time when I have to go to work. I could accept that better if it meant I got better sleep, but nope. I’ve taken it as early as 6pm, even though you are supposed to take it at bedtime, and I still struggle getting up on time in the morning.

So I get to choose between my hands, wrists and arms keeping me awake in addition to my regular insomnia BS, or take the medicine and at least not have those issues, still not sleep very well because of my insomnia issues, and then still  struggle (and often fail) on getting up on time to go to work.

I lose one way or another either way, and it is the reason I suck with my attendance at my job. That is another thing that makes me feel crazy. I do NOT like missing work, or even being late. For over 20 years I was late to work maybe 5 times, even though I only remember 1 time, I’m saying 5 because I don’t want to lie if I’ve forgotten a couple of times. Now I’m late a lot. I want to fix it, because it’s honestly embarrassing to me, I just don’t know how.

A couple of ideas that don't require meds.  Have you tried putting your arms and hands on a pillow?  Is there such a thing a DVT socks for the hands and forearms?  To keep the circulation going.

I use a small fan for ambient noise.  It helps block the small outside noises.

For anxious night thoughts I cancel them with a flower.  A pretty flower.  I check out all of it like a meditation.

I hope this helps.  I know how miserable chronic insomnia is.

Is your work situation amenable  to adjust your hours so you can go in later?

Best wishes for who you get help from.

[NastyWoman]

Thanks all. I found a nice beading set to make Beaded flower crowns and bracelets on Amazon. What can I say? The "Princess is strong in this one"   so I am sure she will like it .

[stillmovingforward]

Aug 7, 2022 19:21:27 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Thanks all. I found a nice beading set to make Beaded flower crowns and bracelets on Amazon. What can I say? The "Princess is strong in this one"   so I am sure she will like it .

I had one of those daughters. I bought her a shirt that said 'self-rescuing princess' on it. It was bad-ass.

Thanks for that memory!