what are you doing right now?

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I got a few presents wrapped this morning while my sister was out.  I’m waiting for a couple orders still to come in to put together the others.  

I made eggs Bennie this morning, and my sister decided to brave Costco.  I think she’s nuts, but she does need to pick up a prescription.  

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Dec 14, 2024 21:35:13 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I had more adult beverages than I should have last night, and woke Mister up after he’d gone to bed, acting a complete fool. So no more adult beverages for me for a while. Not for him, but for me. I had already decided to try to stop being so angry. Again, not for him, but for me, since I’m sure my blood pressure and heart rate both skyrocket when I’m so mad. 

We have agreed that our relationship is over. He makes it a point to say that I don’t have a deadline to move, and remind me that he hasn’t even said anything about me moving period, it’s me talking about that. I don’t even get into or ask him how it would make sense for me to NOT move.

I have a lot of feelings about this. Which I do recognize has very little value. 😆

1. I’m glad you said what you needed to say even if you had to intoxicate yourself to do it.
2. I wanna kick Mister for letting you go and not working through this.
3. I’m glad he’s not asking you to move out asap. It does speak to who he really is even if you two being in a domestic partnership doesn’t work.
4. You are a highly functional adult and will get through this—even though the next few months won’t be fun.
5. I’m so very very sorry you’re hurting and having to go through this.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Dec 15, 2024 13:10:29 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Dec 15, 2024 11:59:26 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I'm getting ready to run to get beer before the game starts. Hoping the taco truck is there and open.

Taco truck was not there. ☹️

Jerks.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Except for three large glass baubles that I cannot figure out how to hang and 20 plastic candy canes I need to stick in the ground, the Christmas decorations—indoor and outdoor—are up. We have agreed that we need to start the yard prior to Thanksgiving next year. It’s just such a lot of hours, and I don’t like helping when it’s raining. 😬🫠
FB has reminded me that we’ve had a few years we’ve not finished up until this late in the month, so that made me feel a bit better.

DS#2 and his GF dropped by for their normal Sunday visit.

I have more chores to do this afternoon.
I need to get presents wrapped too.

[cooper88]

I decided to work in the back yard a little today, which I have not done since the flood. To my horror, I realized I hadn't picked up dog poop since then (October 20th). I also found the pooper scooper crushed and made do with a shovel and rake. It's a good thing she's a little dog and it's a big yard, though. It's all cleaned up now and an Amazon order has been placed. I'll just be so happy when we can go back to our normal routines, but we make progress every day.

[giramomma]

I'm so tired. I've got our lunch
casserole ready to go. Dh is grabbing some pizza. I still have to bathe the missy, get work done and order more presents. 

I should have done more baking and I just cant. That and we are out of space in the kitchen.

[soupandstew]

I finished my last work on the autobiography today; tomorrow I'll order a couple of thumb drives from Amazon and contact my computer guy to put the last version on them.  Author called again today, no memory of last week's call, this will not end well but it must end soon.  

Tomorrow is haircuts.

Summer day here so great Latin rhythms blasting next door which I love.  

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Dec 15, 2024 16:36:42 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Dec 15, 2024 13:10:29 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Taco truck was not there. ☹️

Jerks.

Our favorite barbecue truck went AWOL.  We were not happy.  

[flamingo]

Pink Cashmere big hugs as you deal with this. I wish you peace and strength. You’ve shown so much grace in how you’ve dealt with things and how you talk about your situation here, and I hope that you can show yourself the same grace as you deal with this. You’re not at fault AT ALL for choosing to believe in the person you shared your life with. 

[jerseygirl]

I MIGHT ? have seen a drone last night about 8 pm. About 100’ high and had white and red lights. It was flying north up our lake and then immediately went southbound. I was looking out of French doors on second floor. Of course stars, small planes and very high bigger planes going into Newark airport .

Stewart AFB in NY closed for an hour due to drone activity. A policeman in one of the Jersey shore towns said he saw about 50 in a group. Lots of reports on news, people are annoyed at government response- it’s safe but we have no idea what these are
Piccatinny arsenals is in our county and does research on weapons. McGuire AFB is in south jersey and is known to do drone research

www.jbmdl.jb.mil/News/Article-Display/Article/2208839/joint-base-mdl-to-partner-with-aerodefense-to-strengthen-drone-deterrence/



patch.com/new-jersey/manchester-nj/amp/32016368/1-nj-military-base-says-no-drone-incursion-not-so-for-2-others

Saw a funny photo of a drone with a sign-
We been trying to reach you about your auto warranty
Maybe I’ll look tonight with binoculars?

[flamingo]

I finished wrapping the gifts I have for DH. I’m still waiting on 2 to show up, plus I have to go out someday this week to the liquor store to grab the last few stocking stuffers. I tried to go yesterday but when I pulled in the parking lot, I saw DH’s car there. Lol. So I turned around and went home. 

We’re cooking a frozen pizza for dinner tonight. Not my first choice, but I’m too tired to care and I know I’ll enjoy it. We have plans to go out to dinner tomorrow which should be fun. 

[minnesotapaintlady]

Dec 15, 2024 11:36:26 GMT -5 skeeter said:

Dec 15, 2024 11:20:10 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

No, she's not. She decided to stay inside this morning. Gus is not a happy camper.

  

I realize you have to work tomorrow, but maybe she can be seen by a Vet to find out what's going on?

If I do get the vet out, it will be to put her down. She's very old for an Alpine and it's looking more like it's some kind of issue like cancer that finally caught up with her. Had a goat breeder out today and she doesn't think it's bloat like I was guessing (and she would have probably died already if it was).  She seemed a little better tonight, and walked outside to see Gus when I was doing chores but she's still not eating and not feeling well.

[soupandstew]

Dec 15, 2024 17:57:40 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Dec 15, 2024 11:36:26 GMT -5 skeeter said:

  

I realize you have to work tomorrow, but maybe she can be seen by a Vet to find out what's going on?

If I do get the vet out, it will be to put her down. She's very old for an Alpine and it's looking more like it's some kind of issue like cancer that finally caught up with her. Had a goat breeder out today and she doesn't think it's bloat like I was guessing (and she would have probably died already if it was).  She seemed a little better tonight, and walked outside to see Gus when I was doing chores but she's still not eating and not feeling well.

That's a tough call to make and I'm sorry.  

[bookkeeper]

Dec 15, 2024 15:58:05 GMT -5 giramomma said:

It is done. The  meal was consumed in a half hour. Presents were a hit. 

I just.want to watch die.hard.with the peanut.

We watched Die Hard last night!  One of my favorite Christmas movies.

[daisylu]

Dec 15, 2024 15:51:00 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Dec 15, 2024 13:50:13 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, you obviously know your own circumstances better than a random poster on the internet. but I feel like I remember reading that Mister registered the Jeep, not you. but you liked driving it better than he did, so it became yours that way. is that the case? you'll want to check into having the title updated. if Im remembering this wrong, just ignore me. but for some reason, that's in the back of my head today.

No apology necessary ma’am.

You remember correctly. He bought the Jeep for me, because I wanted it, but it is in his name. He has agreed to sign the title over to me. 

Because I don’t trust him, and the title is in his name at this time, I will do the easy part to try to see what the code is. He’s gonna have to handle the repair. Once I have the title, I will take full responsibility for it.

In hindsight I made so many mistakes, but I try not to get too upset with myself about it, because I was acting in good faith because I was naive.

I’m not going into details, but it is in his best interests to at least be fair with me right now and he understands exactly why. 

Please excuse this posting as I am basically working off a Chromebook without a mouse. I left it at home and I am terrible at swipe pads. One should be arriving soon via DoorDash because I am lazy.

You maam are not naive. IIRC Mister convinced to get into a relationship when you were fine with the original arrangement (FWB) and he has benefitted greatly in this relationship. He would not be making 6 figures if you did not push him. He would not have a lot of things without you. You have always given him credit here for being a good guy but I think he played you. He is in a much better situation because of you and he owes you IMO. He conned you - that is on him NOT YOU. 

Just my 2 cents, worth what you paid for them. 

[Pink Cashmere]

Dec 15, 2024 16:34:51 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Dec 14, 2024 21:35:13 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I had more adult beverages than I should have last night, and woke Mister up after he’d gone to bed, acting a complete fool. So no more adult beverages for me for a while. Not for him, but for me. I had already decided to try to stop being so angry. Again, not for him, but for me, since I’m sure my blood pressure and heart rate both skyrocket when I’m so mad. 

We have agreed that our relationship is over. He makes it a point to say that I don’t have a deadline to move, and remind me that he hasn’t even said anything about me moving period, it’s me talking about that. I don’t even get into or ask him how it would make sense for me to NOT move.

I have a lot of feelings about this. Which I do recognize has very little value. 😆

1. I’m glad you said what you needed to say even if you had to intoxicate yourself to do it.
2. I wanna kick Mister for letting you go and not working through this.
3. I’m glad he’s not asking you to move out asap. It does speak to who he really is even if you two being in a domestic partnership doesn’t work.
4. You are a highly functional adult and will get through this—even though the next few months won’t be fun.
5. I’m so very very sorry you’re hurting and having to go through this.

1.I have been saying whatever I needed or just wanted to say, however it came out, for a week now lol. Friday night was really only different because I started raising hell after he went to bed and I had even less of a filter than I’ve had all week.

2.I really won’t be mad if someone anonymously kicks him on my behalf.

3.I’m not saying that he’s not trying to be decent in not asking me to move out asap or even at all. I’ll never know, because I’ve made it clear to him that if I have to jump out there and put myself in a bad financial situation to get away from him asap, I’m going to put him in the same kind of boat I’m in, and make him lose everything. Despite everything I did wrong by trusting him, that is something I can actually do, and he knows it. So I’m not inclined to believe he’s just being decent, instead of just being in self preservation mode.

4.I know I can and will get through this, but I also appreciate you reminding me that I can. 

5.Life isn’t always easy. Shit happens. Plans fall apart. i just have try to get through shit as it happens, and keep it moving, even if it’s at a snail’s pace when that’s all I have to give in a moment. But I really do appreciate the support.

[TheOtherMe]

We are here for you, Pink.  

[TheOtherMe]

NIL sent me the video of J in his play where he was the wind.  

To me, he looked totally petrified on the stage but she said he was really excited and said he had fun.  That is all that matters.  He told me he really liked when people clapped and he can't wait to do it again.  So, I think he had fun.  

He will be taking ice skating lessons starting in January.  I don't know if he will do another session of Drama or not.  He was just getting the hang of ice skating when spring arrived last year, so hopefully he gets right back in to it.  He has to have new skates because his feet have grown.  

[Pink Cashmere]

Dec 15, 2024 18:51:56 GMT -5 daisylu said:

Dec 15, 2024 15:51:00 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

No apology necessary ma’am.

You remember correctly. He bought the Jeep for me, because I wanted it, but it is in his name. He has agreed to sign the title over to me. 

Because I don’t trust him, and the title is in his name at this time, I will do the easy part to try to see what the code is. He’s gonna have to handle the repair. Once I have the title, I will take full responsibility for it.

In hindsight I made so many mistakes, but I try not to get too upset with myself about it, because I was acting in good faith because I was naive.

I’m not going into details, but it is in his best interests to at least be fair with me right now and he understands exactly why. 

Please excuse this posting as I am basically working off a Chromebook without a mouse. I left it at home and I am terrible at swipe pads. One should be arriving soon via DoorDash because I am lazy.

You maam are not naive. IIRC Mister convinced to get into a relationship when you were fine with the original arrangement (FWB) and he has benefitted greatly in this relationship. He would not be making 6 figures if you did not push him. He would not have a lot of things without you. You have always given him credit here for being a good guy but I think he played you. He is in a much better situation because of you and he owes you IMO. He conned you - that is on him NOT YOU. 

Just my 2 cents, worth what you paid for them. 

You do recall correctly. Which is just one of the reasons I’ve been in such a rage. I did not ask for any of this. It took some time for me to even wrap my mind around what he said he wanted from the time he first started saying he wanted a real relationship and as it progressed. I thought my reservations were just because I’d been good with being single for so long and was good with it, to the point that I felt like I might not even know how to act in a relationship. In hindsight, maybe that was really my gut telling me that I was making mistakes. Because I did know how to be a good partner after all, once I committed to it, even after all the years I’d been single. 

I told him about an hour ago, that he had in the palm of his hand, what many good men wish they had, but he didn’t know what to do with it. I know that even though I’m not perfect and do have flaws, I AM the prize because of who I am and what I have to offer somebody as a partner. 

The choices he has made, including his lack of courage, have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. I take responsibility for things I could’ve and should’ve done better, or just differently, but all the shit he chose to do or not do, is squarely on him, and not on me. I have called him a coward more than once this week, and I don’t feel bad about it because it’s true. I was and still am brave enough to go to counseling to try to figure out my shit and try to be the best me that I can…..  he has never been brave enough to do that and stick with it, or do any of the really hard things that required him to dig deep when it was necessary, even though he clearly has some serious issues that even I did not realize were so deep until recently.

I wish I could’ve seen him so clearly before I got myself into this mess, but I also understand why I couldn’t. 

[Opti]

Pink try to give yourself some grace. Many things popped up when his mom and dad passed, and I don't think you could have predicted that.

[soupandstew]

Pink Cashmere  hindsight is valuable only if it gives us a window into becoming our best person in the future

[Pink Cashmere]

Dec 15, 2024 18:51:56 GMT -5 daisylu said:

Dec 15, 2024 15:51:00 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

No apology necessary ma’am.

You remember correctly. He bought the Jeep for me, because I wanted it, but it is in his name. He has agreed to sign the title over to me. 

Because I don’t trust him, and the title is in his name at this time, I will do the easy part to try to see what the code is. He’s gonna have to handle the repair. Once I have the title, I will take full responsibility for it.

In hindsight I made so many mistakes, but I try not to get too upset with myself about it, because I was acting in good faith because I was naive.

I’m not going into details, but it is in his best interests to at least be fair with me right now and he understands exactly why. 

Please excuse this posting as I am basically working off a Chromebook without a mouse. I left it at home and I am terrible at swipe pads. One should be arriving soon via DoorDash because I am lazy.

You maam are not naive. IIRC Mister convinced to get into a relationship when you were fine with the original arrangement (FWB) and he has benefitted greatly in this relationship. He would not be making 6 figures if you did not push him. He would not have a lot of things without you. You have always given him credit here for being a good guy but I think he played you. He is in a much better situation because of you and he owes you IMO. He conned you - that is on him NOT YOU. 

Just my 2 cents, worth what you paid for them. 

I had typed a long post as a reply, and deleted it. 

The point was that you do recall correctly. Which is why I am so angry. I had been happily single for years when I met him. I didn’t push for a real relationship and ask for all of this shit, he was the one that insisted that he wanted it. 

I can’t say that I pushed him to go for the promotions, but I definitely encouraged and supported him every time he decided to go after them. I helped him with the paperwork involved, spent hours helping him write and editing and helping him rewrite the things he had to submit to apply, did mock interviews to try to help him prepare, requested pictures to make sure he looked right when I wasn’t there when he got dressed for interviews, sent him encouraging texts when he was on the way to the interviews, telling him “you got this”. And regardless of what other people believe in, in the background, I also always prayed for him to achieve what he was chasing. 

I DID push him to work on getting his life together and be healthier mentally and emotionally than he was when I first met him. I also helped him clean up his credit, when his bad credit didn’t even affect me. I also taught him how to manage his money better, sharing with him what I’d learned from the posters here. What he’d learned from me was why he was able to buy his Honda when the engine blew up in the Jeep Cherokee he had when he met me. It’s also why he was able to buy the house we live in, despite financial stuff from his past. 

He even use to admit how much better his life became after he met me. And probably all of that might have happened eventually, even if he never met me. But at some point during the last couple of years, he started rewriting the history and I became a gold digger or whatever. 

And this evening, even though I’m really trying to refrain from taking jabs, I reminded him of the day early in our relationship, while he was getting his money together, when he took me to breakfast. His debit card was declined when he gave it to the server to pay for our breakfast that cost less than $40. He gave her a credit card he’d just gotten. It was also declined. He was embarrassed and so was I, so I just gave the server my card to pay, so we could get the hell out of there. I did not say one word to try to shame him, because I knew he was already embarrassed. If I was a fucking gold digger, not only would I have blasted him for embarrassing ME like that, I would’ve stopped fooling with him since he couldn’t even pay for a breakfast he’d invited me too. What gold digger wouldn’t have done both?! What woman with some sense wouldn’t have done at least one, except a woman that believed in that man and was supportive of his efforts to do something better?

But now his income is so much and his crazy has come out so much, that he chooses to forget how I was there for him when he didn’t have shit but an old ass Jeep Cherokee, and had bad credit, less income than I had, and a lot of other problems, and I was there for him with everything he was willing to try to improve.

I ended up typing another post as long as the one I deleted lol. So I will hush now. 

[Pink Cashmere]

Dec 15, 2024 19:58:44 GMT -5 Opti said:

Pink try to give yourself some grace. Many things popped up when his mom and dad passed, and I don't think you could have predicted that.

I am giving myself grace. Him, not so much.

[andi9899]

Dec 15, 2024 20:53:17 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Dec 15, 2024 19:58:44 GMT -5 Opti said:

Pink try to give yourself some grace. Many things popped up when his mom and dad passed, and I don't think you could have predicted that.

I am giving myself grace. Him, not so much.

NOW can I jump out of the bushes and kick some ass?

[countrygirl3]

I wish you well Pink, I have no advice. Since I have not walked a mile in your shoes. I just wish you well and hope it all turns out well for you.

I do want to ask, does this mean you may have to move back in your house with your mother? I hope no, that does not sound like a good option unless you can move her elsewhere.


I went through rough times with my husband and would have left him many times if not for having DD and son.  My life would have been hard though, so I stayed when I wanted to leave. It has turned out ok for us, but sometimes, I wonder.

[giramomma]

Dec 15, 2024 19:50:08 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Dec 15, 2024 18:51:56 GMT -5 daisylu said:

Please excuse this posting as I am basically working off a Chromebook without a mouse. I left it at home and I am terrible at swipe pads. One should be arriving soon via DoorDash because I am lazy.

You maam are not naive. IIRC Mister convinced to get into a relationship when you were fine with the original arrangement (FWB) and he has benefitted greatly in this relationship. He would not be making 6 figures if you did not push him. He would not have a lot of things without you. You have always given him credit here for being a good guy but I think he played you. He is in a much better situation because of you and he owes you IMO. He conned you - that is on him NOT YOU. 

Just my 2 cents, worth what you paid for them. 

You do recall correctly. Which is just one of the reasons I’ve been in such a rage. I did not ask for any of this. It took some time for me to even wrap my mind around what he said he wanted from the time he first started saying he wanted a real relationship and as it progressed. I thought my reservations were just because I’d been good with being single for so long and was good with it, to the point that I felt like I might not even know how to act in a relationship. In hindsight, maybe that was really my gut telling me that I was making mistakes. Because I did know how to be a good partner after all, once I committed to it, even after all the years I’d been single. 

I told him about an hour ago, that he had in the palm of his hand, what many good men wish they had, but he didn’t know what to do with it. I know that even though I’m not perfect and do have flaws, I AM the prize because of who I am and what I have to offer somebody as a partner. 

The choices he has made, including his lack of courage, have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. I take responsibility for things I could’ve and should’ve done better, or just differently, but all the shit he chose to do or not do, is squarely on him, and not on me. I have called him a coward more than once this week, and I don’t feel bad about it because it’s true. I was and still am E enough to go to counseling to try to figure out my shit and try to be the best me that I can…..  he has never been brave enough to do that and stick with it, or do any of the really hard things that required him to dig deep when it was necessary, even though he clearly has some serious issues that even I did not realize were so deep until recently.

I wish I could’ve seen him so clearly before I got myself into this mess, but I also understand why I couldn’t. 

Once I was in the angry phase after dhs relapse, I told him the same thing that I was the prize and he was a damn fool.

All of the really shitty stuff I had to deal with in my life I never asked for. 

After i.was diagnosed, I found an Abe Lincoln quote" I walk slowly, i never walked backwards" 

I found that to be.comforting.

[weltz]

My downstairs neighbour came over to check up on me and see how I was doing after the surgery. |As soon as she saw Sushi she shrieked. The black woman went white. She's absolutely terrified of cats. Evidently, her Nigerian grandmother told her that cats eat little children. That was just to keep them indoors at night.
I kept telling her that Sushi never hurt a soul. She sat in the rocking chair and of course , Sushi was doing his figure eights alzheimers walk around the chair. She relaxed when she realized he wasn't going to eat her. She actually ended up touching him several times. She was SO proud of herself! "My husband will never believe I touched a cat!"

[Pink Cashmere]

Dec 15, 2024 21:05:36 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Dec 15, 2024 20:53:17 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I am giving myself grace. Him, not so much.

NOW can I jump out of the bushes and kick some ass?

YESSSS! 

I think you are even smaller than me, and even though you are a fighter, he is too, and he is much bigger than you,  so feel free to bring drama’s 2x4 with you to give you an advantage with your first swing at him when you pop out of the bushes on him. 

[countrygirl3]

I am rearranging cabinets. Brought the canned goods in the kitchen from the laundry pantry. I'm putting them in the tall cabinet with the pull out shelves. Moving some bigger items less used into that cabinet. I started cleaning some shelves above and some of the plastic tabs holding the shelves broke, hubs thinks they already were broke and just hanging on. He ordered metal ones and is going to replace them all tomorrow.  So I'm cleaning some of the bottom shelves. 

I am pulling containers out and finding tons of lids and no bowls. When we moved in a few months ago all those were bowls with lids!!, I have thrown none away. I am bagging up a bunch of containers with lids that I'm taking out and seeing if I even miss them for a couple of months. If not they are going. I combined 3 houses of stuff and did not get rid of enough. Some of it is good Tupperware items. I have 3 cake carriers with pie stacks in them. They came from me, mom, and MIL. DIL has what she needs so the extras just need to go.

The top shelves are really worthless, it takes a ladder to get up there. Even someone as tall as me can't reach up there, so seldom used items.

We are watching a show about Washington and Seattle, neither of us knows much about this area, so a good way to learn.

We had a real heavy rain yesterday and it mashed all my Christmas blowups, some had water in them and I had to empty them. We have all going but the Christmas tree one. Hubs is wondering if water got in the motor, it was getting dark so will leave that one until tomorrow and see if we can revive it.

Hubs took grandson home about 4. He advised us he is out for vacation about 2 1/2 weeks and he was planning on staying with us. I said do your dad and mom know about your plans, he said kind of. LOL!

I need to get him a couple pair of jams and some clothes because his mom sends jams 2 sizes too small for him.

Need to get back to work.

[Pink Cashmere]

Dec 15, 2024 21:15:16 GMT -5 countrygirl3 said:

I wish you well Pink, I have no advice. Since I have not walked a mile in your shoes. I just wish you well and hope it all turns out well for you.

I do want to ask, does this mean you may have to move back in your house with your mother? I hope no, that does not sound like a good option unless you can move her elsewhere.


I went through rough times with my husband and would have left him many times if not for having DD and son.  My life would have been hard though, so I stayed when I wanted to leave. It has turned out ok for us, but sometimes, I wonder.

I have so many negative emotions that are tied to that house now, that even if I could force myself to live in it again, I most definitely couldn’t share it with my Mom living there, because that would just be too much shit piled on top of shit. 

I have shared on these boards, years before it happened, how I felt about not being able to ever live with my Mom. But then it happened anyway, because I was faced with making a quick decision, and did not take the time to think through all the reasons I’d always known it would be a bad idea. So, in that moment, I forgot about my boundaries and chose to do what I felt was doing right by her, instead of what was best for me, even though I KNEW better. And it was just as bad or worse, than I’d always thought it would be. 

That is one of the reasons why everything is so complicated for me right now, there are no easy solutions to my problems, because I have allowed other people to make things so complicated for me. That is all still on me for allowing, and I accept that, but it is a huge mess for me to try to untangle, to try to save myself, especially when I’m not at my best or even okay myself.