what are you doing right now?

[greenthumb59]

Nov 19, 2024 4:57:29 GMT -5 finnime said:

Good morning, empathetic and supportive invisipeeps, noticing and gently returning to the air the butterflies that have become trapped in sticky cobwebs. Welcome to Tuesday. I hope this day relieves your fears and strengthens your resolve to address anything awry in your life. I hope there is ice cream or chex mix or bourbon or music, whatever pleases you. I hope at the end you look back and say, that was a really good day.

Today, for me, I'll be nursing the ##%)*)# cold I got from DH, and helping him, too. He's been miserable, unable to taste anything and sleeping fitfully 5 out of 6 hours. I gave us both Covid tests yesterday. They were negative.

Here's to a fine Tuesday for you all. Since Monday started with a bang as in this picture, you know the week will be a good one.

Gorgeous photo!  I hope you and your DH feel better quickly!

[giramomma]

Nov 18, 2024 21:06:19 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

But Mister grew up in a household where, for example, they had to pay to drink sodas his Mom had bought for her. Idk if she bought sodas for the rest of her household and they ran through them and started drinking hers. I’m not trying to judge her, I’m just saying that that is different from what I’m used to, requiring payment for things like that. I’d just get upset and fuss if my children ate or drank all of my stuff after they ran through what I’d bought for them, but it never occurred to me to expect them to actually pay me money for  eating or drinking “my” stuff.

As a consequence it makes sense, though.

Our solution is that we don't  keep things like soda or anything that the kids deem as "good food" in the house. We provide plenty of actual good food for our kids. We don't have enough funds to pay for replacements because the kids can't self regulate for whatever reason.

One of my kids took my nalgene bottle that DH bought me when we were dating. And lost it.

I now have two nalgene bottles that say "Mom's water bottle" on them.

Kids don't touch those at all.

We also have a "we don't replace it" rule when it comes to technology. We'll buy it. If the kids crack it, they either live with it or replace it.

Some of that is for financial reasons. Some of it is  from a "Well, shit. I'm walking around with a 7-8 year old cell phone. I'll be damned if I give my kids something nicer/newer because they were careless with their old one."

 

[lurkyloo]

Nov 18, 2024 20:48:10 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Nov 18, 2024 17:17:43 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Mister drove his Mustang to go see his Aunt in rehab yesterday. Yes, she’s been back in the hospital and is currently in rehab again.

Anyway, Mister sent me a video of the dashboard on his car. It was a stream of error messages popping up one after the other. I called him and asked him wth. He got in it to leave from visiting his Aunt and all those errors started popping up and car wouldn’t even start. He was waiting for a tow truck.

About 20 minutes after we got off the phone and before the tow truck had arrived, he said he heard a click and decided to try it and it started, so he drove it on home.

Ford says they’d have to keep the car at least 3 weeks before they can even get to it to try to figure out what happened.

It’s a 2024 and he’s only had it 4 months. The fuck?!

DS told me that at one of the dealerships near his workplace (the same people own a bunch of.different car brands) just expects.cars to come back within a few.months of purchase. Replacement parts are.on backorder for months. And good luck finding mechanics. 

It's why i got a 2020. It doesnt.chastise me if I yawn.

This is doing nothing toward making me enthusiastic to give up my 2005 Ford Focus.  It’s required only minor repairs during 15 years of heavy use.  There’s something to be said for really basic cars with less fancy equipment to break 

[lurkyloo]

Nov 19, 2024 9:03:57 GMT -5 azucena said:

Very little sleep and today is already feeling just too hard.

We still need that “I hear you, and I care” indicator for when “like” isn’t really appropriate.

I can hardly take the roller coaster, as removed as I am from the situation.  BT needs that damn tooth removed, one step at a time.  I certainly hope she gets to stay with you.

[giramomma]

i lost my motivation

also az you are truly amazing

[Peace77]

Nov 19, 2024 0:01:30 GMT -5 azucena said:

Teen's dad wants her back and is working on setting up housing and seems to have a job. He also seems to think that he won't be sentenced to jail time. He's joining CPS mtg tomorrow.

Meanwhile Teen doesn't know his plans. She just had what I'm diagnosing as an absence seizure. She was bickering with me about taking her meds which is typical for her really bad mental health days. Says things like they don't help anyway. And then she was unresponsive but still sitting up. Luckily she was sitting on the floor bc she'd just said she felt off and that's our first cue. Managed to lay her down and clear around her head but she never shook, just sorta passed out.

Now she's asleep and I'm allowing myself to cry quietly while keeping an eye on her. It's gonna be a long night and day and somehow I have to keep work afloat bc key project is due Fri.

Do I dare hope he does go to jail? This is all so messed up and heartbreaking.

If Teen says I want to stay with my new family, will anyone listen and can her dad step back enough to allow it and do what's best for her? I didn't think this could get any more complicated.

She didn't end up wanting to see him last night. I think she's afraid to get her hopes up that she can rely on him. I don't think he's mistreated her, rather he's served at least two prison sentences so has been unavailable for large chunks of her life. I also think she's distrustful since he knew bio mom was abusive and didn't rescue her.

This poor, poor child.

[bean29]

Nov 18, 2024 17:17:43 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Mister drove his Mustang to go see his Aunt in rehab yesterday. Yes, she’s been back in the hospital and is currently in rehab again.

Anyway, Mister sent me a video of the dashboard on his car. It was a stream of error messages popping up one after the other. I called him and asked him wth. He got in it to leave from visiting his Aunt and all those errors started popping up and car wouldn’t even start. He was waiting for a tow truck.

About 20 minutes after we got off the phone and before the tow truck had arrived, he said he heard a click and decided to try it and it started, so he drove it on home.

Ford says they’d have to keep the car at least 3 weeks before they can even get to it to try to figure out what happened.

It’s a 2024 and he’s only had it 4 months. The fuck?!

Tell Mister to read up on the Federal Lemon Law and your State lemon law.  I think you have to file/document the start of you claim as soon as the vehicle gets to the dealership for repair.  If you wait, the clock starts from the time you first document it.  

[TheOtherMe]

Nov 19, 2024 0:01:30 GMT -5 azucena said:

Teen's dad wants her back and is working on setting up housing and seems to have a job. He also seems to think that he won't be sentenced to jail time. He's joining CPS mtg tomorrow.

Meanwhile Teen doesn't know his plans. She just had what I'm diagnosing as an absence seizure. She was bickering with me about taking her meds which is typical for her really bad mental health days. Says things like they don't help anyway. And then she was unresponsive but still sitting up. Luckily she was sitting on the floor bc she'd just said she felt off and that's our first cue. Managed to lay her down and clear around her head but she never shook, just sorta passed out.

Now she's asleep and I'm allowing myself to cry quietly while keeping an eye on her. It's gonna be a long night and day and somehow I have to keep work afloat bc key project is due Fri.

Do I dare hope he does go to jail? This is all so messed up and heartbreaking.

If Teen says I want to stay with my new family, will anyone listen and can her dad step back enough to allow it and do what's best for her? I didn't think this could get any more complicated.

She didn't end up wanting to see him last night. I think she's afraid to get her hopes up that she can rely on him. I don't think he's mistreated her, rather he's served at least two prison sentences so has been unavailable for large chunks of her life. I also think she's distrustful since he knew bio mom was abusive and didn't rescue her.

This poor, poor child.

He has never been there for her.  Why does he think he will be now?  His track record doesn't show that he is able to care for her.  

I hope BT gets to stay where she is loved and taken care of and full accepted for who she is.   Of course, she is distrustful.  He hasn't been there.  No adult except for you have been there.

I hope at this meeting BT is able to express her needs and who she thinks can best meet them.    That is a big burden for her.

   

[giramomma]

Re: The dad rescuing

It was much easier for me to move on from my dad not stepping up to protect me from my mom than ever moving on from my mom.

The reasons were easier to understand: Dad was loyal to a fault, and his allegiance was always to his wife. Dad also wasn't ever one to be willing to buck cultural norms to the extent that would have been needed to protect me from mom.

I mean, it's 2024, and we still think/assume the mom is the best caregiver, just like in 1954. We still think anything child-related should be assumed to be the mom's responsibility.

And, in the 70s and early 80s, divorced men were not getting 50% access to their kids.

I was never enough for my mom to want to do better by me. That's a lot harder to take then my dad had some character flaws and the early 80s were not father-friendly. I always knew I was enough for my dad.

[swamp]

Nov 18, 2024 23:29:55 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 18, 2024 17:17:43 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Mister drove his Mustang to go see his Aunt in rehab yesterday. Yes, she’s been back in the hospital and is currently in rehab again.

Anyway, Mister sent me a video of the dashboard on his car. It was a stream of error messages popping up one after the other. I called him and asked him wth. He got in it to leave from visiting his Aunt and all those errors started popping up and car wouldn’t even start. He was waiting for a tow truck.

About 20 minutes after we got off the phone and before the tow truck had arrived, he said he heard a click and decided to try it and it started, so he drove it on home.

Ford says they’d have to keep the car at least 3 weeks before they can even get to it to try to figure out what happened.

It’s a 2024 and he’s only had it 4 months. The fuck?!

There is a reason people say Ford stands for Fix Or Repair Daily. They're awful cars. I get that Mustangs are sexy, but they're horribly made.

Or Found On Road Dead. 

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Nov 18, 2024 23:35:44 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Nov 18, 2024 21:19:22 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Just want to back this up. Other people's problems are way easier to deal with than mine so full disclosure this comes from a glass house.

But... please get a separate bed, and sleep on the couch until then. I do not accept that he doesn’t remember but regardless your safety should be top priority. Claim back issues, temperature issues, anything.

Do not make excuses for him. If he doesn't show up, if he's being anti- social. For any reason. You are not his keeper. Lean in to those friendships. They know you, and they know him.

Above all stay safe but if at all possible ask for rides from friends if you can. Go for walks, Schedule doctors appointments or join a women's crafting, book, anything group. Our library does coffee and conversation groups. Anything to get you some time away. If he goes out while you're gone, let him. If he has heart issues, call him an ambulance. Temper tantrums regardless of age are just that.

My last question is rhetorical but it's one my therapist threw at me recently that I cant shake.

If someone you cared about deeply asked for advice and described similar relationship struggles what would you tell them to do?

I am not trying to make excuses for her husband, but I do want to admit that when I take a Lunesta to help me sleep, if it actually works that night, I might do strange things that I don’t remember the next day.

DD learned from experience that if she woke me up in the middle of the night for good reason, I may or may not start swinging fists before I really woke up and came to my senses enough to realize it was her and not an unknown person that just popped up in my bedroom and woke me up.

I have done a lot of strange things after taking a Lunesta. And on the nights it works for me, if I don’t take it literally when I get in bed, some strange stuff might happen that I won’t remember the next day. Other nights, if whatever is going on with my body chemistry or whatever means I might as well have taken an anything pill, it’s not the same.

You do not even need to be taking a sleep med.  I have had numerous bruises on my shins from DH kicking me.  Usually, I have advanced warning and shift over to the side of the bed.  For him, when he deeply sleeps his RLS causes this and he never knows about it.  
I suspect that there are a lot of undiagnosed people, and it seems to ramp up as you age.  It’s not uncommon.  Both my grandparents on my dad’s side had it, my dad had it, DH has it as does his mom.  

[swamp]

Nov 19, 2024 0:01:30 GMT -5 azucena said:

Teen's dad wants her back and is working on setting up housing and seems to have a job. He also seems to think that he won't be sentenced to jail time. He's joining CPS mtg tomorrow.

Meanwhile Teen doesn't know his plans. She just had what I'm diagnosing as an absence seizure. She was bickering with me about taking her meds which is typical for her really bad mental health days. Says things like they don't help anyway. And then she was unresponsive but still sitting up. Luckily she was sitting on the floor bc she'd just said she felt off and that's our first cue. Managed to lay her down and clear around her head but she never shook, just sorta passed out.

Now she's asleep and I'm allowing myself to cry quietly while keeping an eye on her. It's gonna be a long night and day and somehow I have to keep work afloat bc key project is due Fri.

Do I dare hope he does go to jail? This is all so messed up and heartbreaking.

If Teen says I want to stay with my new family, will anyone listen and can her dad step back enough to allow it and do what's best for her? I didn't think this could get any more complicated.

She didn't end up wanting to see him last night. I think she's afraid to get her hopes up that she can rely on him. I don't think he's mistreated her, rather he's served at least two prison sentences so has been unavailable for large chunks of her life. I also think she's distrustful since he knew bio mom was abusive and didn't rescue her.

This poor, poor child.

He's already done 2 prison tours in her lifetime.  He'll fuck up again soon.   Don't worry.  

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Nov 19, 2024 11:48:45 GMT -5 swamp said:

Nov 18, 2024 23:29:55 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

There is a reason people say Ford stands for Fix Or Repair Daily. They're awful cars. I get that Mustangs are sexy, but they're horribly made.

Or Found On Road Dead. 

My dad always bought Fords.  The last one was the van he bought in 1972, and even brand new it had problems.  Since he bought new and drove his cars to the ground, he managed to keep them on the road a decade (having just over 100k on them) before buying again.  After that Ford debacle, he switched to Nissan and never looked back.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Nov 19, 2024 0:01:30 GMT -5 azucena said:

Teen's dad wants her back and is working on setting up housing and seems to have a job. He also seems to think that he won't be sentenced to jail time. He's joining CPS mtg tomorrow.

Meanwhile Teen doesn't know his plans. She just had what I'm diagnosing as an absence seizure. She was bickering with me about taking her meds which is typical for her really bad mental health days. Says things like they don't help anyway. And then she was unresponsive but still sitting up. Luckily she was sitting on the floor bc she'd just said she felt off and that's our first cue. Managed to lay her down and clear around her head but she never shook, just sorta passed out.

Now she's asleep and I'm allowing myself to cry quietly while keeping an eye on her. It's gonna be a long night and day and somehow I have to keep work afloat bc key project is due Fri.

Do I dare hope he does go to jail? This is all so messed up and heartbreaking.

If Teen says I want to stay with my new family, will anyone listen and can her dad step back enough to allow it and do what's best for her? I didn't think this could get any more complicated.

She didn't end up wanting to see him last night. I think she's afraid to get her hopes up that she can rely on him. I don't think he's mistreated her, rather he's served at least two prison sentences so has been unavailable for large chunks of her life. I also think she's distrustful since he knew bio mom was abusive and didn't rescue her.

This poor, poor child.

This is heartbreaking.  At 17 years old, Teen should have some sort of say in things, right?  Best thing dad could do right now is support your efforts, to let her take advantage of what you are offering her.  Hopefully he will be that unselfish.

Do you know what he was thrown in prison for?

[lurkyloo]

Nov 19, 2024 11:54:10 GMT -5 swamp said:

Nov 19, 2024 0:01:30 GMT -5 azucena said:

Teen's dad wants her back and is working on setting up housing and seems to have a job. He also seems to think that he won't be sentenced to jail time. He's joining CPS mtg tomorrow.

Meanwhile Teen doesn't know his plans. She just had what I'm diagnosing as an absence seizure. She was bickering with me about taking her meds which is typical for her really bad mental health days. Says things like they don't help anyway. And then she was unresponsive but still sitting up. Luckily she was sitting on the floor bc she'd just said she felt off and that's our first cue. Managed to lay her down and clear around her head but she never shook, just sorta passed out.

Now she's asleep and I'm allowing myself to cry quietly while keeping an eye on her. It's gonna be a long night and day and somehow I have to keep work afloat bc key project is due Fri.

Do I dare hope he does go to jail? This is all so messed up and heartbreaking.

If Teen says I want to stay with my new family, will anyone listen and can her dad step back enough to allow it and do what's best for her? I didn't think this could get any more complicated.

She didn't end up wanting to see him last night. I think she's afraid to get her hopes up that she can rely on him. I don't think he's mistreated her, rather he's served at least two prison sentences so has been unavailable for large chunks of her life. I also think she's distrustful since he knew bio mom was abusive and didn't rescue her.

This poor, poor child.

He's already done 2 prison tours in her lifetime.  He'll fuck up again soon.   Don't worry.  

Granted, but will he fuck up again soon enough for BT to stay with azucena’s family?  Momentum is in their favor right now, because she’s already there.  Hopefully the authorities will want to see some track record of stability before they send her back to live with him-but man, my faith in their system is just nonexistent right now.

Maybe he could provide a home for BT’s older brother instead, who is a young adult and couch surfing I think? Seems like the immediate needs of the younger kids are higher than BT’s right now but I didn’t get the impression they were his kids.

[azucena]

Theft and burglary, those were his prior charges as well.

[azucena]

Big bro often stays with grandma on dad's side so he's already with dad. Those are dad's only two with TFW. He also has a 9 yr girl that was staying with him this weekend.

Just got a text from bonus teen asking if big bro could couch surf at our place this weekend. DH and I agreed we gotta say no esp bc we're going to be at the beach if this doesn't disrupt everything.

I haven't responded to her yet but am going to ask why he needs a place as it's seeming like a slight red flag regarding bio dad but also entirely possible house is full.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Nov 19, 2024 12:03:49 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Nov 19, 2024 0:01:30 GMT -5 azucena said:

Teen's dad wants her back and is working on setting up housing and seems to have a job. He also seems to think that he won't be sentenced to jail time. He's joining CPS mtg tomorrow.

Meanwhile Teen doesn't know his plans. She just had what I'm diagnosing as an absence seizure. She was bickering with me about taking her meds which is typical for her really bad mental health days. Says things like they don't help anyway. And then she was unresponsive but still sitting up. Luckily she was sitting on the floor bc she'd just said she felt off and that's our first cue. Managed to lay her down and clear around her head but she never shook, just sorta passed out.

Now she's asleep and I'm allowing myself to cry quietly while keeping an eye on her. It's gonna be a long night and day and somehow I have to keep work afloat bc key project is due Fri.

Do I dare hope he does go to jail? This is all so messed up and heartbreaking.

If Teen says I want to stay with my new family, will anyone listen and can her dad step back enough to allow it and do what's best for her? I didn't think this could get any more complicated.

She didn't end up wanting to see him last night. I think she's afraid to get her hopes up that she can rely on him. I don't think he's mistreated her, rather he's served at least two prison sentences so has been unavailable for large chunks of her life. I also think she's distrustful since he knew bio mom was abusive and didn't rescue her.

This poor, poor child.

This is heartbreaking.  At 17 years old, Teen should have some sort of say in things, right?  Best thing dad could do right now is support your efforts, to let her take advantage of what you are offering her.  Hopefully he will be that unselfish.

Do you know what he was thrown in prison for?

You would certainly think so.  In MN starting at age 12 kids get a say in custody disputes and the weight of their input goes up the older they are.

[raeoflyte]

Watching videos from people trying to get custody of their kids back it seems like they have hoops that take 6+ months best case. Those have been younger kids.

[swamp]

Nov 19, 2024 12:45:00 GMT -5 azucena said:

Theft and burglary, those were his prior charges as well.

Is he a thief, or is he a drug addict who steals to support his habit? 

[countrygirl3]

What a mess for those kids. You have one partially out Azucena, you are a wonderful person to go through what you are to help this young girl. I hope she can get the tooth fixed first before the dad is alienated in some way. You might have to let her go, but I bet it wouldn't be for long. Not a good track record for him.

I have to get busy, we have the w/d pulled out, hubs painted the walls and I'm doing the baseboard when I get my butt in there. Have to get that stuff pushed back as the laundry is piling up already. Poor DD had pizza last night and a mess later about 2AM we had to clean up Luckily only a small place on her sheet so for the night I covered with a doubled up sheet, changing that this morning. DIL said she couldn't eat pizza but she loves it as does hubs so I tried again. It was from Costco and hubs said not bad but sounds like something we are going to have to remove from her diet. That's sad for her.

It is only 43 this morning, was cold last night I think. Going to see if kitty wants out for a bit, he won't last long, so now I finish my coffee and go paint.

The house is getting nicer looking all the time. 

No more packages, so maybe Amazon got it stopped. I don't really want stuff I don't pay for, just doesn't set right for me.

Later all

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 19, 2024 11:49:45 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Nov 18, 2024 23:35:44 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I am not trying to make excuses for her husband, but I do want to admit that when I take a Lunesta to help me sleep, if it actually works that night, I might do strange things that I don’t remember the next day.

DD learned from experience that if she woke me up in the middle of the night for good reason, I may or may not start swinging fists before I really woke up and came to my senses enough to realize it was her and not an unknown person that just popped up in my bedroom and woke me up.

I have done a lot of strange things after taking a Lunesta. And on the nights it works for me, if I don’t take it literally when I get in bed, some strange stuff might happen that I won’t remember the next day. Other nights, if whatever is going on with my body chemistry or whatever means I might as well have taken an anything pill, it’s not the same.

You do not even need to be taking a sleep med.  I have had numerous bruises on my shins from DH kicking me.  Usually, I have advanced warning and shift over to the side of the bed.  For him, when he deeply sleeps his RLS causes this and he never knows about it.  
I suspect that there are a lot of undiagnosed people, and it seems to ramp up as you age.  It’s not uncommon.  Both my grandparents on my dad’s side had it, my dad had it, DH has it as does his mom.  

One of my biggest fears has always been somebody breaking into my house while I’m sleep. So waking me up by looming over me, is just a bad idea, even if I didn’t take a Lunesta.

When I say I do strange things, it’s benign stuff like falling asleep sitting up in bed, instead of laying down or having whole, sensible conversations that I don’t remember the next day. I don’t hit or kick in my sleep, or anything like that. Mister would’ve told me that a long time ago along with his other complaints about me snoring and grinding my teeth.

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 19, 2024 13:24:11 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Watching videos from people trying to get custody of their kids back it seems like they have hoops that take 6+ months best case. Those have been younger kids.

I know someone who lost custody of her children. Her husband was beating her and I think using drugs. Losing custody of her children woke her up and she divorced him so she would have some hope of getting her children back. I don’t remember how long it took, but it was a lot longer than 6 months. IIRC, it was closer to 2 years. It may have taken so long for her though, because she had to wait until her divorce was finalized and he was out of her life for good, which took some months by itself. Then she had to jump through all the other hoops.

[daisylu]

Trying to figure out how to just call it a day. 

[azucena]

Nov 19, 2024 13:24:11 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Watching videos from people trying to get custody of their kids back it seems like they have hoops that take 6+ months best case. Those have been younger kids.

To my knowledge he's never officially lost custody. Don't think there is a CPS file/report on him ever.

[azucena]

Nov 19, 2024 13:28:49 GMT -5 swamp said:

Nov 19, 2024 12:45:00 GMT -5 azucena said:

Theft and burglary, those were his prior charges as well.

Is he a thief, or is he a drug addict who steals to support his habit? 

No idea, no drug charges in his record that I can find. Teen has never mentioned drug use, but I've also been very, very careful not to pester her with questions and to just let her share what and when she is ready.

Also can't figure out how he has a job already. He seemed to be gone from 8 to 7 yesterday and mentioned client appointments.

[azucena]

Trying to ignore that I wanna barf.

[finnime]

Nov 19, 2024 14:06:26 GMT -5 azucena said:

Trying to ignore that I wanna barf.

Hang in there.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Nov 19, 2024 12:48:51 GMT -5 azucena said:

Big bro often stays with grandma on dad's side so he's already with dad. Those are dad's only two with TFW. He also has a 9 yr girl that was staying with him this weekend.

Just got a text from bonus teen asking if big bro could couch surf at our place this weekend. DH and I agreed we gotta say no esp bc we're going to be at the beach if this doesn't disrupt everything.

I haven't responded to her yet but am going to ask why he needs a place as it's seeming like a slight red flag regarding bio dad but also entirely possible house is full.

If bio bro needs to couch surf so that a third child can stay there, he’s not set up to house Teen.  What happens if Teen custody goes to dad and youngest stays over.  Do both Bro and Teen couch surf at friends?  

[TheOtherMe]

azucena         I hope all goes well.


I know nothing about people who have been in prison except what I have seen on tv, but how does he have clients when he just got out of prison?