what are you doing right now?

[raeoflyte]

I survived my 27 hours with the kiddos. It was good but I totally get why the grandparents get tired and appreciate a little help. They still have 48+ hours with them. I took them to the pool again today so hopefully the boys are tired, but not too tired to set them up for a good day/night.

Sil's house is perfect. It's not my style, but I love how organized it is and how easy it is to stay on top of even with 2 little whirlwinds running around. It's also empty - except for her closet. Lol. I'll never be able to replicate her results but it did make me come home take a hard look at some spaces.

[raeoflyte]

Jul 9, 2023 16:38:28 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:03:20 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

I’m struggling with the DS#2 girlfriend situation.
DS texted yesterday asking to golf this morning. The GF wanted to do so. She specifically wanted to go early. We accept the invitation, slightly rearranging our day. This morning, at first DS says they are running late. Then, DS gets to our house and says The GF refused to get out of bed because she stayed up until 1am. Tee time was at 9:50. We had to leave our house by 9:15 to make the tee time. She just needed to get up by 8:15, maybe 8:30. So, she basically stood us up.

I’m trying to decide how to take this.

Is this a pattern?

This was my thought. Unless it's a pattern, let it go. Hell, even if it is a pattern let it go except don't change existing plans to meet her schedule.

[chiver78]

Jul 9, 2023 16:08:40 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jul 9, 2023 15:51:42 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

While don’t think this is a long term solution, can you go somewhere this afternoon/evening and get a break?

I guess I could. But I actually enjoy being at home, so that’s where I’d rather be. 

Maybe (probably?) I’m feeling petty, but I’ll make him uncomfortable being here before I let him make me uncomfortable enough to leave my own home. Even if that means me saying something crazy every time I see him. So far he’s stayed in the back bedroom as far as I know, which is best. And I am still sitting in the garage watching the rain.

petty or not, you're not wrong. I wish I'd learned this lesson 5y ago in my last house, when mooch was earning that nickname in making me lose my mind. enjoy the rain, lady. I hope it helps calm your nerves some, for YOU, not the general atmosphere in the house. hugs. 

[andi9899]

Jul 9, 2023 16:20:49 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

countrygirl2  There's an old, old saying that "he who pays the fiddler, calls the tunes" and your family dynamic is a perfect example of that axiom.  You and your husband give your son an incredible amount of financial assistance, so of course you feel you should be a dominant voice in his life and relationships.  His wife does not bring home a cash income, so of course neither he nor you feel her wishes are relevant.  Your family dynamic is what I call "transactional", with input and control based on who pays for what.  Your "gifts" such as a greenhouse or a sewing machine come with major strings attached, a requirement that the recipient use the item as you wish them too.  That's not actually a gift, that's a bribe.  

When you write about your son and DIL's problems, it's such a sad echo of your and your husband's relationship.  Obviously that relationship impacted your son, and he is repeating his family history.  Perhaps your grandson will be the break-out generation that finds a better path.

This is so sad. I don't read her posts, so I missed all this. I hope DIL finds the strength to either take charge of her life or leave.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 9, 2023 16:03:20 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

I’m struggling with the DS#2 girlfriend situation.
DS texted yesterday asking to golf this morning. The GF wanted to do so. She specifically wanted to go early. We accept the invitation, slightly rearranging our day. This morning, at first DS says they are running late. Then, DS gets to our house and says The GF refused to get out of bed because she stayed up until 1am. Tee time was at 9:50. We had to leave our house by 9:15 to make the tee time. She just needed to get up by 8:15, maybe 8:30. So, she basically stood us up.

I’m trying to decide how to take this.

You said earlier that you aren’t sure if she’s shy, just doesn’t want to talk, or some other thing I don’t remember. I’d ask DS point blank, what’s up with her. 

I can work with being shy, and even just not interested in conversation with me, (I still forget the other possibility you mentioned), but not so much blowing off doing something I had to get up early for when she chose the time. But that’s just me.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Believe me I get Misters position too but after awhile enough is enough. He walks around naked, treats his son horribly, trashes your bathroom and is rude to your guests.

My dad was way up denial too until we confronted him over the couch peeing incident. That DH and I were now being affected by her antics shook him up.

We couldn't forcibly move her but we got him to start calling 911 for wellness checks. She stopped with that crap.

Dad needs to be told he is not allowed over anymore and if he can't behave then it's clearly time for new living arrangements and Mister will start calling elder services on his naked ass.

The stress isn't good for you, mister or your relationship. It's time to draw lines and if you blowing up is what it takes then IMO go for it.

Wanting to help and honor your parents does not entail the emotional and mental abuse dad is heaping on Mister.

I confronted my dad about it. Mister needs someone to show him this is not okay and he has a right to his life and working toilets.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jul 9, 2023 16:08:40 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jul 9, 2023 15:51:42 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

While don’t think this is a long term solution, can you go somewhere this afternoon/evening and get a break?

I guess I could. But I actually enjoy being at home, so that’s where I’d rather be. 

Maybe (probably?) I’m feeling petty, but I’ll make him uncomfortable being here before I let him make me uncomfortable enough to leave my own home. Even if that means me saying something crazy every time I see him. So far he’s stayed in the back bedroom as far as I know, which is best. And I am still sitting in the garage watching the rain.

I do understand not being run out of your own home. I just meant for today for you if you were getting too upset. If telling us is helping you through it, then by all means stay. 

[Opti]

Jul 9, 2023 16:40:22 GMT -5 daisylu said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:03:20 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

I’m struggling with the DS#2 girlfriend situation.
DS texted yesterday asking to golf this morning. The GF wanted to do so. She specifically wanted to go early. We accept the invitation, slightly rearranging our day. This morning, at first DS says they are running late. Then, DS gets to our house and says The GF refused to get out of bed because she stayed up until 1am. Tee time was at 9:50. We had to leave our house by 9:15 to make the tee time. She just needed to get up by 8:15, maybe 8:30. So, she basically stood us up.

I’m trying to decide how to take this.

How old are they? I would be mad that I was stood up, and would not likely make plans in the future - which you should have relayed to DS. IMO, your relationship is with your son. Make plans with him - if she shows she shows, but I would no longer plans around her.

Also, this is not just a possible diss of you but putting your son in an awkward position. Maybe they had a fight, and he did not want to share that?

[MarionTh230]

I've refrained from commenting on CG's DIL.  Mostly because I feel like CG comes here to vent.  And by using this place as a sounding board she is able to shake off all these little things so she can consciously try to have a good relationship with her DIL.  So, I would hate for it to feel like I'm piling on or that this isn't a safe space.  Because that isn't my intent.  I'll say this and then move along.

People are complicated.  Her DIL actually makes a lot of sense to me.  A SAHM with one child - an only child and only grandchild - that is in that 7 - 9 age range.   Life in Korea, then life on the East Coast, and now life on the West Coast.  With a child that is growing older and needs you less as a parent.  They aren't infants anymore.  They do still need you, but, it's not the same.  It seems like this age range is when you start to feel that transition where they are exercising so much independence and responsibility and maturity.  No education or formal job skills.  I can almost feel her looking for purpose in life.  In some ways, all these hobbies and career ideas that don't stick are part of that search.  

Having said that, if she is prone to depression, not being able to stick with anything could be part of it.  That's not to say she should just stay medicated whether she wants to or not.  But, I'm wondering if any kind of therapy in addition to some medical expertise would be helpful here?  Therapy alone could be helpful in trying to sort out what we are doing or why we are doing or give us ways to focus on life even if there is no depression involved.  If there is in depression involved it seems like therapy would only help even more.

Then, finally, she is Russian.  From what I have gathered over the years she grew up in Russia.  In other words, she spent her childhood here.  I don't exactly follow geopolitical news in deep detail, but Russia isn't exactly a beacon of freedom and capitalism.  I'm sure scarcity of essentials (money, food, clothing, shelter) came into play during at least some of her formative years?  That surely imprinted on her in a way that would certainly make life in the US difficult.  It's an extra layer of difficulty on top of the cultural differences.

Anyways, I hope CG's DIL finds her path in life.  We all need to find our path even if our journey to find it doesn't make sense to those around us.  

[Opti]

Ack rain and darkness and no break until too late. Kind of depressing and making me wish I had something better to make for dinner.

[MarionTh230]

Jul 9, 2023 14:59:17 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

Your grandmother expected you to be a decent woman when dealing with normal people.  She did not expect you to stand silent when abused by a crazy person, nor accept the same crazy person being hateful to your daughter and grandkids.  If she reaches down from above, it will be to slap that old fool's head right off his shoulders.  

This is worth repeating.  Because, some of these behaviors either are abusive or borderline abusive.  There is a minimum amount of decorum that is required when minor children are in a house.

I'll stop there.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 9, 2023 16:45:19 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I survived my 27 hours with the kiddos. It was good but I totally get why the grandparents get tired and appreciate a little help. They still have 48+ hours with them. I took them to the pool again today so hopefully the boys are tired, but not too tired to set them up for a good day/night.

Sil's house is perfect. It's not my style, but I love how organized it is and how easy it is to stay on top of even with 2 little whirlwinds running around. It's also empty - except for her closet. Lol. I'll never be able to replicate her results but it did make me come home take a hard look at some spaces.

My Aunt (Mom’s sister), Uncle (Aunt’s husband) and older cousin (Aunt’s oldest daughter) came to my house while Mister and I were at his Mom’s funeral to set everything up, including the food they’d cooked, for Mister’s family to come over after the burial. Everything was perfect, I couldn’t have had anything better done if I’d paid someone to do it.

Anyway, a couple days later, my cousin told me she loved how my kitchen was set up, and how anything she was looking for was easily found in a spot that made sense. She said that later that night, she got out of bed around 2am and rearranged her own kitchen cabinets, because everything was all over the place willy nilly, and she wanted her kitchen to be more organized like mine was. That was a HUGE compliment to me, and it made me happy that she even noticed and said that it inspired her.

I didn’t rearrange anything prior to them coming over, I just posted sticky notes on the knife set saying “Be careful, VERY sharp”, on the the refrigerator door saying the ice dispenser didn’t work, and on the top oven saying it didn’t work unless the lower oven was on. It was a couple hours after we’d got back home that I realized my folks didn’t remove the sticky notes and I was embarrassed that the guests had seen them too lol.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jul 9, 2023 16:35:57 GMT -5 ners said:

Knee Deep in Water Chloe I am not sure how I would feel or react.  It is not like the tee time was at 8:00.  She knew there was golf planned in morning she could have made sure she went to bed a little bit earlier.  

She's the one who asked for that particular tee time. 

Jul 9, 2023 16:38:28 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:03:20 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

I’m struggling with the DS#2 girlfriend situation.
DS texted yesterday asking to golf this morning. The GF wanted to do so. She specifically wanted to go early. We accept the invitation, slightly rearranging our day. This morning, at first DS says they are running late. Then, DS gets to our house and says The GF refused to get out of bed because she stayed up until 1am. Tee time was at 9:50. We had to leave our house by 9:15 to make the tee time. She just needed to get up by 8:15, maybe 8:30. So, she basically stood us up.

I’m trying to decide how to take this.

Is this a pattern?

We've not interacted with her enough to have patterns. She's been to our house for dinner three times. We've gone out to dinner once. 

Jul 9, 2023 16:40:22 GMT -5 daisylu said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:03:20 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

I’m struggling with the DS#2 girlfriend situation.
DS texted yesterday asking to golf this morning. The GF wanted to do so. She specifically wanted to go early. We accept the invitation, slightly rearranging our day. This morning, at first DS says they are running late. Then, DS gets to our house and says The GF refused to get out of bed because she stayed up until 1am. Tee time was at 9:50. We had to leave our house by 9:15 to make the tee time. She just needed to get up by 8:15, maybe 8:30. So, she basically stood us up.

I’m trying to decide how to take this.

How old are they? I would be mad that I was stood up, and would not likely make plans in the future - which you should have relayed to DS. IMO, your relationship is with your son. Make plans with him - if she shows she shows, but I would no longer plans around her.

She's 26. DS still came with us. HIs explanation was that she is just figuring out that having multiple activities in a 24-hour period can be daunting. 

[MarionTh230]

Jul 9, 2023 15:24:00 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jul 9, 2023 14:34:37 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Go for it. Mister is not doing anything about the problem. He's making it awkward for everyone. He's enabling his dad like his mom did.

Maybe seeing you open a can of whoop ass will finally get him to understand this is not a tenable situation and he needs to put on his big boy pants.

His dad should have beentold off a LONG time ago. I don't care that he'san old widower you don't act like he does. You can't behave as a civilized human you go live where there is a staff who will make you. Or Mister goes toblive with his dad because you're not having it in your house anymore.



At the very least you might feel better physically I doubt holding all this in is helping your gut.

I understand Mister’s predicament, it’s like he lost both his parents at the same time….. his Mom died, and while she was dying, he learned that his Dad has never been who Mister always thought he was. As much as he talked to his parents and hung out with them ever since I’ve known him, his Dad is all he has left of that. So I do get it.

And he’s told his Dad off before, many times. His Dad is just so selfish that he doesn’t care how what he does affects Mister. Just like my Mom didn’t care when she knew the toll her actions were taking on me. What finally made my Mom a believer was when I finally started acting a damn fool, yelling and cursing at her like she wasn’t even my Momma. I’m not proud that I got to that point, but she stopped playing with me about my money after that.

Mr. Messy has made the same mistake plenty of people have made, by underestimating me. I’m shy, kind of quiet, respectful and I try to be kind. But that’s not all there is to me, it took a few years of hard work to try to be the kind of person I want to be. What he doesn’t know is that while Mister seems to be known for having a legendary type temper in the past, I don’t love him like Mister does, and I’m a force to be reckoned with myself if I get riled up enough. If I told my own Momma to either do right by me or call a cab to take her to wherever, RIGHT NOW, and meant it, I’m definitely not going to continue to let a grown ass man I’m not even related to by blood, keep playing with me and mine in MY home.

Is Mister still seeking professional help in terms of either therapy or grief counseling?  I know you had said at one time he had something set up but there were some issues/miscommunication/wires crossed about appointment times or payers (something about VA maybe?)?  I don't remember the details, but has he moved forward with getting any outside professional assistance?

Because I'm going to be painfully honest.  I would have already cussed that old man out and told him to GTFO of my house.  So I don't have much advice to help you find your inner peace.

[giramomma]

Jul 9, 2023 15:33:40 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I’m trying to write this shit out to try to calm my nerves some. It’s not working.

I’m sitting in the garage with the door up, because it’s raining. Watching the rain often soothes me. That’s not working either right now. 

I’m just really angry right now and in a horrible mood, so I guess I need to just accept that that’s what it is right now instead of trying to fight it, since nothings’s working anyway.

Pink.

As long as you and Mister have his Dad over, you are going to have these things.

The problem, with our parents, of course, is we can't have the same boundaries as our kids.

Mister's Dad is not going to change. You can tell him off. All he and your mom are going to do is push buttons and get everyone all reacting. It's just going to make things ugly.

Which leaves the onus on you and Mr. to change the dance.

Look. I know I've said this, but I'll say it again. My mom told me having a kid like me was one of the worst things that could have happened to her. This was after dad died, and while I was on chemo.

My mom was also so paranoid about my diagnosis that she insisted that I mail half of her house keys back to her. Because, you know, I was going to die before she did. And apparently my DH has nothing better to do than go to her house unannounced and start rifling through her things after my death. Because of course a new widower with 3 minor children has ALL the free time in the world for such thing.

My mom wants to talk about why I'm currently on very low contact with her.

I just don't engage. There's no point.

And it's not the first time she's done these things.

If you and Mr. don't participate, there's no power struggle. There's no adult parent trying to assert dominance over an adult child.

If you and Mr are serious about setting boundaries about how you'll be treated, Mr. should have escorted his dad out of your house the minute his dad called him a fucking shit.  I'm not saying it's easy. But, it really is the best solution. Instead, Mr's dad got emotionally rewarded by pushing your buttons. And Mr's.

You'll decide when you are ready to prioritize your health.

I am on very low contact with my mom, because I have to prioritize my mental health.

I'm not mean and cruel. I promise. I was willing to spend our own money to help mom get her heat fixed when she wasn't going to do anything other than sit in a 50 degree house for days on end. I helped her when dad died. These are real crises that I will be there for.

Listening to her bitch about me, the neighbors, dad, everyone that has wronged her, or the mail service..not a crisis.

And, turns out, she can figure some things out on her own. Of course, she doesn't want to. But she can.

Why would I enable her?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

And I want to add I come from a place of love and concern. I am living your Christmas Future.

I watched it prematurely age my dad, put massive stress on their marriage and it cost them precious time together.

Not that we could anticipate that part.

My grandma and great uncle were able to wreck so many parts of our lives all because we couldn't and didn't start setting boundaries sooner.

I get the system is broken and we likely could not change the outcome it was inevitable they'd either end up in a home or dead.

But the mental abuse they put my dad through is unforgivable. They laid those paths YEARS before me or my mom came along and they milked it for all it was worth.

I do not regret calling grandma's shit. What I regret is not doing it sooner. J, Bob, DH and I ganged up on him the last time she pulled the couch stunt. I said you don't call 911 one of us will this shit stops NOW.
[

Having 4 people stage an intervention finally got him moving. She stopped the couch peeing crap after tye nice firemen told her ofg.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Jul 9, 2023 16:49:36 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:38:28 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Is this a pattern?

This was my thought. Unless it's a pattern, let it go. Hell, even if it is a pattern let it go except don't change existing plans to meet her schedule.

Wouldn’t you think that you’d not really want to stand up your BF’s parents?  That doesn’t make you look very good in their eyes.

[swamp]

Jul 9, 2023 16:03:20 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

I’m struggling with the DS#2 girlfriend situation.
DS texted yesterday asking to golf this morning. The GF wanted to do so. She specifically wanted to go early. We accept the invitation, slightly rearranging our day. This morning, at first DS says they are running late. Then, DS gets to our house and says The GF refused to get out of bed because she stayed up until 1am. Tee time was at 9:50. We had to leave our house by 9:15 to make the tee time. She just needed to get up by 8:15, maybe 8:30. So, she basically stood us up.

I’m trying to decide how to take this.

I’d consider her a pansy and hope he doesn’t choose her as his life partner.  

I would continue to be kind but not change plans for her again.  

[swamp]

Jul 9, 2023 17:04:55 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:35:57 GMT -5 ners said:

Knee Deep in Water Chloe I am not sure how I would feel or react.  It is not like the tee time was at 8:00.  She knew there was golf planned in morning she could have made sure she went to bed a little bit earlier.  

She's the one who asked for that particular tee time. 

Jul 9, 2023 16:38:28 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Is this a pattern?

We've not interacted with her enough to have patterns. She's been to our house for dinner three times. We've gone out to dinner once. 

Jul 9, 2023 16:40:22 GMT -5 daisylu said:

How old are they? I would be mad that I was stood up, and would not likely make plans in the future - which you should have relayed to DS. IMO, your relationship is with your son. Make plans with him - if she shows she shows, but I would no longer plans around her.

She's 26. DS still came with us. HIs explanation was that she is just figuring out that having multiple activities in a 24-hour period can be daunting. 

She’s 26 and can’t get up at 8 after going to bed at 1? 

huge pansy. 

[raeoflyte]

Jul 9, 2023 17:13:12 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:49:36 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

This was my thought. Unless it's a pattern, let it go. Hell, even if it is a pattern let it go except don't change existing plans to meet her schedule.

Wouldn’t you think that you’d not really want to stand up your BF’s parents?  That doesn’t make you look very good in their eyes.

If I could go back in time I would erase 20 years of people pleasing desperation aimed toward my in-laws. They tolerate me because I didn't go away, but nothing I've ever done has changed how they see me.

Now Chloe and her dh are not my in-laws and yes, I'd likely want them to think we'll of me. But I'd also like to prioritize myself more. Does the gf know that plans were changed to meet her schedule or did she say she'd like an early tee time and then one was scheduled? Either way, there are a lot of times in life I should have chosen myself and didn't. And if it's really going to be held against me that shows me even more that I need to choose myself over everyone else.

[giramomma]

Jul 9, 2023 17:13:12 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:49:36 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

This was my thought. Unless it's a pattern, let it go. Hell, even if it is a pattern let it go except don't change existing plans to meet her schedule.

Wouldn’t you think that you’d not really want to stand up your BF’s parents?  That doesn’t make you look very good in their eyes.

How long have they been dating? How serious is it?

I backed out of plans with DH's parents a few times while we were dating/engaged because of stuff I was going through with my parents.

DH's mom treats me better than DH. Not all the time, but in some small ways.

I dunno. We're all adults and shit happens. Few of us adult 100% perfectly all the time as adults.

Chloe is going through her kid, which adds an element of the telephone game to communications.

She also didn't have to accept the request and reschedule her day, either.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 9, 2023 16:51:14 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Believe me I get Misters position too but after awhile enough is enough. He walks around naked, treats his son horribly, trashes your bathroom and is rude to your guests.

My dad was way up denial too until we confronted him over the couch peeing incident. That DH and I were now being affected by her antics shook him up.

We couldn't forcibly move her but we got him to start calling 911 for wellness checks. She stopped with that crap.

Dad needs to be told he is not allowed over anymore and if he can't behave then it's clearly time for new living arrangements and Mister will start calling elder services on his naked ass.

The stress isn't good for you, mister or your relationship. It's time to draw lines and if you blowing up is what it takes then IMO go for it.

Wanting to help and honor your parents does not entail the emotional and mental abuse dad is heaping on Mister.

I confronted my dad about it. Mister needs someone to show him this is not okay and he has a right to his life and working toilets.

I agree with everything you said. Mister doesn’t even know that I said anything to his Dad. I’m sure it was fodder for his Dad’s gossiping and he is or has told it how he wanted to. I do not give a fuck. He can write a letter about it to the President or the ruler of the universe, and I still wouldn’t give a fuck.

FWIW, the toilet works just fine. His Dad always has diarrhea because he has a sugar addiction even though he takes meds for diabetes. He sneaks sugar behind Mister’s back. The bathroom was a shitty mess. And he had the nerve to be a smart mouth asshole about it when Mister saw it and confronted him. Thank God I don’t even go in that bathroom, because if I’d been the one to see it first, the whole world would’ve known it by the time I lost my whole mind and acted a big fucking fool, because that kind of shit is WAYYYY beyond my pay grade…. as in you can’t even pay me enough to deal with bodily fluids like that. I’ll starve first. I’ll do something strange for some change with some PPE before I do that. I just CAN NOT.

[andi9899]

Jul 9, 2023 17:04:55 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:35:57 GMT -5 ners said:

Knee Deep in Water Chloe I am not sure how I would feel or react.  It is not like the tee time was at 8:00.  She knew there was golf planned in morning she could have made sure she went to bed a little bit earlier.  

She's the one who asked for that particular tee time. 

Jul 9, 2023 16:38:28 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Is this a pattern?

We've not interacted with her enough to have patterns. She's been to our house for dinner three times. We've gone out to dinner once. 

Jul 9, 2023 16:40:22 GMT -5 daisylu said:

How old are they? I would be mad that I was stood up, and would not likely make plans in the future - which you should have relayed to DS. IMO, your relationship is with your son. Make plans with him - if she shows she shows, but I would no longer plans around her.

She's 26. DS still came with us. HIs explanation was that she is just figuring out that having multiple activities in a 24-hour period can be daunting. 

At 26 she can't figure out multiple events in one day?!

[giramomma]

Jul 9, 2023 17:24:44 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:51:14 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Believe me I get Misters position too but after awhile enough is enough. He walks around naked, treats his son horribly, trashes your bathroom and is rude to your guests.

My dad was way up denial too until we confronted him over the couch peeing incident. That DH and I were now being affected by her antics shook him up.

We couldn't forcibly move her but we got him to start calling 911 for wellness checks. She stopped with that crap.

Dad needs to be told he is not allowed over anymore and if he can't behave then it's clearly time for new living arrangements and Mister will start calling elder services on his naked ass.

The stress isn't good for you, mister or your relationship. It's time to draw lines and if you blowing up is what it takes then IMO go for it.

Wanting to help and honor your parents does not entail the emotional and mental abuse dad is heaping on Mister.

I confronted my dad about it. Mister needs someone to show him this is not okay and he has a right to his life and working toilets.

I agree with everything you said. Mister doesn’t even know that I said anything to his Dad. I’m sure it was fodder for his Dad’s gossiping and he is or has told it how he wanted to. I do not give a fuck. He can write a letter about it to the President or the ruler of the universe, and I still wouldn’t give a fuck.

FWIW, the toilet works just fine. His Dad always has diarrhea because he has a sugar addiction even though he takes meds for diabetes. He sneaks sugar behind Mister’s back. The bathroom was a shitty mess. And he had the nerve to be a smart mouth asshole about it when Mister saw it and confronted him. Thank God I don’t even go in that bathroom, because if I’d been the one to see it first, the whole world would’ve known it by the time I lost my whole mind and acted a big fucking fool, because that kind of shit is WAYYYY beyond my pay grade…. as in you can’t even pay me enough to deal with bodily fluids like that. I’ll starve first. I’ll do something strange for some change with some PPE before I do that. I just CAN NOT.

So. Mr's Dad has learned he literally can shit all over and someone else will clean up his mess.

How, exactly, do you think this is a problem for Mr's Dad?

[giramomma]

Jul 9, 2023 17:25:47 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Jul 9, 2023 17:04:55 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

She's the one who asked for that particular tee time. 

We've not interacted with her enough to have patterns. She's been to our house for dinner three times. We've gone out to dinner once. 

She's 26. DS still came with us. HIs explanation was that she is just figuring out that having multiple activities in a 24-hour period can be daunting. 

At 26 she can't figure out multiple events in one day?!

And what if she's neurodivergent and has some issues with executive functioning skills? What if she's depressed and doesn't realize it?

There's just not enough information known about this girl, her motives, etc that we should be hauling out the pitch forks for her?

[andi9899]

Jul 9, 2023 17:24:44 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:51:14 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Believe me I get Misters position too but after awhile enough is enough. He walks around naked, treats his son horribly, trashes your bathroom and is rude to your guests.

My dad was way up denial too until we confronted him over the couch peeing incident. That DH and I were now being affected by her antics shook him up.

We couldn't forcibly move her but we got him to start calling 911 for wellness checks. She stopped with that crap.

Dad needs to be told he is not allowed over anymore and if he can't behave then it's clearly time for new living arrangements and Mister will start calling elder services on his naked ass.

The stress isn't good for you, mister or your relationship. It's time to draw lines and if you blowing up is what it takes then IMO go for it.

Wanting to help and honor your parents does not entail the emotional and mental abuse dad is heaping on Mister.

I confronted my dad about it. Mister needs someone to show him this is not okay and he has a right to his life and working toilets.

I agree with everything you said. Mister doesn’t even know that I said anything to his Dad. I’m sure it was fodder for his Dad’s gossiping and he is or has told it how he wanted to. I do not give a fuck. He can write a letter about it to the President or the ruler of the universe, and I still wouldn’t give a fuck.

FWIW, the toilet works just fine. His Dad always has diarrhea because he has a sugar addiction even though he takes meds for diabetes. He sneaks sugar behind Mister’s back. The bathroom was a shitty mess. And he had the nerve to be a smart mouth asshole about it when Mister saw it and confronted him. Thank God I don’t even go in that bathroom, because if I’d been the one to see it first, the whole world would’ve known it by the time I lost my whole mind and acted a big fucking fool, because that kind of shit is WAYYYY beyond my pay grade…. as in you can’t even pay me enough to deal with bodily fluids like that. I’ll starve first. I’ll do something strange for some change with some PPE before I do that. I just CAN NOT.

Not to belittle your situation at all, but "I'll do something strange for some change" is now a permanent fixture in my vocabulary. Thank you.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 9, 2023 17:05:23 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

Jul 9, 2023 15:24:00 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I understand Mister’s predicament, it’s like he lost both his parents at the same time….. his Mom died, and while she was dying, he learned that his Dad has never been who Mister always thought he was. As much as he talked to his parents and hung out with them ever since I’ve known him, his Dad is all he has left of that. So I do get it.

And he’s told his Dad off before, many times. His Dad is just so selfish that he doesn’t care how what he does affects Mister. Just like my Mom didn’t care when she knew the toll her actions were taking on me. What finally made my Mom a believer was when I finally started acting a damn fool, yelling and cursing at her like she wasn’t even my Momma. I’m not proud that I got to that point, but she stopped playing with me about my money after that.

Mr. Messy has made the same mistake plenty of people have made, by underestimating me. I’m shy, kind of quiet, respectful and I try to be kind. But that’s not all there is to me, it took a few years of hard work to try to be the kind of person I want to be. What he doesn’t know is that while Mister seems to be known for having a legendary type temper in the past, I don’t love him like Mister does, and I’m a force to be reckoned with myself if I get riled up enough. If I told my own Momma to either do right by me or call a cab to take her to wherever, RIGHT NOW, and meant it, I’m definitely not going to continue to let a grown ass man I’m not even related to by blood, keep playing with me and mine in MY home.

Is Mister still seeking professional help in terms of either therapy or grief counseling?  I know you had said at one time he had something set up but there were some issues/miscommunication/wires crossed about appointment times or payers (something about VA maybe?)?  I don't remember the details, but has he moved forward with getting any outside professional assistance?

Because I'm going to be painfully honest.  I would have already cussed that old man out and told him to GTFO of my house.  So I don't have much advice to help you find your inner peace.

I’ve always liked you for your thoughtful responses and your honesty. And this made me smile.

Mister just had his second appointment with a counselor a few days ago. He seems to like her, and she seems to be no nonsense. I might be biased in thinking that, but I liked it when he said that during his first appointment she told him that he was telling his daughters things that wasn’t their business in the first place.
 
She gave him 2 books to read and some homework, at his first appointment. He’s finished one book and is still working on the second. Today wasn’t the first time that he got upset and said “Let me go read my book”. LOL! 

So yes, he did get things straightened out and he is seeing a counselor. I’m glad about it, because I truly do believe he needs it. Thank you for remembering and asking about it.

[NoNamePerson]

Jul 9, 2023 17:20:54 GMT -5 swamp said:

Jul 9, 2023 17:04:55 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

She's the one who asked for that particular tee time. 

We've not interacted with her enough to have patterns. She's been to our house for dinner three times. We've gone out to dinner once. 

She's 26. DS still came with us. HIs explanation was that she is just figuring out that having multiple activities in a 24-hour period can be daunting. 

She’s 26 and can’t get up at 8 after going to bed at 1? 

huge pansy. 

I won't even go into my street running days after my divorce and I was in my 40's. 

[Cookies Galore]

Jul 9, 2023 17:20:54 GMT -5 swamp said:

Jul 9, 2023 17:04:55 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

She's the one who asked for that particular tee time. 

We've not interacted with her enough to have patterns. She's been to our house for dinner three times. We've gone out to dinner once. 

She's 26. DS still came with us. HIs explanation was that she is just figuring out that having multiple activities in a 24-hour period can be daunting. 

She’s 26 and can’t get up at 8 after going to bed at 1? 

huge pansy. 

Lol, I went to bed at 1 and got up at 11 today. I never sleep through the night and need more time in bed than 7 hours. Woke up at 4 to pee and realized husband left the lights on downstairs, then the cats started at 5, got up at 5:30 to feed them, then husband woke me up at 8:30 to see if I was able to sleep through the hammering noise outside. WTF, dude.


I have generalized anxiety disorder and never know when plans I've made will become daunting and impossible the day of. I've bailed on many concerts and parties over the years, sometimes even when I was halfway to my destination.
I'm not saying GF has an anxiety disorder and that it's okay to bail on plans with a partner's parents. For all we know she was really hungover and son is covering for her. I've definitely missed events with my MIL because I was too busy vomiting up the previous night's fun! I'm just glad everyone in my life has given me grace and understands. Just keep her at arms length and don't make plans around her schedule anymore, Chloe.

[andi9899]

Jul 9, 2023 17:28:53 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jul 9, 2023 17:25:47 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

At 26 she can't figure out multiple events in one day?!

And what if she's neurodivergent and has some issues with executive functioning skills? What if she's depressed and doesn't realize it?

There's just not enough information known about this girl, her motives, etc that we should be hauling out the pitch forks for her?

Who's hauling out pitchforks? The GF specifically asked for an early tee time. She deliberately stayed up late and then refused to get up after sleeping for several hours. She is being rude.