what are you doing right now?

[giramomma]

Oct 21, 2023 21:27:43 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Oct 21, 2023 21:14:36 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I won't divorce DH, but our state does have legal separation.

Can't get married to someone else if you are legally separated.

I'm also happy to legally stay married to him and have him live elsewhere. Lord knows it would save me alimony and child support.

Staying married or legally separated would also keep DH on my health insurance. Which is better for him. Otherwise health insurance would take his entire current paycheck.

All the crap he put me through, I'm leaving our house over my dead body. And the kids aren't going anywhere, either.

DH can suck it up in some shit-ass room he can afford and do whatever he likes/feels chemically compelled to on his own time, in his own space.

(I've been feeling like the other shoe is going to drop...but nothing else has really precipitated this).

Are you separating then or just contemplating it? You also can go from separated to divorced in short order as we have no-fault divorce. Be careful b/c he can go for joint custody with child support and it would really cost you a lot of $$. You would then have a much harder time with your budget than you already have now. Hugs. I know you have a lot going on rn.

Actually, nothing of the sort. He's been doing well. Our marriage now is quite easy. I've had a nice stretch of almost a month where things have been good. It's not nearly long enough for me to be comfortable with things being good.

My work thing that happened this past spring really triggered me, actually back to when I was growing up.  I actually can't trust anyone at work anymore. Once I start spending half of my awake-time in a situation where I can't trust anyone, I start generalizing that I can't trust anyone. Which makes me start wondering if I should be able to trust DH.

Now, with my parents, I could just go low contact. I can't do that with work.

[giramomma]

Oct 21, 2023 21:48:04 GMT -5 weltz said:

So, in the long run, does it matter who holds the babies first? Be grateful for healthy babies.

In a healthy/functional family situation, I'd totally agree with you.

When your parent holds grudges against you for 20-30 years or more, who holds the baby first matters.

When your parent thinks they have automatic rights to just take your baby from you without so much as even asking, it matters who holds the baby first.

           

[chiver78]

Oct 21, 2023 20:34:16 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Oct 20, 2023 19:37:20 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

I've been told I would LOVE Lessons in Chemistry. I'd agree, from the teasers I've seen. I think you would as well.

Is that on Netflix? I will take time to watch it if it is. I read the book. Very enjoyable. Curious to see how the movie depicted everything.

apple tv. I didn't know this was a book first.

[chiver78]

shocker, I dozed off on the couch. 🙄 woke up around an hour ago, let the pups out and loaded/started the dishwasher. so that will be nice to be done in the morning. I'm in bed now, trying to wind down again. COZI has Las Vegas episodes on the overnights, so I'll listen to that until I doze off.

[snapdragon]

Just came back from watching a local theatre performance of Blythe Spirit. It was fun and I had a decent time with a few friends.

[countrygirl2]

We get our premium rate increase for our supplements for medicare in November, anyone gotten them yet?

[countrygirl2]

That's why we never got LTC coverage. We knew several folks that the premiums just kept going up so they eventually had to drop it after paying in for years.

And I'm not getting a divorce, I'm perfectly happy with my old guy. We have been together a long, long time. Even for the years before we got married and he was in Vietnam, so close to 60 years altogether. Too much training invested in him to give up now, LOL! So I will just keep him.

Night all, it is after 3, been watching a series and doing crossword puzzles, but time to finally hit the sack.

[finnime]

Good morning, tenacious invisipeeps, holding the world together with conviction. Welcome to Sunday. I hope this day offers you ease and peace and ice cream, and relief from hot flashes and hot tempers.

I cannot begin to imagine reconnecting with XH. He was an abusive narcissist. I know he would be all too willing to take up with me again. He refused to leave the home even after I filed for divorce and even knowing I would have the kids, as I always did. Instead he stomped around the house for months while I slept on the sofa at night. There were some terrible things that happened during that time before I got a restraining order to keep him away. I first filed for a "limited" divorce in Maryland since that was possible even with the same address. All I can say now is I am living a wholly different life now and it's pretty great.

Today I've got to do a 30 minute pick up and clean the house before 10:30. I expect people will stop here for cake after brunch. I also need to wrap a present DSis is giving ODB--one of my photos, matted and framed, that she bought from me. And take Franklin the Dog to the beach, of course. We should see the sun this morning.

Since it was heavily overcast yesterday I didn't get any good pics. Instead, this is one from our trip to NH:

[finnime]

While we're discussing problematic (X)spouses, I saw this:

[daisylu]

Oct 21, 2023 21:10:35 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Oct 21, 2023 13:25:25 GMT -5 daisylu said:

I blame all the articles on thrift store finds that are worth $$$. They make it sound so simple. Meanwhile I was impressed when I found a new hoodie with tags for a local college football team for $20.

And as a larger chested woman, I donate my old bras. They are still useful, just a little old (3 years max) and don't fit me quite right anymore. I hope women who need them have a chance to buy them cheaply. In the last 5 years I have never paid less that $70 for a bra. As a single mom I went without a lot of stuff to take care of my kids. Believe it or not, lack of a bra for a large chested woman can cause a lot of health problems.

Now I'm wondering if there is a better way to pass them on.

I thought places like Goodwill would not take used bras/underware? I am either a 34 C or D. I do not look like I have huge boobs, I consider myself rather small chested. A bra that fits explains it ( if I remember correctly) I have shallow roots, so instead of sticking straight out in front the volume of my boobs is spread over a larger area. I also commonly spend 50-70 on a bra then decide they are not comfortable. I also yoyo up & down in weight, so keep some around jic.

I have tennis elbow issues, so should not be catching up on ym on my phone, while in bed. ( bend elbows too much). I am going to bring the little used I pad in the bedroom so I can try to see if that works better. Took Mom to church for first time in a few weeks & then to Culvers for dinner.

They don't take used underwear around here, but they definitely take used bras.

[gacpa]

I absolutely love that picture, Finnime.  Thank you so much for posting that, you bring happiness to so many with those pics.

[finnime]

Thanks very much, gacpa!

[soupandstew]

Oct 22, 2023 4:46:12 GMT -5 finnime said:

While we're discussing problematic (X)spouses, I saw this:

  Thank you finnime

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Oct 21, 2023 10:58:15 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

Black Lake Elementary is where grandson goes, zip code 98512

Such a small world. My DD#2 does not teach at that elementary school in that school district, but she teaches at another one that district's schools. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Oct 21, 2023 15:51:59 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I just finished weaving in the ends to the baby blanket I knitted for my sister’s first grandson.  I forgot what kind of a pain this was to do.  I clipped a wrapper from the yarn with washing instructions on it to the blanket.  

My sister is all bent out of shape.  I don’t get it, but perhaps some here can clue me in.  She is going to get to see him at Christmas, after jumping through all kinds of hoops between their schedule and her work.  Apparently her ex and his fiancée are now visiting and sister is all bent out of shape that fiancée will get to hold her first grandson before my sister.  She is pissed at her son that he ‘let’ them visit, but my best guess is that they didn’t ask……just showed up.  At this point, my nephew doesn't have much choice in the matter (and he’s really too easy going to put up too much of a stink).  I tried to point out that she’ll be there for his first Christmas, but she’s still hurt and upset.  I don’t get it.  Is this logical, or is my sister just all butt hurt because her ex got there first?

There's little logic involved in any of our emotions though. 
We're not Vulcan. 

My mother taught us to be upset if someone used something new before she got to. 

I'd also be pissed in your DS's role. Logical? No. Normal? Yes. 

I can honestly say that none of our four children--in their status quo-- would have allowed the fiance to hold the baby.

I can see if our daughter was drugged up or if one of our sons was not there or it had been a super long labor and he was sleeping in the corner. 

But, in a coherent state, none of our children would let the fiance hold the baby before either DH or I did.  

I understand those who DO NOT have that reaction. Please at least accept that some of us would have that reaction. 

[giramomma]

Oct 22, 2023 8:07:36 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Oct 21, 2023 15:51:59 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I just finished weaving in the ends to the baby blanket I knitted for my sister’s first grandson.  I forgot what kind of a pain this was to do.  I clipped a wrapper from the yarn with washing instructions on it to the blanket.  

My sister is all bent out of shape.  I don’t get it, but perhaps some here can clue me in.  She is going to get to see him at Christmas, after jumping through all kinds of hoops between their schedule and her work.  Apparently her ex and his fiancée are now visiting and sister is all bent out of shape that fiancée will get to hold her first grandson before my sister.  She is pissed at her son that he ‘let’ them visit, but my best guess is that they didn’t ask……just showed up.  At this point, my nephew doesn't have much choice in the matter (and he’s really too easy going to put up too much of a stink).  I tried to point out that she’ll be there for his first Christmas, but she’s still hurt and upset.  I don’t get it.  Is this logical, or is my sister just all butt hurt because her ex got there first?

There's little logic involved in any of our emotions though. 
We're not Vulcan. 

My mother taught us to be upset if someone used something new before she got to. 

I'd also be pissed in your DS's role. Logical? No. Normal? Yes. 

I can honestly say that none of our four children--in their status quo-- would have allowed the fiance to hold the baby.

I can see if our daughter was drugged up or if one of our sons was not there or it had been a super long labor and he was sleeping in the corner. 

But, in a coherent state, none of our children would let the fiance hold the baby before either DH or I did.  

I understand those who DO NOT have that reaction. Please at least accept that some of us would have that reaction. 

That's interesting. I could see my DD1 letting DH's fiance hold the baby first.  For a whole host of reasons.

And she wouldn't think anything of it, because my kids grew up nothing like I did.

And, I could see talking to someone about my feelings (whether it was a trusted friend or therapist) so that I didn't put how I grew up on my kids.

[mollyanna58]

Oct 21, 2023 22:36:14 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Oct 21, 2023 22:08:38 GMT -5 taz157 said:

My parents have been divorced since 1988. My dad would still remarry my mom in a heartbeat. That will NEVER happen!

When I first started working years ago, there was a janitor at the company that had been divorced for decades and he was still pining after his ex-wife.  It was the saddest thing. 

Plus, it kind of creeps me out a little.  Jason Mamoa shows up at my door and I'm running with that.  I don't want to have to worry about what a slightly off kilter Ex that can't let go is going to do.  I guess I'll just deal with that problem when it comes. 

Pretty sure Jason Mamoa can take your ex.

[countrygirl2]

I like him in shows, that man is just soooo good looking. Wonder how he is in real life. But he is a hunk for sure.

But I also like Dolph Lundgren and Schwarzenegger but he got tarnished pretty good after what he did. A kid with his housekeeper that looked just like him, wow. Makes one wonder about some of these people.

I was just thinking about divorces. In mom's family out of 11 kids only one got divorced, her younger brother and he didn't want it. But it sounded like it was his fault. But I'm sure being catholic had something to do with it, though women back than had a hard time making it alone.

And in dads, he had one sister married 5 or so times, she lost her only grandson to the inlaws and grieved about that her whole life. She got a good guy the last one and lived a very good life.I think she was pretty wild, LOL! However, he also had a grandfather that ran off and left his wife and kids and the one he ran off with did the same. A pretty good scandal back than I guess. Enough so that the family denied knowing much of anything about him.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Oct 22, 2023 8:38:31 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Oct 21, 2023 22:36:14 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

When I first started working years ago, there was a janitor at the company that had been divorced for decades and he was still pining after his ex-wife.  It was the saddest thing. 

Plus, it kind of creeps me out a little.  Jason Mamoa shows up at my door and I'm running with that.  I don't want to have to worry about what a slightly off kilter Ex that can't let go is going to do.  I guess I'll just deal with that problem when it comes. 

Pretty sure Jason Mamoa can take your ex.

True. I've probably been worrying for nothing.

[raeoflyte]

Since we're sharing spousal issues. I don't think I've posted anything about it, but dh's drinking is really bothering me. Over pandemic "everyone" was drinking more (I wasn't but it was pretty normal that people were drinking more) but I realized he's drinking everyday still. On top of his existing vices. He cut back his spending by more than 50% and it's still more than what I pay for dojo and private jiu-jitsu lessons - which isn't cheap.

We had a recent conversation where I brought up my concerns. He didn't argue, but he doesn’t feel like he has a problem- and he also doesn't want to stop drinking everyday. He's stopped drinking for a few days, and I foresee a fight coming with him feeling like he's proven himself and me still upset and uncomfortable.

But I think it comes down to I'm not comfortable with daily drinking, especially since he's already a daily Marijuana user. I get he has issues and I get the health care system is broken, but I think I've figured out my line on self medicating. Figuring out where to go from here though is going to be difficult. Dh is going to be looking for a specific frequency from me that I'm either good with or not and it's more nuanced than that. I'm not going to police his drinking but I'm not going to ride this forever.

[Sharon]

Pink Cashmere when I was having issues with hot flashes and sleeping way too hot at night the doctor suggested I take Basic B Complex supplements.  It contains all the B vitamins.  Best suggestion ever I stopped waking up drenched in sweat and slept better at night. 

[giramomma]

I'm to the hand quilting stage of the dollie quilt. Some of the stitches on the back are a little "eh."

This is for a dollie that I knicknamed road kill. (DD1 used to drop this dolly all the time, and I'd run over it with the stroller).

Since it is not being entered into a quilt show, where folks with gloves flip over backs for you to see..I an not giving a crap.

This came in a pack of four pre-printed quilts, so I'm going to make her another one, anyway.

[ners]

Eating breakfast.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Oct 22, 2023 8:07:36 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Oct 21, 2023 15:51:59 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

I just finished weaving in the ends to the baby blanket I knitted for my sister’s first grandson.  I forgot what kind of a pain this was to do.  I clipped a wrapper from the yarn with washing instructions on it to the blanket.  

My sister is all bent out of shape.  I don’t get it, but perhaps some here can clue me in.  She is going to get to see him at Christmas, after jumping through all kinds of hoops between their schedule and her work.  Apparently her ex and his fiancée are now visiting and sister is all bent out of shape that fiancée will get to hold her first grandson before my sister.  She is pissed at her son that he ‘let’ them visit, but my best guess is that they didn’t ask……just showed up.  At this point, my nephew doesn't have much choice in the matter (and he’s really too easy going to put up too much of a stink).  I tried to point out that she’ll be there for his first Christmas, but she’s still hurt and upset.  I don’t get it.  Is this logical, or is my sister just all butt hurt because her ex got there first?

There's little logic involved in any of our emotions though. 
We're not Vulcan. 

My mother taught us to be upset if someone used something new before she got to. 

I'd also be pissed in your DS's role. Logical? No. Normal? Yes. 

I can honestly say that none of our four children--in their status quo-- would have allowed the fiance to hold the baby.

I can see if our daughter was drugged up or if one of our sons was not there or it had been a super long labor and he was sleeping in the corner. 

But, in a coherent state, none of our children would let the fiance hold the baby before either DH or I did.  

I understand those who DO NOT have that reaction. Please at least accept that some of us would have that reaction. 

Interesting.  And this does make sense, especially when factored in that fiancée is the woman who helped break up the marriage.  Sister hates her with a visceral passion, even though logically she recognizes that her ex was as much to blame.  I know this plays into it too.

I think that she’s also stymied by the fact that Sister tried to do what’s best for her son’s new family, and respect their wishes and her ex just trampled all over them…..giving credence to its easier to beg forgiveness after the fact.  

I really am trying to understand this, so you guys have helped me a bit.  M6 eyeballs are not rolling back into my head quite as much!

[giramomma]

Oct 22, 2023 10:11:39 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

We had a recent conversation where I brought up my concerns. He didn't argue, but he doesn’t feel like he has a problem- and he also doesn't want to stop drinking everyday. He's stopped drinking for a few days, and I foresee a fight coming with him feeling like he's proven himself and me still upset and uncomfortable.

I'm sorry. This is the concerning part. The money part: eh. I don't think money spent is always good correlation to problematic behaviors. My DH didn't hardly spend money on his stuff.

Now, I'm not saying that you should jump to conclusions with your DH. He very well could not have any issues.

Have you considered going to some al-anon meetings? I know there's the whole religious aspect, and I think a person can still go and just ignore that, in the same way folks recite the pledge of allegiance and the god part.

My DH did not surrender to/completely accept the fact that he was an addict during recovery v1. Which is why we had recovery v2. And, while it is something I really couldn't have "known," it would have saved so much if he just would have shared that with me. Because *I* knew enough about addiction to know that without the surrender/acceptance, all "the work" he did was not going to keep him sober.. IoW, I would have known he was white knuckling it and therefore would have come to expect DH's slips/march towards a relapse.  When I did discover his near relapse, it wouldn't have been a thing. And I could have made an informed decision about whether or not I wanted to stay with DH before we had 4 kids.

Can't expect to someone to be honest with you, if they aren't honest with themselves.

I just wish someone would have helped me see that earlier. I think DH's therapist did try to tell him that, and I think DH did share that he found what his therapist said to be off-putting.

[seriousthistime]

Not pointing to anyone here in particular, but just wondering.  People here are sometimes on the "outs" with their SO or DH.  That's normal. 

My group of 5 close friends is much the same.  I'm not, I haven't been married in almost 20 years and the two longer term relationships I've had in that time are long over.  I have no desire to ever enter into a new relationship at this point.  I have enough unpleasant marriage memories.  The other 4 are in long term marriages. 

So in the group of 5 (or 4, not counting me), we recently talked about whether anyone would be open to finding someone new. Only one of them was open to it. The others were "definitely not!"

If for one reason or another you lost your spouse or significant other to death, divorce, dementia, whatever -- would you be open to another marriage or long term relationship? 

To me, it seems like women are more likely to say no that than are the men.  

[giramomma]

OK. I figured out why my back stitches were so wonky.

Also, I would like to know how folks can load a bazillion stitches on a needle that's an inch long.

[giramomma]

I also don't remember when I've thoroughly enjoyed making a project like I am now. It's been a long time.

I have a book on miniature quilts I may have to take a gander at.

[NancysSummerSip]

Bike ride this morning (cool-ish for us), sausage, eggs and blueberry-banana bread for breakfast, Vacuumed, cleaned the bathrooms and will wash the car later while spaghetti sauce simmers.

Need to put in an Amazon order for a bunch of oddball things.

[daisylu]

Oct 22, 2023 11:13:41 GMT -5 seriousthistime said:

Not pointing to anyone here in particular, but just wondering.  People here are sometimes on the "outs" with their SO or DH.  That's normal. 

My group of 5 close friends is much the same.  I'm not, I haven't been married in almost 20 years and the two longer term relationships I've had in that time are long over.  I have no desire to ever enter into a new relationship at this point.  I have enough unpleasant marriage memories.  The other 4 are in long term marriages. 

So in the group of 5 (or 4, not counting me), we recently talked about whether anyone would be open to finding someone new. Only one of them was open to it. The others were "definitely not!"

If for one reason or another you lost your spouse or significant other to death, divorce, dementia, whatever -- would you be open to another marriage or long term relationship? 

To me, it seems like women are more likely to say no that than are the men.  

I've been very open here that if something happened to DH boy toys will be my future. I was picky when I chose DH, and that habit has only grown.