andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 27, 2024 18:07:28 GMT -5
I got back from a baby shower. Grandbaby's mom is getting close to having her second. As soon as he saw me he yelled "Sweetcheeks!" and ran up to me. The guy his mom is having the baby with has 2 boys so now he has brothers. When we were leaving he said "I told my brothers about you but they didn't believe I had a Sweetcheeks." I told him well now they've met Sweetcheeks so they can believe you. When we were getting in the car he yelled "I love you Sweetcheeks!" I love that boy so much. ❤️
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 27, 2024 18:10:32 GMT -5
I heard too many of my aunts say once the funeral was over, they are all alone in their journey. That is when they needed people and didn't have them. Yep. You guys have been there for me more than the people in real life. You can't even begin to know how grateful I am for all of you. I did have one aunt who was abandoned by her husband, with two young sons. One son was mentally challenged. Her siblings pulled together for her and the boys. She had no income. Went on government commodities. I have found out the husband went to prison on a charge from before their marriage a couple of years after he left. I am guessing he was running from going to prison. She had 10 siblings and they pooled their funds to keep her in a rental house and the lights on. She was a big mentally challenged, too. Mom said she never understood what was happening in school, so she dropped out. She was one of the most loving women I ever met and a great cook. We were all happy when she remarried. He truly loved her and till death did they part.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 27, 2024 18:10:51 GMT -5
I got back from a baby shower. Grandbaby's mom is getting close to having her second. As soon as he saw me he yelled "Sweetcheeks!" and ran up to me. The guy his mom is having the baby with has 2 boys so now he has brothers. When we were leaving he said "I told my brothers about you but they didn't believe I had a Sweetcheeks." I told him well now they've met Sweetcheeks so they can believe you. When we were getting in the car he yelled "I love you Sweetcheeks!" I love that boy so much. ❤️ Sweetcheeks- I love it!
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on Jul 27, 2024 18:32:22 GMT -5
Nice story about your aunt TheOtherMe
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 27, 2024 18:37:14 GMT -5
I got back from a baby shower. Grandbaby's mom is getting close to having her second. As soon as he saw me he yelled "Sweetcheeks!" and ran up to me. The guy his mom is having the baby with has 2 boys so now he has brothers. When we were leaving he said "I told my brothers about you but they didn't believe I had a Sweetcheeks." I told him well now they've met Sweetcheeks so they can believe you. When we were getting in the car he yelled "I love you Sweetcheeks!" I love that boy so much. ❤️ Sweetcheeks- I love it! It's a whole thing. The kids and their friends call me that. Even his teachers at school before they moved called me that.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 27, 2024 19:00:01 GMT -5
Has anyone here personally or if not themselves known someone who managed to overcome defensiveness and reactiveness in relationships? And if so what tools helped and what kind of time frame did it take?
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 27, 2024 19:28:31 GMT -5
I'm thinking more of insurance if you are still working but Medicare age, like Blue Cross Blue Shield of NJ or simiar. More likely the motorcycle/auto/liability policy of whomever was at fault. As I remember the story that was told (I think it was on The Moneyist), the guy who was hit on a motorcycle was hit by an uninsured driver. So their insurance wouldn’t apply. He exhausted his PIP, then Medicare was next. Medicare wouldn’t pay since it was a motorcycle accident (and I suspect that with an uninsured driver, nothing to subrogate), so he was left with a large medical bill.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 27, 2024 19:33:44 GMT -5
Happy birthday, Mich. Sorry, I'm late.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 27, 2024 19:34:45 GMT -5
Happy birthday, Mich. Sorry, I'm late. Thanks…
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 27, 2024 19:43:52 GMT -5
Happy Birthday Mitch. Glad you enjoyed your birthday dinner. Sounds wonderful.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jul 27, 2024 19:55:17 GMT -5
Um, no. It's where you poop in the shower and stomp the poop down a drain. Your welcome. DD1 came back from summer camp, and that was the hot topic this year. She thought it was so funny that she was loud in the story telling and the laughing that we woke up the missy. At which point I told DS that I never want to hear if he peed in a vent or do other things boys do. people really do that? I don’t even pee in the shower. I do any business before I get in the shower. Glad to see I'm not the only one wondering about that. And I'm not just talking about pooping in a shower but to stomp on poop, any poop, anywhere, on purpose
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Pink Cashmere
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Post by Pink Cashmere on Jul 27, 2024 20:06:01 GMT -5
Has anyone here personally or if not themselves known someone who managed to overcome defensiveness and reactiveness in relationships? And if so what tools helped and what kind of time frame did it take? I’m not sure exactly what you mean, but I have learned a lot about how to have difficult conversations from poking around on John Gottman’s website. I have a book about having difficult conversations, and I’d have to go check to be sure, but I think it was written by him too. The main thing I learned was, when addressing an issue, say “I feel “x” when “y” happens, so can we do *this* from now on. Or something like that lol. The point is to address the problem and be clear about what the exact problem is, and offer a solution. I’ve tried it with Mister lately, when I can keep my wits about me. And it has worked well, if I can stay focused on the problem I’m trying to resolve and don’t go down a bunch of rabbit holes with him when he goes off on tangents. One time that I shared here a month or so ago, I was upset that he was being an ass about helping me move the stuff off the deck even the day before the work to repair the deck was supposed to start. So I told him okay, you don’t want to help me move all of that stuff, I will ask they guys that will be repairing the deck if they would move the heavy stuff if I paid them a few hundred extra dollars to do it. Those extra hundreds of dollars would’ve come out of Mister’s pockets, so he got himself together and helped me get everything off the deck. He does tend to get defensive when I try to talk about an issue, but I have learned that it’s my responsibility to have those conversations where the issue is just the issue, and my desire to try to resolve the issue doesn’t mean he is a bad person or whatever…. We just have this issue that we need to figure out. And his responsibility is to hear what I am saying, and not get defensive when I am focused on the issue, and not attacking him or making him be the problem that needs “fixing” instead of the issue being the problem that we need to try to figure out. And that all works better if I have a suggestion that can help us fix that thing. If he doesn’t like my suggestions on how to fix it, I’ve told him there is an issue and it needs to be addressed, so it’s on him to come up with other possible solutions if he doesn’t like the ones I’ve come up with. He has brought up issues he has with me. I don’t like it when that happens. But I know I’m not perfect, so if what he has an issue with about me is reasonable, I just suck it up and try to do the thing he says he’d like for me to do. But that has to go both ways. I’m not sure that what I’m saying makes sense, and if it doesn’t, I will try to explain further if necessary.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jul 27, 2024 20:09:37 GMT -5
IATA I was at a GrDIL's baby shower. First my DIL wins the number of items in her purse. She was more social about turning back the cooking utensils gift saying I just can't use these. Then there was baby bingo. My son, grandson in law and I hit the same bingo so they deferred the prize to me. A live plant. Agh. I said I just can't accept a live plant because my son will end up taking care of it. He takes care of our house when we are gone. This does not include plants. So they give the plant to him then he turns it back. My daughter took it. My son won the baby bottle chug. He said he cheated by biting the end of the nipple off so he could chug the apple juice. The best gift one of those large Stanley type cups. He also gave it to the m-2-b.
Everyone who brought diapers were in a diaper raffle. My name was pulled. The gift was super nice a softy blanket, a makeup case, bath salts, facial things. I enjoyed looking at the items and gave them back to the mom-to-be who had personally bought the items. Then it was guess the number of m&ms in the jar. My H. won. We kept them. My social anxiety after the fact is high. Ungrateful feeling and was not empathetic in turning back the gifts. Just feeling like the AH.
So much for the personal talking to - if someone gives me a gift, graciously accept it. The one good was my great granddaughter, who is a stand offish 1 1/2 y.o., gave me her blue rubber ducky. And her 2nd ducky. LOL. It was a lovely 3.5 hr. drive there and 3.5 hr back. One grandson who was manning the grill said, since when do men go to baby showers. He had an injury so he stayed outside managing to be polite while the group photo was taken.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 27, 2024 20:21:09 GMT -5
It's going. My current foster, Peaches, was traumatized when I first got her but now I can pet her without her trying to take my hand off. She has a photoshoot tomorrow then goes up for adoption. I would be a foster fail. Anything coming through my front door would end up staying. This is the reason TD refuses to let me do this too.
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Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jul 27, 2024 20:27:54 GMT -5
Back on family. My daughter wants to rent a big lodge for the family vacation at $1000 per night. 3 night minimum. 5 couples $600 for the 3 days. It sleeps 26. I found out the last time there was a lodge rented, only 2 families paid their share. From my count, there were 5 to 7 families there. IDK what the rate was on the lodge. (This is why I don't plan family vacations because everyone thinks it's a freebe.)
My idea was to pay when the couple signs up. This will be nearly one year in advance sooooo there will be complications for some signing up and not being able to attend. I also said, no refund unless after the refund amount allows the base rate is still covered. Then the problem of groceries. I suggested a main menu, one person shopping, everyone chips in. Taking turns cooking. If anyone has better ideas, I'm interested in hearing them. I'll ask my friend whose family does an annual thing. 3 of the younger people plan the who thing. The couples are told how much to pay upfront for the rooms then later for the food.
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Artemis Windsong
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The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Jul 27, 2024 20:33:08 GMT -5
My granddaughter and her husband adopted an aged dog. They thought it was $X and ended up with $500 more. That is a gouge.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 27, 2024 20:59:43 GMT -5
Has anyone here personally or if not themselves known someone who managed to overcome defensiveness and reactiveness in relationships? And if so what tools helped and what kind of time frame did it take? I’m not sure exactly what you mean, but I have learned a lot about how to have difficult conversations from poking around on John Gottman’s website. I have a book about having difficult conversations, and I’d have to go check to be sure, but I think it was written by him too. The main thing I learned was, when addressing an issue, say “I feel “x” when “y” happens, so can we do *this* from now on. Or something like that lol. The point is to address the problem and be clear about what the exact problem is, and offer a solution. I’ve tried it with Mister lately, when I can keep my wits about me. And it has worked well, if I can stay focused on the problem I’m trying to resolve and don’t go down a bunch of rabbit holes with him when he goes off on tangents. One time that I shared here a month or so ago, I was upset that he was being an ass about helping me move the stuff off the deck even the day before the work to repair the deck was supposed to start. So I told him okay, you don’t want to help me move all of that stuff, I will ask they guys that will be repairing the deck if they would move the heavy stuff if I paid them a few hundred extra dollars to do it. Those extra hundreds of dollars would’ve come out of Mister’s pockets, so he got himself together and helped me get everything off the deck. He does tend to get defensive when I try to talk about an issue, but I have learned that it’s my responsibility to have those conversations where the issue is just the issue, and my desire to try to resolve the issue doesn’t mean he is a bad person or whatever…. We just have this issue that we need to figure out. And his responsibility is to hear what I am saying, and not get defensive when I am focused on the issue, and not attacking him or making him be the problem that needs “fixing” instead of the issue being the problem that we need to try to figure out. And that all works better if I have a suggestion that can help us fix that thing. If he doesn’t like my suggestions on how to fix it, I’ve told him there is an issue and it needs to be addressed, so it’s on him to come up with other possible solutions if he doesn’t like the ones I’ve come up with. He has brought up issues he has with me. I don’t like it when that happens. But I know I’m not perfect, so if what he has an issue with about me is reasonable, I just suck it up and try to do the thing he says he’d like for me to do. But that has to go both ways. I’m not sure that what I’m saying makes sense, and if it doesn’t, I will try to explain further if necessary. I understand that approach. This is an issue where regardless of how something is brought up he responds with defensiveness, blame, gaslighting, etc. It is dh and he is committed to working on it now, but it's taken years to get to a point where he really acknowledges the problem. He is a lot better than he used to be but I'm trying to find any kind of realistic time frame to expect even more significant improvement.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jul 27, 2024 22:17:37 GMT -5
More likely the motorcycle/auto/liability policy of whomever was at fault. As I remember the story that was told (I think it was on The Moneyist), the guy who was hit on a motorcycle was hit by an uninsured driver. So their insurance wouldn’t apply. He exhausted his PIP, then Medicare was next. Medicare wouldn’t pay since it was a motorcycle accident (and I suspect that with an uninsured driver, nothing to subrogate), so he was left with a large medical bill. Do people not carry uninsured/underinsured motorist coverage in other states? In Indiana, I think you are supposed to carry a minimum of 25k/50k for bodily injury. Of course, there are always those who don't. And Happy Birthday!
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 27, 2024 22:40:19 GMT -5
I understand that approach. This is an issue where regardless of how something is brought up he responds with defensiveness, blame, gaslighting, etc. It is dh and he is committed to working on it now, but it's taken years to get to a point where he really acknowledges the problem. He is a lot better than he used to be but I'm trying to find any kind of realistic time frame to expect significant improvement. TBH..I don't know that you will want to wait around for significant improvement. I'll be frank. I will never overcome how I was raised that relationships are adversarial. I'm fairly eh about fixing this about me to improve our marriage. I do try to work hard at it with regards to DD1. It affects negatively affects her in a way it doesn't affect the other kids as much. I'd be OK without DH, I'd never be OK without my kids. I'm still not great. I get defensive when I'm stressed. It probably happens once or twice a month, with DD1. With my kids, I'm not good at looking at the root cause of my upsetness and articulating the real reason of why I'm ticked off. I do think that because DH and I otherwise are fairly well matched, this is an area where DH gives me grace. Though it has always frustrated him., even when we were dating. While not the same, wrt dh's recovery v1, I should have left the marriage then. I stayed because I believed DH could be the person he is now. I mean. Sure. I was right. What I didn't realize is that the cost to stick it out was soo darn high. It's ok to admit to ourselves that with some things-whatever we decide that is for us, sometimes the journey really isn't worth the end result, not matter how positive/good that end result is. I wish someone would have told me that 16 years ago. I would have made the stay vs. go decision with a different lens.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Jul 27, 2024 22:57:20 GMT -5
Back on family. My daughter wants to rent a big lodge for the family vacation at $1000 per night. 3 night minimum. 5 couples $600 for the 3 days. It sleeps 26. I found out the last time there was a lodge rented, only 2 families paid their share. From my count, there were 5 to 7 families there. IDK what the rate was on the lodge. (This is why I don't plan family vacations because everyone thinks it's a freebe.)
My idea was to pay when the couple signs up. This will be nearly one year in advance sooooo there will be complications for some signing up and not being able to attend. I also said, no refund unless after the refund amount allows the base rate is still covered. Then the problem of groceries. I suggested a main menu, one person shopping, everyone chips in. Taking turns cooking. If anyone has better ideas, I'm interested in hearing them. I'll ask my friend whose family does an annual thing. 3 of the younger people plan the who thing. The couples are told how much to pay upfront for the rooms then later for the food.
When we plan vacations with family like our brothers and sisters or nieces and nephews, we decide where to stay and everyone pays their own way, including separate lodging. I like my own space.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Jul 27, 2024 23:44:11 GMT -5
I am doing no work on the house tomorrow or Monday, it can wait. I am exhausted again and now DD isn't feeling so great either, nor am I.
I ended up having to come home before the guys got done. They worked something like 16 hours today and they were beat. Son stayed over there till they finished and locked up the house. I came home and soaked in the tub in hot water and epsom salts, it made me feel better at least. I can't wait to use the whirlpool over there. If I had not been so tired I would have tonight.
I did get all the kitchen items put away, so its in order and the first time in years I had room for everything and actually empty shelves. That way in the kitchen and laundry room. I think some furniture is going to have to go sadly.
Hubs has sold the motorhome, so another thing gone. Now if the people Monday buy our house we will be in great shape, crossing our fingers.
I'm not so sure I'm not coming down with something too, I feel like I'm getting a fever. I'm about ready to go to bed.
I think DD and I both would eat something but I just can't cook tonight. I am thawing out hamburger, going to get some oriental veggies tomorrow and mushrooms, then stir fry with soy sauce. I like the crispier noodles on mine. Hope I feel up to running to the store.
I cleaned the fridge today and the one bathroom. The garage was a mess, I took a broom and swept down the walls in there and cleaned the cobwebs down. I also vacced the floor. The sweeping made my side hurt, getting old isn't for cowards. I guess all the stretching and reaching up did it. And as usual my back is killing me.
I have so many things to do next week, I don't know where to start.
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Jul 28, 2024 0:48:30 GMT -5
@coutrygirl2 I get confused about which house you're talking about! Which one are you thinking/hoping you sold?
I thought your husband was driving the motorhome to Seattle?
Where are you staying at right now? Your "old" home in Seattle?
Sorry for my confusion!
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jul 28, 2024 3:31:59 GMT -5
Good morning, invisipeeps invested in family, improving relationships and foster pets. Welcome to Sunday, that luscious day of sundaes. But what day is not? I hope your Sunday gains you traction in resolving any concerns and that you are able to relax and de-stress. Today, if I had any $, I'd buy DD a 3-wheel walker that looks like it would be an effective solution for her at work. She is very anxious about the meeting tomorrow. I am, too, for her. I drafted with her a letter to give to the administrator outlining her plan of action to prevent falls. I think they'll be inclined to accept it. I hope so. Yesterday I made crunchy chocolate chip cookies just the way DH loves them best. I also walked Franklin the Dog twice and worked on organizing my portfolio of pics again. When we walked in the early morning I saw two sets of 3 Great Blue Herons, plus 2 egrets and an osprey feasting on schoolies. Then I saw this:
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Jul 28, 2024 5:56:01 GMT -5
We were going to bring the motorhome, but sat for so long, lots of little things need attention. So someone bought it to live in. I don't know if that is good or not. I really needed to go over it as I was the one that used it and hubs has some stuff off I think that needs to be on. But nothing I can do.
And yes, we are in the old house in Olympia, the new one is bigger but I swear the layout in here is better. It's a disaster, I brought to much even after savagely downsizing. What a mess. This one up here is for sale so right now hoping it doesn't sell for awhile.
We have stacks of everything everywhere. I thought I was being wise, nope. I may end up going over and sorting out the office at least. I just gave up and had them start stacking stuff in the hobby room. None of my shelves are here, it is chaos.
I need to calm down, take a couple of Tylenol for the pain, and likely go back to bed in an hour or so. Rest will make things look better.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 28, 2024 7:46:36 GMT -5
Moving is always a shit-show, country.
Give yourself lots of grace. I know it's hard to give it time to get everything in a new place, etc.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 28, 2024 7:51:05 GMT -5
Back on family. My daughter wants to rent a big lodge for the family vacation at $1000 per night. 3 night minimum. 5 couples $600 for the 3 days. It sleeps 26. I found out the last time there was a lodge rented, only 2 families paid their share. From my count, there were 5 to 7 families there. IDK what the rate was on the lodge. (This is why I don't plan family vacations because everyone thinks it's a freebe.)
My idea was to pay when the couple signs up. This will be nearly one year in advance sooooo there will be complications for some signing up and not being able to attend. I also said, no refund unless after the refund amount allows the base rate is still covered. Then the problem of groceries. I suggested a main menu, one person shopping, everyone chips in. Taking turns cooking. If anyone has better ideas, I'm interested in hearing them. I'll ask my friend whose family does an annual thing. 3 of the younger people plan the who thing. The couples are told how much to pay upfront for the rooms then later for the food.
I think this largely depends on the family. I can see that DS would probably forget to pay in if we do something like this. DH and I assume we'll have to do a Christmas in July thing with the kids, because there's too many of them to try to manage the holidays. I always assumed we would pay for whatever we rent out.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 28, 2024 8:26:19 GMT -5
Scholarship app submitted. Fingers crossed. Shit's gonna get real in about a month.
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on Jul 28, 2024 8:26:51 GMT -5
We’ve done family vacations, up to 12 of us. Going to Sonoma in August. I’ve always paid for plane fares and house or boats. Others buy groceries or pay for meals out. We all enjoy no family fights or drama I’m fortunately able to do this without worry. I think of it as enjoying our money now rather than having them inherit when we’re gone. They’ll still inherit (especially if stocks keep increasing!)
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 28, 2024 8:32:44 GMT -5
I understand that approach. This is an issue where regardless of how something is brought up he responds with defensiveness, blame, gaslighting, etc. It is dh and he is committed to working on it now, but it's taken years to get to a point where he really acknowledges the problem. He is a lot better than he used to be but I'm trying to find any kind of realistic time frame to expect significant improvement. TBH..I don't know that you will want to wait around for significant improvement. I'll be frank. I will never overcome how I was raised that relationships are adversarial. I'm fairly eh about fixing this about me to improve our marriage. I do try to work hard at it with regards to DD1. It affects negatively affects her in a way it doesn't affect the other kids as much. I'd be OK without DH, I'd never be OK without my kids. I'm still not great. I get defensive when I'm stressed. It probably happens once or twice a month, with DD1. With my kids, I'm not good at looking at the root cause of my upsetness and articulating the real reason of why I'm ticked off. I do think that because DH and I otherwise are fairly well matched, this is an area where DH gives me grace. Though it has always frustrated him., even when we were dating. While not the same, wrt dh's recovery v1, I should have left the marriage then. I stayed because I believed DH could be the person he is now. I mean. Sure. I was right. What I didn't realize is that the cost to stick it out was soo darn high. It's ok to admit to ourselves that with some things-whatever we decide that is for us, sometimes the journey really isn't worth the end result, not matter how positive/good that end result is. I wish someone would have told me that 16 years ago. I would have made the stay vs. go decision with a different lens. I know and that's why we're here. I don't want to get divorced in general and from dh specifically, but I can't go the way we have been. He and our therapist know that I'm at the end of my rope. If I'm going to give him time, I have to give it in earnest, which is why I'm trying to come up with realistic frames so I can make that decision.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Jul 28, 2024 8:39:47 GMT -5
I understand that approach. This is an issue where regardless of how something is brought up he responds with defensiveness, blame, gaslighting, etc. It is dh and he is committed to working on it now, but it's taken years to get to a point where he really acknowledges the problem. He is a lot better than he used to be but I'm trying to find any kind of realistic time frame to expect significant improvement. TBH..I don't know that you will want to wait around for significant improvement. I'll be frank. I will never overcome how I was raised that relationships are adversarial. I'm fairly eh about fixing this about me to improve our marriage. I do try to work hard at it with regards to DD1. It affects negatively affects her in a way it doesn't affect the other kids as much. I'd be OK without DH, I'd never be OK without my kids. I'm still not great. I get defensive when I'm stressed. It probably happens once or twice a month, with DD1. With my kids, I'm not good at looking at the root cause of my upsetness and articulating the real reason of why I'm ticked off. I do think that because DH and I otherwise are fairly well matched, this is an area where DH gives me grace. Though it has always frustrated him., even when we were dating. While not the same, wrt dh's recovery v1, I should have left the marriage then. I stayed because I believed DH could be the person he is now. I mean. Sure. I was right. What I didn't realize is that the cost to stick it out was soo darn high. It's ok to admit to ourselves that with some things-whatever we decide that is for us, sometimes the journey really isn't worth the end result, not matter how positive/good that end result is. I wish someone would have told me that 16 years ago. I would have made the stay vs. go decision with a different lens. I think this is very different in an intimate partner relationship than any other, including parent-child (which is where my experience comes from). The thing I would keep in mind is that this is biology happening. Neural circuits that have been reinforced and strengthened for probably decades. It will take time to reset these, no matter how motivated he is. I have found that reinforce, then walk away and allow time to sink in, then reinforce again is the least frustrating method for me. But I’m not sure how practical that is with a spouse. My father just accepted that there were some things she was never going to budge on, logic be damned…they stayed married but he sort of avoided her especially toward the end. He was in France for their 40th wedding anniversary and she was surprised and hurt he didn’t want to celebrate it, because she never really understood there were fundamental problems in their marriage. It’s also not a direct parallel to raeoflyte because my mother did work very hard keeping the house running and taking care of kids and meals and yardwork, etc. He did say that after the second or third time she’d threatened suicide in front of the kids, he sat her down and said he was going to call the police if that ever happened again, because he didn’t know how to handle it. I don’t think it happened again as minors although apparently she’s done it multiple times in the past year or two to OB (I usually deescalate in the moment when I see her heading that way and pick it up again later.) So, pretty crappy example to grow up with regarding how to be married. In my own marriage, imperfect but generally happy, I don’t gaslight and I try very hard not to become defensive. I have caught myself falling into the victim mentality a couple of times and I fight that temptation since I noticed it. DH will occasionally get defensive over fairly minor things, but he will walk away to process rather than take it out on me. All the best, to rae and gira and anyone struggling with this. EDIT: I don’t have a specific timeframe to offer.
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