what are you doing right now?

[soupandstew]

Sometimes at our community association we hear things the average person doesn't.  For years a certain slumlord has been the bane of our existence.  We noticed this week that one of his many junk properties was for sale at an unbelievably low price - basically lot value.  So someone called the listing realtor (to wish her a happy Thanksgiving, of course) and she disclosed it's being sold as a tear-down.  While looking quite OK on the outside, it appears the last tenants weren't happy about their eviction notice and left Mr. Slumlord a goodby present by pouring Sakrete down the sinks, tubs, toilets, washer etc.  The interior and exterior sewer drains are now solid concrete from the fixture to the city main which will run about $25,000 to replace.  And the City is considering action against Mr. Slumlord for damage to the city main.  We were just heartbroken to hear that Mother Karma had dumped on this fine gentleman    

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Nov 21, 2023 16:51:57 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

Nov 21, 2023 16:42:01 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

My FIL fell down an embankment in front of the house.  If a neighbor hadn't seen the 4 wheeler out there and called SIL he probably would have died out there. 

God forbid if the damn thing had tipped over.

He laid on the floor overnight last time.  He managed to crawl to the phone for help.   This time he fell in the bathroom, where a good majority of old people end up dying because they crack their heads.  

Like it or not at least so far in my experience not wanting to have restrictions ends up with you being forced to and living in a way that you never wanted to.   I cannot understand WHY people feel that is better than swallowing your pride now and using a walker.   Everyone likes to think it won't happen. I've seen it THREE times in a year and might end up seeing it a fourth time.

Damn straight when I get old if I need a walker I am using it.  Anything to avoid what I have seen comes from being stubborn and refusing to accept you are aging.

Not to mention a hell of a lot less stress and burden on family who are expected to run every time you fall.

Is it there life?  Sure.  Do I resent the ever loving FUCK out of them for what they have put me, my dad and my husband through and will that forever taint my memory of them?  Yes.

fuck, kid. first off, 

how is FIL tonight? I apologize, I missed your earlier post. will he be okay? 

now, yes - def question the necessity of in-home help. please absolutely stick to your boundaries, and insist that you guys not be the first contact if you can't be there 24/7 (which you also shouldn't at all feel guilty for not being able to...) 

He's okay this time.  He wasn't down long.  He gets vertigo really badly.  I read DH the riot act because I am shocked there aren't bars freaking everywhere in that house after his mom.  He also needs to start using a walker whether he wants to or not.  That is what that type of walker is for that his mom had.

I just . . .it's his life and his choice but you have kids.  You have grandkids.  You have great grandkids.   Gwen is still traumatized over the Thanksgiving where we found my grandmother.  We don't need to go over to FIL's house someday and find the same thing.  I'd never forgive him for it.

At least he is apparently cooperating wearing the life alert because that is what let them know he fell again.  Small step in the right direction.

[chiver78]

Nov 21, 2023 16:59:19 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Nov 21, 2023 16:51:57 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

fuck, kid. first off, 

how is FIL tonight? I apologize, I missed your earlier post. will he be okay? 

now, yes - def question the necessity of in-home help. please absolutely stick to your boundaries, and insist that you guys not be the first contact if you can't be there 24/7 (which you also shouldn't at all feel guilty for not being able to...) 

He's okay this time.  He wasn't down long.  He gets vertigo really badly.  I read DH the riot act because I am shocked there aren't bars freaking everywhere in that house after his mom.  He also needs to start using a walker whether he wants to or not.  That is what that type of walker is for that his mom had.

I just . . .it's his life and his choice but you have kids.  You have grandkids.  You have great grandkids.   Gwen is still traumatized over the Thanksgiving where we found my grandmother.  We don't need to go over to FIL's house someday and find the same thing.  I'd never forgive him for it.

At least he is apparently cooperating wearing the life alert because that is what let them know he fell again.  Small step in the right direction.

whoo.....this alone is reason for him to pull his head out of his ass. I'm sorry. I'm happy to see he's wearing the Life Alert, at least. but this man needs to be slapped upside the head otherwise. 

[Opti]

Nov 21, 2023 10:26:02 GMT -5 Opti said:

Nov 21, 2023 10:01:39 GMT -5 CCL said:

I hope this helps you feel better.

Me too. Planning bus trip now to pick up scrip. Hope I beat the rain and the bus is close to schedule both ways.

Guess what? Tomorrow is a bus trip to the dentist. I have crunched off small pieces of back molar probably out of stress and lack of regular dental care. Pray for me tomorrow too please.

[azucena]

Nov 21, 2023 16:54:37 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

Sometimes at our community association we hear things the average person doesn't.  For years a certain slumlord has been the bane of our existence.  We noticed this week that one of his many junk properties was for sale at an unbelievably low price - basically lot value.  So someone called the listing realtor (to wish her a happy Thanksgiving, of course) and she disclosed it's being sold as a tear-down.  While looking quite OK on the outside, it appears the last tenants weren't happy about their eviction notice and left Mr. Slumlord a goodby present by pouring Sakrete down the sinks, tubs, toilets, washer etc.  The interior and exterior sewer drains are now solid concrete from the fixture to the city main which will run about $25,000 to replace.  And the City is considering action against Mr. Slumlord for damage to the city main.  We were just heartbroken to hear that Mother Karma had dumped on this fine gentleman    

That's some funny karma. Thx for sharing.

[toomuchreality]

Nov 21, 2023 12:48:35 GMT -5 Opti said:

Nov 21, 2023 12:45:14 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

The Walmart near me, sells cheese cake etc, with 3 slices. That's what I usually buy. I hope you find something that you like.

Great minds!    I like pumpkin pie but I am sensitive to its ingredients sometimes. Pie filling needs to be made without dairy. I can live with a little butter made crust, but if I am sick like now its on the avoid list. Being older means more things seem to cause inflammation and mess with your health.

I like the Daiya non dairy cheesecake too, but it is pricey and per some taste test only the lime will make regular folk happy.

I'm going to send you a private message. 😊 I have a couple of questions for you. Thanks!

[andi9899]

Nov 21, 2023 16:41:20 GMT -5 Opti said:

Nov 21, 2023 16:32:38 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I get not wanting to live restricted. At some point you have to admit you need help though. What if the next fall is the one that kills her? She hit her head pretty hard last time and went to the hospital. They couldn't find anything wrong with her that would explain the fall. What does that leave? Not using the damn walker like I told her to.

Do you really think I haven't told my sister and niece to do it? My mom will do it when nobody is home. Or she won't push back if my niece gripes about it. I've literally told my niece to get off her lazy ass and do what her grandmother tells her to do or else my foot will promptly be going up her ass. That usually gets her moving because I mean it and she couldn't take me on her best day.

So should I just wait for her to fall down the basement stairs and die for some stupid laundry? That doesn't really sound like a good option.

Do you know old people? People in general? No one has to admit anything. I will not share my dad saga which is partly self inflicted because he is too proud to reach out. 

Reality? If the next fall kills her she will be dead. However, it is far more likely it will just be part of her personal journey. You cannot control other people, so my opinion is do not try. You have told everyone what should not happen and IMO you need to let it all play out. It's your mom's life not yours. And if she is willing to die or be permantly damaged over some laundry so be it.

You obviously don't understand my family dynamics. What she does directly affects me. I don't know how your family works, but mine takes care of each other. If she falls and becomes (more) disabled, my sister and I will have to do the caretaking. Dad will too obviously, but we all know most men are pretty useless when life gets hard.

If and when she gets to the point where she (or my dad) needs around to the clock care, she and my dad will come live with me and we'll hire a nurse. We don't put our family in nursing homes and assisted living. Not judging people who do, every situation is different for everyone. Culturally and also specific to my family, it's just not what we do. So I'm allowed to clean up the mess and alter my life so that she doesn't have to just use a damn walker?! Make that make sense.

[andi9899]

Remember how I had the incompetent assistant at the last place I worked? Guess who got fired. I guess he's going to sue saying he was discriminated against because he's disabled. No, he wasn't fired much earlier because he's disabled and they had to give him a ton more chances than anyone else so that it could be proven that he wasn't discriminated against. I just got done gossiping with an ex coworker about it.

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 21, 2023 10:43:24 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 20, 2023 21:36:17 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Mister and I just had a conversation. I told him that I’d be a damn fool to be over 25 years in with my employer, and able to retire in 5-7 years, to give the retirement money and benefits up by giving up my job, and let all of that go, trying to mooch off of him. That just doesn’t even make logical sense. I am so deeply offended, not only because of the implications that I am a gold digger, but because he must also think I am stupid and a dummy and not intelligent at all, if he thinks I’ve dealt with all the shit I have with my employer, for all these years, to now just give up the end goal….. a decent retirement with benefits that many jobs these days don’t offer….. when I am so close to the light at the end of the tunnel. Just to suddenly be trifling and try to mooch off of and depend on him. Like I am BooBoo the Fool.

If I were willing to be objective and honest , I would say that overall, the conversation was productive, but I am ornery enough these days, angry enough all over again, and still so deep in my feelings, that I really want to say that it’s still all a bunch of BULLSHIT.

How did I even get here?!

Did he really say that again?! Please let me punch him in the face! I'll fly myself down there and back. Did you remind him that you made more money than him when you got together? How were you to know that his income would go up so much? You could have found a guy with a bunch of money up front if you were trying to be a gold digger. He didn't have any gold to dig then, yet you chose him. That pisses me off for you.

I don’t really remember how the conversation started, but I don’t think he actually said it again, it’s just been the elephant in the room for a while now, and always on MY mind, among other things.So I may have brought it up myself while we were talking. Mind you, I still don’t really like him right now, so I am in no way trying to cover for him. I just don’t want to lie on him either.

He did say last night that the thing that made him feel that way was that a conversation never took place. I told him I couldn’t tell him “hey, I’m not going to work much for a while and my money will be funny, so you’ll have to pick up my slack”, because I never even thought myself that things would go the way they did. I went to a GI doctor to try to find out what was going and and what I could do to fix it, I’m not sure what else I was supposed to do. And the whole time, every single night during this whole mess, I ALWAYS planned and prepared to go to work the next day. But then I would start having issues around 2 or 3am, and back then I had to be at work at 6am, and my issues lasted well into the morning or even late afternoon. So I’d plan and prepare that night, to go to work the next day. Rinse and repeat. I even went so far as to stop eating anything at all on my days off work, so I could go to work on “my” Monday, because I’d figured out that if my stomach was completely empty, it didn’t act up. Which is why I ended up losing so much weight so rapidly. But that wasn’t sustainable, because after working the first day of my work week, I would be starving because of the physical exertion. And around and around I went. 

But I was trying every.fucking.day, and I could not tell him what I did not know, that it would take so long for me to get answers. I still feel like he should know me well enough to not make up his own stories, especially when he saw me laying around crying about my stomach and he knew that my greedy self eventually just stopped eating for days at a time.

When he was talking about a conversation not being had, he said that even if I just told him I don’t want to work anymore, he would’ve said okay. That is when I told him, he’ll no, I don’t want to work, and it’s no secret that I don’t like my job, but I’d be a damn fool to just let it all go now. It is my intention to retire, and have all the benefits my jobs offers regarding that, I’d be stupid to just stop working when I’m so close. I want and like having my OWN money, even if it is less than his. Having my own money is very important to me, and if he doesn’t understand that about me, and how my sense of pride works, idk what to tell him.

You are right that he didn’t have any gold to dig, when we first got together. I was digging my own gold, and not worried about his. You are also right that if I was a gold digger, I would’ve chosen someone with deeper pockets at the time. In fact, like I’ve said before, I’ve dated men before him that had deeper pockets back then, than his are now. I didn’t take any of them seriously, regardless of what they said they wanted, because I was not trying to be serious with anyone, including Mister for the first year or so after I met him. And I only entertained taking him seriously, because HE said that’s what HE wanted. And the timing was right, and I liked him enough to consider it. And that was based on where he was at the time, making less money than me. I never imagined his income would become what it is now. Hell, he didn’t either, and HE can’t really wrap his own mind around it.

Anyway, thank you so much for having my back. I keep telling you no, don’t get him yet, mostly because I’m not entirely sure that you aren’t serious lol. So if I ever say “yep, have at him”, you will know that it really means something.

[andi9899]

Nov 21, 2023 16:42:01 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Nov 21, 2023 16:32:38 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I get not wanting to live restricted. At some point you have to admit you need help though. What if the next fall is the one that kills her? She hit her head pretty hard last time and went to the hospital. They couldn't find anything wrong with her that would explain the fall. What does that leave? Not using the damn walker like I told her to.

Do you really think I haven't told my sister and niece to do it? My mom will do it when nobody is home. Or she won't push back if my niece gripes about it. I've literally told my niece to get off her lazy ass and do what her grandmother tells her to do or else my foot will promptly be going up her ass. That usually gets her moving because I mean it and she couldn't take me on her best day.

So should I just wait for her to fall down the basement stairs and die for some stupid laundry? That doesn't really sound like a good option.

My FIL fell down an embankment in front of the house.  If a neighbor hadn't seen the 4 wheeler out there and called SIL he probably would have died out there. 

God forbid if the damn thing had tipped over.

He laid on the floor overnight last time.  He managed to crawl to the phone for help.   This time he fell in the bathroom, where a good majority of old people end up dying because they crack their heads.  

Like it or not at least so far in my experience not wanting to have restrictions ends up with you being forced to and living in a way that you never wanted to.   I cannot understand WHY people feel that is better than swallowing your pride now and using a walker.   Everyone likes to think it won't happen. I've seen it THREE times in a year and might end up seeing it a fourth time.

Damn straight when I get old if I need a walker I am using it.  Anything to avoid what I have seen comes from being stubborn and refusing to accept you are aging.

Not to mention a hell of a lot less stress and burden on family who are expected to run every time you fall.

Is it there life?  Sure.  Do I resent the ever loving FUCK out of them for what they have put me, my dad and my husband through and will that forever taint my memory of them?  Yes.

Exactly! For someone who "doesn't want to be a burden" having to completely change my life to provide you with a safe living situation is not a burden?! I don't mind taking care of my aging parents, but come on! At least do something to prolong that happening. I've decided that I'm going to be as healthy and as mobile as possible for as long as I can. I'm going to get old one day, but at least I'll be able to live my life my way as long as I can before I have to ask for help.

[soupandstew]

Nov 21, 2023 18:02:10 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Nov 21, 2023 10:43:24 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Did he really say that again?! Please let me punch him in the face! I'll fly myself down there and back. Did you remind him that you made more money than him when you got together? How were you to know that his income would go up so much? You could have found a guy with a bunch of money up front if you were trying to be a gold digger. He didn't have any gold to dig then, yet you chose him. That pisses me off for you.

I don’t really remember how the conversation started, but I don’t think he actually said it again, it’s just been the elephant in the room for a while now, and always on MY mind, among other things.So I may have brought it up myself while we were talking. Mind you, I still don’t really like him right now, so I am in no way trying to cover for him. I just don’t want to lie on him either.

He did say last night that the thing that made him feel that way was that a conversation never took place. I told him I couldn’t tell him “hey, I’m not going to work much for a while and my money will be funny, so you’ll have to pick up my slack”, because I never even thought myself that things would go the way they did. I went to a GI doctor to try to find out what was going and and what I could do to fix it, I’m not sure what else I was supposed to do. And the whole time, every single night during this whole mess, I ALWAYS planned and prepared to go to work the next day. But then I would start having issues around 2 or 3am, and back then I had to be at work at 6am, and my issues lasted well into the morning or even late afternoon. So I’d plan and prepare that night, to go to work the next day. Rinse and repeat. I even went so far as to stop eating anything at all on my days off work, so I could go to work on “my” Monday, because I’d figured out that if my stomach was completely empty, it didn’t act up. Which is why I ended up losing so much weight so rapidly. But that wasn’t sustainable, because after working the first day of my work week, I would be starving because of the physical exertion. And around and around I went. 

But I was trying every.fucking.day, and I could not tell him what I did not know, that it would take so long for me to get answers. I still feel like he should know me well enough to not make up his own stories, especially when he saw me laying around crying about my stomach and he knew that my greedy self eventually just stopped eating for days at a time.

When he was talking about a conversation not being had, he said that even if I just told him I don’t want to work anymore, he would’ve said okay. That is when I told him, he’ll no, I don’t want to work, and it’s no secret that I don’t like my job, but I’d be a damn fool to just let it all go now. It is my intention to retire, and have all the benefits my jobs offers regarding that, I’d be stupid to just stop working when I’m so close. I want and like having my OWN money, even if it is less than his. Having my own money is very important to me, and if he doesn’t understand that about me, and how my sense of pride works, idk what to tell him.

You are right that he didn’t have any gold to dig, when we first got together. I was digging my own gold, and not worried about his. You are also right that if I was a gold digger, I would’ve chosen someone with deeper pockets at the time. In fact, like I’ve said before, I’ve dated men before him that had deeper pockets back then, than his are now. I didn’t take any of them seriously, regardless of what they said they wanted, because I was not trying to be serious with anyone, including Mister for the first year or so after I met him. And I only entertained taking him seriously, because HE said that’s what HE wanted. And the timing was right, and I liked him enough to consider it. And that was based on where he was at the time, making less money than me. I never imagined his income would become what it is now. Hell, he didn’t either, and HE can’t really wrap his own mind around it.

Anyway, thank you so much for having my back. I keep telling you no, don’t get him yet, mostly because I’m not entirely sure that you aren’t serious lol. So if I ever say “yep, have at him”, you will know that it really means something.

I think the bolded text is a lot of the problem, his problem.  He can't really wrap his head around where he is in life which is okay.  Except he doesn't get to project his fears and confusion on you or anyone else while he tries to get his shit together.  I get that he maybe worries about his brother and his ex and other folks trying to take advantage of his new-found $$, but if he can't see the difference between you and those losers, I'm sorry for his blindness.  

[busymom]

If balance becomes an issue for me as I age, you bet your sweet life I'll use a walker.  Take a bad fall, and off to the nursing home you go.  I've seen too many spend the end of their lives in nursing homes, when just maybe getting assistance at home, and actually using canes & walkers would've allowed you to stay in your own home longer.  

[TheOtherMe]

My 90 year old cousin has several walkers and many canes in her house.  She knows she needs because she has fallen numerous times.  

She doesn't always use them and that is why she falls.  

I hope I won't be like that but I watched my dad's mind change after mom died.  I don't know how my old person brain will work.

I also learned that you can never say you won't put a family member in a nursing home.  You don't know what is going to happen.  When dad was going to need a nurse 24/7, there was no way he could pay for that.  He needed the kind of care that my sister and I could not provide.  So he spent the last 3 weeks of his life in a nursing home where he couldn't see or hear.  No one knows if he was cognizant.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Nov 21, 2023 18:35:56 GMT -5 busymom said:

If balance becomes an issue for me as I age, you bet your sweet life I'll use a walker.  Take a bad fall, and off to the nursing home you go.  I've seen too many spend the end of their lives in nursing homes, when just maybe getting assistance at home, and actually using canes & walkers would've allowed you to stay in your own home longer.  

Hell, I take hiking poles on many of our excursions while on the cruise.  I can walk, but when I get tired, my balance gets off and I find that I don’t move my feet in the same manner.

I don’t need them at home, because I don’t push myself to those extremes.  But I want to see and do as much as I can and my poles help me do it more safely.  If I had these issues at home, you’d be damn sure I’d be using whatever I needed.  I HAVE used them, and while they can be embarrassing, I’ll be damned if I give a fluffy rat’s ass what I think of other people’s opinion.  

[susana1954]

Nov 21, 2023 18:35:56 GMT -5 busymom said:

If balance becomes an issue for me as I age, you bet your sweet life I'll use a walker.  Take a bad fall, and off to the nursing home you go.  I've seen too many spend the end of their lives in nursing homes, when just maybe getting assistance at home, and actually using canes & walkers would've allowed you to stay in your own home longer.  

A walker helps, but never believe that it can completely prevent a fall.  My husband used one and still fell.  I was talking to the neighbor tonight, and his wife has fallen a few times using a walker.  

On a different note, I'm trying to make myself pull the trigger on $6000 worth of new quartz countertops.  That includes a backsplash, which I currently don't have.

The problem is that I don't really care.  I need to change them because the formica ones don't go with my new flooring.  I just couldn't find any LVP that would coordinate with the current countertops and the hardwood in the living/dining room, and I went coordinating with the hardwood.

I know it would be good for resale, but I don't plan on selling this house.  My kids will when they put me in the nursing home you guys keep talking about.  But hopefully that's 15-20 years from now, and quartz will be so yesterday in terms of trends.

[CCL]

Nov 21, 2023 17:18:18 GMT -5 Opti said:

Nov 21, 2023 10:26:02 GMT -5 Opti said:

Me too. Planning bus trip now to pick up scrip. Hope I beat the rain and the bus is close to schedule both ways.

Guess what? Tomorrow is a bus trip to the dentist. I have crunched off small pieces of back molar probably out of stress and lack of regular dental care. Pray for me tomorrow too please.

Oh no. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Maybe it will be an easy fix.

[NastyWoman]

Uncle! She cried. 

Today I had to turn on the heat yet it is only November. But when the indoor high of the day (I was gone most of tbe day and this is the warmest part of the day) is only 62° it is time do do something about it. I am all for saving energy but I am not going to be miserable for it - no way. With my stupid low utility bills to begin with money does not play into this decision.

[NastyWoman]

Nov 21, 2023 18:57:59 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Nov 21, 2023 18:35:56 GMT -5 busymom said:

If balance becomes an issue for me as I age, you bet your sweet life I'll use a walker.  Take a bad fall, and off to the nursing home you go.  I've seen too many spend the end of their lives in nursing homes, when just maybe getting assistance at home, and actually using canes & walkers would've allowed you to stay in your own home longer.  

Hell, I take hiking poles on many of our excursions while on the cruise.  I can walk, but when I get tired, my balance gets off and I find that I don’t move my feet in the same manner.

I don’t need them at home, because I don’t push myself to those extremes.  But I want to see and do as much as I can and my poles help me do it more safely.  If I had these issues at home, you’d be damn sure I’d be using whatever I needed.  I HAVE used them, and while they can be embarrassing, I’ll be damned if I give a fluffy rat’s ass what I think of other people’s opinion.  

My friend and I take walking poles on our weekly hikes. Especially now when the occasional rain can make the paths slippery locally. And anyway  the narrow , somewhat rocky paths we take make the use of walking poles prudent. Neither one of us is a spring chicken and we don't want to risk one (or both) of us getting hurt and having a hard time getting help. There is nothing wrong with using tools to do a job most efficiently, so why should it be different if the "job" is called walking?

[MarionTh230]

DH doesn't have a job at the moment. At some point that will be an issue. But for now, it is freaking glorious!!!

DH has always worked retail. In fact, that is how we met. It also means holidays had to be moved and rearranged according to his work schedule. Not this year! Kiddo is out of school all week and I took off work for the week. We are all home together for 9 days straight! That has never ever happened. Ever.

We have done yard work, housework, crafts, errands, and everything in between. As much, or as little as we want on any day because none of us have anywhere we have to be. I realize my family will get on my nerves at some point because this is a whole heck of a lot of together time, but for right now we are enjoying it!

I evern crocheted a hat for both Kiddo and DH. Two hats! I never have that kind of time and freedom.

Tomorrow we start cooking for Thanksgiving. And DH is here to help! I don't have to cook and entertain Kiddo single handedly while DH is at work! Cornbread, baked sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie, and hummingbird cake need to be made tomorrow and it should be much more do-able with an extra adult around.

My sibling will arrive tomorrow night and stay thru the weekend. All in all this feels like a very good holiday this year. I am still missing my parent very much but I feel like I am finally getting a chance to enjoy my family instead of just working thru the list to make the holiday happen.

[MarionTh230]

Nov 21, 2023 18:04:01 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 21, 2023 16:42:01 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

My FIL fell down an embankment in front of the house.  If a neighbor hadn't seen the 4 wheeler out there and called SIL he probably would have died out there. 

God forbid if the damn thing had tipped over.

He laid on the floor overnight last time.  He managed to crawl to the phone for help.   This time he fell in the bathroom, where a good majority of old people end up dying because they crack their heads.  

Like it or not at least so far in my experience not wanting to have restrictions ends up with you being forced to and living in a way that you never wanted to.   I cannot understand WHY people feel that is better than swallowing your pride now and using a walker.   Everyone likes to think it won't happen. I've seen it THREE times in a year and might end up seeing it a fourth time.

Damn straight when I get old if I need a walker I am using it.  Anything to avoid what I have seen comes from being stubborn and refusing to accept you are aging.

Not to mention a hell of a lot less stress and burden on family who are expected to run every time you fall.

Is it there life?  Sure.  Do I resent the ever loving FUCK out of them for what they have put me, my dad and my husband through and will that forever taint my memory of them?  Yes.

Exactly! For someone who "doesn't want to be a burden" having to completely change my life to provide you with a safe living situation is not a burden?! I don't mind taking care of my aging parents, but come on! At least do something to prolong that happening. I've decided that I'm going to be as healthy and as mobile as possible for as long as I can. I'm going to get old one day, but at least I'll be able to live my life my way as long as I can before I have to ask for help.

I worry a lot about becoming a burden for Kiddo one day. Especially with her being an only child it would be an extremely difficult burden to bare. I'm doing my best to make sure that does not happen but with the price tag that comes with elder care I don't believe this is a situation I can save myself out of. I just hope I do as much as I can to make it easier for her by trying to not be ornery and do as much as possible to have my affairs in order. Hopefully that will make it a bit easier when the time comes for all that.

[MarionTh230]

Nov 21, 2023 18:32:04 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

Nov 21, 2023 18:02:10 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I don’t really remember how the conversation started, but I don’t think he actually said it again, it’s just been the elephant in the room for a while now, and always on MY mind, among other things.So I may have brought it up myself while we were talking. Mind you, I still don’t really like him right now, so I am in no way trying to cover for him. I just don’t want to lie on him either.

He did say last night that the thing that made him feel that way was that a conversation never took place. I told him I couldn’t tell him “hey, I’m not going to work much for a while and my money will be funny, so you’ll have to pick up my slack”, because I never even thought myself that things would go the way they did. I went to a GI doctor to try to find out what was going and and what I could do to fix it, I’m not sure what else I was supposed to do. And the whole time, every single night during this whole mess, I ALWAYS planned and prepared to go to work the next day. But then I would start having issues around 2 or 3am, and back then I had to be at work at 6am, and my issues lasted well into the morning or even late afternoon. So I’d plan and prepare that night, to go to work the next day. Rinse and repeat. I even went so far as to stop eating anything at all on my days off work, so I could go to work on “my” Monday, because I’d figured out that if my stomach was completely empty, it didn’t act up. Which is why I ended up losing so much weight so rapidly. But that wasn’t sustainable, because after working the first day of my work week, I would be starving because of the physical exertion. And around and around I went. 

But I was trying every.fucking.day, and I could not tell him what I did not know, that it would take so long for me to get answers. I still feel like he should know me well enough to not make up his own stories, especially when he saw me laying around crying about my stomach and he knew that my greedy self eventually just stopped eating for days at a time.

When he was talking about a conversation not being had, he said that even if I just told him I don’t want to work anymore, he would’ve said okay. That is when I told him, he’ll no, I don’t want to work, and it’s no secret that I don’t like my job, but I’d be a damn fool to just let it all go now. It is my intention to retire, and have all the benefits my jobs offers regarding that, I’d be stupid to just stop working when I’m so close. I want and like having my OWN money, even if it is less than his. Having my own money is very important to me, and if he doesn’t understand that about me, and how my sense of pride works, idk what to tell him.

You are right that he didn’t have any gold to dig, when we first got together. I was digging my own gold, and not worried about his. You are also right that if I was a gold digger, I would’ve chosen someone with deeper pockets at the time. In fact, like I’ve said before, I’ve dated men before him that had deeper pockets back then, than his are now. I didn’t take any of them seriously, regardless of what they said they wanted, because I was not trying to be serious with anyone, including Mister for the first year or so after I met him. And I only entertained taking him seriously, because HE said that’s what HE wanted. And the timing was right, and I liked him enough to consider it. And that was based on where he was at the time, making less money than me. I never imagined his income would become what it is now. Hell, he didn’t either, and HE can’t really wrap his own mind around it.

Anyway, thank you so much for having my back. I keep telling you no, don’t get him yet, mostly because I’m not entirely sure that you aren’t serious lol. So if I ever say “yep, have at him”, you will know that it really means something.

I think the bolded text is a lot of the problem, his problem.  He can't really wrap his head around where he is in life which is okay.  Except he doesn't get to project his fears and confusion on you or anyone else while he tries to get his shit together.  I get that he maybe worries about his brother and his ex and other folks trying to take advantage of his new-found $$, but if he can't see the difference between you and those losers, I'm sorry for his blindness.  

Yeah, I agree with you. From the outside looking in it certainly seems like a lot of projection due to his own issues with money and users. With a whole bunch of trauma dumped on top for good measure. 

Hugs to you Pink because this sure is a rough situation 

[andi9899]

Nov 21, 2023 18:02:10 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Nov 21, 2023 10:43:24 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Did he really say that again?! Please let me punch him in the face! I'll fly myself down there and back. Did you remind him that you made more money than him when you got together? How were you to know that his income would go up so much? You could have found a guy with a bunch of money up front if you were trying to be a gold digger. He didn't have any gold to dig then, yet you chose him. That pisses me off for you.

I don’t really remember how the conversation started, but I don’t think he actually said it again, it’s just been the elephant in the room for a while now, and always on MY mind, among other things.So I may have brought it up myself while we were talking. Mind you, I still don’t really like him right now, so I am in no way trying to cover for him. I just don’t want to lie on him either.

He did say last night that the thing that made him feel that way was that a conversation never took place. I told him I couldn’t tell him “hey, I’m not going to work much for a while and my money will be funny, so you’ll have to pick up my slack”, because I never even thought myself that things would go the way they did. I went to a GI doctor to try to find out what was going and and what I could do to fix it, I’m not sure what else I was supposed to do. And the whole time, every single night during this whole mess, I ALWAYS planned and prepared to go to work the next day. But then I would start having issues around 2 or 3am, and back then I had to be at work at 6am, and my issues lasted well into the morning or even late afternoon. So I’d plan and prepare that night, to go to work the next day. Rinse and repeat. I even went so far as to stop eating anything at all on my days off work, so I could go to work on “my” Monday, because I’d figured out that if my stomach was completely empty, it didn’t act up. Which is why I ended up losing so much weight so rapidly. But that wasn’t sustainable, because after working the first day of my work week, I would be starving because of the physical exertion. And around and around I went. 

But I was trying every.fucking.day, and I could not tell him what I did not know, that it would take so long for me to get answers. I still feel like he should know me well enough to not make up his own stories, especially when he saw me laying around crying about my stomach and he knew that my greedy self eventually just stopped eating for days at a time.

When he was talking about a conversation not being had, he said that even if I just told him I don’t want to work anymore, he would’ve said okay. That is when I told him, he’ll no, I don’t want to work, and it’s no secret that I don’t like my job, but I’d be a damn fool to just let it all go now. It is my intention to retire, and have all the benefits my jobs offers regarding that, I’d be stupid to just stop working when I’m so close. I want and like having my OWN money, even if it is less than his. Having my own money is very important to me, and if he doesn’t understand that about me, and how my sense of pride works, idk what to tell him.

You are right that he didn’t have any gold to dig, when we first got together. I was digging my own gold, and not worried about his. You are also right that if I was a gold digger, I would’ve chosen someone with deeper pockets at the time. In fact, like I’ve said before, I’ve dated men before him that had deeper pockets back then, than his are now. I didn’t take any of them seriously, regardless of what they said they wanted, because I was not trying to be serious with anyone, including Mister for the first year or so after I met him. And I only entertained taking him seriously, because HE said that’s what HE wanted. And the timing was right, and I liked him enough to consider it. And that was based on where he was at the time, making less money than me. I never imagined his income would become what it is now. Hell, he didn’t either, and HE can’t really wrap his own mind around it.

Anyway, thank you so much for having my back. I keep telling you no, don’t get him yet, mostly because I’m not entirely sure that you aren’t serious lol. So if I ever say “yep, have at him”, you will know that it really means something.

Has your stomach bothered you since Mr Messy died. I swear all your issues were due to the stress he and his family put on you. You didn't choose to have health issues. And you know if you did quit he'd really be calling you a gold digger. You strike me as having too much pride to depend on a man.

[weltz]

Some guy just knocked on my door, and said he's from Bell Telephone. He's here to check my internet.
He's definitely NOT from Bell Telephone. 
I didn't let him in.

[jerseygirl]

Had experience using a walker after surgery. Was grateful I had it cause really difficult to walk alone. So maybe since I had that experience already I’ll use if needed again

[jerseygirl]

Nov 21, 2023 17:18:18 GMT -5 Opti said:

Nov 21, 2023 10:26:02 GMT -5 Opti said:

Me too. Planning bus trip now to pick up scrip. Hope I beat the rain and the bus is close to schedule both ways.

Guess what? Tomorrow is a bus trip to the dentist. I have crunched off small pieces of back molar probably out of stress and lack of regular dental care. Pray for me tomorrow too please.

Ouch!

Hoping dentist visit is successful quick and cheap

[Opti]

It will be cheap because it will be an initial visit. The cost part might come into play for a future visit when it gets fixed/plan to fix comes into play.

I just chose the lower dental plan at work for 2024 so I hope expensive needed crap can wait.

[soupandstew]

I am grateful for all my many blessings, but impulse control is not among them.  Therefore I am shutting down my computer before I am tempted to post a laughing emoji on a director's latest stupid comment on NextDoor.  Good night y'all!

[TheOtherMe]

Each blood clot in my leg made it painful to walk.  My sister brought over mom's walker.  Yes, I used it.  I will use it again.

It's still here, but I have not felt the need to use it for some time.

[weltz]

I bouht a walker from Amazon when it was so painful to walk. It helped a lot, and had a seat built in.

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 21, 2023 19:47:50 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 21, 2023 18:02:10 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I don’t really remember how the conversation started, but I don’t think he actually said it again, it’s just been the elephant in the room for a while now, and always on MY mind, among other things.So I may have brought it up myself while we were talking. Mind you, I still don’t really like him right now, so I am in no way trying to cover for him. I just don’t want to lie on him either.

He did say last night that the thing that made him feel that way was that a conversation never took place. I told him I couldn’t tell him “hey, I’m not going to work much for a while and my money will be funny, so you’ll have to pick up my slack”, because I never even thought myself that things would go the way they did. I went to a GI doctor to try to find out what was going and and what I could do to fix it, I’m not sure what else I was supposed to do. And the whole time, every single night during this whole mess, I ALWAYS planned and prepared to go to work the next day. But then I would start having issues around 2 or 3am, and back then I had to be at work at 6am, and my issues lasted well into the morning or even late afternoon. So I’d plan and prepare that night, to go to work the next day. Rinse and repeat. I even went so far as to stop eating anything at all on my days off work, so I could go to work on “my” Monday, because I’d figured out that if my stomach was completely empty, it didn’t act up. Which is why I ended up losing so much weight so rapidly. But that wasn’t sustainable, because after working the first day of my work week, I would be starving because of the physical exertion. And around and around I went. 

But I was trying every.fucking.day, and I could not tell him what I did not know, that it would take so long for me to get answers. I still feel like he should know me well enough to not make up his own stories, especially when he saw me laying around crying about my stomach and he knew that my greedy self eventually just stopped eating for days at a time.

When he was talking about a conversation not being had, he said that even if I just told him I don’t want to work anymore, he would’ve said okay. That is when I told him, he’ll no, I don’t want to work, and it’s no secret that I don’t like my job, but I’d be a damn fool to just let it all go now. It is my intention to retire, and have all the benefits my jobs offers regarding that, I’d be stupid to just stop working when I’m so close. I want and like having my OWN money, even if it is less than his. Having my own money is very important to me, and if he doesn’t understand that about me, and how my sense of pride works, idk what to tell him.

You are right that he didn’t have any gold to dig, when we first got together. I was digging my own gold, and not worried about his. You are also right that if I was a gold digger, I would’ve chosen someone with deeper pockets at the time. In fact, like I’ve said before, I’ve dated men before him that had deeper pockets back then, than his are now. I didn’t take any of them seriously, regardless of what they said they wanted, because I was not trying to be serious with anyone, including Mister for the first year or so after I met him. And I only entertained taking him seriously, because HE said that’s what HE wanted. And the timing was right, and I liked him enough to consider it. And that was based on where he was at the time, making less money than me. I never imagined his income would become what it is now. Hell, he didn’t either, and HE can’t really wrap his own mind around it.

Anyway, thank you so much for having my back. I keep telling you no, don’t get him yet, mostly because I’m not entirely sure that you aren’t serious lol. So if I ever say “yep, have at him”, you will know that it really means something.

Has your stomach bothered you since Mr Messy died. I swear all your issues were due to the stress he and his family put on you. You didn't choose to have health issues. And you know if you did quit he'd really be calling you a gold digger. You strike me as having too much pride to depend on a man.

Yes, my stomach has bothered me since Mr. Messy died, but not as often, and not always as badly as back then. 

Once the GI Doctor I ended up going to after the first asshole GI Doctor, told me after all the tests I had done, that I should try the FODMAP diet and explained to me why, and told me that my gut issues were likely due to stress, it all made sense. 

The thing is, not long after Mr. Messy died, Mister started being a major asshole. I tried to chalk it up to his grief, but the bottom line is that no matter what a person is going through, that doesn’t give them an excuse to be an asshole to the people that love them, and haven’t wronged them in any way.I felt like that was true, but I was also confused because the only parent I ever really cared about is still living, and I just could not imagine what it must’ve felt like for someone to lose both parents that they loved so much, in such a short amount of time, that I didn’t really push back until I (finally!) had a chance to talk about it with my therapist. She said the same, that Mister’s grief, even when he is angry about everything that happened with his parents and ultimately losing them both, does not mean it was/is okay for him to behave the way he has with me. 

I mean, I always knew it was not okay, but I’d been reading a lot about grief, and while I understood that everybody grieves in their own way, I also understood that anger is often a part of grieving, and I was reading stuff about dealing with that anger as a SO, that made me doubt myself in thinking that grief was still no excuse for being an asshole.

One of the other things I said to him last night, but didn’t go into detail about, was that there have been many times after Mr. Messy died, that I got on the path to regrouping and feeling a bit better mentally (in ways that had nothing to do with him), and as soon as I got to that space, every.single.time. here he came immediately with some BULLSHIT that I hadn’t gotten far enough with what I was trying to do for my own well being, that his shit didn’t stress me out so much that I regressed and my stomach started acted a fool again. I don’t think he ever did it purposefully, because after the gold digger shit came up, I never even shared anything with him that I was doing to try to help myself, besides him knowing I was seeing a counselor. 

So there is a lot that he didn’t and still does not know, that I have been trying to do to help myself, besides going to counseling. I am not even interested in trying to defend myself, by laying all of that out for him. Even the stuff I talk about here, when I have sleepless nights, about using the tips and tools I’ve received from the latest round of assorted therapists, I don’t even share all of that stuff I do, even though it is hit or miss with whether any of it actually works for me. Even when he is in the bedroom with me, he sleeps soundly enough that me trying all of that stuff doesn’t disturb his sleep.

Which makes me want to punch him in his throat some nights, and pretend I did it in my sleep, because he is a big part of the reasons I’ve had so many sleepless nights lately.