what are you doing right now?

[daisylu]

Jul 9, 2023 13:14:56 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

Son has indulged her and bought anything and everything for her crafts and hobbies. She has a bedroom full and now says she is not in the mood to paint or anything. He has encouraged her to do what she does best. He said he would set up websites and market them for her. Like hubs said do it under a different name if she thinks she might fail so she won't feel vulnerable.

He spent $1000 for a green house for her, they got a really nice one on sale, it has windows that open and close on the top automatically, she has 2 now, one we gave her. Last week he put a floor in it for her she wanted. She does like to work in it and he has also bought above ground planters for her too but it never ends. She bought sewing machines she wanted and I don't think she has used them. I bought her one for Christmas one year too. Once she gets the things she wants she is off to something else. I hope she is going to come over and let me help her learn to sew. We ordered a pattern she wanted, its very easy so its a good one to begin with. And she is small so sewing for her is easier, I don't think a lot of fitting and adjustments.

She hated Korea, but once she got here Korea was wonderful. We helped pay for the house in NY, it had been completely redone on an acre, a beautiful, very nice home. She wanted it and then complained it was too big. She wouldn't rest till son moved out here so she could be closer to her sister. Now she is here I hear how the house is a and its to little. I told her organize your things and then it will seem bigger, it was so pretty when they moved in. She didn't like the countertop, it had been refinished and she started scrapping it off instead of waiting to see when they could replace the cabinets, now it looks awful. I offered to help refinish them all until they can do what they want with it.

She had told son she didn't want a big house, its about 1800 sq ft. She has taken english classes when in Indiana, they were not good enough so she quit. Took them in NY, not sure the issue there. Has taken them twice here. She had boob implants in Korea and they caused her all kinds of health issues, she admitted worst mistake she ever made. Son spent $10,000 out of pocket having them removed. I know the 6 months she was here with us while he was getting things moved back, I overheard him on the phone more than once saying Honey, you are spending more than I'm making. I know it sounds like I'm just holding up for him. But he buys himself nothing. I gave him a good price on my truck so he would have a decent vehicle to drive. It was ok with hubs. He knows he will have a decent pension or should, but he is wondering about SS. And he sees what it costs us to have a nice life in retirement, plus he still has grandsons education to pay for. And like he said its just a few years away from needing cars, so he is also forward looking. Believe me he has spent money for anything and everything she wants to do. For awhile she was gunho on getting a dental hygenist certificate. All she saw was dollar signs and we started talking about what she had to deal with doing it and she changed her mind. She wanted to spend $70,000 to get it! She has no idea what she wants to do. Son told her work at McD's for a bit to just get a feel for working, but she doesn't want to do that. She wants to walk into a good office job with no experience, and honestly no idea that every job can be frustrating.

I'm not putting her down, she just has no idea what she wants to do, just isn't happy doing what she is doing, so I don't know.

But I think he is getting tired, he never complains, but her wants are endless. Now she wants to travel because her friends are traveling, of course most of them have no kids or they are grown.

I see both sides, he travels all the time for work and wants to be home, she is home and wants to go. I have been there and done that. Also he is 10 years older than her.

It's still something they have to work out. I just listen 95% of the time, once in awhile I say something and should not. I just hate to see people unhappy. My husband sure never indulged me like that so I do think he is trying, but also think he is tired of seeing his earnings wasted.

I told him sit down with her and explain how much he makes and where its going, she said he has, I thought that would help.

I just don't want to see them divorced and sure hope it won't come to that. Noone is perfect and I know my son isn't nor am I but I sure try.

I'm sorry, but it sounds like everyone is making decisions and plans for her but no one is letting her choose. Your DS in emotional neglective IMO, and suggestions from other people on what she can do is not listening to what she wants. She is trying to fit in, but no one seems to care about her needs. Your son seems to be trying to turn her into you, she tries to cooperate but it is not what she wants. But no one seems to care about that.

You also balked at her wanting to take vacations to far away lands. Why shouldn't she? Just because her husband didn't want to shouldn't mean that she shouldn't, especially considering that (according to you) her husband has taken many trips and long weekends with his buddies. But she is supposed to stay home with her kid forever and not have a life?

IMHO, you and DH and enabled to your son to be the "boss" of the household.

[mollyanna58]

Jul 9, 2023 13:50:31 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

My Grandmomma is just gon have to reach down and slap the shit outta me because I’m bout to cuss this man clean the fuck out. The whole fucking house is in an uproar because of him and he’s still picking at Mister and being a smart ass. I’ve said something once, if I have to say something again, it’s gon be with a bunch of cussing. And I mean that. 

Well, you have tried being kind and understanding and helpful; none of that worked.  You have tried being hands-off and letting Mister handle his dad; that didn’t work.  Telling his father off and putting the fear of Pink in him may be your best option.

[NastyWoman]

Jul 9, 2023 13:50:31 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

My Grandmomma is just gon have to reach down and slap the shit outta me because I’m bout to cuss this man clean the fuck out. The whole fucking house is in an uproar because of him and he’s still picking at Mister and being a smart ass. I’ve said something once, if I have to say something again, it’s gon be with a bunch of cussing. And I mean that. 

Give me a heads up and I am going to send my mom over to your grandmomma. They would get along great and mom would make grandmomma see that their are times when you just have to do what you have to do! That man will take you to an early grave if you let him and we(your e-family) can't have that!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jul 9, 2023 13:50:31 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

My Grandmomma is just gon have to reach down and slap the shit outta me because I’m bout to cuss this man clean the fuck out. The whole fucking house is in an uproar because of him and he’s still picking at Mister and being a smart ass. I’ve said something once, if I have to say something again, it’s gon be with a bunch of cussing. And I mean that. 

Go for it. Mister is not doing anything about the problem. He's making it awkward for everyone. He's enabling his dad like his mom did.

Maybe seeing you open a can of whoop ass will finally get him to understand this is not a tenable situation and he needs to put on his big boy pants.

His dad should have beentold off a LONG time ago. I don't care that he'san old widower you don't act like he does. You can't behave as a civilized human you go live where there is a staff who will make you. Or Mister goes toblive with his dad because you're not having it in your house anymore.



At the very least you might feel better physically I doubt holding all this in is helping your gut.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jesus help me! I don’t want to feel this much animosity toward my SO’s parent. I don’t want to feel like this about anyone in my personal life, but especially not someone I or Mister love.

I woke up in a bad mood today, and I’ve not been able to shake it. Now I’m just really pissed off. He triggered me today in some ways that my Mom has and still does, and I just couldn’t keep my cool. 

He made a mess of the hall bathroom again (remember the overflowing toilet and clogging the sink nasty ordeal?), which upset Mister. I wasn’t too bothered, because Mister already knew HE was gonna have to deal with that and not me. So Mister goes out in the garage because it was raining and the deck was wet, and his Dad goes to the door with a throw wrapped around him because I guess he didn’t have on any pants, and told him he’d cleaned the bathroom as best he could, was there anything else Mister wanted him to do. Mister said no, Dad, I got it. I can hear all this because I’m stuck in my yoga room, because I dared not walk down the hallway past the nasty bathroom, to the back of the house, and I can’t go out on the deck because of the rain. 

So Mr. Messy closes the door to the garage and starts walking away and says “You fucking shit!”. And that pissed me off. I said “Why would you even say that?” He started sputtering and said I’m sorry. I said “no you AREN’T sorry, because you always do and say crazy stuff, apologize, and keep doing the same things”. He said “it’s okay, I don’t hold grudges”. I looked him straight in the eye and said “well I do”. He said “well I CAN”. I said “I.DO.” He said that’s my son, I know him. I was still looking him straight in his eyes when I said “Well I’m not HIM.” And he shuffled his uglass on back to the back of the house.

Please Lord, don’t let this man say anything else to me or say anything crazy in my presence before Mister takes him home. Mister has gloves and bleach right now cleaning the bathroom. 

He triggers me because just like my Mom, he doesn’t know how to be humble when he creates a problem, and has a very smart fucking mouth, when it’s best to just STFU.

[swamp]

Jul 9, 2023 14:40:08 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jesus help me! I don’t want to feel this much animosity toward my SO’s parent. I don’t want to feel like this about anyone in my personal life, but especially not someone I or Mister love.

I woke up in a bad mood today, and I’ve not been able to shake it. Now I’m just really pissed off. He triggered me today in some ways that my Mom has and still does, and I just couldn’t keep my cool. 

He made a mess of the hall bathroom again (remember the overflowing toilet and clogging the sink nasty ordeal?), which upset Mister. I wasn’t too bothered, because Mister already knew HE was gonna have to deal with that and not me. So Mister goes out in the garage because it was raining and the deck was wet, and his Dad goes to the door with a throw wrapped around him because I guess he didn’t have on any pants, and told him he’d cleaned the bathroom as best he could, was there anything else Mister wanted him to do. Mister said no, Dad, I got it. I can hear all this because I’m stuck in my yoga room, because I dared not walk down the hallway past the nasty bathroom, to the back of the house, and I can’t go out on the deck because of the rain. 

So Mr. Messy closes the door to the garage and starts walking away and says “You fucking shit!”. And that pissed me off. I said “Why would you even say that?” He started sputtering and said I’m sorry. I said “no you AREN’T sorry, because you always do and say crazy stuff, apologize, and keep doing the same things”. He said “it’s okay, I don’t hold grudges”. I looked him straight in the eye and said “well I do”. He said “well I CAN”. I said “I.DO.” He said that’s my son, I know him. I was still looking him straight in his eyes when I said “Well I’m not HIM.” And he shuffled his uglass on back to the back of the house.

Please Lord, don’t let this man say anything else to me or say anything crazy in my presence before Mister takes him home. Mister has gloves and bleach right now cleaning the bathroom. 

He triggers me because just like my Mom, he doesn’t know how to be humble when he creates a problem, and has a very smart fucking mouth, when it’s best to just STFU.

Meh. At this point he deserves it. 

at first I thought it was dementia. Now I think he’s just an asshole. 

[empress of self-improvement]

I need less grass. Oh God I need less grass. I need to crack down on burning my crap wood so I can expand the firepit area then do some other hardscaping. I need less grass in my yard. Oh so much less. Maybe I'll even level out an area for the pool next year. This year it's on the second deck. My yard is weird and I am dying. Now off to finish. I hope.

[Deleted]

Your grandmother expected you to be a decent woman when dealing with normal people.  She did not expect you to stand silent when abused by a crazy person, nor accept the same crazy person being hateful to your daughter and grandkids.  If she reaches down from above, it will be to slap that old fool's head right off his shoulders.  

[Artemis Windsong]

((((Pink))))

[Opti]

Jul 9, 2023 14:59:04 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

I need less grass. Oh God I need less grass. I need to crack down on burning my crap wood so I can expand the firepit area then do some other hardscaping. I need less grass in my yard. Oh so much less. Maybe I'll even level out an area for the pool next year. This year it's on the second deck. My yard is weird and I am dying. Now off to finish. I hope.

Sorry you are melting. I got saved from being drenched by being lazy. The skies opened up just before I was going to walk somewhere and it got intense enough it overwhelmed the gutters for awhile. Might be an hour window to try later.

Definitely raining today and I am happy I got my load of laundry done even if the air drying of some of it is going very slowly. 

You could also just throw out some flower seeds and declare parts of it a meadow. 

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 9, 2023 14:34:37 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Jul 9, 2023 13:50:31 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

My Grandmomma is just gon have to reach down and slap the shit outta me because I’m bout to cuss this man clean the fuck out. The whole fucking house is in an uproar because of him and he’s still picking at Mister and being a smart ass. I’ve said something once, if I have to say something again, it’s gon be with a bunch of cussing. And I mean that. 

Go for it. Mister is not doing anything about the problem. He's making it awkward for everyone. He's enabling his dad like his mom did.

Maybe seeing you open a can of whoop ass will finally get him to understand this is not a tenable situation and he needs to put on his big boy pants.

His dad should have beentold off a LONG time ago. I don't care that he'san old widower you don't act like he does. You can't behave as a civilized human you go live where there is a staff who will make you. Or Mister goes toblive with his dad because you're not having it in your house anymore.



At the very least you might feel better physically I doubt holding all this in is helping your gut.

I understand Mister’s predicament, it’s like he lost both his parents at the same time….. his Mom died, and while she was dying, he learned that his Dad has never been who Mister always thought he was. As much as he talked to his parents and hung out with them ever since I’ve known him, his Dad is all he has left of that. So I do get it.

And he’s told his Dad off before, many times. His Dad is just so selfish that he doesn’t care how what he does affects Mister. Just like my Mom didn’t care when she knew the toll her actions were taking on me. What finally made my Mom a believer was when I finally started acting a damn fool, yelling and cursing at her like she wasn’t even my Momma. I’m not proud that I got to that point, but she stopped playing with me about my money after that.

Mr. Messy has made the same mistake plenty of people have made, by underestimating me. I’m shy, kind of quiet, respectful and I try to be kind. But that’s not all there is to me, it took a few years of hard work to try to be the kind of person I want to be. What he doesn’t know is that while Mister seems to be known for having a legendary type temper in the past, I don’t love him like Mister does, and I’m a force to be reckoned with myself if I get riled up enough. If I told my own Momma to either do right by me or call a cab to take her to wherever, RIGHT NOW, and meant it, I’m definitely not going to continue to let a grown ass man I’m not even related to by blood, keep playing with me and mine in MY home.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 9, 2023 14:58:40 GMT -5 swamp said:

Jul 9, 2023 14:40:08 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jesus help me! I don’t want to feel this much animosity toward my SO’s parent. I don’t want to feel like this about anyone in my personal life, but especially not someone I or Mister love.

I woke up in a bad mood today, and I’ve not been able to shake it. Now I’m just really pissed off. He triggered me today in some ways that my Mom has and still does, and I just couldn’t keep my cool. 

He made a mess of the hall bathroom again (remember the overflowing toilet and clogging the sink nasty ordeal?), which upset Mister. I wasn’t too bothered, because Mister already knew HE was gonna have to deal with that and not me. So Mister goes out in the garage because it was raining and the deck was wet, and his Dad goes to the door with a throw wrapped around him because I guess he didn’t have on any pants, and told him he’d cleaned the bathroom as best he could, was there anything else Mister wanted him to do. Mister said no, Dad, I got it. I can hear all this because I’m stuck in my yoga room, because I dared not walk down the hallway past the nasty bathroom, to the back of the house, and I can’t go out on the deck because of the rain. 

So Mr. Messy closes the door to the garage and starts walking away and says “You fucking shit!”. And that pissed me off. I said “Why would you even say that?” He started sputtering and said I’m sorry. I said “no you AREN’T sorry, because you always do and say crazy stuff, apologize, and keep doing the same things”. He said “it’s okay, I don’t hold grudges”. I looked him straight in the eye and said “well I do”. He said “well I CAN”. I said “I.DO.” He said that’s my son, I know him. I was still looking him straight in his eyes when I said “Well I’m not HIM.” And he shuffled his uglass on back to the back of the house.

Please Lord, don’t let this man say anything else to me or say anything crazy in my presence before Mister takes him home. Mister has gloves and bleach right now cleaning the bathroom. 

He triggers me because just like my Mom, he doesn’t know how to be humble when he creates a problem, and has a very smart fucking mouth, when it’s best to just STFU.

Meh. At this point he deserves it. 

at first I thought it was dementia. Now I think he’s just an asshole. 

I do think there is some dementia, ONLY because he started getting lost a few months ago when he was driving. And because the MRI his neurologist ordered showed some whit spots or something on his brain. 

But he was most definitely and asshole before that, and the assholishness is a bigger problem than whatever degree of dementia he has. I have a lot of compassion for people with dementia. I know how horrible it is. I have ZERO compassion for assholes.

[Pink Cashmere]

I’m trying to write this shit out to try to calm my nerves some. It’s not working.

I’m sitting in the garage with the door up, because it’s raining. Watching the rain often soothes me. That’s not working either right now. 

I’m just really angry right now and in a horrible mood, so I guess I need to just accept that that’s what it is right now instead of trying to fight it, since nothings’s working anyway.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 9, 2023 14:59:17 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

Your grandmother expected you to be a decent woman when dealing with normal people.  She did not expect you to stand silent when abused by a crazy person, nor accept the same crazy person being hateful to your daughter and grandkids.  If she reaches down from above, it will be to slap that old fool's head right off his shoulders.  

You’re right. I got in trouble if I started some shit, not if I ended some shit somebody else started with me or mine lol.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jul 9, 2023 15:33:40 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I’m trying to write this shit out to try to calm my nerves some. It’s not working.

I’m sitting in the garage with the door up, because it’s raining. Watching the rain often soothes me. That’s not working either right now. 

I’m just really angry right now and in a horrible mood, so I guess I need to just accept that that’s what it is right now instead of trying to fight it, since nothings’s working anyway.

While don’t think this is a long term solution, can you go somewhere this afternoon/evening and get a break?

[andi9899]

Jul 9, 2023 15:45:45 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jul 9, 2023 14:59:17 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

Your grandmother expected you to be a decent woman when dealing with normal people.  She did not expect you to stand silent when abused by a crazy person, nor accept the same crazy person being hateful to your daughter and grandkids.  If she reaches down from above, it will be to slap that old fool's head right off his shoulders.  

You’re right. I got in trouble if I started some shit, not if I ended some shit somebody else started with me or mine lol.

That makes dad fair game IMO.

[giramomma]

Jul 9, 2023 10:04:37 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Jul 8, 2023 19:45:55 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I finished the kloster blocks on a hardanger doily I am trying to finish.

Everything lines up.

This is like buying a puzzle from a thrift shop, finding all the edge pieces, and getting them together.

Success!

I appreciate the link as that was quite a bit of gibberish to me. 

Honestly, most of what is say is gibberish.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I’m struggling with the DS#2 girlfriend situation.
DS texted yesterday asking to golf this morning. The GF wanted to do so. She specifically wanted to go early. We accept the invitation, slightly rearranging our day. This morning, at first DS says they are running late. Then, DS gets to our house and says The GF refused to get out of bed because she stayed up until 1am. Tee time was at 9:50. We had to leave our house by 9:15 to make the tee time. She just needed to get up by 8:15, maybe 8:30. So, she basically stood us up.

I’m trying to decide how to take this.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 9, 2023 15:51:42 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Jul 9, 2023 15:33:40 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I’m trying to write this shit out to try to calm my nerves some. It’s not working.

I’m sitting in the garage with the door up, because it’s raining. Watching the rain often soothes me. That’s not working either right now. 

I’m just really angry right now and in a horrible mood, so I guess I need to just accept that that’s what it is right now instead of trying to fight it, since nothings’s working anyway.

While don’t think this is a long term solution, can you go somewhere this afternoon/evening and get a break?

I guess I could. But I actually enjoy being at home, so that’s where I’d rather be. 

Maybe (probably?) I’m feeling petty, but I’ll make him uncomfortable being here before I let him make me uncomfortable enough to leave my own home. Even if that means me saying something crazy every time I see him. So far he’s stayed in the back bedroom as far as I know, which is best. And I am still sitting in the garage watching the rain.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 9, 2023 15:55:18 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Jul 9, 2023 15:45:45 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

You’re right. I got in trouble if I started some shit, not if I ended some shit somebody else started with me or mine lol.

That makes dad fair game IMO.

I hope so, because if my Grandmomma reaches down and slaps me, I’m likely to die on the spot from fright. I prefer for her to gently guide me from afar, than scare the shit out of me by making her presence known lol 

[andi9899]

Jul 9, 2023 16:10:30 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jul 9, 2023 15:55:18 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

That makes dad fair game IMO.

I hope so, because if my Grandmomma reaches down and slaps me, I’m likely to die on the spot from fright. I prefer for her to gently guide me from afar, than scare the shit out of me by making her presence known lol 

Want me to send my crazy ass grandma to prevent her from snatching you up? She'd probably keep busy fussing about me and you could make your move and go unnoticed.

[Deleted]

countrygirl2  There's an old, old saying that "he who pays the fiddler, calls the tunes" and your family dynamic is a perfect example of that axiom.  You and your husband give your son an incredible amount of financial assistance, so of course you feel you should be a dominant voice in his life and relationships.  His wife does not bring home a cash income, so of course neither he nor you feel her wishes are relevant.  Your family dynamic is what I call "transactional", with input and control based on who pays for what.  Your "gifts" such as a greenhouse or a sewing machine come with major strings attached, a requirement that the recipient use the item as you wish them too.  That's not actually a gift, that's a bribe.  

When you write about your son and DIL's problems, it's such a sad echo of your and your husband's relationship.  Obviously that relationship impacted your son, and he is repeating his family history.  Perhaps your grandson will be the break-out generation that finds a better path.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 9, 2023 16:17:19 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Jul 9, 2023 16:10:30 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I hope so, because if my Grandmomma reaches down and slaps me, I’m likely to die on the spot from fright. I prefer for her to gently guide me from afar, than scare the shit out of me by making her presence known lol 

Want me to send my crazy ass grandma to prevent her from snatching you up? She'd probably keep busy fussing about me and you could make your move and go unnoticed.

I  you!

[giramomma]

Jul 9, 2023 11:43:09 GMT -5 seriousthistime said:

I see the money issues with countrygirl2 's DIL slightly differently, based on observations from this board, and having lived in a university community with lots of people from other countries and lots of students.  

I think it was cawiau who once mentioned that when people from other countries move to the US, they see a whole array of stuff from nice clothes to fancy houses and cars that they could never get in their native country.  And it's all so shiny and new, and they see people originally from their native country who are buying that shiny new stuff here. So they see it as obtainable, and feel deprived if they don't get it.  Saving money is not on the radar because there was never any money to save back home.  And here it's easy to obtain CCs, car loans, mortgages, etc., so they want it all.  

Same with students.  They come to the big campus, mix in with students whose families are better off than their own families, and no one is telling them they can't do certain things like when they lived with their parents.  And then during orientation they walk by a booth hawking credit cards, they fill out an application and get the free t-shirt or two-liter bottle of Coke, and they've got the means to spend and do things they never did before.  

Credit cards get maxed, so they obtain new cards, and soon it escalates into taking out cash advances on the newest card to make minimum payments on the maxed cards.  Didn't we all know people who thought they could afford something if they could buy it without exceeding the credit limit? 

So with the DIL, she sees all this and doesn't fully understand her DH's desire to pay down the mortgage. 

DIL has some problems interacting with other people she doesn't know, or does not know well  She may think she wants a job, but her DH knows her vulnerabilities and frustrations and can see that working for pay is not a good idea. I see how f'ing rude the public can be to people at pharmacy and food counters,  check-outs, front desks, etc.  Those are not jobs for people like DIL.  If she's good at crafts and enjoys them, maybe she should join a MeetUp group or two that get together and do crafts.  Stitch-and-bitch type MeetUps are good. Get together socially at parks/playgrounds, for picnics, or for coffee with other women who have children the same age as her child.  International women's groups, even informal, would be good. Heck, even bunco is good!

I disagree that her husband is intent on not paying attention to her, keeping her home, or not wanting her to have her own life.  Happy wife, happy life...right?  No one wants to be married to a spouse who is miserable.  The key is to find things to do that make her happy, that don't involve spending a lot of money, and don't get her into a forward-facing work situation she is not hard-wired for.  Even remote work isn't the best for someone like her.  She wants and needs to get out of the house.  

Seriously, check out the MeetUp website (meetup.org), narrow it down to your area, and see what is offered.  When I moved to a town where I knew someone, I joined several of them.  It can be hit or miss, but it is a good way to narrow down the search for people with similar interests.  

I agree, and also think this depends.

Maybe it's because I worked with/for grad students/families, and they were older/more mature.

Folks from the US and territories  were too poor to worry extras. Like, I had to be careful when I cashed their checks otherwise the checks would bounce. Grandparents were subsidizing kids' lessons. I taught folks who used drying racks to dry most of their clothes because that saved a little bit or were at least a month behind on their electricity bill.

I taught mostly asian folks (Koreans and Chinese). These were not folks that were spending. One Korean family I taught, the mom had an oopsie. 5 people (mom, dad, infant, and like a 7 year old girl and 9 year old boy) sharing a two bedroom. The boy and girl slept in one bedroom.

Another family saved so they could afford to have their parents come from china for like 3 months out of the year.

I'm currently teaching a little chinese girl...her mom is getting her PhD, so they live in University student housing. Dad and big Sister are living in a big city 3.5 hours away. The little girl is currently wearing water shoes as her normal shoes. And not keens. We're talking target brand. Clothe are old, whatever other folks hand down to her.

[daisylu]

Jul 9, 2023 9:39:36 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Jul 9, 2023 9:10:43 GMT -5 daisylu said:

Had a nice ride yesterday, followed by a cookout and fireworks. A lot of the folks at the cookout were new to me, but they all raved about my key lime pie and BLT pasta salad.

Had a moment where I had to calm DH. There was a new guy with the group, but the guy who invited him had a family emergency and showed up halfway through the ride so this guy knew none of us. I would pull him into conversations when I noticed him looking left out, just being nice. Well, halfway through the day he had a clear interest in me, which DH noticed. At this point in the day it, any point really, it is very obvious that DH and I are very much in love. And at the very end of the night just before the guy left he said something that was very clearly a comeon, loud enough for everyone in our core circle to hear. DH NEVER notices stuff like that so it had to be very blatant for him to get it, and he was the most PISSED I have ever seen him. DH listened when I told him the guy was drunk, just let it go, because I respect other people's homes.

Worst part is we learned he passes our house everyday on his way to and from work, and mentioned early in the day that he recognized DH from working in our yard.

The guy seems creepy. Please be safe.

I live in a safe area, but yes my doors will be locked this week.

[ners]

Knee Deep in Water Chloe I am not sure how I would feel or react.  It is not like the tee time was at 8:00.  She knew there was golf planned in morning she could have made sure she went to bed a little bit earlier.  

[giramomma]

Jul 9, 2023 16:03:20 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

I’m struggling with the DS#2 girlfriend situation.
DS texted yesterday asking to golf this morning. The GF wanted to do so. She specifically wanted to go early. We accept the invitation, slightly rearranging our day. This morning, at first DS says they are running late. Then, DS gets to our house and says The GF refused to get out of bed because she stayed up until 1am. Tee time was at 9:50. We had to leave our house by 9:15 to make the tee time. She just needed to get up by 8:15, maybe 8:30. So, she basically stood us up.

I’m trying to decide how to take this.

Is this a pattern?

[NoNamePerson]

Jul 9, 2023 16:20:49 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

countrygirl2   There's an old, old saying that "he who pays the fiddler, calls the tunes" and your family dynamic is a perfect example of that axiom.  You and your husband give your son an incredible amount of financial assistance, so of course you feel you should be a dominant voice in his life and relationships.  His wife does not bring home a cash income, so of course neither he nor you feel her wishes are relevant.  Your family dynamic is what I call "transactional", with input and control based on who pays for what.  Your "gifts" such as a greenhouse or a sewing machine come with major strings attached, a requirement that the recipient use the item as you wish them too.  That's not actually a gift, that's a bribe.  

When you write about your son and DIL's problems, it's such a sad echo of your and your husband's relationship.  Obviously that relationship impacted your son, and he is repeating his family history.  Perhaps your grandson will be the break-out generation that finds a better path.

Like the old saying “he who controls the money, CONTROLS. 

[daisylu]

Jul 9, 2023 16:03:20 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

I’m struggling with the DS#2 girlfriend situation.
DS texted yesterday asking to golf this morning. The GF wanted to do so. She specifically wanted to go early. We accept the invitation, slightly rearranging our day. This morning, at first DS says they are running late. Then, DS gets to our house and says The GF refused to get out of bed because she stayed up until 1am. Tee time was at 9:50. We had to leave our house by 9:15 to make the tee time. She just needed to get up by 8:15, maybe 8:30. So, she basically stood us up.

I’m trying to decide how to take this.

How old are they? I would be mad that I was stood up, and would not likely make plans in the future - which you should have relayed to DS. IMO, your relationship is with your son. Make plans with him - if she shows she shows, but I would no longer plans around her.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 9, 2023 16:20:49 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

countrygirl2   There's an old, old saying that "he who pays the fiddler, calls the tunes" and your family dynamic is a perfect example of that axiom.  You and your husband give your son an incredible amount of financial assistance, so of course you feel you should be a dominant voice in his life and relationships.  His wife does not bring home a cash income, so of course neither he nor you feel her wishes are relevant.  Your family dynamic is what I call "transactional", with input and control based on who pays for what.  Your "gifts" such as a greenhouse or a sewing machine come with major strings attached, a requirement that the recipient use the item as you wish them too.  That's not actually a gift, that's a bribe.  

When you write about your son and DIL's problems, it's such a sad echo of your and your husband's relationship.  Obviously that relationship impacted your son, and he is repeating his family history.  Perhaps your grandson will be the break-out generation that finds a better path.

I’ve been caught up in my own bullshit today, even though some posts about this have caught my attention.

It seems like CG’s son and family have been willing to support some of the things she’s expressed an interest in. Sewing…. Buying and gifting her sewing machines, gardening… buying and gifting her greenhouses…. are the 2 things that immediately come to mind. I don’t think those things necessarily had to come with strings attached, but at some point, even I would get tired of trying to help someone have the tools to explore something they say they are interested in, if history shows that the interest wanes soon after they get the tools.

I do feel like DIL is probably struggling with trying to figure out where she fits in, in her new home, for lack of better words. There’s the language barrier, the cultural differences, the history of depression, and just being in a whole new and different world period. 

I agree that if her husband gets to run off with “the boys” to get away, she should be able to get away sometimes too. But there is a difference between a getaway and spending months overseas, especially visiting certain countries, considering her husband’s job.

I feel like she just needs to find her groove in her life. Just because she hasn’t found it yet doesn’t mean she’s a terrible person. She does things that nobody understands but her, like whatever she did to the countertops that ruined them before they are able to replace them, but don’t we all do some things that make no sense to anyone but us? I’m not saying those things she does are right, or even make sense. I’m just saying she could probably benefit from some grace from people on the outside looking in. 

I’ll stop now, because I feel like I’m rambling and probably not making sense myself lol.