what are you doing right now?

[chiver78]

Nov 12, 2023 17:00:06 GMT -5 daisylu said:

chiver78 I say new phone. But I've been salivating over the z flip phones for almost 2 years. I'm shocked you got 5 years out of yours. Mine always seem to have some sort of issues at 3 years.

My YM card was revoked at least a decade ago, and I'm ok with that.

consider that it hasn't really had normal wear and tear for 3 of those years, though. 🤷‍♀️. other than the lemon that wouldn't hold a charge after a few months (x3, with the replacements VZW insisted I try) I have always kept my phones longer than the contract was.

this one seems to be doing okay despite the crack. thr keyboard was acting up when I made this post right when it happened, but that could have just been me being half asleep. idk. I'm going to put tape over the crack so I don't slice a finger on it all, and replace as needed.

oh, and I don't think I ever had a YM card lol... you're good. 🤣

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 12, 2023 16:59:43 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

Nov 12, 2023 16:34:20 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I am flopping around and gasping for breath, like a fish out of sea. I do not feel like my feet are planted on solid ground, for the first time in my adult life. I am not as angry now, I am just really hurt. And the hurt and pain I feel, was really the root of all the anger I have been feeling and expressing since Thursday. 

I am frankly terrified about having to reinvent myself and start over at my age. Mostly because the local housing market is so crazy right now. My biggest concern is where Imma live. My retirement plans are shot to hell if I have to pay a mortgage or rent in retirement. That is why I bailed on the original intention of my house just being a “starter home” and I decided to make it my “forever home”, when I realized my desire and need to retire asap was more important than selling and buying another house. My goal became to not have a mortgage payment in retirement, and paying rent was never even a consideration.

I feel so lost. I don’t exactly feel helpless, but I am realistic enough to know that even though I have a few options to try to help myself, it is near impossible for me to come out ahead of where I could be if I hadn’t been so foolish over the last 8 years. 

I am not okay.

I think I understand what you are saying.  If I do, that's what kept me in my marriage, and I would not recommend that choice to anyone.  The problem is that we all have to make a choice at some point based on the best info we have at the moment.  At a certain point in time we think a person is okay to trust, to build a future with.  Later we realize that was a false assumption, but we didn't have that intel or perspective at the previous time.  

I am only speaking for me, and not judging you or anyone else, but even though I am all over the place right now and trying to figure shit out, one thing I do know is that I will not stay in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship, because of material stuff. 

I have been single for most of my adult life, so somewhere inside of me, I am confident that I can be okay on my own. Before I met Mister and got into all of this shit with him, I was happily single, and thought I would be single for the rest of my life, which I was good with. I was good with us just being FWB after we first met. HE was the one that ended up saying he wanted something more, and I accept that it is still on me that I worked to wrap my mind around having a serious relationship after all the years that I avoided that, and eventually agreed to do it. It was also HIM that started talking about buying a house together, and marriage. That is 100% true. But I still acknowledge and accept that I eventually got on board with both, one much later than than the other. But the fact that I did, means that I have some responsibility too, for the situation I’ve gotten myself into, because there have been many red flags. In hindsight, I should’ve bailed years ago, instead of trusting and trying to believe in him. 

There are reasons besides what I’ve shared here, that I am so upset and angry with him, and I don’t want to get into all of that right now. I feel really crazy at this moment, but I am not actually crazy or stupid, even though I am feeling right now, that I am very much both of those.

[MarionTh230]

You know what Pink? You are right. You are not OK. But, you know what? You will be OK. Eventually. 

Housing markets and interest rates are a mess everywhere right now. That doesn't mean it will still be that way 1 year, 2 years, or 3 years from now. Despite the ordeal with your mother living in your house, you do have equity and value in that piece of real estate that you can utilize at some point. As difficult as the situation might be if it comes to that.

Maybe I'm just a naive eternal optimist, but I am not willing to believe that your retirement plans are completely upside down. Not yet anyways.  Housing in the short term is definitely an ugly situation, but I am holding out hope on the longer outlook.

Past that, I am not sure what else to say. I have been heartbroken over your posts for the past few days. I am glad you have recognized the anger was a response to hurt. That is important for you. It doesn't take the hurt away though. 

You are always welcome to come down my way for a few days. I'll put you up, feed you, let you hang out on my back porch and laugh at how pathetic my garden has gotten. We will have plenty of food for the holidays so setting an extra plate at the table won't have us bat an eyelash.

The only other thing I can do is offer you lots of hugs and prayers. I refuse to believe that this heartbreak will derail you. It will be part of your story, but it will not be your downfall. 

Oh. Also. You are not stupid or foolish. I know it feels that way, but you were not foolish. 

[MarionTh230]

Nov 12, 2023 16:58:53 GMT -5 notagain said:

and just for haha I am having cataract surgery tomorrow and have been dry heaving for 3 days. I know its any easy surgery but the thought of anyone in my eyeballs gives me the Willie's and the heebee jeebees Shudder

My parent had cataract surgery. Both eyes. Two separate procedures. Same as you too feeling not so great about the surgery on the eye aspect of the whole thing.

I actually took off work and took my parent both times. Procedure was seamless both times. The improvement my parent got....yeah they were ecstatic and wondered why they didn't do it sooner.

I am sending you all the good juju, thoughts, and prayers that you have a very easy time and a very good result!!! Hopefully your nerves calm down and you get some good rest tonight too!

[toomuchreality]

Nov 12, 2023 7:28:53 GMT -5 bean29 said:

DD was supposed to work at 5 am this am. She went out with co-workers last night. I was reminding her she had to work at 5 am via text and got told none of them were drinking and she was an adult. It was well after midnight when she got home. I got up to let the dog out at 3:30 am and heard her alarm go off. I went back to bed w/o making sure she got up. She left the house at like 5:33. I would have got her up if I hadn’t fallen asleep, but I kind of decided she could be an “Adult” when I went back to bed. I slept like crap from worrying about her. Awake but feel like crap and feel guilty for letting her be late.

I'd have done the same thing.

[notagain]

Pink when was the last time you had a vacation?I think you need some me time that doesn't have to.be expensive. If we lived closer I would be seeing you on wednesday

[NastyWoman]

Nov 12, 2023 16:34:20 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I am flopping around and gasping for breath, like a fish out of sea. I do not feel like my feet are planted on solid ground, for the first time in my adult life. I am not as angry now, I am just really hurt. And the hurt and pain I feel, was really the root of all the anger I have been feeling and expressing since Thursday. 

I am frankly terrified about having to reinvent myself and start over at my age. Mostly because the local housing market is so crazy right now. My biggest concern is where Imma live. My retirement plans are shot to hell if I have to pay a mortgage or rent in retirement. That is why I bailed on the original intention of my house just being a “starter home” and I decided to make it my “forever home”, when I realized my desire and need to retire asap was more important than selling and buying another house. My goal became to not have a mortgage payment in retirement, and paying rent was never even a consideration.

I feel so lost. I don’t exactly feel helpless, but I am realistic enough to know that even though I have a few options to try to help myself, it is near impossible for me to come out ahead of where I could be if I hadn’t been so foolish over the last 8 years. 

I am not okay.

That is correct but you will be. Girl you are so far ahead of where I was at your age, yet here I am doing absolutely fine. Take a bit of time to work through the worst of your hurt and keep putting one foot in front of the other. It will be scary at times but you KNOW you can do this - you have done it before and this time you will have your hive (that would be us) to bounce any ideas off when you are in doubt. 

There is a very large group of people here who have your back.

YOU CAN AND WILL BE OKAY! 

[notagain]

thanks everyone for the positive thoughts I know it will go well but........I'll check in tomorrow

[minnesotapaintlady]

Nov 12, 2023 18:01:01 GMT -5 notagain said:

thanks everyone for the positive thoughts I know it will go well but........I'll check in tomorrow

The last time I was at the eye doctor they said I had a cataract starting in one eye that would need to be removed eventually.  I am also not thrilled at the idea of eye surgery at all.  I have phobias of medical procedures as it is.  However, my dad just had both eyes done and said it was a piece of cake and he can see so much better. 

[notagain]

thanks everyone for the positive thoughts I know it will go well but........I'll check in tomorrow

[weltz]

Nov 12, 2023 16:34:20 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I am flopping around and gasping for breath, like a fish out of sea. I do not feel like my feet are planted on solid ground, for the first time in my adult life. I am not as angry now, I am just really hurt. And the hurt and pain I feel, was really the root of all the anger I have been feeling and expressing since Thursday. 

I am frankly terrified about having to reinvent myself and start over at my age. Mostly because the local housing market is so crazy right now. My biggest concern is where Imma live. My retirement plans are shot to hell if I have to pay a mortgage or rent in retirement. That is why I bailed on the original intention of my house just being a “starter home” and I decided to make it my “forever home”, when I realized my desire and need to retire asap was more important than selling and buying another house. My goal became to not have a mortgage payment in retirement, and paying rent was never even a consideration.

I feel so lost. I don’t exactly feel helpless, but I am realistic enough to know that even though I have a few options to try to help myself, it is near impossible for me to come out ahead of where I could be if I hadn’t been so foolish over the last 8 years. 

I am not okay.

Sorry, Pink.

[NastyWoman]

Nov 12, 2023 18:01:01 GMT -5 notagain said:

thanks everyone for the positive thoughts I know it will go well but........I'll check in tomorrow

Yes you will be fine but I do remember my total panic at that surgery. If you can have someone with you all the way until they get kicked out and keep talking about everything and anything. My BFF and I discussed vacations - the ones in the past, the future, and those we will definitely never take. Note that we have never gone on vacation together and we like very different things (think visiting the Borobodur v. going clubbing) so lots to talk about. Anything to keep your mind of the surgery. And they do sedate you so that helps a lot!

[weltz]

Nov 12, 2023 17:21:17 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Nov 12, 2023 16:58:53 GMT -5 notagain said:

and just for haha I am having cataract surgery tomorrow and have been dry heaving for 3 days. I know its any easy surgery but the thought of anyone in my eyeballs gives me the Willie's and the heebee jeebees Shudder

I have had very bad eyesight since I was a young child. I wore very thick glasses even when I was in first grade. I am very weird about anything I perceive as a potential threat to my eyeballs, because I am very protective of what little natural vision I do have. So I understand your Willie’s and heebie jeebies, even if the root causes are different.

But, I will also say that both my Grandmom and my Mom had surgeries for cataracts, and both surgeries were successful, with no issues, and neither of them regretted it. 

I completely understand you being wary about it, and if I could come hold your hand and try to assure you that it will be okay, I would.

I was a straight A student in school and then suddenly started failing. My parents were upset, and the teacher suggested they take me to have my eyes checked.  Turns out, I couldn't see the blackboard.

[finnime]

What has been said so clearly and lovingly, Pink Cashmere--you are not okay, but: you will be okay. You'll be fine and your life will be sweet. You've done very hard things before and did them well. Your kids are adults, self-supporting and capable, and you raised them on your own. You've been working hard your entire life in demanding positions. You own a home that, even if you don't want to live in it, can be a source of money for you now, either by borrowing against it for a time or renting out a room, or something. You've been a good and giving friend and family when it was challenging. You will get through this quagmire.


notagain, I'll see you in the wee hours right here. Get some sleep in the meantime. All will be well.

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 12, 2023 17:17:51 GMT -5 daisylu said:

Nov 12, 2023 16:34:20 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I am flopping around and gasping for breath, like a fish out of sea. I do not feel like my feet are planted on solid ground, for the first time in my adult life. I am not as angry now, I am just really hurt. And the hurt and pain I feel, was really the root of all the anger I have been feeling and expressing since Thursday. 

I am frankly terrified about having to reinvent myself and start over at my age. Mostly because the local housing market is so crazy right now. My biggest concern is where Imma live. My retirement plans are shot to hell if I have to pay a mortgage or rent in retirement. That is why I bailed on the original intention of my house just being a “starter home” and I decided to make it my “forever home”, when I realized my desire and need to retire asap was more important than selling and buying another house. My goal became to not have a mortgage payment in retirement, and paying rent was never even a consideration.

I feel so lost. I don’t exactly feel helpless, but I am realistic enough to know that even though I have a few options to try to help myself, it is near impossible for me to come out ahead of where I could be if I hadn’t been so foolish over the last 8 years. 

I am not okay.

My phone has been wonky and I could not reply to your earlier posts. I'm very sorry that you are going through all of this. I'm especially sad that trying to have a conversation with Mister turned into him trying to turn things back on you. That is destructive behavior. My original suggestion was going to ask if you could get away for a day or 2 at your daughter's, but it sounds like you are just done. IME, it takes a lot for a woman to get to that point and once she is there there is no going back.
Looking back changes nothing and is a waste of time, IME. If I read correctly it sounds like you have no "legal" stake in this house, which also means you can walk away without further financial issues. Starting over is difficult and scary but I have no doubt you can handle it and it is better to be starting over in a better head space, which will hopefully help your current physical issues, while you are able to continue to work and not 100% locked in financially to someone who does not appreciate you.

Sending hugs and praying for you my friend. ❤️

I somehow missed this post and others, I guess because I skipped to the post about eye surgery. 

Right now, I feel like have have no choice besides being done, since I am not willing to waste even more years of my life with things as they have been. Things that I was not even aware of, thinking and believing things that were not true. 

You are correct, I have no legal stake in this house. I didn’t push the issue when we bought it, because it was bought using a VA loan, and insisting I be included on the loan and/or the deed would’ve made things more complicated. I researched all of that myself at the time, and I trusted him, so it wasn’t a big deal to me at the time.

Thank you for your kindness, moral support, and the hugs and prayers. 

[busymom]

Nov 12, 2023 17:23:12 GMT -5 notagain said:

Yea busy mom i have peeps but the thing that bothers me is I'm only 65 and my brain is 35 and the two are not connecting

     Glad I'm not the only one here who feels I am a lot younger than I am.      Everyone else is getting old.  Not us.  

[toomuchreality]

I know it's not much, but I'm sending good thoughts and hugs to all of you, who want, or need them.

My phone is not playing well with proboards. I can read, but not reply, without going to a different device. So I'm just reading, for the most part.

I really do care about you all, or I wouldn't be here.

Sending love and hugs. ♡❤♡

[weltz]

Nov 12, 2023 16:34:20 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I am flopping around and gasping for breath, like a fish out of sea. I do not feel like my feet are planted on solid ground, for the first time in my adult life. I am not as angry now, I am just really hurt. And the hurt and pain I feel, was really the root of all the anger I have been feeling and expressing since Thursday. 

I am frankly terrified about having to reinvent myself and start over at my age. Mostly because the local housing market is so crazy right now. My biggest concern is where Imma live. My retirement plans are shot to hell if I have to pay a mortgage or rent in retirement. That is why I bailed on the original intention of my house just being a “starter home” and I decided to make it my “forever home”, when I realized my desire and need to retire asap was more important than selling and buying another house. My goal became to not have a mortgage payment in retirement, and paying rent was never even a consideration.

I feel so lost. I don’t exactly feel helpless, but I am realistic enough to know that even though I have a few options to try to help myself, it is near impossible for me to come out ahead of where I could be if I hadn’t been so foolish over the last 8 years. 

I am not okay.

I've done it 4 times.  The worse was when I moved back to Canada with a 4 year old.   I left EVERYTHING behind, just had one small bag and a little child.
You'll be fine.

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 12, 2023 17:48:30 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

You know what Pink? You are right. You are not OK. But, you know what? You will be OK. Eventually. 

Housing markets and interest rates are a mess everywhere right now. That doesn't mean it will still be that way 1 year, 2 years, or 3 years from now. Despite the ordeal with your mother living in your house, you do have equity and value in that piece of real estate that you can utilize at some point. As difficult as the situation might be if it comes to that.

Maybe I'm just a naive eternal optimist, but I am not willing to believe that your retirement plans are completely upside down. Not yet anyways.  Housing in the short term is definitely an ugly situation, but I am holding out hope on the longer outlook.

Past that, I am not sure what else to say. I have been heartbroken over your posts for the past few days. I am glad you have recognized the anger was a response to hurt. That is important for you. It doesn't take the hurt away though. 

You are always welcome to come down my way for a few days. I'll put you up, feed you, let you hang out on my back porch and laugh at how pathetic my garden has gotten. We will have plenty of food for the holidays so setting an extra plate at the table won't have us bat an eyelash.

The only other thing I can do is offer you lots of hugs and prayers. I refuse to believe that this heartbreak will derail you. It will be part of your story, but it will not be your downfall. 

Oh. Also. You are not stupid or foolish. I know it feels that way, but you were not foolish. 

The kindness you and other posters are showing me, has me crying me again, I have cried rivers over the last few days. 

Unfortunately, the at least “comfortable” retirement I have been planning, really is at risk. There are several reasons I don’t want to live in my house again, but one thing is that I absolutely can not bear sharing a home with my Mom again, I don’t care if that makes me sound like a horrible person, it is the truth, regardless of what it says about me. 

Once I decided that staying in that house would allow me to retire asap, it became an important part of my retirement planning. Even when I try to look on the bright side, being that I still have it as an asset, the facts are that 1. I don’t see me being happy living there again and 2. it is not worth enough that moving again will not derail my plans if I don’t move there. I’m not being pessimistic, I am just stating facts.

I really, really appreciate you offering me a place to visit, to get away for a few days, and I also really appreciate your offer of hugs and prayers. Thank you so much for all of that.

If I dig deep, I know that I will find the soldier in me again, and knowing that that soldier is there, even piled under piles of rubble, means that on some level, I know that somehow, in one way or another, I will eventually be okay. 

My logical brain knows that, somewhere in the back of my mind, but right now, my heart and emotions are screaming way louder and demanding my attention. I have to find a way to put all of that emotional shit aside, so I can listen to my brain instead, and try to figure out where I go from here. 

Does that make sense? I ask, because maybe I am really a crazy person right now, since the only thing I know for sure right now, is that I feel incapable of really thinking clearly about anything. Because really, my mind has been telling me to just get in my car that I very clearly own myself, and drive anywhere from 3 to 14 hours away, to somewhere that I know I could have a safe place to lay my head until I found a job in the area and got my shit together again. That’s real talk, even though I also understand that it’s not really rational thinking. But that’s where I’m at right now. 

Anyway, thank you so much, and thank you to everyone else here that has offered advice and support. I love you all for that.

[susana1954]

Pink Cashmere, I've been trying to mostly be quiet, but the tension between you and Mister has been going on for over a year.  Maybe longr than that.  Don't I remember a time when you had a much "friendlier" nickname for him on here that you changed because of how he had been treating you?  Anyway, you are a strong woman.  You have our love and support; this is your "safe" place for working things out.

On a different note, it is people like me that keep the trades in business.  The hall toilet was "ghost flushing" in the middle of the night, and I mentioned to my BFF that I was going to call the plumber in the next week or two.  She encouraged me to watch a few youtube videos and fix it myself.  Oh, sure.  But I decided that if it simply needed a new flapper, I could probably do it . . . despite the fact that the last time I DIYed a flapper, I left the chain too long and ended up calling a plumber, anyway, because I didn't know that was the problem.

And I did it . . . replaced the flapper, I mean.  Now whether it "fixed" the ghost flushing remains to be seen, but the new flapper works and the toilet works.  And I used the old closing mechanism to temporarily shorten the chain so it won't wrap around something it shouldn't.  I will dig through the boxes in the garage tomorrow to see if I kept the tin snips.  I left most of DH's tools so I may not have.  If I didn't, I will buy a some.  That assumes that I don't have to call the plumber after all because it wasn't the flapper.  If they have to come out, they can snip it.  Lol.

Despite doing a lot of subbing, money is a little tight because I am trying to do so many house projects.  It would be nice if I didn't have to call the plumber, but we will see.


.

[MarionTh230]

Nov 12, 2023 19:08:13 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Nov 12, 2023 17:48:30 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

You know what Pink? You are right. You are not OK. But, you know what? You will be OK. Eventually. 

Housing markets and interest rates are a mess everywhere right now. That doesn't mean it will still be that way 1 year, 2 years, or 3 years from now. Despite the ordeal with your mother living in your house, you do have equity and value in that piece of real estate that you can utilize at some point. As difficult as the situation might be if it comes to that.

Maybe I'm just a naive eternal optimist, but I am not willing to believe that your retirement plans are completely upside down. Not yet anyways.  Housing in the short term is definitely an ugly situation, but I am holding out hope on the longer outlook.

Past that, I am not sure what else to say. I have been heartbroken over your posts for the past few days. I am glad you have recognized the anger was a response to hurt. That is important for you. It doesn't take the hurt away though. 

You are always welcome to come down my way for a few days. I'll put you up, feed you, let you hang out on my back porch and laugh at how pathetic my garden has gotten. We will have plenty of food for the holidays so setting an extra plate at the table won't have us bat an eyelash.

The only other thing I can do is offer you lots of hugs and prayers. I refuse to believe that this heartbreak will derail you. It will be part of your story, but it will not be your downfall. 

Oh. Also. You are not stupid or foolish. I know it feels that way, but you were not foolish. 

The kindness you and other posters are showing me, has me crying me again, I have cried rivers over the last few days. 

Unfortunately, the at least “comfortable” retirement I have been planning, really is at risk. There are several reasons I don’t want to live in my house again, but one thing is that I absolutely can not bear sharing a home with my Mom again, I don’t care if that makes me sound like a horrible person, it is the truth, regardless of what it says about me. 

Once I decided that staying in that house would allow me to retire asap, it became an important part of my retirement planning. Even when I try to look on the bright side, being that I still have it as an asset, the facts are that 1. I don’t see me being happy living there again and 2. it is not worth enough that moving again will not derail my plans if I don’t move there. I’m not being pessimistic, I am just stating facts.

I really, really appreciate you offering me a place to visit, to get away for a few days, and I also really appreciate your offer of hugs and prayers. Thank you so much for all of that.

If I dig deep, I know that I will find the soldier in me again, and knowing that that soldier is there, even piled under piles of rubble, means that on some level, I know that somehow, in one way or another, I will eventually be okay. 

My logical brain knows that, somewhere in the back of my mind, but right now, my heart and emotions are screaming way louder and demanding my attention. I have to find a way to put all of that emotional shit aside, so I can listen to my brain instead, and try to figure out where I go from here. 

Does that make sense? I ask, because maybe I am really a crazy person right now, since the only thing I know for sure right now, is that I feel incapable of really thinking clearly about anything. Because really, my mind has been telling me to just get in my car that I very clearly own myself, and drive anywhere from 3 to 14 hours away, to somewhere that I know I could have a safe place to lay my head until I found a job in the area and got my shit together again. That’s real talk, even though I also understand that it’s not really rational thinking. But that’s where I’m at right now. 

Anyway, thank you so much, and thank you to everyone else here that has offered advice and support. I love you all for that.

Yes, that makes perfect sense.

I was thinking more of the house as a dollar asset.  You've been clear on living there would be a big problem.  From the outside looking in it sounds like if you did that you'd just be trading one set of mental and emotional problems for another given the situation you've shared with your mom.

I was thinking more along the lines that if you rent something now, when the housing market changes you could sell the existing house and use that on a new home and perhaps have lower (or very low) mortgage.  Or, you could buy something now and refi later with a buy down if you sell the existing house.  Or, really, you could just sell it now and travel the world until you run out of cash 

Short term, cash flow is going to suck to secure housing.  There is no good solution right now.  I was thinking more along the lines that if the housing market changes later, that existing house is worth real dollars and you can liquidate the asset to either fund housing or retirement.  That somehow, someway, the dollars you can get for that house would help the long term outlook not be so bleak.

And yes, you are always welcome to head my way!  We'd love to have you.  If you ever do wander my way, we may need to take a road trip to visit soupandstew too!

You're not crazy.  Your life has changed a whole heck of a lot all of a sudden.  Major life change because the partner you have is not the partner you thought you had.  It's expected that you have lots of thoughts all at one.  Some of which are conflicting.  

That is what we are here for though.  it on us.  We can handle it.  Even if we don't have the answers, we always have the hugs.

[Pink Cashmere]

When I saw him for the first time today, and had to be in his presence, my stomach immediately started hurting again. I don’t think that’s a good sign. 

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 12, 2023 19:26:26 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

Nov 12, 2023 19:08:13 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

The kindness you and other posters are showing me, has me crying me again, I have cried rivers over the last few days. 

Unfortunately, the at least “comfortable” retirement I have been planning, really is at risk. There are several reasons I don’t want to live in my house again, but one thing is that I absolutely can not bear sharing a home with my Mom again, I don’t care if that makes me sound like a horrible person, it is the truth, regardless of what it says about me. 

Once I decided that staying in that house would allow me to retire asap, it became an important part of my retirement planning. Even when I try to look on the bright side, being that I still have it as an asset, the facts are that 1. I don’t see me being happy living there again and 2. it is not worth enough that moving again will not derail my plans if I don’t move there. I’m not being pessimistic, I am just stating facts.

I really, really appreciate you offering me a place to visit, to get away for a few days, and I also really appreciate your offer of hugs and prayers. Thank you so much for all of that.

If I dig deep, I know that I will find the soldier in me again, and knowing that that soldier is there, even piled under piles of rubble, means that on some level, I know that somehow, in one way or another, I will eventually be okay. 

My logical brain knows that, somewhere in the back of my mind, but right now, my heart and emotions are screaming way louder and demanding my attention. I have to find a way to put all of that emotional shit aside, so I can listen to my brain instead, and try to figure out where I go from here. 

Does that make sense? I ask, because maybe I am really a crazy person right now, since the only thing I know for sure right now, is that I feel incapable of really thinking clearly about anything. Because really, my mind has been telling me to just get in my car that I very clearly own myself, and drive anywhere from 3 to 14 hours away, to somewhere that I know I could have a safe place to lay my head until I found a job in the area and got my shit together again. That’s real talk, even though I also understand that it’s not really rational thinking. But that’s where I’m at right now. 

Anyway, thank you so much, and thank you to everyone else here that has offered advice and support. I love you all for that.

Yes, that makes perfect sense.

I was thinking more of the house as a dollar asset.  You've been clear on living there would be a big problem.  From the outside looking in it sounds like if you did that you'd just be trading one set of mental and emotional problems for another given the situation you've shared with your mom.

I was thinking more along the lines that if you rent something now, when the housing market changes you could sell the existing house and use that on a new home and perhaps have lower (or very low) mortgage.  Or, you could buy something now and refi later with a buy down if you sell the existing house.  Or, really, you could just sell it now and travel the world until you run out of cash 

Short term, cash flow is going to suck to secure housing.  There is no good solution right now.  I was thinking more along the lines that if the housing market changes later, that existing house is worth real dollars and you can liquidate the asset to either fund housing or retirement.  That somehow, someway, the dollars you can get for that house would help the long term outlook not be so bleak.

And yes, you are always welcome to head my way!  We'd love to have you.  If you ever do wander my way, we may need to take a road trip to visit soupandstew too!

You're not crazy.  Your life has changed a whole heck of a lot all of a sudden.  Major life change because the partner you have is not the partner you thought you had.  It's expected that you have lots of thoughts all at one.  Some of which are conflicting.  

That is what we are here for though.  it on us.  We can handle it.  Even if we don't have the answers, we always have the hugs.

I didn’t see this before my last post, and I am not in a frame of mind right now to even really take in what you are saying, let alone try to respond to it. I really do appreciate the time and effort you are putting into trying to talk to me, so I sincerely apologize.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Nov 12, 2023 19:08:13 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Nov 12, 2023 17:48:30 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

You know what Pink? You are right. You are not OK. But, you know what? You will be OK. Eventually. 

Housing markets and interest rates are a mess everywhere right now. That doesn't mean it will still be that way 1 year, 2 years, or 3 years from now. Despite the ordeal with your mother living in your house, you do have equity and value in that piece of real estate that you can utilize at some point. As difficult as the situation might be if it comes to that.

Maybe I'm just a naive eternal optimist, but I am not willing to believe that your retirement plans are completely upside down. Not yet anyways.  Housing in the short term is definitely an ugly situation, but I am holding out hope on the longer outlook.

Past that, I am not sure what else to say. I have been heartbroken over your posts for the past few days. I am glad you have recognized the anger was a response to hurt. That is important for you. It doesn't take the hurt away though. 

You are always welcome to come down my way for a few days. I'll put you up, feed you, let you hang out on my back porch and laugh at how pathetic my garden has gotten. We will have plenty of food for the holidays so setting an extra plate at the table won't have us bat an eyelash.

The only other thing I can do is offer you lots of hugs and prayers. I refuse to believe that this heartbreak will derail you. It will be part of your story, but it will not be your downfall. 

Oh. Also. You are not stupid or foolish. I know it feels that way, but you were not foolish. 

The kindness you and other posters are showing me, has me crying me again, I have cried rivers over the last few days. 

Unfortunately, the at least “comfortable” retirement I have been planning, really is at risk. There are several reasons I don’t want to live in my house again, but one thing is that I absolutely can not bear sharing a home with my Mom again, I don’t care if that makes me sound like a horrible person, it is the truth, regardless of what it says about me. 

Once I decided that staying in that house would allow me to retire asap, it became an important part of my retirement planning. Even when I try to look on the bright side, being that I still have it as an asset, the facts are that 1. I don’t see me being happy living there again and 2. it is not worth enough that moving again will not derail my plans if I don’t move there. I’m not being pessimistic, I am just stating facts.

I really, really appreciate you offering me a place to visit, to get away for a few days, and I also really appreciate your offer of hugs and prayers. Thank you so much for all of that.

If I dig deep, I know that I will find the soldier in me again, and knowing that that soldier is there, even piled under piles of rubble, means that on some level, I know that somehow, in one way or another, I will eventually be okay. 

My logical brain knows that, somewhere in the back of my mind, but right now, my heart and emotions are screaming way louder and demanding my attention. I have to find a way to put all of that emotional shit aside, so I can listen to my brain instead, and try to figure out where I go from here. 

Does that make sense? I ask, because maybe I am really a crazy person right now, since the only thing I know for sure right now, is that I feel incapable of really thinking clearly about anything. Because really, my mind has been telling me to just get in my car that I very clearly own myself, and drive anywhere from 3 to 14 hours away, to somewhere that I know I could have a safe place to lay my head until I found a job in the area and got my shit together again. That’s real talk, even though I also understand that it’s not really rational thinking. But that’s where I’m at right now. 

Anyway, thank you so much, and thank you to everyone else here that has offered advice and support. I love you all for that.

Your answer to the post above applies to this one too. Don't respond to this right now. Just know that you are loved. 

Several things, and keep in mind I only have a gist that you're unhappy and overwhelmed and not the specifics. 
1) making major life decisions when there has been a tragedy (Mister's parents' deaths) is not a good/mature choice. Now, that doesn't mean ignoring anything, but it could mean that you give yourself the grace to be upset/unhappy/overwhelmed with the goal of revisiting this all in a week or a month. Of course, Mister has to get to the proactive re-visitation also. 

2) I'm further than 14-hour drive away, but you really can stay in our guest suite. 

3) You are going to be financially fine. I would also be freaking out about that right now if I felt the way you did. However, I know that both you and I have ensured that we can take care of ourselves. You will be able to retire and not eat cat food. You will be able to retire and still live in a safe place. You will not be able to retire and learn to love creepy crawlies. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Well, let's give everyone trivial topics to discuss. 
Pick one:


Anyone want to write up the last teacher observation I need to write up tonight?
It takes about an hour? I've written two today. 


Anyone done any judging in the grocery checkout lately?
I did yesterday. You know the Thanksgiving deals when you buy $50 worth of groceries and get the generic turkey for free?
Well, the girl in the checkout line in front of me yesterday was over $15 short of the $50 minimum. The turkey at 90¢ / pound was not more than $15. However, to make it to $50, she grabbed two of the massively processed/preserved cookie boxes off of the impulse island at $10 a container. BUY VEGETABLES LADY!!!


What about being outside in the cold? I just spent 12 years living on the PNW coast, and I am still re-acclimating to inland PNW cold. (Which is not at all the same as Mid-West cold.) It's like 33ºF in the morning. That's ridiculous! It's only November. 


My 25-yo daughter is annoyed that her in-laws have accepted an invitation to a gathering at her and SIL's new house. It's supposed to be a gathering to celebrate completing his lineman apprenticeship. My dear child, you do not get to be upset that people you invited accepted your invitation. 

[Pink Cashmere]

I don’t want to be a complete mood and thread killer, so Imma change the subject. 

Today, Boy did not have all those bumps all, over his body. Not early This morning, and not this evening. I thought it was because Mister was giving him meds, but when I said something about it it, Mister said he has not given Boy any more Benadryl, OR the prednisone he got from the vet yesterday. Without getting bogged down with that, it is clear that Boy’s body is handling the reaction to whatever caused it, on its own. I looked him over this evening, and he has no bumps or other visible issues.

aricia suggested maybe it was a reaction to an insect bite. I am starting to think that is the most likely thing that happened. Only because we haven’t changed or gotten rid of anything inside or outside the house since the bumps appeared, and Mister hasn’t been giving him the meds I thought he would, that would have suppressed a reaction to a still present whatever, inside or outside the house. In my mind, that means that whatever caused the reaction was not something he is in constant contact with. Despite me thinking it had to be something growing outside, since he went outside last night and today, without having been given meds, and he didn’t get those bumps again today.

He is back to being a pest, and even though it might sound weird, I am glad about it. Because being a pest, so far, means he is just being his normal self. I would much rather he be his normal self, rambunctious and a pest and PITA, than for him to be subdued because he is not feeling well.

[jerseygirl]

Happy Boy is better!
Maybe he was also feeling stress?
Maybe give yourself (and Mister) more time (3,6 months, year) before making permanent changes. Your household has gone through MAJOR life changes and stress
Hoping you can find a competent reliable therapist
I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a very difficult time
Prayers that you will have peace

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 12, 2023 19:52:20 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Nov 12, 2023 19:08:13 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

The kindness you and other posters are showing me, has me crying me again, I have cried rivers over the last few days. 

Unfortunately, the at least “comfortable” retirement I have been planning, really is at risk. There are several reasons I don’t want to live in my house again, but one thing is that I absolutely can not bear sharing a home with my Mom again, I don’t care if that makes me sound like a horrible person, it is the truth, regardless of what it says about me. 

Once I decided that staying in that house would allow me to retire asap, it became an important part of my retirement planning. Even when I try to look on the bright side, being that I still have it as an asset, the facts are that 1. I don’t see me being happy living there again and 2. it is not worth enough that moving again will not derail my plans if I don’t move there. I’m not being pessimistic, I am just stating facts.

I really, really appreciate you offering me a place to visit, to get away for a few days, and I also really appreciate your offer of hugs and prayers. Thank you so much for all of that.

If I dig deep, I know that I will find the soldier in me again, and knowing that that soldier is there, even piled under piles of rubble, means that on some level, I know that somehow, in one way or another, I will eventually be okay. 

My logical brain knows that, somewhere in the back of my mind, but right now, my heart and emotions are screaming way louder and demanding my attention. I have to find a way to put all of that emotional shit aside, so I can listen to my brain instead, and try to figure out where I go from here. 

Does that make sense? I ask, because maybe I am really a crazy person right now, since the only thing I know for sure right now, is that I feel incapable of really thinking clearly about anything. Because really, my mind has been telling me to just get in my car that I very clearly own myself, and drive anywhere from 3 to 14 hours away, to somewhere that I know I could have a safe place to lay my head until I found a job in the area and got my shit together again. That’s real talk, even though I also understand that it’s not really rational thinking. But that’s where I’m at right now. 

Anyway, thank you so much, and thank you to everyone else here that has offered advice and support. I love you all for that.

Your answer to the post above applies to this one too. Don't respond to this right now. Just know that you are loved. 

Several things, and keep in mind I only have a gist that you're unhappy and overwhelmed and not the specifics. 
1) making major life decisions when there has been a tragedy (Mister's parents' deaths) is not a good/mature choice. Now, that doesn't mean ignoring anything, but it could mean that you give yourself the grace to be upset/unhappy/overwhelmed with the goal of revisiting this all in a week or a month. Of course, Mister has to get to the proactive re-visitation also. 

2) I'm further than 14-hour drive away, but you really can stay in our guest suite. 

3) You are going to be financially fine. I would also be freaking out about that right now if I felt the way you did. However, I know that both you and I have ensured that we can take care of ourselves. You will be able to retire and not eat cat food. You will be able to retire and still live in a safe place. You will not be able to retire and learn to love creepy crawlies. 

While reading your post, I had all the feels, like I have with other posts. And then I got to the last sentence and actually laughed, out loud. Then, I read it again, and didn’t laugh as heartily as the first time, but I still grinned.

I don’t think I have laughed or even genuinely smiled for some days now, even though I have been trying to put on a good face and pretend. 

I do not dismiss other posters’ efforts to be there for me, it all really, really means a lot to me. 

I guess your post just reminded me that I can still appreciate tasteful humor, even when everything seems so bleak for me. I feel like it is also a reminder that I don’t have to be so serious about life and the shit that comes with it, I can also try to have fun along the way, and find reasons to laugh and have fun.  I thank you for bringing that to my attention and making me laugh tonight.

[giramomma]

Nov 12, 2023 19:59:31 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

What about being outside in the cold? I just spent 12 years living on the PNW coast, and I am still re-acclimating to inland PNW cold. (Which is not at all the same as Mid-West cold.) It's like 33ºF in the morning. That's ridiculous! It's only November. 

It's been getting into the 30s at night here, and I'm definitely WTF.

We're supposed to be in the 60s a few days this week, which is also a WTF.

I haven't been outside today. As of yesterday.  there were still green leaves on the trees. WTF.

We're supposed to have a warmer and less snowy winter this winter.

I'm not saying WTF to that.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Nov 12, 2023 16:58:53 GMT -5 notagain said:

and just for haha I am having cataract surgery tomorrow and have been dry heaving for 3 days. I know its any easy surgery but the thought of anyone in my eyeballs gives me the Willie's and the heebee jeebees Shudder

Tell them, and they give you something.  It does go fairly fast and easy, and afterwards I had perfect vision for the first time in 60 years.